Family rift - how to heal?

[Swiftswallows]

NC'd for this.

I am recently retired, happily married for many years and 3 adult DC, the youngest are still at uni and the eldest, DD1, graduated a few years ago. DD1 fell in love with one of her housemates in her 2nd year and he came to stay several times and they seemed happy.

DD1 said that she and BF wanted to buy a house together and would I give her some money. He had money from grandparents (about £35k) and she wanted me to give her a similar sum so that they could buy a house mortgage free in a part of the country where it is possible. Otherwise, BF had been thinking of buying jointly with his DP.

I wanted to help if I could so said I would let her have the money but it had to be expressed to be a loan as, if they split up or anything happened to her, then I would want the money to come back to the family and, if anything happened to me the money would have to come back into the estate, so that it could be taken account of and it would be fair to her siblings on distribution. She was happy with that and they found a house, a fixer upper, at a good price. I didn't see it, but saw the particulars. The offer was accepted and I withdrew money from my pension to help fund the purchase.

I then began to see a different side to BF. He wasn't keen on a Deed of Trust, was reluctant to have a structural survey (even though the agent had said there was a problem with the roof), and flatly refused to have any searches done. This and other incidents caused me to have concerns that DD1 might become trapped in a controlling relationship (I did have a thread on MN at the time and most posters thought there were a lot of 'red flags'). He and DD1 were also quarrelling a lot, the house purchase was causing a lot of tension, at a time when DD1 was about to take her Finals,, and things came to a head when she had been sobbing in her room for a long time and I effectively threw him out. First I asked nicely and then I said I would call the police if he did not leave, that I didn't like him, thought that he was controlling and not good enough for my daughter. So he left, giving me a horrible glare on the way out.

I was shaking, DD1 came out of the bathroom, where she had been sobbing for about half an hour and, after receiving a few texts from him, she went after him. They went to his DP who agreed to lend them the half of the purchase price that I was going to lend, the purchase completed and that was that.

I felt wretched afterwards, that I had let DD down by insulting the one she loved. I tried to ring him and sent various emails saying I was sorry, but he said he was too busy to reply. DD1 wanted us to make up and I thought we had, as best we could. I met him for a drink and said sorry and gave him a hug, this was just before DD1's graduation, and we attended the graduation together and a celebratory meal. I also offered DD1 the money to buy BF's DPs' share of the house and she asked BF but he said no.

They then came to stay with us a few times and I said to BF a few times I was very sorry again about asking him to leave, that I had just been overprotective, but I hoped we were ok and he said that we were. During one of these visits he looked at me and said his DPs wanted their money out of the house. DD1 also mentioned to me about buying the DPs out. However, I didn't have the money at that stage as I had put it towards our retirement home. I said to DD1 that I was worried about getting involved in another transaction because of the trouble it caused but, if I ever did, it would have to be on the same basis, but she shook her head. At that stage we still had, I thought, a close relationship, she said I was her 'best friend and role model', and she took me on a European city break for a couple of days for a Mother's Day' gift.

It was then DD2's graduation a year after DD1's (she is now a postgraduate). I had booked a hotel and a celebratory meal, all agreed with DD1, all everyone had to do was turn up and enjoy the occasion. But tensions began to arise. DD2 could only obtain 2 tickets for the graduation which she wanted me and DH to have so her BF and sister watched on the big screen in the bar. DD1 had acquired 2 dogs and had previously said they could no longer stay over but would come for the ceremony and the meal. They arrived just after the ceremony (DD1 said she was watching it on her mobile phone) and left half way through the meal. There was a bit of an atmosphere although DD1 had posed for photos happily. DD2 had asked DD1 to be there for her before the ceremony for moral support, she was very anxious, and felt a bit let down. DD1 said she and BF only wanted to come together and had rejected DH's suggestion that BF maybe catch a later train so the dogs would not be left alone too long. A few days later DH and I received emails from DD1 saying we didn't make BF welcome and also one from him saying how he would never forget being made to leave my house and my insults, and criticising DD2. DD2 has not spoken to DD1 since, she was so hurt that DD1 wouldn't be there for her, but said that would have probably blown over, but couldn't understand how DD1 would let BF send the email.

