I really don't want to give the contact centre my new address etc :(

[BeautifulLiar]

I've posted under previous names before about my abusive ex husband. I didn't see he was abusive at the time, but after he left me with four children including a newborn in 2016, I had some counselling from Women's Aid and can absolutely see how abusive he was! Some things he did:

Hit the children
Humiliated me/the children
Forced me into sex numerous times
Strangled me
Hit me
Pushed me
Pinned me down and suffocated me with a pillow
Went out with friends and didn't come home until the next day
Took my car while I was asleep (and pregnant) and wrote it off - he was pissed. I'm still paying the fucking premiums for this!
Took cocaine and god knows what else
Was sarcastic, nasty and constantly worked away leaving me with all the "wifework" and there is probably a hell of a lot more!

Anyway, he desperately wanted a fourth baby, I got pregnant, he treated me like crap while I was pregnant, then left me when the baby was born.

After he left, I think he expected me to beg him to come home, but I didn't, once. I was absolutely broken of course but I forced myself to get on with things.

He wouldn't stick to any kind of consistent access, so I muddled along with four children and no money, but eventually I came through the other side.

I've had an amazing DP for 14 months and the children are much happier.

Needless to stay I was punished for moving on. He hasn't paid maintenance since March last year, he neglected the children when they were in his care to the point that social services got involved and said he must be supervised. I agreed for his parents to supervise even though they had also verbally abused me in front of the children, but they let him take them unsupervised etc, so it had to stop.

The only times ex H has seen the children "recently" is for a few hours once in March, then the same in June.

He and his friends spotted me walking the children home from school back in October and they followed me, he got out and was all over the children; they were very confused and I was terrified! He made some noises about using a contact centre and I meekly said ok, we'll do that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I have bought a house together in a new area - ok, so it's only 45 minutes away - but the fresh start is amazing. New school, new nursery, not surrounded by my ex's friends/family every day. We're in a lovely house in a lovely village and I barely have to think about him any more.

I still have a tenancy at my old house (until end of January) and went there a couple of weeks ago but there's still no application from the contact centre.

I have a new number and a new phone so technically now if he DOES apply to the contact centre, they won't be able to send me the forms anyway.

Of course he always has the option of going to court but I can't see him having the motivation and certainly not the money.

The children hardly mention him - one is a toddler and can't remember him and the eldest refuses to see him (not biologically his).

Do I stay hidden here, or do I ring them and give them my contact details in case he decides he can be arsed to see them?

We would be picking a contact centre near to us which is an hour and a half from where ex lives - he will be absolutely fuming and probably wouldn't turn up anyway! I don't think he has a car even as it was repossessed.

Thanks for reading!!

God OP. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry what an absolute arsehole he is. You sound incredibly strong. I hope the police can do something about Facebook and the utter pile of shite he has posted.

What an absolute cunt - so glad you are away from him. Can you make sure you deal with an officer who is specifically trained in DV? Have you got screenshots of all the posts? You can try the police but you may need a solicitor. There is just a bit of me that wants to ask if you would like MNers to help you give him a taste of his own medicine, but that would be childish

Gosh what a bloody nightmare. I hope the police can help.

Oh thank you - I started a thread the other day saying that he had messaged my friend and I got a bit of a kicking, so I had to hide it. They clearly hadn't read this thread even though I asked them to! Was nervous about posting this.

I have screen shots of the messages that have been sent to my friends, and also of the long post his sister put up. The comments are endless. People saying "those poor children. They will be crying for their daddy". It's awful knowing that people think this of me (and of course it isn't true!) but as DP rightly pointed out, I don't know these people so why care?

They've also been trying to find stalk my DP! They apparently know his first name and the city he has from, so people have been sharing the post and asking about him in the for sale pages in his city!! I cannot believe it. How dare they drag him into this too?!

People have told him about court, which forms to download, which local solicitors are good. Surely he could have just googled all this and kept it off Facebook. He's a fucking bully.

I can't see how any of this has any benefit to the kids :(

I'm that evil I've still kept the Father's Day items that the children had to make made at school last year. Because he hasn't seen them since then.

Just for some comic relief - one of the DC had filled out a little form about "My Daddy" with things like daddy's favourite food/sport etc. One of the sections was "my daddy loves to..."

And she wrote "smoke" !!! 😂

I think you should try to ignore it. I know it’s hard but the longer that you/your firends and family refuse to engage with him, the more annoyed he’ll be! At the moment he is achieving his goal of upsetting and controlling you. You’ve told the police about it so if there is a court order produced for him to see the kids, they can let you know about it. If there isn’t a court order then you don’t have to do anything. He’s just trying to reestablish control, try not to let him.

kitty it's extremely tempting. I would love to be able to write just one post defending myself and then shut down Facebook again! But I know there's probably no point :( my friends have been reporting his sister's post - the picture has now gone, but the post remains, and it has been shared far and wide (a friend I haven't seen for years who now lives three hours away messaged me about it!)

this surely is a strong warning not to share those ignorant facebook posts.
only share if they originate from the police.

thank god for you you are not on facebook!

Angel we've definitely ignored it!

I can't physically respond anyway, DP wanted to respond/kill him but I reminded him we need him here, not in a prison cell my best friend blocked him... There is no court order, there's nothing. Just a social services report requesting that he has supervised contact!

Thanks slarty. I bloody hate Facebook!

