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Original poster

Anyone divorced/separated and regretted it?

129 replies

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 20:54

The thing that’s keeping me from ending my marraiage is the thought I’d regret it.

A long long time ago I ended a LTR with a man I loved, because my mum said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough, and that I was too young and I ended it. I regretted it and fell into a couple of abusive relationships which I tried to make work because I felt like I’d failed somehow.

I met my husband, we married 14 years ago and have children but he is disrespectful, manipulative and rude. There is no joy or partnership there and he doesn’t listen to a word I say. On the flip side he isn’t physically abusive, he just isn’t present somehow, and is out doing his hobby 4 nights a week leaving me with the kids.

I don’t think it can get better but I don’t know if it’s so awful that I can disrupt the kids.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Reflexella · 14/01/2018 22:07

I miss him but I don’t regret it.

Butterymuffin · 14/01/2018 22:11

I'm sure people do regret ending their marriages, but I'm not at all sure you'd be one of them, OP. He doesn't sound very nice. The kids would still be able to love him and see him.

Paleshelter · 14/01/2018 22:12

zero he sounds financially controlling. He's happy to spend money on himself with smoking and alcohol- how much do a pack of fags cost these days- but you are in debt and he is not doing anything to pay your debts. I've been part time since we had our children but have never had to "ask my DH for money. Why don't you go out at night- meet friends, go to a class or whatever, let him stay in and watch the kids.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:12

We have had counselling together and apart. The marital counselling made things much worse as I felt that the counsellor just didn’t get us at all. We went to attempt to try to get our sex life sorted but she used a method of trying to increase physical intimacy, which I knew wouldn’t work, and the whole thing was maddening. I suspect some aspergers type thing with him, he doesn’t get why he has to do things, so the counsellor told him that he should increase physical intimacy by brushing my hair, and he tried to do this as I was cooking the children’s dinner! WTF! He said he had to do it at that moment because he had forgotten and we had counselling booked for later that day and he knew he would be told off for not doing it.

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Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:14

Paleshelter I do go out without him, I see friends etc, we don’t socialise together as he doesn’t like it. He has his friends and says he doesn’t need any more.

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Cambionome · 14/01/2018 22:15

My God, op - he sounds absolutely awful. He is rude, disrespectful and manipulative and doesn't want to talk to you or spend any time with you? Why on earth would you want to stay with someone like that? Confused
And that's before we get to the bit that you don't like having sex with him because he always does something that you really don't like...! Presumably you've told him that you don't like it, but he carries on doing it...?

Some of the posts on here are honestly ridiculous, advising you to stay with someone who behaves like this. Angry

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:16

Yes he’s financially controlling but he doesn’t see it that way as I have my own income. He doesn’t question what I spend but he was way more. He pays for stuff too, he paid for my car to be fixed etc but to me, it’s all out the same pot and I needed the car to get the kids into school etc.

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Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:18

Cambiome yes he knows I don’t like it but he says it turns him on. I said it’s like an off switch for me, so we end up not doing it. This used to bother me but now I’m glad. I’m on antidepressants and have no libido anyway. He refused sex for years which drove me mad, but it turned out he had some hormone imbalance which is now fixed. He wants sex now, after knocking me back for years, which is ironic.

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Cambionome · 14/01/2018 22:20

I should also add that I've recently left my dh after many years of marriage. It's not an easy thing to do, but by far the most difficult thing was trying to reach a decision and make the break. Now that I've left the relief is tremendous and he wasn't nearly as bad as this awful man you are spending your life with.

Cambionome · 14/01/2018 22:25

I don't want to sound unkind, op, but you must see that his behaviour is extraordinarily difficult and unpleasant?

I know how difficult it is to leave when you have dc, but honestly you are not doing them any favours by staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. It will affect them and could well damage their ability to form healthy relationships themselves.

ChangingStates · 14/01/2018 22:28

So I am only just about to start my separated life so can’t say that I won’t regret it but can say a bit about where I am right now. My exh (need to get used to saying that) sounds similar in some ways- married 13yrs, financially separate throughout with him the higher earner & his belief I am crap with money (not true just not stingy), also emotionally checked out of the relationship and our social lives quite separate- although we both go out. We tried counselling but didn’t get far. We have both been unhappy for so long decided to call it a day a few months ago but have only just told our 2x primary age kids. It was awful telling them and I do feel like I/we have failed them by breaking up their family and a massive part of me wanted to not say it and stick with the marriage for their sake.
But I also know I will be so much happier out of this marriage, I know that I have often been grumpy or un engaged with them because I am frustrated/angry/upset with him. I know that he and I have nothing left. I want them to know that it’s ok to make changes for the better and I also think if they were in this relationship (both girls) what would I want for them.
So I am really sad it’s come to this, I am heartbroken that my girls are part of a broken family but I honestly believe we will have better and happier lives and that they will be ok.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:31

Oh changingstates that sounds so familiar! Sad

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Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:33

Cambionome I honestly don’t know what normal is. And that’s the thing. I don’t trust my own judgement. I tried to leave him a few years ago and my mother stepped in again and put immense pressure on me to stay, and also supported my husband, not me.

