Cometh the Hour Cometh the Lollipop!

[lollipop7]

Oh my word......
Thread number three.

It is a ludicrous but somehow apt title.

Once again Thank You for keeping the faith. You won’t ever know how much you’ve all come to mean to me. If I write a book it will be dedicated to
My lollipop babies
My mum
You lot ❤️

Not much to report tonight but as “Battling On” hit 980 I have created thread three to chart the highs and many many lows so far.

Monday could bring good or very bad news. I’m fortifying myself with a rhubarb & ginger gin with clementine tonic.

So onwards I go. As I must.

Oh lovey, i have no words. He's a prize mindfucker, that's for sure. I'm really proud of you for having the courage to face him today

Lollipop, you've done incredibly well to get this far.

Supervised contact with a social worker present is far better than your children living with him all the time. And even if he gets unsupervised contact you will still have them the majority of the time, and they will be better off only seeing him for short periods.

The videos? Don't worry about them. Not only will it not help, it will make you feel worse and worse. I can't imagine that anyone is going to take them very seriously because of the sinister implications of you being recorded for four years without your knowledge. That alone is a form of abuse, surely.

You're good. You're incredible, in fact. Take heart.

Oh @Lollipop7 - I'm so saddened to read your updates. Gobsmacked at how the system continues to let you and your children down. Please keep your chin up and don't give up.

I’m not giving up.
He set those scenes up with his abusive behaviour. Everyone I speak to about it says it just makes him look really unbalanced and also I have evidence to show I kept trying to elaborate but he wormed his way into my head with promises and bullied me when I was pregnant or vulnerable with small kids.

I left when I knew I had to for my children, yet despite those “recordings” he wanted me back. To do more of the same I suspect.

Nobody normal does this and keeps them it’s utterly sinister.

Kept trying to leave not elaborate.

You're good, Lollipop. He's an abusive, manipulative bastard. He will reveal his true nature to his solicitor, the social worker, everyone. Just give him time. People like him get too angry when they're challenged, or when they feel they're losing control: he won't be able to help himself.

^^ agree with everything OnTheRise says above.
Just hang on in there lollipop, your time will come.

I sent him a picture of our beautiful son tonight, as per my promise to his legal team last week.
A part of me broke as I sent it. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this. He really never loved me. And I gave him everything.

It all hurts so much.

huge hug
Lost for words to give you any comfort.

Thank You so much,
I don’t know how my life came to this, all I wanted was to be happy with my little family.

(((Hug))) you still can and will be lovely.
Do you know something, I’ve stayed forever in a not-dreadful-but-not-healthy-relationship. Last weekend I had to spend an extended period in the car with my teenage daughter and her new, unfucked-up boyfriend. My heart broke at the difference in their expectations. He’s lovely, she expects to need to be a cow to treated considerately. I had a long chat to her afterwards and she’s going to try.
Don’t ever doubt you’ve done the right thing.

I think you will get there in the end.

I hope so.
I couldn’t stay there any longer. Not for my children and because of my children.

I think you were absolutely right to leave him, Lollipop. You are right that you needed to get your children out of that horrible place. It's no good for them growing up under such pressure and abuse. You are doing the right thing by them; it's him who is causing problems, still, but at least you've lessened the negative effects your children will face.

Hang in there. You're good.

How are things Lollipop

Second week of therapy and third appointment today.
I’m on medication now as well. Being away from him and feeling loved and supported has allowed to explore the possibility that I’ve been suffering from ongoing perinatal depression. There have been two months since July 2013 I haven’t been classed as perinatal. Just writing that makes me feel overwhelmed. The therapist and I have been exploring the cross overs with that and ongoing trauma in the relationship. I told him I was terrified of admitting I felt anxious, bad tempered, fearful and off during and after the pregnancies because he was telling all and sundry I was “mental” I bonded with my babies so initially dismissed it but he said that’s not unusual in itself.

He also said an abusive relationship can mask PND but exacerbate it too.

Just hoping my anxiety levels reduce soon as I’m struggling.

Sorry I name changed but still lollipop 🍭!
I will revert

Sounds like now you've got some physical space away from him you can finally reflect on these last few years.

Good for you!

I've been following your threads and silently cheering you on but not commented before. Seeing your latest post makes so much sense. You would never have had the chance to regain your mental health while you were with him. Now you are away from the source of your health problems you have a chance to heal in every way and this is just another reason why you were right to leave. Keep going Lollipop you will come out of this the other side, and never doubt that you were right to leave that fucker.

I often wonder whether a significant amount of perinatal mental health issues are actually just normal reactions to having babies in a world that is unsupportive with partners who are unsupportive/abusive.

I’d be sceptical re going down the route of thinking you had PND independent of anything that was happening in your life/relationship and as a chemical disorder, because it could start you down the route of wondering if you were the problem and thinking he might have been judged badly by you when you weren’t thinking straight.

I don’t believe that is the case.

Depression and anxiety are very often treated as though they are disorders of the individual when a significant amount of the time IMO they are completely normal reactions to shitty situations.

Treating it as if it is a problem with you rather than a problem with your situation means you won’t get better and is disempowering.

Yes I agree Offred. I’m on anti anxiety medication for a number of reasons and I think the therapy is trying to establish if it was PND or indeed other things. Or both I guess.

I got so used to feeling down and anxious and overwhelmed I don’t know what or who caused it anymore.

I agree. I don't think it's possible to separate the individual from the environment. If you are constantly managing yourself and your reactions in order to contain a situation or someone else's behaviour then this absolutely will take a toll on your mental health. Anxiety/PND arise when there is a there is a threat to basic safety. If you're immersed in an unsafe environment and trying to protect kids who are even more vulnerable than you - then the pressure on you is immense and you become the buffer.

I suspect there would be more value in, rather than trying to categorise which box you fit into, exploring things by looking at how your coping mechanisms have been protecting you. Because essentially that will give you more understanding anyway.

Depression and anxiety, despite their negative consequences, can be normal adaptations designed to help protect you during a difficult time. So looking for what function the problematic symptoms are performing leads you to quite a lot more self development than coming at things from a diagnostic perspective.

E.g. the labels ‘depression and anxiety’ are so broad as to be a virtually useless categorisation from the perspective of healing. Specific symptoms like being tired/not getting out of bed (depression) or being hyper vigilant (anxiety) when your relationship is abusive can be understood as protective; avoidance and prediction of things that may harm you.

God I’m not good at the weekend.

I am so unsettled since I saw him. And saw him with two of the children. He used to be so special to me.

I keep crying and looking at our baby and wishing things were different, why couldn’t he just be a good man and love us. I didn’t want the world on a plate I just wanted him to be decent and look after us.

Sorry more rambling. It’s so hard.