The straw that broke the camel's back?

[smileygrapefruit]

Has anyone ever ended an otherwise very happy and loving marriage over something quite small because you just can't take it anymore and the same thing keeps happening despite promises that it won't happen again?

Having RTFT, all I'm going to say is this; being mentally ill does not absolve you of abusive behaviours.

Im not sure the texts are helping you at all OP. All they do is give another compulsion and crutch. You rely on them to minimise your anxiety a little. Yet actually in the long run its worse by it because it just prolongs. Im surprised your CBT didnt explore that. Mine did and ive found it a pretty common theme with other folks with anxiety, regardless of type, who have had CBT.

You do sound controlling. You really need to ask yourself honestly what you would advise your dc if they had a partner like this. You cant help having anxiety but you have to not let it affect others like this, so they are on edge and worried of doing wrong. Ive been there too and it can wreck your relationship and spouse.

Can you still speak to your counsellors? Our service we can calm for telephone support, najnly office hours but they could help you manage your anxiety?

How would you manage if he wasnt there permenantly if you cant cope with him being out for the evening once in a blue moon - i would say he should be the one to consider leaving 😮

I don't think you are unreasonable. If your partner would usually tell you if he was late/held up, at work etc, and you know he is drinking too much then of course you will worry. Perhaps he should get help with binge drinking

Missingstreetlife

Hahahahahaha @ 4 times a year = binge drinking

I like your sense of humour

TBF it is still binge drinking even if it is limited to drinking yourself into a total state 4-6 times a year.

It’s about episodically consuming a large amount of alcohol in a short space of time.

It’s not about not texting or phoning your anxious wife though.

Clearly the OP is right that pissing the bed level of drunk is not ok, but she has even admitted that (on another thread) she feels this out of control drinking on these occasions is influenced by her demands to appease her anxiety.

Which BTW used to be demanding he tell her every detail of where he was going, for how long and who with and now has been reduced to demanding he tell her how long and text/call if going to be later.

She’s detailed in other threads that some of the occasions where he has been very drunk have been in response to things like her threatening to divorce him if he doesn’t come home.

His binge drinking is not good for him, that much is true, however I do think his excessive use of alcohol on those occasions is most likely his maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with the OP’s demands.

If the OP was less extreme about him going out at all then it would be easier for them to discuss the times when he has come home in a total state IMO.

grapefruit, I know it is hard to not be able to trust one’s own brain. And it takes an incredible amount of courage and honesty to acknowledge this for one’s self. I have had to do it (adult child of an alcoholic, anxiety, panic attacks) as my perceptions have been skewed by a Stately Homes Thread upbringing. I finally got around to forgiving myself for being me and understood I am all I have to work with- so I just need to do the best I can without reference to anyone else. At that point, I felt as if a weight had been lifted.

It takes courage for one/you to admit they/you are wrong. It is just a mistake, everyone makes them. The world will not crush you with shame and humiliation.

Try a different way. Trusting your dh is a good place to start. If you can’t trust yourself, at least you can trust him.

As an aside, my dd has schizophrenia. That is seriously not being able to trust her brain! Thank God she has an awareness about it though and runs things by me for verification.

This is what your thread is: a verification process. Please learn to trust other people.

Good luck

Al anon may help you have perspective. Aa will help with any kind of drink problem.
Binge drinking v dangerous, heart attack, epilepsy, brain haemorrhage, getting beaten up and robbed as not having wits about you....
Not nothing. I wouldn't necessarily leave but you need support

Thank you for the supportive posters, not necessarily the ones agreeing with me but those that are giving helpful advice. Trying to ignore the nasty posters so may not reply in depth but I am reading.

Hi OP,

If he only goes out with his mates 4 times a year, I'm not surprised he takes the opportunity to blow off some steam, to be honest. Life with you sounds like very hard work for him, and it's all on your terms, for your progress. What about him? How does he feel about every life with you? Or is he too scared walking on eggshells to tell you?

If this is the only issue in your marriage, I really would cut him a little slack.

I still can't sleep and I'm anxious but I don't take it out on him

Yes you do. You are. You're considering divorce because you can't control what time he gets home 4 times a year. Poor man.

Greenfingers, how you can decide life with me is hard work and he walks on eggshells from a few posts about one specific problem I don't know. Believe me he is not the kind of man to walk on eggshells, he'll tell me if I've fucked up or pissed him off! And the reason behind the amount he goes out is upthread and I go out the same amount but don't get totally shitfaced.

Because;

• in the past you have demanded to know where he is going, how long he will be, who he will be with etc when he goes out without you.

• you have repeatedly threatened him with divorce when he doesn’t pander to your anxiety and operate within your control.

• though you have toned it down a bit you still don’t sleep when he is out, get angry when he doesn’t text/call and go straight to fixating on wanting to leave him.

• he has clearly told you in the past that he wants a bit of freedom. Recently he has been reduced to tears.

• in the past he has reacted to your attempts to control by getting really really drunk.

• you think because you don’t want to get drunk he shouldn’t.

• you think asking him to let you know when he will be home and him agreeing that he will entitles you to mete out punishment when his battery dies/he is a few hours late.

• You don’t even know why you are anxious.

^ all these things indicate that you can be very hard to live with TBF.

All if those things indicate I'm hard work 4 times a year...

Him going out 4 times a year shouldn’t be an issue.

And no, threatening divorce when he doesn’t submit to your demands affects your whole marriage all of the time for as long as your marriage lasts.

You being like that when he only goes out 4 times a year affects his happiness and self esteem in the long term.

Knowing that you will be waiting up itching to scrutinise and judge his drinking on the 4 times a year he is even slightly living for himself also affects his happiness and self esteem in the long term.

It is also affecting his relationship with alcohol and therefore potentially his health.

Any time someone says ‘if you don’t do what I want I am going to divorce you’ it kills the relationship. You may have stopped saying it but you haven’t stopped thinking it and eventually your relationship will end because of it. He may well stop loving you.

Many people would leave a spouse who threatened divorce in an attempt to control the very first time it happened.

I think you are in denial TBH about the cumulative effects of living with this year after year.

Thank you Offred. You explain things so clearly and well. And I appreciate your perseverance in helping people as well. Thanks for being here.

Very well said @Offred.

Wise words Offred indeed though sadly I think they aren't going to be heard.

If it’s the final straw, what are the other straws?

Offred Your posts are excellent. I admire your persistence on this thread, you are a far more patient person than me.

PP - calm the heck down - having a boozy night out 4 times a year as described by OP is really not a 'drink problem' requiring AA and medical intervention. I have recently celebrated 8 years of sobriety so I'm hoping you can take my word on this.

The OP has been really clear in saying the lack of contact is what she has problems with.

Thanks guys. I am conscious it is challenging for OP.

I am actually just trying to help.

I don’t think it would be helpful to feed the anxiety monster because I know what it is like to be in that place.

That was what I was trying to aim for in my post re: the drinking. The last thing you need when in the grip of anxiety is someone suggesting a new thing to add to your internal list of doom.

I've read and was on the first thread, I've read this thread. I would not want to be married to someone like you Op, when I'm out with my mates the last thing I want is to be constantly texted etc. there is nothing worse then being harassed by your partner. Asked what time are you home? Them needing constant reassurance. It would fuck me right off. I never give a time of what time I'll be home, if it's a really late one I'll text my husband so he doesn't worry. He never waits up for me. Some people are just so needy.

OP, I hope you read and listen to offered.