I did a terrible thing yesterday and I don’t know how to make it better

[HowDoIMakeThisBetter]

Yesterday, I travelled several hundred miles to my uncles funeral. DH drove me, my mum and my daughter. He didn’t want to go in the first place (he’d only met my uncle once), but he did it for me.

I rarely see this side of my family, and they are all heavy drinkers. I have a tendency to overdo the booze, but successfully keep it in check most of the time.

Late in the evening, after a LOT of booze had been consumed by all, my older, very charming, male cousin, lead me into the hallway and tried to kiss me. I batted him off and went back to the kitchen with the rest of the family. This is where things start to get hazy.

The whiskey was opened, to toast my uncle as it was his favourite drink. I have never got on with whiskey - it makes me feel dreadful, but I stupidly joined in never the less, and after this point, I can’t remember anything at all.

Apparently, my cousin lead me out of the room again, and I ended up submitting and kissing him. I don’t know how many people witnessed this, but DH was one of them.

I’m told that I then fell over and passed out in the kitchen, and was carried into the living room and put in the recovery position. Once it was established that I was still breathing etc, they then put me in the car and we drove home.

I woke up at some point and spent a couple of hours chatting to my mum in the back of the car about various things, but the earlier incidents weren’t mentioned.

I didn’t know what had happened until DH and DD (15) told me this morning.

DH is rightly upset, furious and humiliated.

I feel full of drinkers remorse - for allowing myself to get so drunk and disgrace myself, for setting such an appalling example to my daughter, for upsetting and worrying my family (particularly my mum and aunt), but most of all for hurting DH, who I love dearly and have never even thought about being unfaithful to.

Right now, I’m too ashamed to call my mum or aunt to apologise, but that will come.

Right now, I just want to curl up and die. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, but have never acted upon them. I’m having these thoughts again now. I don’t know what to do, or how to make this better.

I don’t know what I want from this thread, I guess I just wanted to write it down.

I can get absolutely pissed too but only when I'm in a safe environment as you supposedly were.

So it's ok to get so blindly drunk at someone's funeral that you pass out, have to be put in the recovery position on the floor and then carried home because you are in a 'safe environment'

Her DD and DD have every reason to not be ok with OPs behaviour, let alone the rest of the family.

Written communication is so bad for conveying meaning curious!

I have a tendency to overdo the drink when I’m in that kind of company. I tend to keep up with whoever I’m drinking with. It’s not good. I need to set some boundaries of my own.

I do have one boundary though, and that is that I don’t get pissed around my kids. DS is the age of your DD and I have a younger one.

I think you need to show DH and DD that you are sorry for your drunkenness (I’m not talking about the cousin thing; that’s separate) by setting some clear boundaries. I don’t think we on MN can judge what they need to be from this one incident but you, DH and DD can discuss and decide.

Thank you everyone, for taking the time to advise me. I am listening, and even the harsher remarks are truly helpful.

I would just like to reiterate though, that I take full responsibility for my behaviour. It was atrocious. Someone said I’m “minimising and deflecting”, but I think if you read back my posts you can see that I feel true remorse and want to make sure I NEVER get into this situation again, and never put my family through such upset and embarrassment.

I’ve spoken to my daughter at length. She was keen to know that I’m ok. She had her own drunken experience at a NYE party this year, so we’ve had a long talk about the risks and dangers of drinking, and the associated poor decision making.

I’ve spoken to my mum. Apologised profusely. She wasn’t aware of the cousin incident, but wasn’t surprised by him as she’s witnessed similar before. Again, she just wanted to know that I’m ok. She is lovely.

As for DH, I’ve showed him this thread, and told him I’m giving up alcohol and will never ever put him in this humiliating position again. He’s angry, but he loves me. I’m a very lucky woman.

random point.

A friend of mine drinks to excess, so much so that she blacks out, the problem is that she -to everyone else- is still functioning normally.

It is only when the stories flow "do you remember when X did such and such" that it becomes apparent that she doesn't know what she has done.

And before anyone jumps in, Drunk or sober he sounds like a dick.

A friend of mine drinks to excess, so much so that she blacks out, the problem is that she -to everyone else- is still functioning normally

I have this, I understand it's about brain chemistry. A black out is you have stopped making memories and unless the person is also acting drunk or excessively so there is no way for others to tell.

I act quite normally by all accounts. I can cook, clean, tidy up, make full conversation take my make up off, put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth, go to bed and have no recollection the next day. Everyone is always totally confused by it and can't understand how i simply can't recall. Some people are very prone to it, others simply don't suffer from it. Something to do with connectors in the brain being sensitive to alcohol,

Have you done this sort of thing before OP? To what extent was this a once off?

