I did a terrible thing yesterday and I don’t know how to make it better

[HowDoIMakeThisBetter]

Yesterday, I travelled several hundred miles to my uncles funeral. DH drove me, my mum and my daughter. He didn’t want to go in the first place (he’d only met my uncle once), but he did it for me.

I rarely see this side of my family, and they are all heavy drinkers. I have a tendency to overdo the booze, but successfully keep it in check most of the time.

Late in the evening, after a LOT of booze had been consumed by all, my older, very charming, male cousin, lead me into the hallway and tried to kiss me. I batted him off and went back to the kitchen with the rest of the family. This is where things start to get hazy.

The whiskey was opened, to toast my uncle as it was his favourite drink. I have never got on with whiskey - it makes me feel dreadful, but I stupidly joined in never the less, and after this point, I can’t remember anything at all.

Apparently, my cousin lead me out of the room again, and I ended up submitting and kissing him. I don’t know how many people witnessed this, but DH was one of them.

I’m told that I then fell over and passed out in the kitchen, and was carried into the living room and put in the recovery position. Once it was established that I was still breathing etc, they then put me in the car and we drove home.

I woke up at some point and spent a couple of hours chatting to my mum in the back of the car about various things, but the earlier incidents weren’t mentioned.

I didn’t know what had happened until DH and DD (15) told me this morning.

DH is rightly upset, furious and humiliated.

I feel full of drinkers remorse - for allowing myself to get so drunk and disgrace myself, for setting such an appalling example to my daughter, for upsetting and worrying my family (particularly my mum and aunt), but most of all for hurting DH, who I love dearly and have never even thought about being unfaithful to.

Right now, I’m too ashamed to call my mum or aunt to apologise, but that will come.

Right now, I just want to curl up and die. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, but have never acted upon them. I’m having these thoughts again now. I don’t know what to do, or how to make this better.

I don’t know what I want from this thread, I guess I just wanted to write it down.

Not trying to make excuses for myself, but on the subject of my cousin, he’s a renowned womaniser and is on wife number four. It’s a bit of an in joke within the family.

Not so funny now.

And no way was he as drunk as me. He’s a 6’4” ex naval officer with a huge capacity for alcohol.

The whole thing is totally fucked up.

Having a blackout from drinking is a bad sign. Coming from a background of problem drinkers predisposes you to have drink problems yourself. You already know you have to keep yourself in check with alcohol. It all adds up to needing to stop drinking, OP.

Sod everyone trying to reassure you that you did nothing wrong...

WAKE UP! You are a shite drunk... the words you wrote make you sound like an ill functioning alcoholic! You said you know you don't drink well and that your family drink a lot and "Oops! I accidentally drank too much to maintain an iota of common sense"

Yes, your cousin was in the wrong but bloody hell OP... wake up! There are so very many posts around here where a poster (male or female) is told to LTB for witnessing just such actions. Make a better choice before your DH decides not to put up with such behaviour!

So. How DO you make this better? You sit with your daughter and your husband- together or apart. And you ask them what you can do. You let them speak about how it affected them and you let it be about them. You hear it and you own up to your part and you do NOT excuse yourself at all.
Are you prepared to never drink again? Can you manage that?

I also don't have an off switch when I drink. On NYE I made a pact to do dry January and when I go out I am going to alternate between one alcoholic and one none alcoholic drink as there were a couple of nights over Christmas that I got so drunk I couldn't remember conversations.

I think you need to address the fact you don't have an off switch. I do believe your cousin was in the wrong but your DD was with you and is probably feeling very confused and upset. Tackle her feelings tomorrow when you're feeling less rough and then your DH.

The truth of it is that there is always going to be some friend or acquaintance ready to take advantage of a situation and you need to learn to handle your drink so it doesn't happen again.

“Womaniser” is a euphemism for a man who takes advantage of women and has no respect for them. He kissed you without your consent. I imagine he has done worse to others. The fact that it’s an “in joke” is indeed fucked up.

“Right now, I just want to curl up and die. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, but have never acted upon them. I’m having these thoughts again now. I don’t know what to do, or how to make this better.”

Have you ever spoken to a GP or other professional about your suicidal thoughts?

So glad this is helping and sure everyone on here is 'here' for you but I can't be struck by your comments re suicide thoughts. If writing it down is helping then you might want to think about something like mailto:[email protected]. They are trained to help and it certainly would be unlikely to do any harm. You did something you obviously bitterly regret. You were in a very stressful situation though and handled it badly. You are clearly sorry. You know you need to talk to people close to you. Try and forgive yourself a little....we all make mistakes but we all also deserve help in 'putting them right'. By the mistake I mean the drinking to such excess which you clearly regret. You need to think and perhaps hear from others what happened with your cousin to get a perspective on what happened there. Sending a virtual hug.

I'm not sure here. You're very keen to blame your cousin. Yet you call him "very charming"you tell us how cousins have married in your family. Do you find him attractive? You tell us how big drinkers your family are, like it wasn't your fault either.

Understanding why we behave as we do is part of owning it and moving on. Blaming others is not. It's a way of absolving ourselves of responsibility.

