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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being touched intimately without expecting it

138 replies

Wtfdoicare · 26/01/2018 18:16

Does anyone else hate it? DH grabbed my boob in bed last night as I was trying to get to sleep and I reacted crossly. He was joking about after watching something about it on TV (he doesn't have form for this, honestly). He didn't understand why I didn't like it.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/01/2018 16:43

Taking steps to ensure consent is a thing (like stroking, kissing, nuzzling, watching reactions etc), reasonable belief of consent is a defence, there isn’t any such thing as ‘implied consent’.

Again, you like and consent to whatever you want...

Has no bearing on the fact that the OP didn’t like or consent to what her husband did...

Partyfops · 27/01/2018 17:00

The human race is going to wipe itself out if this is how we behave.

Sleep in single beds.

If there is more to this and generally doesn't treat you well then that's a little different.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 17:05

Oh don’t be ridiculous.

The human race will be just fine. We don’t need to be animals in order to procreate quite effectively.

And OP did not say he touched her breast, she said he grabbed it. Quite different, IMO.

The telling thing in all this is that he did not understand why she didn’t like it. If I said even once to my fiancé that something he did was not appreciated by me, there would be absolutely no argument from him, no suggestion that he could not understand my position or that I am odd to feel that way or react in whatever way I might. But then he’s not an entitled ass who thinks he has a right to my body whenever he likes.

Offred · 27/01/2018 17:19

And now if men have to bother with the terribly onerous burden of taking steps to make sure their female partners are ok with things they are doing to their bodies the human race will die out... 🙄

Added to men grope because they are overcome with desire, women are responsible for stopping men from hurting them and this is the only way to be a grown up, I like it so you have no right to not like it, marriage confers implies consent for whatever a man may want to do to a woman’s body...

Have we been transported into the past?

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/01/2018 17:27

*Offred
*
No stroking, no cuddling, no build up, just grabbing a breast....

It’s not OP who isn’t behaving like an adult BTW.....

This is beyond bonkers. By your beliefs as explained in pp's I am at a complete loss as to understand how on earth 'stroking' would happen , let alone any other 'build up' to get as far any other intimacy with your significant other ?
What do you or your partner do in bed Offred. ? Lie there like two slabs of stone until you have received some telepathic communication that it's 'ok' and your aren't about to accuse each other of 'groping' or sexual assault ? Or perhaps you've set up some kind of elaborate traffic light app - with green for 'I'm receptive for stroking right now' . ?
Fucking helll life is complicated when you're ultra PC. Personally I just like to know that my DH and I can grope each other whenever we fancy it and equally have the ability to tell the other to bugger off if we're not in the mood. But then again we're simple , old country folk....

Offred · 27/01/2018 17:34

Again, what you are struggling with is understanding consent and how to take steps to make sure your partner is comfortable with what you are doing. It’s not about being PC, it’s about being a good partner and not wanting to hurt your partner by sexually touching them when they don’t like it and don’t consent.

If you are one of those people who thinks ‘NMP if you didn’t like it, you should have told me beforehand’ you are not a good partner.

I haven’t said anything at all about whether I would be cross or upset by this, it’s irrelevant how I would feel.

whippetwoman · 27/01/2018 17:42

I’m very much with Offred and the OP here. I DO NOT like this sort of grabbing either and feel the same as the OP. My partner is not entitled to grab me whenever he likes, nor would I do the same to him. I don’t have to explain to him that I don’t like it because I wouldn’t expect him to do it. He’s a grown adult ffs.

whippetwoman · 27/01/2018 17:43

Sorry Ofred, I mean I am in agreement with your sentiments but feel as the OP does - don’t mean to sound like I assume what your views are, just agree with your explanation!

Original poster
Wtfdoicare · 27/01/2018 19:22

OP back, thank you for all your replies which are interesting, as there is obviously a dissenting opinion on this. I don't like being grabbed as I wouldn't do it to him and it was a completely unexpected boob grab (not a touch) as I was trying to doze off rather than a gentle move towards a touch involving kissing, cuddling etc, which might indicate foreplay or whatever. As a PP rightly said No stroking, no cuddling, no build up, just grabbing a breast....

He really didn't understand why I didn't like it and still doesn't. Apart from the entitlement, my boobs are sensitive! I'll read the rest of the replies and will add some more in a bit.

