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Original poster

Anyone divorced/separated and regretted it?

129 replies

Zerosugaroption · 14/01/2018 20:54

The thing that’s keeping me from ending my marraiage is the thought I’d regret it.

A long long time ago I ended a LTR with a man I loved, because my mum said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough, and that I was too young and I ended it. I regretted it and fell into a couple of abusive relationships which I tried to make work because I felt like I’d failed somehow.

I met my husband, we married 14 years ago and have children but he is disrespectful, manipulative and rude. There is no joy or partnership there and he doesn’t listen to a word I say. On the flip side he isn’t physically abusive, he just isn’t present somehow, and is out doing his hobby 4 nights a week leaving me with the kids.

I don’t think it can get better but I don’t know if it’s so awful that I can disrupt the kids.

WWYD?

OP posts:
derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:03

I only regret leaving my children's father because of the kids and the situation afterward and that maybe I could have tried harder. But then I realise I shouldn't have had to try harder. He made his choice.

We really did have it all, nice house, two incomes, cars, social circle etc. Just no fucking love at all. I didn't like the guy and he didn't like me and my son was old enough to understand that.

In hindsight it would have been easier financially but fuck me was I miserable. Like sitting downstairs until 3 am by myself watching a documentary about suicide feeling slightly jealous and realising I had to get out- miserable.

I can not let my children grow up thinking my son can treat a woman like a live in nanny and my daughter to expect no effort on a mans part, no siree.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 00:05

So in hindsight would you have stayed?

OP posts:
Towelonthedoor · 15/01/2018 00:11

Zero, I gave up work to bring our children up youngest now 8 and I have been working for past three years. Last year full time. He doesn't like it. Our finances are separate; he pays all bills. I pay for childcare, wrap around care. Treats for kids, tutors, hobbies, petrol but no actual bills. I have no clue what's goes out. My money is gone though. I'm a support worker so not massive pay. Christmas was horrid as he like to have two weeks off!!!! I am forced to have my time off over Christmas due to nature of work. I end up coming to bed anytime from 6:30, just so I don't have to sit with him. He makes all decisions re finances. If I go out he is constantly ringing and texting me. We haven't shared a bed for over a year and not had sex for three! We constantly bicker. Last week his aggression and anger grew and he said some horrid things to our daughter and when I told him how it wasn't acceptable he said it was none of my business. I secretly cry most days since Christmas time. I'm not allowed to drive his car; I have the small older car. Which is fine but I use the car everyday to run kids about whilst he works from home. Sometimes it's the small things! I hope I haven't bored you but that's a bit of an idea of how it's going.

UnicornRainbowPoo · 15/01/2018 00:13

OP, I could have written your posts more or less word for word. Two years ago I told him I wanted out (after 20 years married) and haven’t for a moment regretted it. Though my ex was emotionally abusive and prone to rants and tantrums as well so we are no longer walking on eggshells.

Financially things are difficult as he doesn’t want to share “his” money so we have yet to come to an agreement with regards to the house and finances and I can see that being an ongoing saga for some time as he is determined not to sell the family home until our youngest turns eighteen because then I won’t be able to claim more than 50%of the proceeds.

FWIW, he doesn’t see you because he doesn’t look, he’s not interested, you are not a person in your own right as far as he is concerned. You are there to cook and clean, bring up the children and give him sexual relief when he chooses. I suggest reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Also due to years of isolation and subsequent depression and anxiety issues I have very few friends and little RL support but I can honestly say not having him here is bliss. I wake up happy, the money I do have I can spend how I wish, I get to decide where I go and who I see and I don’t have to wear six layers at night in case he decides he would like to be “intimate”. Best decision I ever made.

Towelonthedoor · 15/01/2018 00:13

Deranged that's the thing here. Financially we have a good life, our kids don't want for anything and I know I'm gonna struggle. I need to figure out what help I can get and if I can try and get him to contribute to mortgage etc! He literally controls everything.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 00:16

Not boring at all! Horribly familiar!

Yes yes to the car thing. I’m not allowed to drive his unless it’s an emergency. And our finances are like that too.

If we are all at home, the kids follow him about because they don’t see him Much during the week, but if I go off and do something else, unless it’s housework he comes and makes me stay in the same room as them otherwise he thinks it isn’t fair that he’s doing all the parenting. So I end up on the end of the sofa watching some crap film or x box whilst I could be doing something else.

OP posts:
derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:26

@Zerosugaroption no. Or I tend to play with the idea of I'm feeling very low. But no, I would have left or cheated and left anyway.

