How do we (I) move forward from this huge mistake?

[Barkingbear]

Hi everyone!
I'm a long time lurker but first time poster who's feeling a bit emotional so please be really gentle with me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally.
Just for a bit of back story- I have 2 wonderful dc with my husband. I love them all to bits abd I love being a mum. I also have a fairly demanding career so not much spare time.
After the birth of DC2 my husband decided he was done having any more babies, and I thought I was too, so he booked to have a vasectomy. To cut a long story short- after me changing my mind at the 11th hour, lots of crying, pleading and explaining that I really wasn't ready to close that door- my husband had the vasectomy anyway.
That was 12 months ago this week.
Since the op I have cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. some times for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours on end (never ever in front of the children).
My husband is completely aware of the upset and hurt that he has caused but remains unrepentant and still says he did the right thing. He can't even bring himself to comfort me when im upset because we have drifted so far apart and obviously want different things for our family. It has shaken our relationship to the core.
My dh is a normally a really kind and loving man and is a fantastic dad and husband in all other respects, but he really struggles to talk about feelings and tends to just distance himself if something is difficult to talk about.
I feel as though I mean nothing to him.
It also has me doubting myself as a good mummy too- I obviously made such a mess of the baby years with my dc that he would never even consider another child with me.
Our first dc was a pretty challenging baby- he literally cried constantly from birth until he was about 2 and barely slept- but both our children are fantastic and loving now but dh says he never wants to go through that again. I honestly think now in retrospect he didn't want to try for a second although he loves both our babies immensely.
I have nightmares that we will seperate and he will find somebody else worthy of having another baby with and have his vasectomy reversed.
I think all of these feelings are made 10x worse because my best friend has just had a baby. Of course I am so so happy for her and her dh but it makes me feel so down. I'm such an awful person.
Things got so bad a few months back that I had a breakdown. Luckily my mum could have the dc for a few days as mummy wasn't feeling very well and it was before I returned to work from maternity leave so nobody other than my gp, mum and dh really know. This is the first time I have admitted to anybody else (even if it is anonymously!)
From the outside we have the perfect life. A beautiful family, a nice house, good jobs, nice cars. But I just feel totally empty and betrayed.
How can the one person who is supposed to love you and care for you the most cause so so much pain. How can he sleep at night when I lie crying, how can he see my tear stained face for a whole fucking year and say nothing???
I have suggested couples councelling but dh doesn't want to go because he thinks it marks the end. And so we continue to ignore the state of things.
I have nobody in RL to talk to this about. I spend most of my time at work or with my beautiful babies so I don't talk about it. I don't want them to know mummy is sad. So I bury it deep down and cry when nobody is around/in bed.
How do we/I move past this before I lose everything?

Well done on going to see the GP. I hope this will be helpful and you can turn the corner and start feeling better.

So dh got home, gave me a giant hug and is currently finishing dinner time while I have a sneaky bath. I'm not so sure he's relieved- I honestly don't think he knew quite how bad things had got or how down in the dumps I am. I had become quite good at hiding it from everyone including him. He just seemed really worried.
I'm going to try to talk more with him once the babies are asleep. Hopefully we can both start put this bloody awful chapter being us. I'm feeling a lot more optimistic after my complete meltdown earlier!

I’m very glad! This is the route back to happiness IMO. Hiding your pain from everyone just makes you desperate inside and often means it just spills out on occasion and then you are left feeling all out of control and like a failure.

It was totally a good thing to cry all over the go IMO so they know how you are really feeling and can help.

Did they talk you through what you can expect from the sertraline?

*gp

The GP said I may feel a little worse over the next week to 2 weeks and to expect little improvement before 6 weeks but then I should start to feel a bit brighter. I think just getting it off my chest has helped though x

Hiding your pain from everyone just makes you desperate inside and often means it just spills out on occasion and then you are left feeling all out of control and like a failure.<

I think you have hit the nail on the head Offred!!!

I’ve just read the whole thread and am so glad you went to see your GP Nd have made a counselling appt.

You’ve achieved so much today Bear, you should be very proud of yourself

I really hope this is the start of things getting much better for you.

Brilliant stuff Barking xx

It's good of you to report back Barking. Wishing you all the very best!

Oh well done OP

THAT FIRST STEP IS SO FUCKING HARD.

I had sertraline too, the first few weeks were a bit odd, I had a few side effects. Then on day. I kind of just felt like me again. it’s so hard to describe, but only looking back do i see how bad it got. So please, don’t get down if you get side effects, and don’t be afraid to go back and get different ones if you do have problems with side effects. Setraline and citalopram are the two cheap and cheerful, usually work for most people sort of antidepressants, but there are hundreds of types available, so don’t be afraid to go back if they don’t suit.

And I TOTALLY agree with the pp who said this I think people who have self-managed depression and anxiety their whole lives (and sometimes without even realising that that's what is making everything so hard) can come undone when small children come into the mix. Previous coping mechanims arent always available - squirreling yourself away for 2 days, not gonna happen!

That is so, so true! Only when I took ADs for post natal depression did I realise that I’d had bouts of bad depression since I was a small kid. I was just written off by my parents as a ‚‘moody‘ child.

Well done BarkingBear! you should be very proud of yourself. Asking for help is hard.

Keep note of how you feel on the meds, because often you might have to play around with doses or types, but this is certainly a MASSIVE step in the right direction. :)

Well done Barking. It does take a while to kick in, but hopefully that will be balanced out by knowing that you have taken action, and are getting support. It's not like you will just jump in an elevator and glide back up to the top floor of happiness - may be more like a rock-climbing expedition at times :D but that's a good start. When you're feeling a bit more able to cope, you'll be able to have some more useful discussions with your OH, and if you find a counsellor you like, that can be hugely helpful.

Well done, OP, it's a very hard first step admitting that you might have MH issues. But you have been very brave and made that first step.

I've been there, still am actually. I'm on sertraline myself. It does take a little while for it to really help, I do remember that. One side effect I had early on was diarrhoea, so be prepared for that possibility. It didn't last though, and it was well worth persevering.

Good luck, OP.

Well done on taking steps to get better OP

I just wanted to say I had the same feelings as you, that if I'd been a better mother DH wouldn't have called time on more babies. You're not alone! I'm not sure I'm entirely cured of the thought but I'm much much better.

My children are secondary / upper primary age now and everything has got better. I was devastated at the idea of no more babies. TBH now my children are older I think it would hold them back to have one or two younger siblings limiting what we can do on weekends and days out and holidays. It would make me a worse mother to them if I did it all again with a toddler (however much it pains me to admit it). Particularly in the early days I suffered badly from jealousy when other people got pregnant and had babies. I learnt just to shut the emotion out - to expect the feeling and try not to feel guilty for having it but also to try not to listen to it too much.

It's very hard but you can come through this. Keep taking care of you

Op has your GP also recommended therapy? It sounds to me like you could benefit from having a professional to talk to on a regular basis.