I did a terrible thing yesterday and I don’t know how to make it better

[HowDoIMakeThisBetter]

Yesterday, I travelled several hundred miles to my uncles funeral. DH drove me, my mum and my daughter. He didn’t want to go in the first place (he’d only met my uncle once), but he did it for me.

I rarely see this side of my family, and they are all heavy drinkers. I have a tendency to overdo the booze, but successfully keep it in check most of the time.

Late in the evening, after a LOT of booze had been consumed by all, my older, very charming, male cousin, lead me into the hallway and tried to kiss me. I batted him off and went back to the kitchen with the rest of the family. This is where things start to get hazy.

The whiskey was opened, to toast my uncle as it was his favourite drink. I have never got on with whiskey - it makes me feel dreadful, but I stupidly joined in never the less, and after this point, I can’t remember anything at all.

Apparently, my cousin lead me out of the room again, and I ended up submitting and kissing him. I don’t know how many people witnessed this, but DH was one of them.

I’m told that I then fell over and passed out in the kitchen, and was carried into the living room and put in the recovery position. Once it was established that I was still breathing etc, they then put me in the car and we drove home.

I woke up at some point and spent a couple of hours chatting to my mum in the back of the car about various things, but the earlier incidents weren’t mentioned.

I didn’t know what had happened until DH and DD (15) told me this morning.

DH is rightly upset, furious and humiliated.

I feel full of drinkers remorse - for allowing myself to get so drunk and disgrace myself, for setting such an appalling example to my daughter, for upsetting and worrying my family (particularly my mum and aunt), but most of all for hurting DH, who I love dearly and have never even thought about being unfaithful to.

Right now, I’m too ashamed to call my mum or aunt to apologise, but that will come.

Right now, I just want to curl up and die. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, but have never acted upon them. I’m having these thoughts again now. I don’t know what to do, or how to make this better.

I don’t know what I want from this thread, I guess I just wanted to write it down.

Oh and saying he wasn't as drunk as her means nothing,, he could still have been totally wankered and still not as drunk as her. The main fact though is she doesn't even know how drunk he was.

Your cousin took advantage of you
You need to learn to control your drinking or stop altogether
But I don't understand your DH not stepping in to stop someone taking advantage of you and allowing your DD to witness this?

OP, you need to stop drinking and limit contact with your family, because you don't have anyone around who will watch your back

So I'm assuming that includes her husband and daughter, who were watching her? What part of that fact tells us she was a willing participant and not some feeble drunk woman being assaulted. Unless the thought process is the husband and daughter sat watching their drunk mother being assaulted and she should leave them?.

It is not necessarily something her dh needs to work on with her, or that he must forgive and forget because alcohol is a drug or she is going through a bad time.

He could absolutely decide that this is behaviour he can't accept and call it a day.

I've seen women post about similar behaviour in partners and they're told to ltb.

Op, you do sound like you're making excuses. You tend to drink too much. You come from a family of drinkers. It was his favourite whisky so you had to have some.

To me even your reference to suicidal thoughts sounds self-serving.

Maybe living with a drinker has made me less tolerant, but I really think that the only way you can make this up to your dh and dd is through your actions, through taking the necessary steps to ensure it can't happen again. And then apologise to your mum, aunt and anyone else who deserves it.

IMO the best thing you can do is own it OP. Own it, apologise, and get some help.

I too don’t understand why your H or another relative didn’t do anything.

All those people just stood and watched?

Op all you can do is take responsibility for yourself.

The cousin stuff is a red herring for now. Was he in the wrong, sounds it. Is he a shit, most likely. But you can't control him and blaming him won't make this situation go away.

You've got to clear your own doorstep first and that means you probably need to stop drinking. There are times that I balk at diagnosing someone as "having a drink problem" but this situation is pretty cut and dry. Getting blackout drunk, regardless of what you do while blackout drunk, is massively dangerous, so bad for your health/safety, and something you should NEVER allow to happen.

I urge you to put your big girl pants on, ditch the self pity*, and start writing up a plan to gather support and STOP drinking. You need a very long break from alcohol in order to learn better coping habits and rebuild your families trust in you.

*Self pity is really manipulative op. When you lie around the house moping and crying about how awful you are, it's a way for you to convince others to take care of you and effectively absolve you of the responsibility to make changes and be accountable for your actions. So get it together, if you can't then get support from professionals to do so, don't put this on your family. I mean that kindly.

So your cousin tried it on and was rejected and waited until you were more drunk and then tried again. He wants his balls roasting!

Tell your DH you are sorry, that you will never drink again at a social function and mean it and then forgive yourself. Don't forgive your cousin though!

Your cousin took advantage of your state, but it was you who let yourself get so drunk. I understand there is peer pressure to drink but you need to grow up and let it go over your head.

You owe your husband a huge apology and he needs time to decide how he feels.

Pretty obvious but I think just not drinking at all would be best in your position. I struggle with limiting my drink too and have learnt I can have one wine spritzer to ease my nerves and then I’m strictly on the lemonade. No excuses.

