How do we (I) move forward from this huge mistake?

[Barkingbear]

Hi everyone!
I'm a long time lurker but first time poster who's feeling a bit emotional so please be really gentle with me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally.
Just for a bit of back story- I have 2 wonderful dc with my husband. I love them all to bits abd I love being a mum. I also have a fairly demanding career so not much spare time.
After the birth of DC2 my husband decided he was done having any more babies, and I thought I was too, so he booked to have a vasectomy. To cut a long story short- after me changing my mind at the 11th hour, lots of crying, pleading and explaining that I really wasn't ready to close that door- my husband had the vasectomy anyway.
That was 12 months ago this week.
Since the op I have cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. some times for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours on end (never ever in front of the children).
My husband is completely aware of the upset and hurt that he has caused but remains unrepentant and still says he did the right thing. He can't even bring himself to comfort me when im upset because we have drifted so far apart and obviously want different things for our family. It has shaken our relationship to the core.
My dh is a normally a really kind and loving man and is a fantastic dad and husband in all other respects, but he really struggles to talk about feelings and tends to just distance himself if something is difficult to talk about.
I feel as though I mean nothing to him.
It also has me doubting myself as a good mummy too- I obviously made such a mess of the baby years with my dc that he would never even consider another child with me.
Our first dc was a pretty challenging baby- he literally cried constantly from birth until he was about 2 and barely slept- but both our children are fantastic and loving now but dh says he never wants to go through that again. I honestly think now in retrospect he didn't want to try for a second although he loves both our babies immensely.
I have nightmares that we will seperate and he will find somebody else worthy of having another baby with and have his vasectomy reversed.
I think all of these feelings are made 10x worse because my best friend has just had a baby. Of course I am so so happy for her and her dh but it makes me feel so down. I'm such an awful person.
Things got so bad a few months back that I had a breakdown. Luckily my mum could have the dc for a few days as mummy wasn't feeling very well and it was before I returned to work from maternity leave so nobody other than my gp, mum and dh really know. This is the first time I have admitted to anybody else (even if it is anonymously!)
From the outside we have the perfect life. A beautiful family, a nice house, good jobs, nice cars. But I just feel totally empty and betrayed.
How can the one person who is supposed to love you and care for you the most cause so so much pain. How can he sleep at night when I lie crying, how can he see my tear stained face for a whole fucking year and say nothing???
I have suggested couples councelling but dh doesn't want to go because he thinks it marks the end. And so we continue to ignore the state of things.
I have nobody in RL to talk to this about. I spend most of my time at work or with my beautiful babies so I don't talk about it. I don't want them to know mummy is sad. So I bury it deep down and cry when nobody is around/in bed.
How do we/I move past this before I lose everything?

I really feel for you OP

Sometimes being straight with people is the best way. I think it's clear virtually everyone here has been sympathetic to your position, but they've also been gently honest.

I have to say I agree. Having another child with someone who doesn't want another would be the biggest mistake of your life. I don't think your husband has behaved unreasonably.

If it's a deal breaker for you then so be it. But you should also deal with your grief.

I wish you the best of luck

Barkingbear, if counselling isn't a quick option you should seriously consider a GP appointment. What you've described sounds like a very unusual reaction. I agree with others that your DP wouldn't have decided against more children because he thought you were a rubbish mum - that you've decided that must be the reason sounds like depression to me.
I've had depression myself - not bad - but the obsessive thoughts and impossibility of moving on mentally you're describing sound very familiar. Please accept hugs - and advice to see your GP!

I really don't know why but I don't want to involve my GPS again. She was lovely last time. I think I don't want to admit I have mental health problems. I only went last time because I was in total crisis and my mum literally dragged me there. Luckily the dc were at nursery atomorrow the time

Another reader here who thinks you need to see your GP. I did when I was depressed, and it was a huge help. Keeping it all quiet is not working for you.

Barkingbear Tue 16-Jan-18 10:16:57
Tactful as always. I'm not sure why I thought I should post here. My mistake

With all due respect, I am not sure why this is your response to the previous responses to your post? This sounds sarcastic, while as far as I can see the responses to your post were measured and thought out. Perhaps you did not like to hear what they said?

It does seem as though you might be helped by support and counselling. Is it possible you are suffering from post-natal depression? You should see your GP and explain how you are feeling.

Your husband made a perfectly reasonable decision and you really need to respect his bodily autonomy. Crying every day for a year is a very extreme reaction and you urgently need professional help. Please see your GP and start the process of moving on from this. Good luck to you

The fundamental difference seems to be you want the possibility of another baby and he did not. You feel he made the wrong decision, he feels he made the right decision. You cant force him to have another baby just like he cant/shouldn't force you to have another baby. Its his right to say no more but I wonder if there is something else in the background to make you react this way. If you are going from work to babies with no break I wonder genuinely whether you are depressed. Keep pushing for counselling and speak to your support network in RL. I imagine that if you are berating your H for his choice this might push him away and you say this is something you want to avoid. I cant say 'get over it' as that is not how depression work, but my goodness, speak to him about how you feel and make it clear that it is not his fault (how can it be) but that you need support - that is how marriages are supposed to work

Your DH hasn5 done anything wrong imo.

You need to see your GP.

