How do we (I) move forward from this huge mistake?

[Barkingbear]

Hi everyone!
I'm a long time lurker but first time poster who's feeling a bit emotional so please be really gentle with me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally.
Just for a bit of back story- I have 2 wonderful dc with my husband. I love them all to bits abd I love being a mum. I also have a fairly demanding career so not much spare time.
After the birth of DC2 my husband decided he was done having any more babies, and I thought I was too, so he booked to have a vasectomy. To cut a long story short- after me changing my mind at the 11th hour, lots of crying, pleading and explaining that I really wasn't ready to close that door- my husband had the vasectomy anyway.
That was 12 months ago this week.
Since the op I have cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. some times for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours on end (never ever in front of the children).
My husband is completely aware of the upset and hurt that he has caused but remains unrepentant and still says he did the right thing. He can't even bring himself to comfort me when im upset because we have drifted so far apart and obviously want different things for our family. It has shaken our relationship to the core.
My dh is a normally a really kind and loving man and is a fantastic dad and husband in all other respects, but he really struggles to talk about feelings and tends to just distance himself if something is difficult to talk about.
I feel as though I mean nothing to him.
It also has me doubting myself as a good mummy too- I obviously made such a mess of the baby years with my dc that he would never even consider another child with me.
Our first dc was a pretty challenging baby- he literally cried constantly from birth until he was about 2 and barely slept- but both our children are fantastic and loving now but dh says he never wants to go through that again. I honestly think now in retrospect he didn't want to try for a second although he loves both our babies immensely.
I have nightmares that we will seperate and he will find somebody else worthy of having another baby with and have his vasectomy reversed.
I think all of these feelings are made 10x worse because my best friend has just had a baby. Of course I am so so happy for her and her dh but it makes me feel so down. I'm such an awful person.
Things got so bad a few months back that I had a breakdown. Luckily my mum could have the dc for a few days as mummy wasn't feeling very well and it was before I returned to work from maternity leave so nobody other than my gp, mum and dh really know. This is the first time I have admitted to anybody else (even if it is anonymously!)
From the outside we have the perfect life. A beautiful family, a nice house, good jobs, nice cars. But I just feel totally empty and betrayed.
How can the one person who is supposed to love you and care for you the most cause so so much pain. How can he sleep at night when I lie crying, how can he see my tear stained face for a whole fucking year and say nothing???
I have suggested couples councelling but dh doesn't want to go because he thinks it marks the end. And so we continue to ignore the state of things.
I have nobody in RL to talk to this about. I spend most of my time at work or with my beautiful babies so I don't talk about it. I don't want them to know mummy is sad. So I bury it deep down and cry when nobody is around/in bed.
How do we/I move past this before I lose everything?

Wow - you need to get some counselling for yourself.
You have a lot of issues here you need tackle.
Mainly that you think your DH thinks you were a bad parent.
HE doesn't want to go through the baby years again because they are a friggin' nightmare.
For most people.
For both parents.
It's no reflection on you.
And how one earth will he go off and have DC with anyone else.
HE CAN'T!!!
So you need to seriously address your thought process.
You are taking his decision for himself, way to personally.
You also need to address why you feel the 2 DC you have are not enough for you.

Oh op, whilst l have real sympathy for how horrible you are feeling, l think it is unfair of you to be so angry and upset at your DH.

He did discuss it with you, yes you changed your mind, as you have every right to do , but he didn't change his, as HE has every right to do.

It is his right to decide he doesn't want to have any more children, just as it is yours to decide you do.

The fact you are so upset is really your issue to deal with, he has possibly got so fed up with your blame, he doesn't want to discuss it any more.

I suggest you get the counselling you need independantly and discuss your feelings until you get some peace and acceptance.

Otherwise l fear you will inadvertently destroy your rather lovely marriage and family.

Wow. Thanks for the support

Can't add much to what the previous two posters have said. I agree with them entirely.

Tactful as always. I'm not sure why I thought I should post here. My mistake.

Hi OP, firstly, I'm truly sorry that you are feeling so unhappy, on paper, it sounds very much, like you have a near perfect life.
Do you think you may have depression, have you revisited you're GP ?
As an outsider, looking in, and this may be a very hard ask, could you possibly wear your DHs shoes for a while. He obviously has his reasons for not wanting another child, and felt strongly enough, that he went ahead with the vasectomy.
You really need to talk this through, counselling may help.
Your children need you, please don't push their Daddy away.
Sending you a warm hug, you can do this ! 🌸🌸🌸

To be fair you thought you were done too then changed your mind. I do think if you have cried for a year there is more going on than you can’t have a third child.

Hi op. You have two lovely children and your husband, like many other people, thinks that he doesn't want anymore. You have a nice life and he doesn't want to go through babyhood again. All very understandable and he was already booked as mutually agreed.