I know people who regularly do this kind of thing (drink problem) and people who just once in their life got dreadfully drunk and made an idiot of themselves. Honestly, if this is a once off, apologise, learn your lesson and don’t overthink it.

I think you have a drink problem. To need to be put in the recovery position due to alcohol at a family event is not normal. Focus on a solution to your reliance on alcohol. I'm no saint and not judging. You deserve more stability and sanity than you get from booze.

Your cousin was at fault but so were you.You can't take drink so don't .If you drink like that again you will be telling your husband that you don't respect him

Reading your latest updates, you spoken to everyone and sound very remorseful. However, I got the distinct impression that this probably was most certainly not the first time, you got so blind drunk and had a blackout. The kissing cousin is a side show and actually irrelevant in the bigger picture here. The fact that you got that drunk in front of your partner, daughter, mother and other close family members is the real issue. Your crocodile tears mean little unless you take solid steps to actually address your alcoholism. I feel incredibly sorry for anyone living with an alcoholic. Especially, kids. But from own experience, what really boils my blood is the contrite water works the day after and the pity party without any real consequences taken. I have zero tolerance for this kind of conduct and would consider this to be the end of a relationship, nout to do with a kiss but the fact you have done nothing to address your issues and allowed yourself to drink to that level of being paralytic! You’re lucky that you have been given another chance. Don’t waste it! I would not have given it to you. I feel so sorry for your DH and daughter!

Oh you are being hard on yourself - I know it might not help today but you'll feel better about it all soon once the horrible next day regret / fear dies down.

@Temptress, isn't OP saying she will give up alcohol? That's a big step of she follows through.

PrincessoftheSea Talk means little if there is no long term action. I wonder how many times, OP has had the morning after remorse...?

Alcoholics Anonymous is a good place, OP.
There's no harm in going along a few times. You'll know if it isn't right for you. They can provide a lot of support for anyone that has had alcohol mess up some part of their lives.

What i dont understand is how your cousin walked alway with it.

Many years ago i witnessed similar from a known jack the lad. It didnt end well for him.

Did your husband know you rejected the first advances? Maybe he only saw the 2nd kissing.

Anyway good luck and its high time someone sorted out our cousin

Write your dh a letter telling him how much you love him and how remorseful you are. Tell him just how bad you feel. Ring and apologise to your Mum and Aunt for drinking too much and try to take control by not drinking too much in future. You were taken advantage of but you were surrounded by your family who must know you have a drink problem and so they should have been looking out for you. Your cousin is a scum bag avoid him in future. Try not to punish yourself. It won't help. Be very loving to your dh and dd.

Glad you've made peace with everyone OP.

I actually wasn't ready to hang you for your behaviour. Tbh the whole scenario sounded like you were massively taken advantage of. I don't care what state your cousin was in but he took advantage of you being paralytic so much so you were put in the recovery position!

Regarding your drinking. I go out occasionally and get on it. Tbh I do it/did it because I don't want to be in control all the time? I'm always in bloody control! Sometimes I want to forget? Tbf though I don't get as wasted as you did, but then I suspect you didn't think you'd get like this either!

All I'd suggest is that you have a think at why you want to get on it? Are you unhappy in some way or do you feel uncomfortable being a bit merry that in some way your DP won't like or recognise you?

If a woman had posted here that she attended the funeral of a member of her DH’s family at which DH got extremely pissed and kissed his female cousin in front of his daughter, the response would be sympathetic toward the wronged, humiliated woman. The husband’s behaviour would be unanimously condemned.

The blatant double standards on MN no longer shocks me, but it still baffles me.

@HowDoIMakeThisBetter

If your DP witnessed the kiss, what did he say to the cousin? Surely he'd have had words with him?

Bonnie, thats MN for you.

Personally curious why said cousin wasnt sporting 2 black eyes they following morning.

My thinking is that if her DP didn't say anything to the cousin at the time, he might take his misplaced anger out on OP?

His anger isn't misplaced. As mn says all the time, blame the one who made vows to you.

If it appeared to the observer as a consensual kiss, I imagine his first reaction was humiliation closely followed by wanting to get out of there without causing any more drama, given that it was a funeral.

First up, if you were so drunk you don’t remember it happening, it’s not your fault so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve already apologised to your husband and I’d leave it there.

The important point is that you clearly have a drinking problem that needs treatment. I’ve only read the first page so don’t know if you’ve tried these but you should speak to your dr and register with AA. Getting passing out drunk when you’re not an experimenting teenager is indicative of a problem.

OP I'll add my voice to others saying that AA could be a great option for you to try. You will find it supportive and non judgemental. You will be amongst people who've been where you are now and understand.

You could be one of those people who can't have the first drink because after that there is no control. There's no shame in that fact.

I wish all the best with your recovery.