Your cousin took advantage of your state

Then this begs the question of why her husband, who was sober, who witnessed it is angry and humiliated by HER behaviour. It would indicate no advantage was taken and she was a willing participant and equally culpable.

You acknowledge you have a drink problem - are you ready to stop drinking? If so, enlist the help of your immediate family. Ask them help you as you begin to recover from this. Phone AA and speak to someone about your drinking.

This is your wake-up call to stop alcohol taking control of the rest of your life.

Forget your sleazy cousin.

Apologise to your mum, your DH and DC. Make amends by telling them this will NEVER happen again.

If you're feeling suicidal talk to the Samaritans.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

AnotherEmma how do you know she was too drunk to consent? It will make the op feel better to say that, sure, but it sounds to me more like she was too drunk to make good decisions which is an entirely different thing.

I wonder if the cousin would say that OP was flirting with him & led HIM out of the room demanding a snog.

It sounds to me as though one thing that will help with how you are feeling is to take stock of your relationship with alcohol. Saying "I have a tendency to overdo the booze" is exactly the kind of vague euphemism I used to come up with about my drinking.

As it turned out, stopping drinking was precisely the thing I needed to do to mend my self-esteem. My problem was not daily drinking, nor conspicuously being that different to other people (to the extent that noone thought I should stop), but a gradual erosion of self-esteem that comes from years of just being a bit shit, a bit unreliable, a bit "I have a tendency to overdo the booze".

The start for me was to start reading blogs online of other people who had successfully given up the booze, and realising that far from feeling as though they were 'other' and different to me, that I actually identified with them.

That was 4 years ago. Perhaps you need to do the same. (Or perhaps you don't... only you will know.)

PS there is a Dry thread here on MN, I posted on there a LOT in the early weeks/months.

Then this begs the question of why her husband, who was sober, who witnessed it is angry and humiliated by HER behaviour. It would indicate no advantage was taken and she was a willing participant and equally culpable.

Bluntness, women typically get blamed/stigmatised more for sexual behaviours more than men - the old double standard of women are sluts. men are studs etc. The prevalence of victim blaming about second-guessing what she's wearing etc etc. So the DH being angrier at her means nothing of the kind, it could just mean good old fashioned sexism where women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are expected to push boundaries.

Bodear
Because she doesn’t remember it and because she passed out shortly afterwards.
I believe that is way past the line of being able to make a decision, good or bad.
The OP was wrong to get so drunk. Of course she was. But I don’t believe she was capable of consent. Of course I’m only going on what the OP has told us. But OP if you truly can’t remember and you did pass out, I don’t think you were capable of consenting.

If a woman was so drunk that she couldn’t remember being raped, no one would (or should) be telling her that she “cheated” on her husband

Obviously a kiss is not the same as rape but based on many of these replies I’m not surprised that some people minimise rape and blame the victims.

An alcoholic is wrong to get so drunk that they make themselves vulnerable. But they are not responsible for crimes committed against them.

The other people present might not have realised quite how drunk she was. They might have believed she was willingly consenting, which could explain why they didn’t intervene. But there are many reasons that could explain why they didn’t. Not realising it was happening or about to happen, not wanting to cause a scene, feeling intimidated by the 6’4 cousin, etc.

Sorry but I agree with bluntness. If ops cousin was taking advantage of her I highly doubt her dh would sit there and watch.

Op, I'm very similar when I'm drunk which is why I make sure I limit what I drink. Is your dd ok after seeing all this? Please get help for your drinking.

Agree with PP's. The question has to be asked as to how come DH had a pop at his wife when it's the cousin that should be held to account at least 50% and way more in my opinion. He is recognised as a womaniser and a sleaze so this is normal behaviour for him. This fact should feature in DH's appraisal of what has gone on surely. Some funerals I've been to, the cousin lucky he hasn't had his teeth broken but I have friends in low places

Cousin WOULD be lucky.....

To be absolutely honest, what the cousin did or did not do is irrelevant, at the moment.

It has bugger all to do with the actions OP should be taking, immediately.

OP has no memory of what happened, she says.

Her DH is angry and humiliated, she says.

Her DD saw all of this, she says.

What she needs to say now is that she will stop drinking and seek out and utilise ALL AVAILABLE SUPPORT. And then go out and actually DO IT!

What her DH does next is up to him. We have no idea what else he has seen and put up with... OPs own description of herself in drink is pretty damning.

OP I am married to a drunk. Lovely bloke, just no off switch. It's fucking awful. I'm not saying you are one, but, take everything else out of the equation, and this is no way to be. Nobody is shaming or blaming. Just don't put your family and friends through this again. Honestly, emotive occasions are the very worst time to drink. It's for you, stop.

Well no, I have never got so drunk at a funeral I snogged my cousin in front of my husband and daughter and passed out and had to be put in the recovery position. I do not think minimising it is right. She needs to move on, she needs to accept personal responsibility, which she is doing, but pretending to her we all do this, isn't really helpful imo.

Completely agree.

I hate when people 'blame the drink'.
Both of you were at fault.
In front of your probably horrified and embarrassed daughter.
As another poster asked, why didn't your dh go after you when he saw you drunkenly go off with your cousin ? Rather odd.
Get help for your drinking.