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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being touched intimately without expecting it

138 replies

Wtfdoicare · 26/01/2018 18:16

Does anyone else hate it? DH grabbed my boob in bed last night as I was trying to get to sleep and I reacted crossly. He was joking about after watching something about it on TV (he doesn't have form for this, honestly). He didn't understand why I didn't like it.

OP posts:
Imagine123 · 26/01/2018 23:43

ChangChang sums it perfectly. In a loving relationship, spontaneous touching is welcomed. Where there is little affection otherwise, it just doesn't feel right😔

differentnameforthis · 27/01/2018 00:10

Eh? Why do people have to warn their partners they don’t like being groped unexpectedly?!?! I know, right? And why does it seem like it is always women who need to tell husbands/partners and not the other way around.

The posts suggesting consent isn't needed because this is a man touching his wife are not sensible. A man stopped being able to do what he liked with his wives body in 1992.

Wow my partner must be an absolute sex pest because he does it all the time and I actually find it funny Good for you. This isn't about you though, it is?

In a loving relationship, spontaneous touching is welcomed. Where there is little affection otherwise, it just doesn't feel right Erm no, op has said she didn't like it, so it is not welcomed in this case.

Why is it that just because others "like it/think it's funny/enjoy it" then they expect that everyone should too? My dh doesn't initiate sex by grabbing at my breasts, it is far more subtle than that, once he knows he has my consent/attention he will get more intimate.

This isn't about me, or anyone else on here, it's about what the op likes. People will do well to take that into account before they comment.

Littlechocola · 27/01/2018 00:13

Not his boobs to grab.

coffeeforone · 27/01/2018 00:21

My DH does this. Sometimes I’m happy with it, sometimes I’m not, depends on my mood and what I’m doing. he’s not a mind reader so I wouldn’t react too ‘crossly’, even if it was an unwelcome moment, I’d just shrug it off/lightly ignore it.

windchimesabotage · 27/01/2018 00:29

Sometimes i like it and sometimes I dont. It depends how 'unexpected' it is i suppose. If we were in bed then I dont think it would be that unexpected really. If I were minding my own business trying to do something important or if i were in the midst of trying to have a serious convo with him, then yes id react badly. Id also react badly if he just came and grabbed me in the shower (without asking, might be okay if there were some preamble to it)
Sounds more like you were annoyed he woke you up. Which I can understand I also hate being woken up as i find it hard to get to sleep.

I think you just need to sit down and actually talk to him about what you like and dont like. If you dont ever want to be woken up then just say that.

If he carries on doing it and completely ignores your wishes then I would get very angry.

He doesnt need to understand why you dont like it he just needs to understand that you dont want him to do it.

Wherearemymarbles · 27/01/2018 00:39

Op if you dont like it tell him. You are married to him after all.
If he doesn’t listen then winge on an internet forum.

ferando81 · 27/01/2018 00:58

Call the police and get him arrested

ferando81 · 27/01/2018 01:03

I'm only joking

hiphopchick · 27/01/2018 01:15

I fucking hate having my tits grabbed/groped/fondled/kneaded!

I am not a goddamn piece of meat.

Nothing to do with there 'being no affection.' A husband who has respect for his wife won't grope her like lump of meat, like he has an entitlement to fuck her senseless whether she is up for it or not.

differentnameforthis · 27/01/2018 05:49

If we were in bed then I dont think it would be that unexpected really. So it's OK to grab someone in bed, because what? Bed = sex? Doesn't matter where you are, if it's unwanted, it's unwanted.

I'm only joking because joking about unwanted touching are fucking hilarious...right? Wrong.

Scribblegirl · 27/01/2018 06:06

Exactly marbles. What happened to actually communicating?

DP used to have a habit of jokingly sticking his finger between my bum cheeks if I bent over in trousers. I hated it, it made me feel all weird and grossed out. Told him, he stopped doing it. Nae drama.

Offred · 27/01/2018 07:54

2018 and still women are expected to go around explaining to their partner’s/husbands when/where/how they do/don’t want to be touched or ‘how can he be expected to know?’

All you people making sarcastic comments re the ‘ridiculousness’ of expecting OP’s partner to think about/check whether the touching is going to be well received do realise that all the ‘tell him you don’t like it FFS!’ stuff is still about consent you are just switching the burden from the person doing the unwanted touching onto the person who may be touched at any random time to ensure they have told their partner not to do it?!