What an absolute horror! Just makes me realise that maybe some of those Missing Please Help posts on FB might not want to be found.

That's disgusting
Ill informed public pack mentality.
I hope police/Facebook get it removed

Stay strong OP you have done nothing wrong. You sound amazing.

But you haven’t ignored it though op because it’s upsetting you. You’re bothered by them being written and the comments it’s got. As long as you’re giving him and his nonsense headspace, he’s controlling you. It’s really hard to do but you need to try to not give a shit. Just let it wash over you. He’ll get bored eventually anyway.

'Smoke'. I just love it when children cut the crap and tell it like it is. You sound amazing. I wish you much happiness. It must really piss off your abusive ex that you are so happy now, if he has to go to such lengths to use your DCs, who he couldn't give a shit about, to try and get at you. You know what the best revenge is - living well. I would have the police and/or solicitor warm him and then let go. When I left my abusive ex (he was having another affair) he told everyone we had split up because I was having an affair. So pathetic and predictable.

Get a protective order as soon as you can with the police. Also try to get the police to issue some kind of cease and desist order to him spreading information about you. It sounds like his false story is about to picked up by some MRA (men’s rights activists) trolls and catapulted to viral. They love this kind of shit and never admit the man is usually an abusive bastard. They are very good at finding addresses and doxxing people. Doxxing is when all of someone’s (seemingly) private documents are put into the public: address, phone number, ID numbers, place of work, etc. Tell the police you’re concerned he and others will doxx you and need to have them shut the bastard down.

Whatever proof you have of the abuse you from the relationship, catalogue it now. Return to the house if you can photograph all the walls he pushed you into, blood stains, etc. Log all the hospital visits, times he hit the kids or raped you, all of it. And yes, use the word “rape” when logging it as that’s what it was. “Forced sex” is a euphism and makes people less uncomfortable than using real term for what it is.

I know this feels tiring and awful but you need to find your anger and fight. He can’t keep pushing you and you can’t keep running away, especially not when he’s got half the town involved on the internet.

Good luck x.

mum that's a good point actually. I know I don't! If you must, see your children in a contact centre - but leave me the fuck alone!

Ah lavender you'll make me cry! I have no idea how I've coped with this?! We've just decorated one of the kid's bedrooms and it's gorgeous and we all sat in there yesterday playing with her toys/making up new games etc. The baby was laughing her head off. So that was a good distraction. He may have 100s of randomers on Facebook cheering him on but I have my family which is worth a hell of a lot more

Mumofseven- yes this is the exact reason why I never share those post. You have no idea who they are or why they’ve left. Any of them could have escaped a dv situation and you could be helping their abuser find them.

Really Angel? That's letting him control me? That sounds really blunt but genuine question! I didn't know if I was "allowed" to ignore it. I could tell my friends not to send me any more info or screen shots etc, but I think they will because they're worried he might so something!

What a massive pile of ship OP. Hope things calm down x

Hello - I work in domestic violence and when our clients are in similar situations we can sometimes ask for addresses to be kept secret due to risk of further physical threat - ringing them to ask if they can do that could be good?? State you are fleeing DV and don't wish him to see your new address. Good luck

Honestly op, unless there’s a reason to believe that there’s a threat to you or the kids, I’d ask people not to tell me about it. And if there is a threat, they should be telling the police anyway. He has posted this purely to (get people to) harass and upset you and it’s only working because you know about it. He doesn’t actually want to see his kids. I get why your friends told you about the original posts but there’s no need to tell you about the comments etc, that’s just going to upset you needlessly. I’d ask them to stop.

Beautiful- I had a similar ex. I lost friends had to change job and move. Mine was a midnight flit. Luckily no children involved. Destroyed years of my life - he had people follow me - social media rants- warned off my now DH. I felt trapped and hunted.

Your Ex will get bored and no matter what your friends and family know the truth and know the good person that you are.

Facebook is the equivalent of yesterday's newspapers being chip paper. People get self righteous and then forget about it ten minutes later.

Stay strong. The real victory is how high you have soared without him weighing you down

bastardkitty your ex sounds delightful. Projecting his own shortcomings onto you. I assume you know you're well rid?! Hopefully the police will warn him off - although they said they couldn't do anything when he followed me that time in October, because he wasn't aggressive or violent. Of course he won't be in public - he's stupid but not THAT stupid.

But what you've written is kind of a light bulb moment for me. You know what, I AM happy. I am living well. Obviously exH probably doesn't know any of this, because I keep my life VERY private, but I have a wonderful DP, who proposed to me under the Eiffel Tower on our one year anniversary, we have booked our wedding for this year, we've bought a bigger house that doesn't have mould growing in every room, the kids love the house and they love their new school, and I am free to go wherever I want because I'm not scared of bumping into ex or his crazy friends and family. I am a SAHM which some might hate but I absolutely love, and we will hopefully be TTC next year.

Like I said, exH won't know any of that... But he will know I'm happy and have moved on and don't need or want him anymore, and this must be his way of trying to destroy it :(

Jings I have never heard of those things and I'm terrified of that! Really hope the police take me seriously. Luckily he has a record for GBH and assaulting a police officer so that helps my case. Unfortunately I never reported him for anything. That is perhaps the only regret I have in life although I suppose if I had, I wouldn't have my youngest child. Thank you though xx

Are none of your friends responding to his posts? If it was my friend I'd be commenting defending you.