Aw I'm really sorry OP, but unfortunately for you NOT wanting a baby always trumps wanting one.
I think you're being a bit unfair on your poor DH making him feel guilty for it as well. I doubt he decided this lightly, and you're tormenting him by crying at him every day? are you really that sad or are you punishing him?
Maybe as PP suggested counselling would help you move on from this?
It sounds like it'd be a shame to lose your lovely family over this.

Its what your GP is for. You clearly need help, as others have said, your reaction is extreme.
Swallow your pride, and make an appointment.

Sorry, crossposted. There is no shame in having mental health problems.I know you probably find that hard to see right now because you are depressed. But there is no shame in asking people to do their job when they can help you.

I think you really need to realise that you are being incredibly self absorbed here and I also agree that this reaction is way outside normal - crying every day for a year?! I doubt this is really about his vasectomy as it is such an extreme reaction.

This is not a mistake, not for your husband, it’s what he wants for himself and his future and calling it a mistake is so unbelievably insulting and destructive to your relationship.

He hasn’t betrayed you either, in fact I think you are betraying him by being so resentful and blaming and by not recognising that you need to help to deal with your extreme feelings about something he has chosen in relation to his body and his ability to reproduce.

OP, you say you don't want to be like this, but then say you don't actually want to go and get help from your GP. We can advise all we like - whether you listen is up to you - but frankly, if you don't, you aren't going to start getting better and it's not going to be overnight as it is.

It's really sad to hear you're so unhappy OP.

Could you afford to pay for therapy/counselling? I was in a bad place some years ago and paid £40 per hour for a Psychotherapist. She was wonderful and it changed my life for the better.

Please try it if you can.

Theres nothing to be embarrassed about. Mental health problems are very serious. What treatment did you get last time?

I understand your reluctance to go to the GP, but you need to go to feel better.

Op, at least you have made steps to see a counsellor. Whilst no medical expert, you do sound as though you are depressed and although you don't state the ages of your little ones, you could have PND.

I think you panicked when the time came for the vasectomy because of the finality. Whilst a reversal is possible, there are no guarantees. But it is final for him with anyone, not just you.

Because of your reaction he may also fear that you may wish to have another child with someone else. He probably didn't expect the impact it has had on you.

I think your post is very sad and it does strike a chord with me. My dd2 was a baby who screamed all the time and if we had had her first, then I would not have had a second. But you are right, things do change. In my late thirties I lost an unplanned baby. My dh was so sad about it and told me later he felt disappointed. We hadn't wanted a third child. The point I make this that a third child is not guaranteed in any event.

I hope you get some help and support for yourself op.

It seems as if you are regretting the loss of any opportunity to give a baby the perfect mother, and taking it out on your h. Which is both unrealistic and unfair. Everyone has things they believe they could have done differently and better. You really need to address what it was that makes you feel inadequate and that dc1 in particular missed out on. Did you have ,or could you have, pnd? Maybe you h saw how difficult you found it and made a sensible decision? Gp should be your first stop although in some areas you can telephone counselling by self referral if that seems daunting.

Op I can see why you would feel hurt by his decision and upset by it. Also don't think you are saying that your 2 Dc are not enough it's not about that, you obviously have a desire for more children which I totally understand I would love more myself so if my husband had done the same I would be devastated. I do think counselling for yourself would really help you work through the issues you are dealing with and possibly a visit to the GP could help too.

OP I completely understand that you don't want to admit MHP and I think this might be the real nub and maybe the right recourse is to start with your GP

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to understand what it is you are actually upset about. Is it that you can't have a third child? If so, did you actually want one? What would the reality of that be like - impact on your life, on your existing children etc.

Is it that you see it as some sort of reflection on your DH's feelings for you? If so, why? Many couples decide to use a permanent method of contraception, not because they feel that their partner has messed up parenting but because, for myriad practical and financial reasons, they don't want another child. What is making you feel like it's some sort of denigration of you as a mother?

Is it because you feel your DH has disregarded your feelings? Again, if so, why? This was, you said, a decision you came to together. He didn't do it in secret and not tell you. In what way do you feel he has betrayed you?

I think you need to answer these questions and get your head around exactly what is causing this upset. At the risk of sounding horribly unsupportive, reading this as a complete outsider, I simply don't understand the problem and I wouldn't immediately think your DH had done anything awful or wrong. I think it might help you to try to see it from a different perspective as well.

I do feel for you but you really need to get help. I feel for your husband too, he must be either fed up or depressed with you constantly blaming him and thinking that he thinks you are a bad mother. How you got to that I do not know. You need to put yourself and the children you have before any hypothetical baby. That means getting help and admitting that there is something wrong. Crying every day for a year is a bit extreme and I wonder how mood has impacted on the family and then onto you when you see changes.

Is it a marriage counsellor you tried to get an appointment with, or was it a psychotherapist or similar?

I think you need to absolutely admit there may be a mental health problem here.
You need to look into and acknowledge it, if that is the case.
You want this feeling to go.
It won't go unless you tackle it head on.
Your family deserve the very best you.
Go to the GP and see what they say.
It's a tough one to face up to but you know from all of the responses here, that this is not 'normal'.

OP I completely agree that this sounds absolutely dreadful for you and you simply can't carry on like this.

I'm afraid that I also agree with the other posters that there must be more going on than this. You do already have 2 children and your DH has a right not have any more children just as much as you have a right to want them.

Please get some help lovely, your GP is the right place to start.