How do we (I) move forward from this huge mistake?

[Barkingbear]

Hi everyone!
I'm a long time lurker but first time poster who's feeling a bit emotional so please be really gentle with me. I feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally.
Just for a bit of back story- I have 2 wonderful dc with my husband. I love them all to bits abd I love being a mum. I also have a fairly demanding career so not much spare time.
After the birth of DC2 my husband decided he was done having any more babies, and I thought I was too, so he booked to have a vasectomy. To cut a long story short- after me changing my mind at the 11th hour, lots of crying, pleading and explaining that I really wasn't ready to close that door- my husband had the vasectomy anyway.
That was 12 months ago this week.
Since the op I have cried EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. some times for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours on end (never ever in front of the children).
My husband is completely aware of the upset and hurt that he has caused but remains unrepentant and still says he did the right thing. He can't even bring himself to comfort me when im upset because we have drifted so far apart and obviously want different things for our family. It has shaken our relationship to the core.
My dh is a normally a really kind and loving man and is a fantastic dad and husband in all other respects, but he really struggles to talk about feelings and tends to just distance himself if something is difficult to talk about.
I feel as though I mean nothing to him.
It also has me doubting myself as a good mummy too- I obviously made such a mess of the baby years with my dc that he would never even consider another child with me.
Our first dc was a pretty challenging baby- he literally cried constantly from birth until he was about 2 and barely slept- but both our children are fantastic and loving now but dh says he never wants to go through that again. I honestly think now in retrospect he didn't want to try for a second although he loves both our babies immensely.
I have nightmares that we will seperate and he will find somebody else worthy of having another baby with and have his vasectomy reversed.
I think all of these feelings are made 10x worse because my best friend has just had a baby. Of course I am so so happy for her and her dh but it makes me feel so down. I'm such an awful person.
Things got so bad a few months back that I had a breakdown. Luckily my mum could have the dc for a few days as mummy wasn't feeling very well and it was before I returned to work from maternity leave so nobody other than my gp, mum and dh really know. This is the first time I have admitted to anybody else (even if it is anonymously!)
From the outside we have the perfect life. A beautiful family, a nice house, good jobs, nice cars. But I just feel totally empty and betrayed.
How can the one person who is supposed to love you and care for you the most cause so so much pain. How can he sleep at night when I lie crying, how can he see my tear stained face for a whole fucking year and say nothing???
I have suggested couples councelling but dh doesn't want to go because he thinks it marks the end. And so we continue to ignore the state of things.
I have nobody in RL to talk to this about. I spend most of my time at work or with my beautiful babies so I don't talk about it. I don't want them to know mummy is sad. So I bury it deep down and cry when nobody is around/in bed.
How do we/I move past this before I lose everything?

I have tried to open up to a few close friends and family about everything. They either tell me to snap out of it (including my mum) or even worse they listen and seem to care and then at a later date joke about me "having another wobble" so it's completely knocked my confidence.
I kind of feel like I can't trust my feelings with anyone which is why I have been avoiding the GP and councellers. The logical part of my brain knows these professionals will not ridicule me but the illogical part thinks they probably have a good laugh once I've left. I know how stupid that sounds I really do!

It can feel awful when friends and family can’t help or minimise things or deal with it awkwardly but they don’t have the skills or abilities to deal with such deep depression and are often scared and so almost ignore it. If you are repeatedly saying the same things and nothing they say can help they will stop saying it. Professionals are able to help. And medication could get you out of the cycle of thoughts you can’t prevent.

I kind of understand how you feel - my DH had a child (ages 5) when we met, 5 years later we then went on to have DD (now 4.5). We then agreed he would have the snip because a) we have 2 children between us, b) we don't have the space in the house for another child and can't afford to move, c) can't afford another one - nursery costs etc. So we made a joint decision which we were both happy with. Recently I've been feeling broody, a few friends have had babies recently and I'm feeling nostalgic for the baby years, my DD is growing up and if truth be told, I would like another one. However I also realise that it's not financially possible and the baby years can be pretty horrendous, my DD was premature, had some reflux and intolerance issues and was generally a nightmare from the ages of 0 - 1. I would not want to go through that again! So although in an ideal world we would have had another one, we don't live in an ideal world and I've pretty much come to terms with it. That's not to say I don't sometimes feel sad about it but I'm realistic. I think you need some help to address these feelings and to help you move on with your life. Try to focus on the things that you have rather than the things you don't have - hopefully you can get some outside help to be able to do this and you will then be able to move on with your life. Big hugs to you in the meantime.

It doesn't sound stupid to me, Barking. That kind of logic is very familiar to me.

When I was at uni I went to the GP about depression and she was not helpful - gave me homeopathic pills without bothering to ask if I believed in homeopathy. I think homeopathy is nonsense and saw it as her giving me sugar pills because she didn't believe me. Looking back, it was because I was depressed that I reacted that way.

