Article in Guardian about black men not dating black women

[CharizMa]

Sorry cant link on my phone but i thought it was interesting and sad that yet again men hold all the power in dsting. Im white in ireland so im not dating black men or any men at all as the ones who message me are all so much older and look like lifers and send messages that dont win u over. I guess im just saying that i cant imagine what it must be like for it to be WORSE than it is. Why do men get to do all the choosing?

Well I'm Irish so I have heard a few lazy general stereotypes in my time!, but I know it is not the same.

With the marriage / dating differentiation, I get that, people's dating lives can be quite private but their marriage is open season for all the aunts uncles and cousins to comment on.

Sorry but I hate the arrogance of (some) white people

Because (some of) the white race think they are the bees knees and that they are epitome of everything fabulous ...

Fixed that for you

Unless of course you really did mean to negatively stereotype an entire race - in which case I think you'll find there's a word for that

I read the article, thought it was a bit of a joke.

Unfortunately, black ppl of both genders face an uphill struggle to be taken seriously.

qz.com/149342/the-uncomfortable-racial-preferences-revealed-by-online-dating/

Ellie I agree with your sentiments...

I'm black. Was married to DCs dad. He's black. We split several years ago. Current OH is black. We've just got engaged and will marry next June. All my black female friends are either married or in LTR with black men. I have 2 good friends who are white Irish, both with black men.

These articles are divisive nonsense, subtly pushing the narrative that black men hate black women. They have no correlation with men I know at all.

If I took in articles/internet re African Americans for instance, I'd think there were no AA couples because negative narrative is reinforced even more, about them. But, I know there are many. Saw that for myself.

I do see a lot of bickering on FB re this subject. I think miserable "all men are this all women are that" people get online where they can spill their bile freely. Some people see that, then take it as a truthful picture. But there are lots of us who aren't even in that convo or scenario, we are just living life

I think the reason for these surveys being done is to promote negatives. What other purpose would there be? & who cares who marries who anyway? I don't take any notice of these articles/surveys at all

I would bet that far more black men date white women than black women date white men

This is true. Although nowadays you do see more black woman/white man couples, there are still some black men who date white but would burst a blood vessel if their sister dated a white man..in fact any black woman they know, even tenuously.

Attractive women hold all the power in dating.

there are still some black men who date white but would burst a blood vessel if their sister dated a white man..in fact any black woman they know, even tenuously.

This is 100% correct in my experience. Sometimes I've been out socially with my white husband and black men who are also out with white women have taken me aside to express their disapproval "Fine sister like you. Why aren't you with a brother? One of us?" Can you imagine the hypocrisy?! Half the time we only know each other because they are casually dating white friends of mine. Unbelievable!

Attractive women hold all the power in dating.

Also agree with this. The author makes it sound like black women are struggling to get non-black men to date them seriously but personally I've found that to not be the case at all. I've dated white, Black and Asian men and in most cases they pursued me (black woman), for a long term relationship and I held the cards in the early days. I think most men just want to be with attractive women don't they? Regardless of ethnicity.

This is such a long and involved topic. It involves love, preference, self-hatred, 'white is right' mentality, 'other is exotic' mentality, stereotypes perceived to be truths. Posting on MN will never give a complete and full picture.

I will say I dated outside my race in the 90s (last time I was single). My preference was (and is) White, blonde, with brown eyes, with fairly soft features but tall build wide shoulders. I'm thinking right now Thor (with hair). Did I mention the hair? it had to be long. Long hair on head no chest or back hair.

Anyhoo, my husband, black, bald, hairy. The only thing that fit looks-wise is his brown eyes and build.

Having preferences is one thing. sticking rigidly to them is limiting. Though to a certain degree (in-laws excluded) dating someone with the same background makes life a little more simple.

I could never (I think) be with someone who wouldn't date outside of their race. Not seeing yourself within an inter-racial relationship and point blank refusing on that basis is two different things.

We both work, we earn well (according to a recent mumsnet thread) and have DC. My eldest is 15, will tell me who he likes. My criteria for a DIL is simply that she loves him and wants to partner up and look after him, whilst he does the same for her.

We live in a fairly multicultural area. But he has liked one black girl. all the others are white looking from various backgrounds. That is his type. I only ask him to question himself why? Is it because that is what is subconsciously ingrained in our culture as being the best or just because he likes them. I have mentioned that it is important he understands his reasons. He thinks I have a hang up about these things. Maybe I do because I know what I went through from both sides, having been in inter-racial relationships.

That turned long. Overall it's a pity anyone still has to have the conversation.