DD1 visited alone fleetingly after Christmas 2016. She had called me after I sent Advent gifts to say what should she do with BF's as he didn't want anymore to do with us. When DD1 visited, she didn't seem to want to discuss anything, but when I opened the conversation she said I had let her down over the house and nobody welcomed her life partner. She said 'you are rich, why don't you just give me the money?' Also that BF didn't want to have any contact with any family members at all. I said how does that work, what if you get married, won't we be invited, she was upset, said 'I don't know, mum'. We hugged, she said she loved me, but she also said that BF talked a lot of sense and she saw us all differently now. We had a nice family day, I thought, the next day, I saw her off at the station and again we hugged, said we loved each other etc. We were still texting daily.

I saw her with DD3 for a meal in February last year and DH and I went up to visit her for 2 days last April (we stayed in a hotel nearby), and all seemed fine. We invited BF to join us for dinner etc but he declined, but DD1 seemed fine and happy. She had drawn a lovely picture for me as a birthday present, which must have taken her hours, drove us to the station, hugged us and told us how much she loved us etc. She texted Happy Birthday a few days later, and then silence, for 6 whole months, did not reply to texts, phone calls, emails from anyone in the family. I had to ring the mobile 'phone company (I still have the contract) to see if she was ok. I was frantic, I went through a whole bereavement scenario, but also hated seeing other family members such as DH so hurt and bewildered.

Since she got back in touch, there have been a number of very long calls with everyone except DD2. BF and DP sold house which made a good profit and DD1 and BF have bought a house. DD1 did a lot of the work doing up the house and driving BF to DIY shops, as well as all cooking, cleaning etc. DD1 has a tiny share of the house to reflect small inheritance she put towards it, but the rest is owned by BF.

I have said to her in the conversations we want to try to get to know BF and suggested family counselling, said what can we do. Suggested we all went away somewhere and talk things through. She said BF might see us if we treat her right and she has also said to DH and me that she effectively wants money, that we let her down over the house etc. We have said that we don't have it at the moment (we have moved into the retirement home, but not sold house yet, that we want to help all of the DC when we can.

DD1 have not had jobs since leaving uni as they don't want to be 'wage slaves' or 'mortgage monkeys'. They live simply and are planning to grow their own produce, but they still struggle to get by on JSA. I feel disappointed that they won't get jobs and are living off the taxes paid by nurses and teachers, and they know that we don't approve , but we have never rowed about this as such. DH and I are not interfering parents, we want DCs to be happy and fulfilled.

DD1 has not told us of her new address although she has said that she and BF are happy to update each other on our lives by email, as that is the level of contact they feel comfortable with. He doesn't want to see us and she doesn't see anyone without him as they 'come as a package'.

I don't know where we go from here. I suppose emails are better than the silence, and hopefully things will improve, but I struggle with it all. There have been several significant family occasions which DD1 has not attended. The family is incomplete but it has become the new normal. And I worry so much about DD1. She has no friends in the area they have moved to, no job, no security. On the other hand, she has somewhere to live and does seem happy.

So sorry this is so long. I know that in many ways there is nothing I can do, she must lead her own life, but I would be grateful for any words of wisdom, especially from anyone who has been in a similar position.

