Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don't want to give the contact centre my new address etc :(

128 replies

BeautifulLiar · 13/01/2018 07:43

I've posted under previous names before about my abusive ex husband. I didn't see he was abusive at the time, but after he left me with four children including a newborn in 2016, I had some counselling from Women's Aid and can absolutely see how abusive he was! Some things he did:

Hit the children
Humiliated me/the children
Forced me into sex numerous times
Strangled me
Hit me
Pushed me
Pinned me down and suffocated me with a pillow
Went out with friends and didn't come home until the next day
Took my car while I was asleep (and pregnant) and wrote it off - he was pissed. I'm still paying the fucking premiums for this!
Took cocaine and god knows what else
Was sarcastic, nasty and constantly worked away leaving me with all the "wifework" and there is probably a hell of a lot more!

Anyway, he desperately wanted a fourth baby, I got pregnant, he treated me like crap while I was pregnant, then left me when the baby was born.

After he left, I think he expected me to beg him to come home, but I didn't, once. I was absolutely broken of course but I forced myself to get on with things.

He wouldn't stick to any kind of consistent access, so I muddled along with four children and no money, but eventually I came through the other side.

I've had an amazing DP for 14 months and the children are much happier.

Needless to stay I was punished for moving on. He hasn't paid maintenance since March last year, he neglected the children when they were in his care to the point that social services got involved and said he must be supervised. I agreed for his parents to supervise even though they had also verbally abused me in front of the children, but they let him take them unsupervised etc, so it had to stop.

The only times ex H has seen the children "recently" is for a few hours once in March, then the same in June.

He and his friends spotted me walking the children home from school back in October and they followed me, he got out and was all over the children; they were very confused and I was terrified! He made some noises about using a contact centre and I meekly said ok, we'll do that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I have bought a house together in a new area - ok, so it's only 45 minutes away - but the fresh start is amazing. New school, new nursery, not surrounded by my ex's friends/family every day. We're in a lovely house in a lovely village and I barely have to think about him any more.

I still have a tenancy at my old house (until end of January) and went there a couple of weeks ago but there's still no application from the contact centre.

I have a new number and a new phone so technically now if he DOES apply to the contact centre, they won't be able to send me the forms anyway.

Of course he always has the option of going to court but I can't see him having the motivation and certainly not the money.

The children hardly mention him - one is a toddler and can't remember him and the eldest refuses to see him (not biologically his).

Do I stay hidden here, or do I ring them and give them my contact details in case he decides he can be arsed to see them?

We would be picking a contact centre near to us which is an hour and a half from where ex lives - he will be absolutely fuming and probably wouldn't turn up anyway! I don't think he has a car even as it was repossessed.

Thanks for reading!!

OP posts:
smeerf · 13/01/2018 07:55

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm glad things have turned around for you. Personally I would move and not look back!

rhardwick945 · 13/01/2018 07:56

Nope. Ethically you probably should give them your address but I would.be more likely to dance naked down the street than to give your ex your address. You have to protect yourself and your children. You've done amazingly well to move on and upgrade your life.

He can go to hell!

PeonyTruffle · 13/01/2018 07:58

I wouldn’t give them my contact details. I think your children will be better off without him tbh

I think keep quiet and if he comes out of the woodwork again, cross that bridge when you get there

Bastardingcough · 13/01/2018 07:58

If the children aren't bothered, leave the onus on him.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 13/01/2018 08:02

I really thought people would say he has a right to know etc.

I do feel very guilty not giving them my details, and I don't ever want the girls to grow up thinking it was all my fault (I'm sure he'll let them know it was!)

OP posts:
redexpat · 13/01/2018 08:03

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I would sit tight and do nothing. He knew where you were for over a year and did nothing. Anything he does will be in the interests of hurting you, not in the interests of the dc. Enjoy your new life!

JolieColombe · 13/01/2018 08:04

While it certainly sounds as though all of you are better off without him, would it be worth getting a mail redirect to you new address for a few months with the Post Office (or it may be Royal Mail)? Just to cover yourself.

JolieColombe · 13/01/2018 08:05

I certainly wouldn't give him the address though!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 13/01/2018 08:07

Agree with Smerf, the rules of the game say you need to give them your address, but if the other player keeps breaking the rules and hitting you and your children with the game’s board you can elect not to play.

