Anyone divorced/separated and regretted it?

[Zerosugaroption]

The thing that’s keeping me from ending my marraiage is the thought I’d regret it.

A long long time ago I ended a LTR with a man I loved, because my mum said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough, and that I was too young and I ended it. I regretted it and fell into a couple of abusive relationships which I tried to make work because I felt like I’d failed somehow.

I met my husband, we married 14 years ago and have children but he is disrespectful, manipulative and rude. There is no joy or partnership there and he doesn’t listen to a word I say. On the flip side he isn’t physically abusive, he just isn’t present somehow, and is out doing his hobby 4 nights a week leaving me with the kids.

I don’t think it can get better but I don’t know if it’s so awful that I can disrupt the kids.

WWYD?

Zerosugaroption my oldest is 17 now and he's a very smart kid and very supportive for me with his prospective views.And always was be. Yes, I discuss it with him.

You have so stable and straight life! And mine is always filled with fears and worries, but I'm trying to find my inner state when I don't allow to myself to feel nothing.

Zerosugaroption I just don't think it's hard.I'm trying to live with my dc and do not lose myself.

It's a kind of doom but it's wrong, because everyone should do what he/she wants with his/her own hands.

You need to wake yourself up or shake up your relationship imo.

I don’t know what to do.

Seeing the lawyers tomorrow for an initial chat.

Im so tired of feeling tired and frustrated.

Well done for arranging to see a solicitor. Make sure that you have important financial information to hand - this will help massively with your initial discussion. Things like: respective salaries, pensions, mortgage, equity in the house, savings, loans, any other assets etc.

(Hope that doesn't sound patronising; the first time I went to a solicitor - years ago - I didn't have that information to hand and I didn't get a lot out of the meeting).

My divorce was a long time ago. I was too scared to instigate it and too worried about things I needn't have been worried about. In the end, my Ex left me and it was the best thing he ever did, even though he caused massive problems along the way. I eventually realised that I'd been foolish not to leave him years before. Single parenthood is hard but not as hard as being in a loveless relationship.

Not patronising in the slightest. This feels like the biggest mountain to climb.

Megs Thankyou. What’s the hardest bit?

Ok so he’s just had a big rant about how he gets no down time at all and that he goes out to the pub to get some headspace and he’s only out for 2 hours (it’s nearer 3 in reality) and that I get headspace when the kids are in school so it’s only fair!

But it isn’t fair is it? How can I explain this?

About being a single parent? In my case I had no help and no support network. No family near by and I moved to a new area with no friends. And my ex caused all manner of interference. Was for ever badmouthing me and changing plans for access. It really was just me 24/7. I didn't mind really but it was godawful tiring and I didn't dare get ill. Luckily I'm very healthy.

Being away from someone who frittered every penny, cheated incessantly and was abusive in lots of different ways was a big plus :-)

He sounds awful Meg. My husband isn’t THAT bad. But not that good either.

Oh diddums! Going out for 'headspace' is fine but not most nights. He is away from the children when he's at work. You have work to, you just don't get paid for it. It sounds as though he doesn't like his chikdren much. Parenting is time consuming, in case he hasn't noticed.

It's bad enough to make you very unhappy and he has no intentions of working to make things better. That's bad enough.

He loves them but likes to only do the things he wants - sitting around watching films or gaming. He’s taken them out for the day twice ever. He says after a long day he’s very stressed and either goes out or goes to bed early. He spends a lot of time outside smoking too. I often feel like any time I want to speak to him, he’s got his foot out of the door to be somewhere else. I end up just communicating the bare minimum of child-practicalities.

I don’t think he thinks it’s that bad. He has a nice house and nice kids and a nice wife and nice job and gets out when he wants and can spend what he wants. What’s not to like?

I'm divorced and not regretted it for a second. He wasn't abusive, I simply was fed up in the marriage.

But then again, I am the type of person that is very happy being single. Having a partner just isn't important to me.

Reading comments, I more and more believe if there is no love that there is no love:-(

I worry about not being able to get a mortgage because I earn less than £17k. Has anyone stayed in the house and the ex still contribute towards the mortgage?

@Towelonthedoor

There is more to life than owning a house.

And trust me, if you buy that house with a man you don't love you'll hate that house as much as you'll end up hating him.

towel I earn minimum wage and don't have a mortgage. I'd rather be happy living in rented than unhappy with a mortgage. I will inherit from grandparents and parents eventually but until then I'll rent.

I know guys. Your so right but I need to line my finances up. Thank you for your replies.

I'm in this exact situation. It's been about 3 years I've felt our marriage is over and last year I became very depressed not knowing what the right thing was to do. I struggled with the fact that I felt so unhappy, yet we had built a life, got kids, and felt no one would understand as he is a lovely guy - we are just so emotionally different and I just wanted to feel valued, loved, asked about my day even. He can't do it. So I talked about splitting, saw a solicitor, started mediation....and I felt better as I could see light at the end of it. He understands why, kids are first in both our minds, and they are actually ok with the news. Trying to be amicable, which is the best way if you can. We still live in the same house at the moment, though separately. It's been very slow, not helped with difficulties at his work so I don't want to push. Sometimes I wonder if it's the right thing...I don't think what I want is out there even, men just aren't as giving and the world is a different place than it used to be! The thing that gets me though is that life is short, we need to be happy. In turn our children will be happier for it. I feel like a rubbish mum when I feel so rubbish inside.