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Original poster

Article in Guardian about black men not dating black women

137 replies

CharizMa · 13/01/2018 14:20

Sorry cant link on my phone but i thought it was interesting and sad that yet again men hold all the power in dsting. Im white in ireland so im not dating black men or any men at all as the ones who message me are all so much older and look like lifers and send messages that dont win u over. I guess im just saying that i cant imagine what it must be like for it to be WORSE than it is. Why do men get to do all the choosing?

OP posts:

ElliePhillips · 14/01/2018 14:39

Which 'culture' was that @user1490465531 ? 'Africa' is a huge continent with loads of countries. Saying "my African friend" is like saying my "European friend." It's a bit vague.

user1490465531 · 14/01/2018 14:43

He was Nigerian.

Duchy0fGrandFenwick · 14/01/2018 14:46

Lots of black families also hate the idea of their children dating white people

You get daft people from every colour and creed that believe such things.

ElliePhillips · 14/01/2018 14:51

Also although it is the case that there will enviably be black families who object to their children/siblings marrying white people statistically it is white people who are most resistent to marrying people of a different ethnicity.

"But while the number of people from black, Asian and mixed-race backgrounds settling down with someone from another group have all risen, white people remain by far the most segregated on the domestic front....People from an African background are five and a half times as likely to be in a mixed relationship as white people, while those of Indian ancestry are three times as likely."
Source The Telegraph www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/10943807/Love-across-the-divide-interracial-relationships-growing-in-Britain.html

ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 14:55

You certainly do get it from other races. My mum doesn't like the fact me and my sister date black men (despite that fact she's white and our father is black) she also doesn't like our brothers dating black women and expressed disapproval after seeing our brother in a picture white his black female friend (thinking it was a girlfriend).

SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 14:59

Saying "my African friend" is like saying my "European friend." It's a bit vague.

True. Even within one African country... the traditions are different.

I once dated a guy from the same country as me, but from a different region.

I hated it when he spoke his language to his friends, because I couldn't understand what they were saying and when we split up...I said I'd never marry anyone with a native language that I couldn't understand.

In the dating and marrying game ...it's really about your self confidence and how much self worth you have... or at least how much you demonstrate. A confident man/woman of any race can find a decent man or woman... though I'm aware there seem to be more single women than men .. among those I know.

Among my acquaintances or friends of friends ..mostly black women ... I can generally see the reason why the single ones are single.

There are some people I know...who would never have a problem getting a man...and they aren't necessarily the slimmest or the most beautiful...but they are confident and have outgoing personalities.

Original poster

CharizMa · 14/01/2018 15:01

Wow, that's conflicted thislittlekitty - has she attempted to explain that lack of consistency, her having a long term relationship and at least 3 children with a black man and then showing disapproval that her mixed race children date black people that really is a confused standpoint! but who can ever question their mother's ''logic''. I know I can't.

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AlmondPearls · 14/01/2018 15:04

Contraversial it seems but at 27 i felt something like a 'responsibility' not to date a 41 year old even tho he might have seemed refreshingly keen. I think i have always felt 'sisterly' in my approach to dating.

Why would you have a responsibility not to date a 41 year old at age 27? That's insane. Why does that make you more sisterly than someone who does? Why do you have to be sisterly? Wtf?

ElliePhillips · 14/01/2018 15:06

thislittlekitty that is really fascinating. Can I ask how it makes you and your siblings feel? How do you approach this matter? Hope that is not too intrusive a question.

I'm the mother of a mixed race child so I want to learn from your insights. I would hate to make my son feel that I disapproved of his white side - people are people.

ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 15:07

She thinks black men treat woman badly (she's no longer with our dad)and she received negativity from black women for dating black men so isn't keen on them for that reason. It's very hypocritical she is forever telling me and my sister to "meet a nice white man." When I say dds hair is hard to manage I get "well you should have gone with a white man." me and my sister get it a lot more than my brother as they have now both settled with mixed race woman which she doesn't have a problem with.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 15:08

There are indeed black and Asian families who are resistant to their children marrying outside their race.

I asked someone why once ...and he went on about what they had done to us and how wicked the white man is.

I will admit myself to feeling really angry after watching 12 years a slave. Seeing how badly black people were treated ...reading about how pregnant slaves were punished by digging a hole for them to lie the bump in..to protect the next slave baby...while she was whipped with the cat of nine tails.

It's difficult not to have a dislike..if you're black.....
...but some people seem to have that hatred constantly.

ElliePhillips · 14/01/2018 15:08

@ThisLittleKitty wow. I'm so sorry.

Holowiwi · 14/01/2018 15:09

Young good-looking women (I would say 20 to 32?)have the most choices when it comes to dating followed by solvent good-looking middle aged men (38-45).
It's simply supply and demand everyone would like to have a partner that is attractive and they are more likely to be so if younger.

However a mans economic value also comes into play. Women do prefer the men they date to be solvent and a middle aged man is more likely to have all his shit together so to speak.