Why did you feel the need to tell us he was very charming?

The fact the someone tried it on is irrelevant. You went with it. You were drunk enough to make that choice. You need to change your behaviour.

Treat this as your wake up call. It doesn't matter how much your relatives drink. This is about you not being able to control your alcohol consumption. Talk it through with your DH when he is ready because if I was him, I would be getting a suitcase down from loft. Not for me but for DH to leave, for a few days at least. H

I don't drink any more because I once 'accidentally' shagged a bloke I knew my dearest friend fancied when we were both sleeping on her living room floor as we were too pissed to make it home.

I'm telling you this because yes many of us have been there but this is a sign you need to STOP DRINKING. And make amends to your H and DD by showing them you respect them enough to stop drinking.

Your cousin is a total fucking arse. How DARE he do that to you, not once but twice, especially after being batted away the first time?!

While you do have to take some responsibility for getting that drunk, you do NOT have to take responsibility for someone effectively assaulting you, and at a funeral ffs! your cousin has zero respect and I'm surprised your DH didn't say anything to HIM rather than taking it out on you (actually less surprised given the description you've given of your cousin but still).

I'm outraged for you that your cousin took advantage of you in this way, and in reality that's where your DH should be laying the blame for this, not on you.

Ignore the righteous people OP.

Alcohol is a drug, plain and simple. It is addictive. If it had been discovered (in the western world) in the last 400 years it would have been banned. Like heroin or cocaine. But it has been here a long, long time and you don't need to do much research to know it has been here long enough to change the genes of humans. There is strong evidence that alcoholism is hereditary (amongst other causes).

This means a disposition towards it. Yet you seem to fight it. Good on you, if so. If your family do not, then shame on them. We all get information and messages to act on.

You DH should work with you on this. He should not judge you on it. If you love each other, this will be something to forgive and forget quickly.

You should also forget your "older, charming cousin". He is no Richard Gere, despite what you may think.

greekyoghurt
Nasty post. Talk about kicking somebody when they’re down.

OP, please ignore that post. It’s a small and nasty minority.

If a man was horrifically drunk at a funeral and his female cousin kept pulling him outside for a kiss I'm not entirely sure people would be as sympathetic. Your cousin is a dick, for sure, but this is on you unfortunately.

I agree with pp that a big thing you seem to be missing is that your dd saw you get this drunk. That's just not ok. She would have been worried and mortified.

I feel very, very sorry for your dh. It must have been extremely hurtful not to mention embarrassing that you cheated on him in front of everyone.

Practically, I would be telling your dh you were enrolling in a programme for alcoholics. You can't handle drink (nor can I) therefore you must stop completely. Your behaviour won't change ultimately without this.

Cut your cousin out of your life completely.

Phone your mum and aunt and apologise. Just get it over with.

For what it's worth, I really feel for you. We all make mistakes and whereas to be fair this is a real humdinger of one, no one is perfect. If you're truly as sorry as you sound, then hopefully your dh (and dd) will see that.

Out of all the posts on this thread OP, I hope you take the most notice of the ones by Curious, Isadora & Bluntness.

You have a drink problem, you can't be trusted to drink responsibly, you can't be trusted when rolling drunk, own up to your problem and get help if you no longer want to have a problem.

greekyoghurt please get some counselling.

I am sure you are a good person underneath.

Bodear
“You were drunk enough to make that choice.”
Nope. She was too drunk to consent.

I agree with Thumb:
“While you do have to take some responsibility for getting that drunk, you do NOT have to take responsibility for someone effectively assaulting you”

you do NOT have to take responsibility for someone effectively assaulting you

Oh calm down ffs. He kissed her. Second time she reciprocated. It's hardly fucking assault. Bloke tries it on. That's it, you do a huge disservice to actual assault victims by classifying someone trying to kiss you as assault. At no stage she said he tried to force himself on her. I'm fairly sure if she was being assaulted someone would have stepped in.

And yes she does have to take responsibility. It's the mature and only thing to do. Pretending she was asssaulted and a hapless victim is nuts.

She even says he wasn't as drunk as she was, yet she won't have a fucking clue because she does not remember, she is simply going on his size.

What did your dh do when he saw you and your cousin kissing?

Yes, you’re all right. Clearly I need to stop.

I don’t blame him, I blame myself. GreekYoghurt is correct.

Honestly you sound like my Mum. She has been an alcoholic for about 25 years. This is the way she behaves. She gets blind drunk and then the next day has every excuse under the sun, and she's all remorseful and promises it won't happen again and it doesn't for a few weeks. Please think of your daughter and stop drinking for good today. Please

Apologise, apologise and apologise some more - to anyone who was upset.
Then follow through and get help with your drinking.

20 people in a room watch a man pull a drunk woman around to kiss her, twice, and do nothing. He's charming so he gets away with it.

OP, you need to stop drinking and limit contact with your family, because you don't have anyone around who will watch your back.

Apologise to your husband and daughter, and make an appointment to see your GP. Find someone you can talk to about all of this. There's a lot going on for you to deal with, and you need to work out how to move on.