I would have been a bit cleverer about it because he well and truly screwed me over financially (not married see) but I would have either left him or jumped into a river.

Those few weeks after he moved out were magical. I didn't miss him or his presence at all! I slept better and the kids had a better routine. I had someone genuinely hit on me and reminded me I'm attractive! The house stayed the way I left it and I had no one looking down on me or letting me down constantly.

I've been in a couple of relationships since, one was me all of a sudden being terrified I'd end up alone and jumping in with the wrong person and making all the same mistakes I did with ex, and the one I'm in now where I'm allowed to be exactly who I want to be with no caveats.

If you're miserable op, and you have the funds to be able to rent somewhere then CTC will subsidise childcare fees and you can live single but happy.

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:28

Deranged that's the thing here. Financially we have a good life, our kids don't want for anything and I know I'm gonna struggle. I need to figure out what help I can get and if I can try and get him to contribute to mortgage etc! He literally controls everything.

Im better off as a working single parent. Child tax credits helped hugely with my childcare and I managed the rest of the bills easily on quite a low salaried job,

My only issue was a lack of family around me which meant ex could quite easily manipulate me into having to change plans.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 00:30

Unicornrainbowpoo yes to walking on eggshells. It’ll be nice not to have to do that. He does help with the kids and that gives me a break but I suppose he would do that even if we weren’t together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 00:32

Financially we would be ok IF he paid full child support. My own income is ok. There’s a lot of equity in the house too. I discovered how much he had made from a sideline he does but I don’t have access to it.

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 15/01/2018 00:38

No, don't regret it.

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:39

One huge positive of my breakup with the kids dad was that I became autonomous again and he had to actually parent and develop a relationship with his son.

Ds did say once "I wish you and daddy were still in the same house" and I did ask him if it was a nicer atmosphere now we are separated and ds agreed and only wanted daddy in the same house because he didn't like the bed he slept on. Hmm

Towelonthedoor · 15/01/2018 00:47

I spoke to my children today about how it's not right living with dad that is angry all the time. Eldest said she used to it and the younger one said "I don't want a step dad" I'd not mentioned splitting up so it's obviously play on child's mind!

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:50

They don't know what they want. And it's heartbreaking that your oldest has just accepted it Sad

My children now have a lovely stepmother and my DP is the favourite in this household. They've also inherited stepsiblings too.

Blended families are a fucking minefield, I won't lie, but it's better than living in a sub par reality.

GeorgiesBoat · 15/01/2018 08:11

What if it's everything you describe - the walking on eggshells, the only happy if he's going out, the lack of conversation and grunts you get in reply to everything, the looks he gives you every time you say something (even normal things he answers as if I'm an idiot), intimacy only when he wants sex......the whole lot. What if even though you know you could be damaging your childrens relationships and it keeps you up at night. What if he modelled his entire life on his fathers, which he resented completely, and his views were so old fashioned he refuses any sort of council? What if despite it all you still love him and wish to God he could just see it and change!!! Is leaving still the way?
Sorry for the rambling

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 08:25

Well that’s the thing Georgie. I have totally lost sight of normal, or love or anything. He’s a sort of benign presence in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 08:29

As I type he is in (his) bed. He went out last night and came home and threw up. He says that he was sick because he has the flu and he is too unwell to take our genuinely poorly child to the docs this morning “as it would be irresponsible to infect everyone” but apparently infecting the pub is ok. He said he would give me a hand getting the others out to school but so far he hasn’t got vertical.

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Marinight · 15/01/2018 09:10

Zerosugaroption How familiar the things you and other participants describe! And how easy to get yourself into that strange maze of life and how difficult to get out of there! :-(

Marinight · 15/01/2018 09:15

I feel like I'm a kind of being in habit of being dreadfully miserable.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 09:19

Marinight I don’t even know if I’m miserable. I’m mostly numb.

I’m seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
Marinight · 15/01/2018 09:27

It's not the first time I'm thinking of the splitting up, and every time that I rethink and stay, my oldest child feels hugely grateful to me for this, but deeply inside anyway feels sorry for me.

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 09:31

Do you discuss it with the kids? I haven’t mentioned it but mine are very young.

OP posts:
Marinight · 15/01/2018 09:31

Zerosugaroption Were you both in love so much that now you feel so tremendous devastation?

Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 09:32

Marinight no! We were always a gentle burn that worked well when we wanted the same things. Not some grand romance at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zerosugaroption · 15/01/2018 09:32

Were you? If so that must be doubly hard, but then at least you know how good it could be again?

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