So good looking younger women have men their own age and older men chasing after them and solvent middle aged men have a wider selection of women who would date them. But they are also a smaller group as there would be less of them available.

Oh also I am a black (west African to narrow it down) and maybe fetishism may have come into play in times gone by but with the younger generations I believe people have just mixed more and are much more open dating people of different ethnicities especially in the larger cities.

The type of people we mix with will be the kind we date so the black men with 'the Vicky pollards' will be the same. Black men who are educated and successful will date a similar kind of woman regardless of her race. So not so different from how people date when they are the same race.....

ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 15:10

It is frustrating tbh and I do understand to an extent where she is coming as her experiences have made feel this way. I just shrug it off though when she tells me to "meet a nice white man" I tell her maybe she should aswell.

ElliePhillips · 14/01/2018 15:14

@ThisLittleKitty but if your father had been white and things had ended badly would she now be telling you and your siblings to only date/marry non-white people? It is not very logical. She is of course your mother so I do not want to upset/offend you. I really appreciate your insight.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 15:22

She thinks black men treat woman badly

Just from her one experience? Makes no sense to judge all black men because of him.

I know someone whose 7 siblings refused to attend het wedding...because he was of a different race. Only her mum went...her dad is dead. They thought she'd change her mind if they didn't support her. She ignored them. The siblings even stopped speaking to their mum for a while. It's ridiculous.. thst they want that kind of control over another person's choice of partner.

I tell my dad...who is a bit archaic in this regard ..that the happiness of my DC is of ultimate importance in their choice of partner and I just want them to be loved and cherished... race is not an issue.

Holowiwi · 14/01/2018 15:30

That's the problem minorities face, when one member of said group does something it extends to all of their group. So it goes from 1 black man she was with being a problem to all black men being a problem. This is an issue white people in general do not face.

Holowiwi · 14/01/2018 15:31

At least not based on their skin colour

Buck3t · 14/01/2018 15:36

@user He was Nigerian.

surprise surprise

Original poster

CharizMa · 14/01/2018 15:43

almondpearls um, for the simple reason that I knew I'd be an older woman one day and far from thinking that the problem of men's entitlement to a much younger woman was not my problem I felt like a piece in a wider jigsaw.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharizMa · 14/01/2018 15:49

SandyY2k, I agree that a confident woman who values herself can find somebody and if I were as confident in my 20s and 30s as I am now then I believe I would have found somebody great, but now it feels like men who are older than I am by an age gap wide enough for me to be conscious of the fact that they're older than I am are able to find success with women younger than I am. So I feel there is nobody to date. Not the worst problem in the world I know. I was saying to my friend earlier in the week that right now I'd prefer a downstairs loo to a boyfriend. I have wasted too much money on babysitters going out with men who weren't all that. This year, the next time somebody asks me how the dating is going I'll confuse them with the announcement that I've decided to get a downstairs toilet instead. That's where my focus will go.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharizMa · 14/01/2018 15:55

ps, lol at a nice white man. tell your mother I have milled my way through about 25 white men on POF in the last two years and I'm not sure any of them was worth bringing home to a mammy I'm exhausted now from all the nice white men.

Before that, I had Irish, Danish and Spanish and then English boyfriends. The Danish one who you'd think was the most predisposed to be egalitarian was the most insufferable of them all! I like Danish people but he used to make me listen to speeches he'd read out. He visualised himself being a CEO and used to make me be the audience for his speeches! OMG I can't believe it now. The Spanish one wasn't machismo. Some of the Irish ones didn't drink at all.. YOu really have to have your eyes and ears open and get to know people bit by bit by how they 'show up' for you as Oprah would say.

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SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 16:11

but now it feels like men who are older than I am by an age gap wide enough for me to be conscious of the fact that they're older than I am are able to find success with women younger than I am.

Sadly this is true.

A man in his 40s can get a woman late twenties or early thirties.

Biology plays a large part in it. If a man in his 40s hasn't got any Kids and wants them...he is best going for a younger woman.

I was having this conversation with friends recently and my friends DH....said a single woman in her late 30s/40s...should be prepared to go for a man 50+ and preferably with kids.

I also think that's why women of all races put up with a lot of crap from men.... but women still hold a lot more power than they think in relationships.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2018 16:13

I've decided to get a downstairs toilet instead. That's where my focus will go.

ThisLittleKitty · 14/01/2018 16:20

^^ that is exactly it.
And as I said I can relate to comments where white women I know who date black men are not married to them. The relationship seems a lot less serious. They mainly don't live together (this is just the people I know) whereas it's the opposite for the black women I know with white men. Another example is when visiting my dad with my mum (they are friendly now but it's taken years) his niece had just got married (his sister daughter) to a white man, and my dad sisters are black and are both married to white men. I again got told by my mum how my life was all wrong and I should have met a white man and they go with white men "because they aren't stupid."

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