Hi Op, I remember your previous threads. Didn't he have wealthy parents, who were funding him? Sounds like they have grown tired of that role. And, he needs you to replace them. He is using your love of your daughter and your decency to control you. Your daughter has forgotten her boundaries and I think you need to model good boundaries to her. Keep communications open but tell her no more money, be absolutely firm about that. He will rage, but, this might help her to see the light. It also serves another purpose of making her a less attractive proposition in his eyes. The more nonviable you can make her, the better - (this is a horrible thought but), it may encourage him to find another victim. I think as parents our job is not to say "lovely,dear" but have the courage to say "the king has no clothes" because in all the confusion he has created, she needs you to remind her of the basics. I see her love for you in her reluctance to chase your money (not caring when you withdrew from the house purchase). It is he who is communicating the greed and begging, during these times you are speaking solely to him. Maybe she has a loyalty to you that he hasn't wholly overcome and you are stronger than you think. Do change your will, safeguard her share somehow, protect it from him. You don't need to tell her, but, try to protect her inheritance so that it is there when she comes to her senses and he hasn't blown it. Write a letter to her and leave it with the solicitor, here you can be totally honest and tell her about your love for her, your fears, your hopes and point out how he has controlled her.
Educate yourself - you don't have flying monkeys as you are not a narcissist. Sometimes tough love is the best love, it isn't too late to use it now. He will break off contact again whatever you do - but if you don't play ball with money, it is a reminder to her of boundaries. His big thing is control, he controls her and he believes that he controls you too, through her. He has hopes of future financial reward through this control. Make this hope tumble down, it will shorten the relationship, if he gets that you will never give him anything.
In the early days of this, she showed that she knew you love her, she still does, there is a small, quiet voice in her that tells her this, it may be enough to rescue her, if you don't confuse her more by seeming to go along with him. Apologising was a mistake, it added to her confusion and validated his brain washing.

It may be that he is mirroring at her to gain her sympathy, he probably doesn't have aspergers but may suspect that she does because of her poor social skills, he might be using this to create an us against the world bubble. If she is on the spectrum, it would explain her poor judgment and increase the odds of her being in an abusive relationship. Good luck, your goodness and your love for your daughter are evident.

Oh, and he targets you for particular contempt because you are his fiercest adversary - noone loves her more than you. Take courage in this - he is acknowledging your power.

Hope your well op and that the counselling helps.
I remember your old thread and it’s heartbreaking how things have escalated.

I am sorry that I have not responded to the most recent posts, particularly the wise and extremely helpful advice from Jane. I was just too upset to go back to the thread for a while, and have only just now returned to it.

I have started counselling and feeling a bit better and more able to cope, although the sadness and despair still washes over me, often during the night (as you can see!). The counselling is helping me to try to let go of the guilt, which I do still feel, that if I had acted differently, just gone ahead with the house purchase, it would've been better. But the counsellor has helped me see that it was not wrong to act on my gut feelings and need to protect my DD. I don't think that I was wrong about the BF, but I am still kicking myself for not handling things better. What is the phrase, from 'The Godfather' I think, about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer (apologies if I have said this already).

The consistent advice which I have received on here is to keep channels of communication open, but not to give any money, or at least only modest sums which I would have given her anyway. I am sure that is right, although I hate to think of her resentment of me growing, fuelled by BF, if they are struggling to pay for basics. They never go anywhere or see anyone, so far as I can tell, not to the cinema or even out for a meal or a drink or coffee. They do walk the dog, although not every day, and I am so pleased that she has a dog, as dogs can be a great comfort. Apparently they had a conversation when my DD got the dog, that she would be allowed to keep the dog if DD and BF split up.

We have had a few telephone conversations over the 4-6 weeks, once when she rang DH after I told her that a close relation of his had died, which is some progress following the awful months of silence. I can tell from her voice that she loves me. She didn't acknowledge her sister's birthday, which upset her sister a lot, although she did send me a brief but loving text on Mother's Day. Sometimes she seems so near and yet so far, that she is part of me and I know that we are thinking of each other. But she still will not give us her address, which upsets my DH a lot.

I asked her about her friends, just in a chatty manner, and she said that she hasn't been in touch with them for a while, but that she intends to Skype sometime. She hasn't met any new friends, neither she nor BF have jobs and seem to spend their time planting up the garden with fruit and veg so that they can be self sufficient. She said that they are going to look for work, but was a bit vague about it. I feel that if they did, then she would at least come into contact with other people, and that she would have more opportunity to speak to us. One time she rang and said she was running a bath, and my take on it was that she was calling us secretly from the bathroom.

