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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone divorced/separated and regretted it?

129 replies

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 20:54

The thing that’s keeping me from ending my marraiage is the thought I’d regret it.

A long long time ago I ended a LTR with a man I loved, because my mum said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough, and that I was too young and I ended it. I regretted it and fell into a couple of abusive relationships which I tried to make work because I felt like I’d failed somehow.

I met my husband, we married 14 years ago and have children but he is disrespectful, manipulative and rude. There is no joy or partnership there and he doesn’t listen to a word I say. On the flip side he isn’t physically abusive, he just isn’t present somehow, and is out doing his hobby 4 nights a week leaving me with the kids.

I don’t think it can get better but I don’t know if it’s so awful that I can disrupt the kids.

WWYD?

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 15/01/2018 18:40

Bet there’s a lot of people who haven’t left, and regret that!

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 19:03

TraceyL74 that sounds very brave. What difference has separation made if you’re living in the same house? We are already in separate rooms and have been for years.

OP posts:
TracyL74 · 15/01/2018 22:05

It's been more gradual I suppose. Next step is to move out. I don't feel I can't get on with 'life' until we are properly separated, and that keeps me depressed in this limbo state. I hope that one day I'll find a loving relationship and that keeps me going.

Mary1935 · 16/01/2018 06:06

Hi Zero - how are you - I was wondering if you joint own the house and how old the children are. Hopefully your solicitor will give you good advice.
Do you get out 3 evenings a week at all? I doubt it - but you need to leave him alone with the children - can you get out at the weekend to have "me time" - he seems emotionally vacant and that must be hurtful.
You have to remember that YOU aren't happy - it's YOUR life and we only get one.
Your parents don't seem supportive and I can see if you do decide to leave/ divorce him that will be another battle. If you can afford it I would seek counselling to help you deal with this.
I miss my husband - he was abusive - it's only been 4 months since I reported him for domestic violence - but apart from it being the right thing to do - my head it clearer - the fog has lifted - I'm not irritable (well some of the time) - I've come of my anti-depressants - I'm not worn down with his issues that I'm starting to clear my house of all the stuff I have which I don't need. He used to wear me down - he used to take my son to church on a Sunday and by the time they'd left I needed 3 hours to recover!!!
I'm financially much poorer - to the tune of £1500 a month - he's shit with money and just yesterday felt entitled to take £170 from the joint account to pay HIS electricity bill!!! I've got some savings and I'm very very good with money.
To the lady that mentioned her financially abusing husband - this is now a crime isn't it? Comes under domestic violence.
It's good that the seeds are starting to sprout - I wish you all well.

springydaffs · 16/01/2018 09:46

It's not just no love though is it? It's abuse and neglect I also suspect he's an alcoholic - and therein lies wretchedness and misery for the spouse.

I beg you, leave this appalling relationship, the stench of which will be poisoning your children.

Do the Freedom Programme absolutely as soon as possible. That will get your head straight in record time, that you are in an appallingly abusive relationship. God if he hit you you'd have something tangible to go on but what he's doing is much worse, death by a thousand cuts.

Save yourself and your children and get out. Pull on the support at the Freedom Programme to weather his shock and starvation that you would dare do something without his permission.

While you're at it, your mother is abusive. Anyway, deal with that in good time but for the moment keep her at arms length, preferable as a speck on the horizon, while you motor through leaving this appalling man. You are so invisible to him he doesn't even notice when you have a shiner of a black eye. I'm surprised you're not dead from the abject neglect and poverty of life with someone like him. You poor poor thing. You put up with it, are confused about getting good stuff for yourself, bcs of your abusive parenting.

Sorry if that's two whammies at once. No wonder you have no idea what is good, lovely and nurturing - you've never had it Flowers

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 16/01/2018 10:00

I did the freedom program on line and it made me sit back and think, but seemed to be aimed at women in a different situation somehow.

Things have quietened down at Home and it would be very easy for me to just ignore and carry on as normal. But my children are primary age and I think if I don’t sort this now, it’ll be even harder to leave when they’re older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 16/01/2018 10:03

Mary, no I don’t get out a lot. That’s not to say he would stop me but he invariably kicks off at me and the kids if I need to leave before they’re all in bed because it means him doing bedtime by himself. He argues that when he goes out it’s after the kids are down so doesn’t make any difference. I used to have to go to a meeting (along the lines of PTA) once every 8 weeks and it always started at 7 and this drive him mad. He says I get plenty of time in the day to do things so why should I impact on to his free time at night.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 16/01/2018 10:03

I always recommend people go along to f2f Freedom Programme meetings. Your story is precisely why I recommend that. You need to be there in the flesh to get it.

Please Google the Freedom Programme and click on ' find a course ' to find a course near you. Go. Meet amazing women, get fabulous support.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 16/01/2018 10:05

Springydaffs yes it does feel a bit like two hits at the same time. My mother would absolutely take his part, she persuaded him not to leave last time when I was begging for a trial separation.

OP posts:
hereisntanywhere · 16/01/2018 10:10

Following. I think I have mentally checked out. There's never really been any demonstrative signs of love in my 17 year old relationship (10 years married). He is not abusive at all, generous with finances, does his bit with the kids, says he loves me.... but I don't feel loved or cared for - he never asks if I'm ok or does anything if I am not ok (like when my friend died and I didn't get so much as a hug...) I used to think having a passive, gentle, dopey husband was enough...but the thought of living the rest of my life like this is killing me.

There is a void in my heart and soul that, deep down, I know could be filled.... but not by him. In order to seek out that love and fulfilment I need to break his heart and break up the family of my 2 kids who adore him (8 and 6). It's tearing me apart to know I'm living life treading water, but smashing it apart will break me too.