This time round I was lucky to come across a sympathetic GP who did not waste any time getting me proper help. I remember being in her office and realising she was taking it seriously and it was such a huge relief. I'll be honest with you: I can't imagine a GP hearing your story as told above and not taking it seriously. Give it a go, and if by some quirk of fate you come across the same crap GP I did first time round then come back on here for more advice! What have you got to lose at this stage??

Hi Barking Bear
You really have been through a terrible time. It sounds like you have used up all your resources keeping the show on the road while putting on a brave face for your children so they don’t see that there’s anything wrong. And your husband isn’t good at talking about feelings so you have no support.
I think you know that you’ve got to try something else now. You can’t keep this up indefinitely and there’s no way of moving on in the same way as you have been. That’s why you’ve posted here today.
It’s time to admit you need help. Go to your gp. Make them understand how desperately unhappy you are and ask for help. It is very hard (I know) but you owe it to your children - I’m sorry to guilt trip you but in my experience it’s easier sometimes to avoid asking for help when you are just thinking about your own feelings, less easy if you think about how this is going to affect your children. They are very young still but don’t kid yourself that they are not picking up on this.
Then talk to your husband. He may not be good at talking about feelings but he loves you. I hope very much he will find a way to show that.
And finally: mental health issues are health issues. You wouldn’t hesitate to see your dr if you had a physical pain that made you cry every day would you? You wouldn’t expect to be able to sort it out for yourself? This should be no different.

Life is tough sometimes but you sound like a strong woman to me. Have the strength now to get help.
Xxx

Someone once told me that when you go through a period of stress and anxiety, all the cracks in your marriage float to the top. I have been very stressed out lately and anxious due to hormones (menopausal) and as soon as I feel anxious I start questioning my marriage and how my husband feels about me. Then when I feel better I see how silly that was.

I think you are going through something similar. I don't think the way you feel about your DH is the cause, but a symptom.

With friends, it really does depend on where they are in life. If you're lucky, you might find someone who has experience with negative feelings like this themself and can give you something constructive. So don't close off that avenue altogether.

You sound like a really loving mum. And right now, your DCs - both lovely, both with you - would want nothing more in the world than a mum who is in good mental health and not crying every day. There is no way that this isn't affecting your whole family. Maybe if you can't go to the GP for you, you can for their sake? They could also organise someone for you to talk to and get your feelings straight, whatever you eventually decide.

You are all right I do need to speak to someone. For the first time today the dc have seen me cry- I mean really cry. They deserve better than this. I have had to lie and tell them mummy is sad because she has tummy ache
I really need to ring the GP. I just know they won't see me for weeks and by then I will chicken out. Can a nurse practitioner prescribe antidepressants or just a gp?
I have been going to see a really lovely nurse practitioner quite a bit because on top of everything else my uterus prolapsed recently (just as an extra kick in the teeth re having more children)

Please go and see your GP. No one is going to laugh at you; there is nothing to be ashamed of and he/she will help you.

It's the finality, isn't it? The choice has been made and without a reversal, that's it. I think I understand. I have one daughter but either side there were seven miscarriages. With medical intervention there was a small chance of a further successful pregnancy, but something always got in the way - family bereavement, depression, job instability, terrible money worries. So one day, my DH checked in for a vasectomy because he'd realised that there was never going to be a 'right' time, and he couldn't bear to see me go through losing another just for that tiny hope of a successful outcome.

We discussed it at length. I went with him to the appointments and I was there when it was done. I signed all the forms giving my consent but deep inside every part of me was begging him to call it off. Yet I never asked him to because I suspected he was right, that this was best for us, for my mental health and for our little family. But the finality of it all, the absolute certainty that my little miracle would be my only child, was devastating at the time.

Nine years on I do grieve for the second child I never had, just as I do for all those lost pregnancies. I often think I should have been braver and spoken out, but I've come to terms with it. I sponsor a child abroad and in the future may well foster.

My circumstances are different to yours, but much of the advice you've been given here is good: seek help, accept your husband's rights as much as yours. You have two beautiful children and in time, and with healing, you will get through this and you will be happy xx

If the appointment will take a while you should probably get one asap. You also need to do something to "force" yourself to go, e.g. tell someone else when the appointment is so that you are too embarrassed to wimp out.

I'm abroad so can't help with anything practical in the UK ... Are you in a large town or city? Might there be a drop-in centre or café? www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/day-services-online-support/#.Wl3s_TdG200

OP, just as an abortion is a woman's choice, hopefully undertaken with a partners agreement and support ideally, the same goes for a vasectomy for a man. He clearly has decided he doesn't want any more children.

Your distress over this is very upsetting. I think you need to speak to someone about your thoughts and to try and come to terms with it. Also, do remember that vasectomy reversals are not that uncommon so it is an option if you and DH change your minds later and in the meantime, you can have worry free sex without you having to deal with the side affects of all the various contraceptives.

I hope you can make your peace with this.