I have spoken to very few people in RL about the situation, as it is too painful and to be honest, there is a part of me which feels ashamed. But we were on holiday with a family friend a few weeks ago, and one evening he revealed that he is in exactly the same position with his DD, although she is married. It was almost a mirror image of my situation, even the talk of DGC, which he also interpreted as a threat that he would not see them. But perhaps I should not be too surprised, as I suppose that there is a 'script'. At least I was able to show him some compassion; in his situation it is his only DC, and despite his jovial holiday persona, it is clear that he is being eaten up by it all, and does not have the wonderful support which I have had from MN.

It sounds like you are doing the right things, OP, just keeping the lines of communication open and letting your dd know that she has the unconditional love of her family.

Thanks Coy!

Could you offer some inexpensive gifts like a voucher from a seed catalogue company, or some gardening supplies? That might be a way of showing that you're willing to listen to her about the lifestyle she has chosen.

Well done Swiftswallows for getting support for yourself.
You are doing all you kind, and the circumstances are mostly beyond your control. You keep reminding your daughter that you love her and can sense that she does to.
It's great to hear that you are also connecting with people with similar experiences to yours. Good luck and sending love

Talkin, that's good idea, which I will certainly think about.Thank you for your supportive comments, user.

There is to be a family funeral in a couple of weeks which I have told DD about, but I am not really expecting her to be there sadly, although it would be wonderful if she were. It is sad that she does not see us and her sisters, but also very sad to think that she may never see her grandmother again, who is elderly and in poor health, if she does not see her soon. I suppose when you are in your 20s you think everything goes on forever.

Hope you're doing ok Swift, I often think of this thread and hope your daughter is ok also

Greystar, thank you so much for thinking of me.

I am ok, good days and bad days. I am just trying to get on as best I can. What else can you do? I have found the counselling helpful to an extent but nothing takes away the raw pain I feel, especially sometimes (often) when I wake up in the middle of the night. I just try not to let it weigh me down to the extent that it affects my relationships with other family members and am thankful that my relationships with my other DDs are close and loving.

I still struggle to understand. When I made him leave my house, it was impulsive, gut feeling, wanting to protect my DD, whereas it seems this conduct in ghosting me for many months, then saying I may only email them, is cold and calculating and actually very cruel.

On the positive side, she did send me a nice birthday card, signed by both of them, whereas she doesn't normally bother to send cards to anyone. She also sent me a text to say happy birthday and that the card might be a day late, so it was as though she didn't want me to be fretting on my birthday.

I keep playing scenes in my head of when we were close and how she loved me, and wonder if she still does. I suppose at some level she must do, but it's very hard to cope with sometimes.

It has affected my confidence a lot, as I think it is at least partly my fault, that I could have avoided the situation, and that I can't be much of a person if my own child doesn't want to see me (or the rest of the family). But wallowing in self pity achieves nothing. I have a nice day planned with DD2 today, so I will try to focus on that.

It is the helplessness which I find so difficult to deal with.

@Swiftswallows You sound like such a lovely mum , it shows in your posts what a heartbreak this is for you and I'm sure you daughter loves you and knows how much she is loved.
I'm glad she sent you a birthday card, what you're doing is all you can do.
I have done and will keep hoping for you that she stays in contact and that one day gets free from him.
Also hope you had a lovely day out with your DD2

I think if it wasn't one issue causing a division between you and your DD and her boyfriend- it would be something else creating the division (I think BF is controlling and manipulative).

Sounds utterly hell and heart breaking.

Thank you Grey and Pancake, for your supportive posts. It really helps. I had a lovely time with DD2 yesterday (she has not seen her sister for nearly two years now).

Nearly five years on, I'm wondering how everything is? I came here from a current thread and just feel really sad for the parents and DDs involved. Never seems to be DSs affected in the same way , just vulnerable naive young women targetted. I do hope things have improved for you and your family.