He really doesn't have the capacity to feed me emotionally - it has never been there and he simply doesn't understand when I have talked about this in the past. I thought this was enough for me, but now I think it isn't and I'm stuck. Sad

springydaffs · 16/01/2018 10:11

toxic parents

She's feeding you to the dogs Sad

(My family too btw. They adore my horrifically abusive ex.)

Lalimerente · 16/01/2018 13:56

I have been in my marriage for twenty years and I regret not leaving.

I tried once but he gave me the works, mental health section threats, custody of dc, got friends families and church involved in
Reasoning with me.

My own family love him more than me what could I do? I stayed in the end . Now it s too late. I am too
Old and bitter.

But I would say to anyone, don t be me, it sucks....

TracyL74 · 16/01/2018 14:35

I relate to so much here.

Lalimerente- I haven't told my own parents anything for the same reason - they love him and my dad talks more to him than me. They just wouldn't get it!

Zero - it's so hard I know....I took a year deciding what to do. Depressed to the point of crying every day and wanting to just end my life...which is stupid as the kids need me!!!

He isn't anywhere - I know the void. I'm still in it. I don't have anyone close that cares and values me and would love to have that from someone. That's why I'm trying to separate and get out of it. It's soul destroying. xx

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 16/01/2018 18:45

I saw the solicitor, I think some sort of legal mediation may be the way forward in the first instance. I had the worst headache ever, and managed to have a nap this afternoon.
My mother has been over tonight and quietly criticised pretty much everything I was doing but I did draw a line and she backed off. And gave DH a lift to the pub, which frankly I’m glad of, as he was extra argumentative and annoying.

Am so tired.

OP posts:
Marinight · 16/01/2018 19:12

Zero, if there any inner relief after starting the process?

Rose84 · 16/01/2018 19:56

I am in the exact same boat, and I am so so miserable. We have only been married 3 years but together 14, 3dc. He is currently sat staring at the news on one sofa, me on the other. Its like we just have nothing to say to one anthother anymore. I live my kife he lived his. However I miss not having any support. Ive just started a new job and he hasnt even asked how its been. He just doesnt seem to care. He is pretty good with the children and I know he loves them dearly. But I find myself drinking alone each night as im so fucking lonely and scared and it masks the problem. He hates me drinking, he hates me being on my phone, he hates me staying up late. I think he just basically hates me, he too is always miserable. Im wondering too if he has aspergers of some kind. His personality is very much he does nothing wrong , is perfect, everything has to go his way, he blows hot and cold a lot too.

We walk on eggshells constantly tbh, but he isnt an awful person, would do anything to help anybody. This is so hard, trying to cope with this and a new job and kids 😢😢😢

TracyL74 · 16/01/2018 21:09

Bless you Rose. Same here hun....we don't talk but he's great with the kids. Just such a rubbish husband. The lack of support and loneliness is destroying!! No one deserves to feel so miserable every single day. I've had 4 years of it....I'm determined to be completely separated this year. Can't live like this anymore. Really can't x

Rose84 · 17/01/2018 06:56

We had a little chat last night, there were some tears, we have agreed to a break to see how it goes, its very sad really, but there is nothing left between.us .

TracyL74 · 17/01/2018 09:18

I know you're feeling sad...and it's scary not knowing 'what now' but try and stay present and not think too much about all the ifs. You've done the right thing, and things can only get better from where you are. It's good you talked and is a sign that things can be amicable. Sometimes people just become different....emotionally and grow in a different direction. Reading so many threads on here it seems to be how it is. It is sad....I think so many don't realise relationships need constant work and shouldn't be taken for granted. Hugs x

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 17/01/2018 11:32

I didn’t sleep last night, not properly. I didn’t even make it to bed.

I’m full of resolve of doing something but then i wonder will it make my kids miserable or hate me or blame me? There is no outcome that seems appealing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 17/01/2018 11:47

Something weird just happened. Last night DH went to the pub and came in and I was dozing on the sofa. He said that one of the kids was still awake on the iPad and then stood in front of me and put his thumbs down and said “rubbish parenting”Angry and stamped off to bed.

He is at home today and said that he knew I slept on the sofa, and that he hadn’t disturbed me. I said no, that’s not true, you came in and had a go about the iPad and did a big theatrical thumbs down! He said no he didn’t and I was making it up!!!Shock I know I didn’t because I was so annoyed I’d noted it in my diary. God I’d doubt my sanity if I believed him. I think he was too pissed to remember.

OP posts:
Marinight · 17/01/2018 12:01

Things go right for you imo. When everything falls into place, the true face of the relationship begins to manifest itself.

springydaffs · 17/01/2018 12:12

Have you enrolled on the Freedom Programme?

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

Have you read Lundy Bancrofts 'Why does he do that? '

Do those first. Then see where you stand.

TracyL74 · 17/01/2018 12:56

Zero - The kids won't hate you. They probably sense you are unhappy. I know my older daughter does. She worries if she sees me upset or cry.

I think of it this way......1. if I'm happier I'll be a better mum. When I was happier I was a better mum...now I let my kids play on their devices way too long and have lost resolve because I'm not there yet. 2. I don't want my kids growing up thinking this is what a relationship/marriage is like. It will harm what they do themselves. I want them to see love and care, support and respect.....all the things they don't see presently.

You are doing the right thing. The iPad scenario is disrespectful and not fair. If the kids know completely they are loved regardless and nothing will change apart from mummy and daddy living separately....though they can see both of you as often....these are their main concerns that need reassurance. At least that's what I tell mine x