My little girl has recently turned four and has seen me shout and cry and lay in bed all day due to my metal health. She is robust and brilliant if a little too emotional at times lol Basically what I am saying is don’t worry if your children see you cry, it’s normal and healthy. In fact, I recently explained to my daughter that mummy has a sad head sometimes and that can mean I need to be alone and have a little cry or a lie down to feel better. She understands and now will ask me if my head is sad and if I say yes she gives me a cuddle to make it all better. She has had to go through a lot and understand a lot but also grow up quite quickly so I felt in a position to be able to tell her that. Children are stronger than we think. We have a second child and she was in hospital from birth til 8 months and received a heart transplant and that’s why the elder daughter needed to grow quickly as sometimes we had to choose between them and for long periods of time. She is great though and developing normally and her teachers tell us she is like any other normal child which helped me with the guilt I felt. I don’t really know what I’m saying and feel like I am rambling now, but children are strong and seeifyou cry won’t do them any harm.

I can totally see where you are coming from OP. He knew how strongly you felt about not making permanent move to have no more children, but went ahead and had the vasectomy anyway. You hoped he would have some compassion and at least delay the op. Now that is colouring everything and he’s not even being sympathetic despite you still being so upset.

I think you should have some counselling on your own and as a couple. You need to understanding come to accept why he went ahead and he needs to at least acknowledge how you are feeling,

Totally feel for you OP.

I think people who have self-managed depression and anxiety their whole lives (and sometimes without even realising that that's what is making everything so hard) can come undone when small children come into the mix. Previous coping mechanims arent always available - squirreling yourself away for 2 days, not gonna happen!

Plus, it's also really common to have moments of revisiting the idea of more children after deciding not to. For most people though, there isn't a vasectomy blocking that choice, and they can think it through and tell themself that no, it was just a daydream, and they decide again not to have another baby. You know it can't happen so aren't able to go through the motions of that re-decision.

You are doing a great job of listening and thinking about what is making you feel like this. Actually addressing it can feel even worse for a bit but I think everything will be OK for you op and you will get past this

I hope you're ok OP - it sounds like you are having a really difficult time and need support.

The difficulty with a choice like whether to have another baby or not is that it is a binary - you either do or don't, there's no way to compromise. It puts you in a terribly difficult position if you and your husband don't agree. One of you has to not get what they want.

This is going to sound harsh but please know I'm hugely sympathetic - but you can't force your husband to have another child. He has had much right to decide if he wants to have another child as you. His decision is valid.

Your feelings are also valid - you're allowed to want another baby. That leaves you with a difficult decision to make; what is more important to you? Is it your husband, or another child? If the answer is your husband, that means accepting his decision and moving on. If it's another baby, you have to decide if you're willing to leave and go it alone.

What you can't do it be miserable indefinitely. It isn't fair on you, your children or your husband for you to be so upset all the time. You need to find a healthy way to move on.

I wonder if there are deeper issues at play here? It sounds like you have deep-rooted insecurities about your abilities as a parent. Your conclusion that your husband must think you are a bad mother isn't rational, and I wonder if you have self-esteem issues which are manifesting in this way? I think it's really good that you're trying to speak to your counsellor and I hope that you get an appointment before too long. It might also help you to research CBT, as there are excellent resources online which could assist you.

I don't think it's unreasonable that you want more support from your husband when you are upset. I also think however that he probably feels very attacked, and that you are trying to make him change his mind. I think you could rebuild a lot of trust in your relationship by telling him that you understand and respect his decision and won't try to change his mind, but that you are still sad and hurt and need help to move on.

I wish you the best of luck OP and I hope you can soon find a way out of this painful time.

If you have a good relationship with the nurse practitioner then absolutely do talk to her. I’m not sure if she can prescribe but she will certainly refer you to the best GP available and much more quickly than if you call reception probably.

They may well ask you to complete a test like This and it may be useful to you now. You sound so unwell and overwhelmed. The medical staff are there for you. You sound indoctrinated by your mother that to be depressed is to be weak. It is not. Please go and get help.

Probably any one of the events you list could trigger depression let alone all of them.

I feel very sorry for you OP but it’s done and I think that you need to see your GP to avoid losing your lovely family- with two healthy kids- because of a third child who doesn’t exist.

Had a really good call round and I have managed to get an appointment next Tuesday with a private counsellor to talk things through- the only way is up, I couldn't possibly feel any worse!

Well done, that's not long now. Now make an appointment with your GP for two weeks' time or however long it takes - might as well tackle the problem from all sides at once.

Well done OP but PLEASE make an appointment to see your GP too, please. I strongly suspect you need more than just a bit of counselling and there is NO shame in taking anti depressants to lift the worst.

I am very pleased you have, and am so sorry for how you are feeling.

Well done!! Do stick to it and go along. It's easy to chicken out at the last minute but a good therapist can really help.

You sound like you need some space just for you. To figure stuff out. To look after yourself. But also to feel like you are worth looking after. I hope it goes well.

This thread is going to stay with me for some time so if you can find time or energy to update us, that would be brilliant. No pressure, though, if you need to work things through quietly by yourself for a bit. I will be rooting for you quietly anyway.

Well done OP, its a step in the right direction.

You are important, look after yourself and things will get better. Your lovely family is worth it.