I remember way back in my single days (pre marriage), I was seeing a black guy... he asked if I'd ever been out/slept with a white guy. When I said yes ...he had a look if disgust and asked me why.

I asked if he's been with a white girl... low and behold he has. He was such an idiot and a hypocrite.

I've read a bit about this and think it dates back to the slave trade. When white men treated black women like breeders and raped them for more slaves.

I know of those types. I personally couldn't deal with that attitude. My DH and I have always said 'it just so happened that we met eachother and we both happen to be black.

I've dated men who were white but came from different cultures and my experience is that no matter what their culture will always mould how they are and effect their views to an extent that a relationship rarely works out.
However if you date a British born black person apart from skin coulor what are the real issues?
I think the main issue is coming from simular backgrounds so you can relate to one another.

However if you date a British born black person apart from skin coulor what are the real issues?

I'm British born black, but still very culturally aware and follow certain traditions.

For example...I had a traditional wedding as well as a church wedding.

There are a number of things a man has to do in my culture if he's getting married.

I also think it depends on whether you are black African or black Caribbean.

Luckily I didn't have to explain these things to my husband.. as we originate from the same place. He's also British born too.

Some of these traditions may be hard for people from another culture to understand and it might seem like to much hassle.

That said... I've seen that if a man truly loves you... he'll comply with the traditions and do what's required.

What Sandy said

I would imagine British born Africans will possibly have more rigid traditions than British born carabbian ?

That said... I've seen that if a man truly loves you... he'll comply with the traditions and do what's required.

@SandyY2K is (as always) right. My family are Ghanaian. I was born and raised in London. My white, Yorkshireman husband was expected to do a bunch of things for our traditional wedding ceremony. He was very happy to do it all. If anything it was me who couldn't be bothered and found it all rather tedious (I'm not into traditions).

I would imagine British born Africans will possibly have more rigid traditions than British born carabbian ?

user why do you imagine that? What are you basing it on? Are you Caribbean?

no I'm white but have african friends and they have a lot of varied traditions.
Some follow them more than others.
Many are quite religious as well.

so no Caribbean friends?

I have found with certain African friends (Nigerians in my circle of friends), that the think those from the Caribbean have no traditions. They may not have as many rituals. But they have certain traditions that must be adhered to. As in most next gen some do and some don't.

Exactly @Buck3t

Why do men get to do all the choosing?

I'm a man, and believe me women choose not to go out with me all the time 😂

I'm going to throw in a couple of observations based upon my experiences:

Black women receive fewer hits on old - I disagree with this. If I post a picture of myself wearing a long weave down my back - I'm inundated with messages. OLD is so shallow and fickle

There is a shortage of "decent" black men if you're looking for educated, employed, financially solvent, truly single and looking for a LTR if you live in the north of the UK. If you're willing to drop a few of these descriptors then you can definitely find a black man, the "decent" trait will be very questionable.

Black men describing black women as "too picky" is a common insult that I've heard. Too picky in my experience is translated as having standards and refusing to lower them.

I've recently met black men in their late 40's early 50's actively pursuing a good strong decent black woman who will look after them as they get old? These same men had no interest in black women when they were young and exclusively pursued relationships with white and Asian women.

My single female friends in my age group 40+ are mainly single, I think because they refuse to date men outside of their race and culture. Reason's cited include the fetish concerns mentioned upthread, cultural differences and acceptance amongst family members.

Ultimately I believe love is colour blind, if you've been lucky enough to find a partner and you mutually love and respect each other I'm convinced you will be able to overcome the challenges presented via race, culture, bigotry of friends, relatives and strangers.

There's an interracial couple I see on you tube. (AdannaDavid) He's German and she's Nigerian.

This guy (and his family) complied with everything... as the guy has to bring his family as part of the process. She said she married him because he treats her like a princess.

The traditional wedding was in Nigeria. His family travelled there and were very involved.

Ellie I know what you mean about not being keen on the traditions yourself ... I wasn't either...its such a palava at times .... but I understand why it's necessary and the meaning of everything behind it.

For my DDs... I just want a meman who loves, respects them, treats them well and also respects our culture. I would also want my DDs to be fully accepted by his family...if they are if a different race.

I had a black colleague married to a white man.. and her in-laws didn't like it.

Her MIL actually said when they had a baby it would be like bouncing a monkey in your lap.

I just wouldn't want my DDs to have deal with that kind of nonsense.

Lots of black families also hate the idea of their children dating white people.
My african friend dated a white woman and his mum threatened to disown him as he was disrespecting their culture according to her.