Protect your new environment and peace of mind, don’t give them the address your children’s and your security are more important than contact if he can potentially kill you if you follow the rules

Besides, if he has not made any attempt to contact you since this incident, is it months or years), why should you keep the door open in case he wants to come back to make you all miserable?

ATeardropExplodes · 13/01/2018 08:08

Stay hidden. For as long as you possibly can. It is not your job to run around after him.

Caenea · 13/01/2018 08:08

He lost the right to his kids when he abused you and them for years.

Just go - take the chance while you can.

dumbolickous · 13/01/2018 08:09

Definitely do not help him in any way. If the waste of space is remotely bothered he can do the detective work himself.
Somehow I don't think he will. And that's the best part!
Well done for getting on with your life and providing a happy, stable future for your kids.

SimplyNigella · 13/01/2018 08:10

I think you can set up a postal redirect for up to a year, that might be a sensible move so you know what’s going on and aren’t left wondering whether a letter was sent.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 13/01/2018 08:11

Ps. You feel guilty because, as a domestic violence victim, you have been conditioned to please him. If you had not had that traumatic experience you wouldn’t even think in doing absolutely anything to let him near you or your children.

danigrace · 13/01/2018 08:11

Agree with Peony, if he does come out of the woodwork or DC ask for him at any point then cross that bridge then. No need for you to take the first step after all you've been through, he's broken contact terms numerous times and if it ever did go to court the fact that you are terrified of him is clear and understandable and I very much doubt your actions could be held against you.

And big hugs and huge well done OP on seeking help and getting yourself sorted. Your DC are extremely lucky to have a mother so strong. And YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD! Flowers

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 13/01/2018 08:16

I do also think that if he has not contacted the contact centre yet, he won’t any time in the near/mid future. This is not about love but control and IME, the only way to deal with controling behaviour is radio silence (the least they know about you, the least they can hurt you)

HisBetterHalf · 13/01/2018 08:19

Might be worth completing the post office forwarding address forms. Then any mail sent to old address is automatically sent to your new address. That way you should get the mail from contact centre

dentydown · 13/01/2018 08:20

Put a redirect for the mail for 6 month-year. The Royal Mail won’t giv our your details but you still get the post. Then you can make the decision whether the post “ended up lost” or not.

Slartybartfast · 13/01/2018 08:22

Agree, set up a postal redirect.
then you will know if any contact has been attempted.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 13/01/2018 08:24

red, are you my best friend?! That's exactly what she said! Over 18 months I lived about 0.5 miles from him and he did nothing. And seeing them usually has an ulterior motive!

OP posts:
WhiskeySourpuss · 13/01/2018 08:25

It's been almost 4 months since he suggested using a contact centre but doesn't appear to have done anything about it - or is he expecting you to do all the sorting out?

I say move, get on with your life & be happy.

If he's that bothered about seeing the kids then he'd be doing something about it but he isn't & from the sounds of your post the kids are better off without him in their lives.

ATeardropExplodes · 13/01/2018 08:27

Agree, set up a postal redirect.

Why? It will cost the OP money and if he hasn't done it in 4 months he is not likely to ever do it. She is free now, to a certain extent, why cause mental anguish waiting for a letter to drop for another 6 months?

probablynotthesame · 13/01/2018 08:28

I have a similar experience as you although the father is total NC and not interested.

I changed all my details and address apart from my old email address that way he has a form of contact but I have to physically log into the email account(and can mentally prepare for a message-there never is!) Rather than it pop up on my phone unexpectedly.

Also I would just leave it for him to take you to court, when filling out your details you have the option of a C1 form (I hope I’ve remembered that correctly) which means none of your details are disclosed to him.

I hope this helps and please don’t fret Smile

MrsBertBibby · 13/01/2018 08:31

C8 is the confidential address form. Not C1.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 13/01/2018 08:32

If I do the redirect post thing then I just know I'll have a massive panic attack and end up ringing the contact centre! I definitely have been conditioned to please him, although I am far better at not doing that now.

It's weird; I was worried that we'd move and he'd still be in my head, but that hasn't happened. I barely think about him now.

OP posts: