How do we (I) move forward from this huge mistake?

[Barkingbear]

Hi everyone!
I'm a long time lurker but first time poster who's feeling a bit emotional so please be really gentle with me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally.
Just for a bit of back story- I have 2 wonderful dc with my husband. I love them all to bits abd I love being a mum. I also have a fairly demanding career so not much spare time.
After the birth of DC2 my husband decided he was done having any more babies, and I thought I was too, so he booked to have a vasectomy. To cut a long story short- after me changing my mind at the 11th hour, lots of crying, pleading and explaining that I really wasn't ready to close that door- my husband had the vasectomy anyway.
That was 12 months ago this week.
Since the op I have cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. some times for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours on end (never ever in front of the children).
My husband is completely aware of the upset and hurt that he has caused but remains unrepentant and still says he did the right thing. He can't even bring himself to comfort me when im upset because we have drifted so far apart and obviously want different things for our family. It has shaken our relationship to the core.
My dh is a normally a really kind and loving man and is a fantastic dad and husband in all other respects, but he really struggles to talk about feelings and tends to just distance himself if something is difficult to talk about.
I feel as though I mean nothing to him.
It also has me doubting myself as a good mummy too- I obviously made such a mess of the baby years with my dc that he would never even consider another child with me.
Our first dc was a pretty challenging baby- he literally cried constantly from birth until he was about 2 and barely slept- but both our children are fantastic and loving now but dh says he never wants to go through that again. I honestly think now in retrospect he didn't want to try for a second although he loves both our babies immensely.
I have nightmares that we will seperate and he will find somebody else worthy of having another baby with and have his vasectomy reversed.
I think all of these feelings are made 10x worse because my best friend has just had a baby. Of course I am so so happy for her and her dh but it makes me feel so down. I'm such an awful person.
Things got so bad a few months back that I had a breakdown. Luckily my mum could have the dc for a few days as mummy wasn't feeling very well and it was before I returned to work from maternity leave so nobody other than my gp, mum and dh really know. This is the first time I have admitted to anybody else (even if it is anonymously!)
From the outside we have the perfect life. A beautiful family, a nice house, good jobs, nice cars. But I just feel totally empty and betrayed.
How can the one person who is supposed to love you and care for you the most cause so so much pain. How can he sleep at night when I lie crying, how can he see my tear stained face for a whole fucking year and say nothing???
I have suggested couples councelling but dh doesn't want to go because he thinks it marks the end. And so we continue to ignore the state of things.
I have nobody in RL to talk to this about. I spend most of my time at work or with my beautiful babies so I don't talk about it. I don't want them to know mummy is sad. So I bury it deep down and cry when nobody is around/in bed.
How do we/I move past this before I lose everything?

Thanks everybody I will keep you updated xxx

Got an appointment with my Gp also for today at 4.45 as they had a cancellation. Thank you all for spurring me on. I think this could have gone on for months more otherwise.
I think sometimes it's good to get an outside perspective!

YAY OP!!!! You rock! You've taken everything on board and are actively looking to sort this out. It won't be overnight, but you'll get to a happier place.

I’m pleased you have taken some positive steps op.

I think sometimes when the door closes on something it can make the grass feel greener - you have two dcs AND a demanding job, fitting in a third child into that is massive even if they are a perfect baby. But from what you have said you could end up with two dcs and a new born that doesn’t sleep for two years. What is the honest reality of that for you and your career / you and your marriage? (Even if your dh wanted a third child I have seen very strong marriages go to shit over less).

Would it mean a bigger car / house / less time for the children you have and part time working for one of you? Because these are really game changing decisions- it’s not hard to see why dh feels like two is enough. And none of these considerations reflect on how you would be as a mum, but the changes that would be made to the family.

Brilliant, that was a bit of luck. Let's hope they are helpful. Make sure you tell them everything straight, no minimising, no thinking you "mustn't grumble"! And don't be discouraged if it's not what you hope; sometimes it can take a couple of goes before you find the right help.