My own parents’ marriage has never been happy but they’ve stuck it out for cultural reasons.

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Cambionome · 14/01/2018 22:44

It sounds like your parents have shown you a poor example of marriage, and you have (completely understandably) followed a similar pattern. Be aware that your dc may well do the same in their relationships - it's very hard to break away from what is familiar and known.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:46

Yes and that’s the biggest reason to leave. They are seeing such poor modelling. I’ve told him again and again that slagging me off in front of the children damages THEM not me but he still does it.

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Cambionome · 14/01/2018 22:53

That's just awful, op.
I stayed for years because of my dc, but I honestly wish I'd left a long time ago. I see now that my sons are not very good at forming relationships, and it kills me to think that my cowardice my be part of the reason why. They certainly didn't see a good example of a healthy, respectful relationship when they were growing up.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 22:58

Cambionome was there anything that could have been done to fix things? I know my husband will resist divorce and will promise the earth but I can’t think of anything that could make it better.

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Cambionome · 14/01/2018 23:15

I don't know really. The main problem with my stbx was that he was just incredibly inflexible with his opinions and behaviour. I was always wrong and he was always right; years of this damaged my confidence and self-esteem quite badly and absolutely destroyed my love for him. Towards the end I wouldn't have wanted to fix things, really... we got on reasonably well on the surface, but there was no real love or respect left and so nothing to save or fix. If I'm completely honest, the only reason I didn't leave earlier was because I was frightened of upsetting the dc and of trying to manage on my own.

Don't be me.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 23:24

That’s very inspiring. And yes the total inflexible thing is very very familiar and I’ve just gone along with it. He is not a bad person, but it’s his way or no way. We can only go on holiday to X, we can only do Y on a weekend, he will only eat Z. He literally panics at change. The last time we got like this and I saw a lawyer he panicked so much he stopped eating and lost tons of weight. He went for counselling to explore some issues and it did do him good but we are back there again. The difference this time is that I know nothing changed last time.

I worry though that I’ll be old and alone. My family are very much of the view that you stay married and that’s that, and unmarried women are treated with suspicion.

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Cambionome · 14/01/2018 23:32

You say that you suspect aspergers, and it certainly sounds like it. The problem is that, no matter what you do, he almost certainly won't change.

Everyone is different of course, but I can't tell you how much happier and more relaxed I feel without him. Smile

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 23:41

I don’t doubt that. But I also worry that I’m sort of punishing him for just being the way he is. One of our children has aspergers too and I’d hate for them to be hurt because of it. Gosh I sound so weak!

I genuinely think he can’t help obsessing about the things he does. But he can’t see or hear me, often literally! I had a massive black eye last year (freak accident!) and he just didn’t notice. When I pointed it out he said he could see it now but because he hadn’t been expecting it, he hadn’t seen it.

I’ve looked back over emails I’ve sent him, which I find is a useful way to get through to him, and I’ve been very very clear how I feel. I think he thinks I won’t do anything and that’s tacit approval to carry on as he is.

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Towelonthedoor · 14/01/2018 23:48

This is my life word for word! 2018 is the year I make my own happiness. I have a few things that I need to organise first.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 23:50

Towelonthedoor keep talking! What’s happened to make you feel like this too?

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Hermonie2016 · 14/01/2018 23:54

Do you have any happy times together? Does he support you if you are ill, is he capable of compassion towards you?

He does sound self centred which seems to get worse with age.
Not sure how old your children are but leaving sooner is often easier.

I regret my marriage ending because of the hurt to my children but I know they would have been damaged by the marriage.I also believe the stress of the relationship caused me to have ill health so don't assume you are coping.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 23:59

He cannot STAND my being unwell. He equates it with being lazy.
He is sometimes compassionate but if I’m honest there’s usually something in it for him.

No, we don’t have good times together. If we go out it’s incredibly tense and I am expected to have thought of everything. He just “attends” rather than participates.

If you could go back and not end your marriage, would you? Your post has confused me a bit.

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