OP posts:
WellDoneTiger · 27/01/2018 19:34

That doesn't sound very nice OP. My husband has never done foreplay. Ever. Penetration is it. I hestitate to say he has raped me. No words, no communication whatsoever. Just a prod with his effing penis. What a turn on.

Please be kind to Offred. She? has been incredibly kind and supportive towards those of us who have endured domestic abuse.

myrootsareshowing · 27/01/2018 19:34

It depends on my mood to whether I like it or find it annoying. As a general rule for me I don't mind it though, it's playful and harmless.

tillytown · 27/01/2018 19:40

OP, no one has the right to touch you when you don't want to be touched, even little kids can understand that, its blowing my mind that your husband, and some posters, can't comprehend this.

tillytown · 27/01/2018 19:42

WellDoneTiger, do you want to have sex with him? If not, its rape. Please contact women's aid, you don't have to live like this.

Lizzie48 · 27/01/2018 19:47

I agree, I wouldn't find that pleasant either, @Wtfdoicare it would just feel invasive if I was wanting to doze off and not feeling amorous. My boobs are sensitive as well, it would hurt!

cherryontopp · 27/01/2018 20:26

Or perhaps you've set up some kind of elaborate traffic light app - with green for 'I'm receptive for stroking right now' . ?
Fucking helll life is complicated when you're ultra PC

This made me chuckle. My thoughts exactly.
A husband now in bed with his wife must now ask if he can kiss, cuddle, grope, touch her. If he doesnt, then its demeaning to his wife and women.
This is what the worlds coming to now.
Its an insult to women who are actually abused

Cambionome · 27/01/2018 20:27

Good posts, Offred.

Cambionome · 27/01/2018 20:31

It's not an insult to women who are actually abused, cherry.

The op has said that her dh completely unexpectedly grabbed her boobs as she was about to doze off, and that she has sensitive breasts. I have the same issue, and I would be fucking furious.

Offred · 27/01/2018 20:45

Again, not understanding consent etc...

Heaven forbid we expect men to be respectful, loving adults with control over themselves and concern for their partner’s feelings and women to be able to live free of the fear of being sexually assaulted by their husbands...

Is there a need to be so nasty and demeaning about women having bodily autonomy?

Is it getting you so wound up because actually you don’t like it but you’ve been told this is how husbands/marriages are?

Offred · 27/01/2018 20:48

I think the only crap we are missing is someone saying ‘if you don’t let him do what he wants to you he’ll cheat’...

Tryingtodoitall · 27/01/2018 20:50

My OH does this all the time. Always has and always will I'd imagine - in fact I'm quite sure the more he knows he's pissing me off the more he does it Grin. I think a lot of men are grabbers - as long as it's your husband and not a stranger in the street doing it then I think you just need to laugh it off and find ways to irritate him back Wink

WinchestersInATardis · 27/01/2018 21:29

This thread is awful. I can't believe how many posters don't understand basic consent.

Is it really that hard to understand that a lot of women, myself included, don't want the more sensitive bits of our bodies squeezed without any warning?

And yes, I do like kisses and cuddles and touches and sex, and am more than happy for a partner to initiate. But these things have physical and emotional cues: leaning in for a kiss, a smile, a wink, approaching for a hug etc.

They're not the same as suddenly grabbing a sensitive part while you're sleeping.

Also, everything Offred has said.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 21:32

WTF, really??

Sorry but that’s so stupid I can’t help but think you really can’t mean it the way it sounds.

What a horrendous view; I pity anyone who just resigns themselves to being pawed at like a piece of meat. What a disgusting way to be treated.

Thank fuck I ended up with a man who actually respects me.

I’m done with this discussion. Some of you, if you’re not engaging in goady feel fuckery, ought to expect a hell of a lot more from the men you choose to spend your lives with. What. The. Fuck.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 21:35

Ugh autocorrect added a random ‘feel’ into that. I’m sure my meaning is still perfectly clear.

bluesky9 · 27/01/2018 21:58

I'm with offred. Can not believe what I've just read overall

cherryontopp · 27/01/2018 22:11

After this PC thread, I will solemnly swear I will never grab my partners arse or nob again unless he directly asks me to.
I wouldnt want him to feel like a piece of meat.

Christ on a bike

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