No, you've done this for yourself, all credit goes to you. This will hopefully be a new beginning. It won't necessarily feel better immediately, but I think if you find a good GP and a counsellor you like, by the time the late tulips and alliums out, you will start to feel a bit better. Hang in there.

Also ask yourself this...

If someone was mad at you and held you responsible for doing something you felt was right but they felt was wrong, could you at the same time support and comfort them?

Your DH can’t be supportive of you because you blame him.

I think that you need to see that if you want his understanding and support, you have to let go of the blame and anger towards him.

I hope you are doing better soon OP. You seem to be having a really tough time and I suspect it has been going on for years. I am happy to hear you are getting counseling. I got out of a depression last year and counseling really helped with that.

Don't worry about crying in front of your kids. It's better that they see you having emotions and being human, than that you keep everything bottled up inside.

You need to see a doctor as others have said, this is not rationale behaviour.

Could you imagine a woman coming on her saying she'd had a sterilisation and that her husband had mad a fuss every single day for a year.

@Barkingbear, you little ⭐️, very well done, you won't regret it. There is no shame in asking for a little help. If you'd broken your leg, you wouldn't hobble around on it. As you yourself have realised, when you reach rock bottom, the only way is up. When you go, be honest, leave no stone unturned.
Sending you love and strength.💐

I do get what you are saying Rewn7, but it's just so difficult to have nobody at all to talk to.
I try my best not to upset him but sometimes my emotions just overspill. It's also really difficult to be comforted by the person that (rightly or wrongly) I perceive has caused me so so much pain.
It's really easy to say I don't blame him but sometimes I do. I really wish I didn't.

I'm really hoping that the councelling will help me to let go of my anger and sadness towards him x

Well done op and hope gp app goes well!

Btw, can I just say that it is so great to have a Mnsnet thread that may be a bit blunt in places but is thoughtful and helpful to the op, and doesn't disintegrate in to back-stabbing and snippiness... .

Perhaps a bit of bluntness was what I needed

You can rely on the old vipers op

Yes, having been here for 6 years I do find that in certain circumstances that bluntness is often the best policy. Sometimes you need that short sharp snap to really help you realise just how serious something can be.

Amazed to see people on this page clearly not reading the full thread or even the OP's most recent updates. Sigh.

OP, bless you! You've had a very tough few years. I'm so pleased you've got the 2 appointments. Try to see them both as an investment in your family's wellbeing.

How did the GP appointment go, OP? I find when my depression really kicks in, my thinking becomes totally skewed - I just start obsessing over things that don't really matter / aren't actually an issue. Does that sound like what you are going through?

Try to be really honest with the professionals. Many of us have mental health problems and there is no shame in admitting that and seeking support.

Great news I hope it goes well!

The appointment went OK. I sobbed and sobbed while the poor gp nodded along. She's given me some Sertraline tablets and I've got to go back in 1 month to see how things are and she advised to keep the appointment with the counceller next week. Just waiting for dh to get home now xxx

I haven't really been obsessing over anything- only the vasectomy really. I just feel really... dull on the inside like I can't feel anything. The vasectomy is the only thing I 'feel' about. Other than the dc obviously who I adore x

Well done Barkingbear, your amazingly brave.
Your husband will see your trying to sort this...

Oh well done Barking! That is all fantastic - you really have done the right thing. I'll have my fingers crossed for talking to your husband this evening. My guess is that he'll be relieved that you are taking steps to help yourself.
Lots of love xxx

Ah well done!! Very brave! Xxx

Is there any option at work for going part time for a bit? You could spend some more time with the children you already have - which might help with the broody feelings, and also get a bit of time out from the workplace and the daily grind, just to have a bit of breathing space.

It’s hard when you’re going through emotional turmoil to have to keep it together at work 24/7.