This is part of the problem with sexual assaults of all kinds against women.

Yes, this is a pretty minor one. Same rules still apply.

Women shouldn’t need to sit down with their partners and go through every scenario of possible touching/groping/sex act and tell men precisely what they do and don’t like or they can expect to be groped/assaulted/etc. It doesn’t make a difference that it is a partner.

I find it hard to understand why it is ridiculous to check someone is comfortable/not use groping as a ‘joke’ but not ridiculous to expect people to put up with groping/unwanted touching because ‘you haven’t told him you don’t like it’.

WinchestersInATardis · 27/01/2018 09:45

Xh used to do this. I hated it. And no, someone grabbing your boobs unexpectedly isn't the same as leaning in for a kiss.
And like another poster said, it was often unexpected- while I was falling asleep or going the dishes (not at the same time!). My breasts are sensitive and having a physical and very intimate grope happen without warning always startled me and felt awful.
He also used to get all hurt when j asked him not to because apparently partners are supposed to be intimate like other posters imply. It always left me feeling guilty and awful, even though he didn't stop doing it after I asked.
He's an xh now, thank god.

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 27/01/2018 11:38

Agree that the police should be called. Make sure they go for capital punishment though.

AtomHeart · 27/01/2018 11:42

I hated that kind of behaviour when I was in relationships. To be honest, it is one of the things that makes me happy to be single.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 11:49

@Imagine123 I hope you’re not still with him! You deserve much better.

As for the rest of you who are excusing this behaviour or going on about how much you like it, I’m 100% with Offred on this.

‘Only joking’ and similar comments., ODFOD. You either agree with the principle of consent, or you don’t.

cherryontopp · 27/01/2018 12:21

YES some people like this behaviour, YES some people don't like it.

The OP is one of the people who don't like it. So guess what? She should use the power of SPEECH to tell her husband she doesnt like it,then if he continues this behaviour, then she can come on an internet forum and raise issue.

Having not even told her husband (whom i presume isn't a mind reader) she doesnt like it, she puts a thread on here 'being touched intimately without asking', being totally dramatic and making an issue over nothing.

yetmorecrap · 27/01/2018 12:23

To be honest there can often be a difference how you react to things like this in your head as to where you are in your relationship. I have to admit for first few years I met DH this wouldn’t have bothered me, as we have just had a fractious 18 months and are 22 years down the line it would bother me.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 12:29

But it is being touched intimately.

That is not a dramatic statement; it is entirely factual.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 12:29

On telling him that she doesn’t like it, I’m obviously not going to disagree with you on that!

Offred · 27/01/2018 12:32

Cherry - nope, no mindreading required, just common sense and an understanding of consent.

Men are capable of higher thought you know, they aren’t toddlers running around compulsively grabbing women’s bits and needing to be told in words that they shouldn’t do stupid things.

The way to avoid women being groped against their wishes is for men to stop groping women for ‘jokes’ and when they don’t know that the woman wants to be groped.

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 12:32

But really, she is perfectly entitled to come and discuss it here. Who made you the arbiter of whether or not questions can be discussed?

She said in the OP that he didn’t understand why she didn’t like it, so I imagine she wanted to see what others would think about it.

Offred · 27/01/2018 12:34

It must be really crap to have such a low opinion of men that you genuinely believe that women have to fend off sexual assaults by telling every man ever that they don’t want to be groped...

HolgerDanske · 27/01/2018 12:35

Quite.

And yet...

cherryontopp · 27/01/2018 12:40

*Men are capable of higher thought you know, they aren’t toddlers running around compulsively grabbing women’s bits and needing to be told in words that they shouldn’t do stupid things.

The way to avoid women being groped against their wishes is for men to stop groping women for ‘jokes’ and when they don’t know that the woman wants to be groped.*

It must be really crap to have such a low opinion of men that you genuinely believe that women have to fend off sexual assaults by telling every man ever that they don’t want to be groped

Strangers, friends, totally agree with this. They shouldn't be going around grabbing women.

But in this case we are talking about a husband in bed with his wife, grabbing her boob! He shouldnt need verbal or written consent!
The OP has not communicated with her husband she doesnt like this!
If he does this again after she tells him, then its an issue, until then its total uncessary drama.

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