It's always hard closing a door to something forever but your reaction to it is a bit extreme so I think maybe you need to speak to a doctor and arrange some counselling.

What do you want to hear, OP? That we all agree with you that your DH betrayed you? That he can't possibly love you or care for you because he had the snip and that he should have just done what you wanted?

You must be exhausted from crying so much. I didn't cry that much when my husband left me with two children under 5.

You really need counselling. Your reaction is way outside what anyone would consider normal.

If you are so deeply sad about something you can’t have then how is that affecting your relationship with your children?

He made his decision, his body his choice.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are taking his decision not to have any more children so badly.

Perhaps getting some counselling about the way you feel would be beneficial?

I really feel for you. It is such a big thing to get over but if your husband has taken the decision not to have any more children i think you have to accept it.

If the shoe was on the other foot and the husband feeling so upset there would be plenty of people telling him that it is a woman's choice/body etc. I strongly feel that a man should also be able to make this decision and not father any children he doesn't want to.

Please seek help. You will not enjoy the 2 children you have by longing for ones that you won't have.

I agree what do you want to hear? That you are right or you are wrong. That there is someway forward with this.

What can your husband do? Tell you that you are right. Or simply that having had 2 children his family was complete and he wanted to relax and remove any chance of there being an accident.

Because truthfully YOU are the one causing you this pain, and only you can fix it. I would say counselling just for you is needed

We also have 2 children (teens now) and my DH has a vasectomy, his choice. I supported him because it is his body and you can't force someone to have babies with you. I felt sad that door had closed for good (and still feel I would've loved another child, I 'miss' the 3rd child we never had). But I feel lucky to have the wonderful 2 that I do, and a DH that I love. I would never have let this come between us, I respect him and his decisions too much.

Not at all, I know this is my issue. But maybe when somebody is in a really desperate place a good telling what a mess they are isn't really what they need x

OP, this must be a difficult time for you and you do sound like you are struggling without support. As previous posters have suggested counselling for yourself would possibly be helpful.

It does unfortunately sound as if your husband has distanced himself from you because of your strong reaction which has made you feel worse and second guessing your life. He may also be struggling with your reaction as it sounds like you have a lot of blame for his decision. It is a decision that you both made and even though you changed your mind it is his body to make his own decision about. You sound like you love him and I am sure he loves you, its just that you are having a bit of a blip.

I dont think mumsnet is perhaps the right place for you to come for advice, I feel you would be best talking to a professional. Sometimes we all need a bit of help in life.

Barking, you sound really depressed. Maybe start with a visit to the GP?

Sorry you're going through this. However this is so extreme. I also think you need to seek help from your gp. To be crying every day for a year and to be having such negative thoughts against your husband is concerning. None of us can diagnose you on here, but it would be fair to say you are struggling with your mental health and do need some professional help with it.

You were defensive from the outset. Neither of the first two posters said you were a mess, both suggested counselling because your reaction is extreme (to say the least), one expressed huge sympathy with you.

Everyone is saying you need counselling. No one has called you a mess.

Thanks for the replies. I have been in contact with a counsellor but there isn't much availability in my area for appointments at the moment so I'm waiting to see them x

I just don't want to feel like this anymore

Have you seen your GP about depression and going on anti depressants while you want for counselling?

This happened the exact opposite for me and my husband. He made the choice himself that as he became a dad to our youngest (of 4) at 45, he did not want to be a dad to any additional children after that age. he really was against the whole "being mistaken for grandad" and not being able to keep up with a toddler in his late 40s/early 50s. I didn't agree ( I am 16 years younger than him and always wanted 5 kids). At the last minute, the evening before he was getting the vasectomy, he changed his mind and said if I wanted another baby then so be it, he would have as many as I chose. The second he said it, I knew he was not 100% fully behind it, he was trying to make me happy and to be sure that this did not come between us as a couple and cause a separation down the line.

How could I make him a father again, knowing that he was not 100% behind the choice? sure he would love another kid but what if it wasn't the same? what if he resented me? I realised very quickly that my 4 children that already existed where much , MUCH more important than a baby that I may never have and I had a duty to them and to my husband to respect his bodily autonomy.

I marched him down the clinic first thing and he got it done. I do not regret it at all.

OP
I don’t think anyone is being harsh and you have received some great advice. I don’t know about your DH but you are obviously suffering and need to seek professional help to try and come to terms with this, especially if it’s affecting your relationship with your DH and possibly your children.
Your DH has as much right NOT to want a baby’s as you have to want one and it’s his body so his choice t have a vasectomy.
You say you dread him leaving you and having the op reversed, surely you can see that’s not rational?
Sorry we aren’t telling you what you want to hear but please get help, it doesn’t need to be like this