I really don't want to give the contact centre my new address etc :(

[BeautifulLiar]

I've posted under previous names before about my abusive ex husband. I didn't see he was abusive at the time, but after he left me with four children including a newborn in 2016, I had some counselling from Women's Aid and can absolutely see how abusive he was! Some things he did:

Hit the children
Humiliated me/the children
Forced me into sex numerous times
Strangled me
Hit me
Pushed me
Pinned me down and suffocated me with a pillow
Went out with friends and didn't come home until the next day
Took my car while I was asleep (and pregnant) and wrote it off - he was pissed. I'm still paying the fucking premiums for this!
Took cocaine and god knows what else
Was sarcastic, nasty and constantly worked away leaving me with all the "wifework" and there is probably a hell of a lot more!

Anyway, he desperately wanted a fourth baby, I got pregnant, he treated me like crap while I was pregnant, then left me when the baby was born.

After he left, I think he expected me to beg him to come home, but I didn't, once. I was absolutely broken of course but I forced myself to get on with things.

He wouldn't stick to any kind of consistent access, so I muddled along with four children and no money, but eventually I came through the other side.

I've had an amazing DP for 14 months and the children are much happier.

Needless to stay I was punished for moving on. He hasn't paid maintenance since March last year, he neglected the children when they were in his care to the point that social services got involved and said he must be supervised. I agreed for his parents to supervise even though they had also verbally abused me in front of the children, but they let him take them unsupervised etc, so it had to stop.

The only times ex H has seen the children "recently" is for a few hours once in March, then the same in June.

He and his friends spotted me walking the children home from school back in October and they followed me, he got out and was all over the children; they were very confused and I was terrified! He made some noises about using a contact centre and I meekly said ok, we'll do that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I have bought a house together in a new area - ok, so it's only 45 minutes away - but the fresh start is amazing. New school, new nursery, not surrounded by my ex's friends/family every day. We're in a lovely house in a lovely village and I barely have to think about him any more.

I still have a tenancy at my old house (until end of January) and went there a couple of weeks ago but there's still no application from the contact centre.

I have a new number and a new phone so technically now if he DOES apply to the contact centre, they won't be able to send me the forms anyway.

Of course he always has the option of going to court but I can't see him having the motivation and certainly not the money.

The children hardly mention him - one is a toddler and can't remember him and the eldest refuses to see him (not biologically his).

Do I stay hidden here, or do I ring them and give them my contact details in case he decides he can be arsed to see them?

We would be picking a contact centre near to us which is an hour and a half from where ex lives - he will be absolutely fuming and probably wouldn't turn up anyway! I don't think he has a car even as it was repossessed.

Thanks for reading!!

It was one of the girls' 5th birthday in November, and then obviously Christmas, and he wouldn't have known that we'd moved (well, we didn't actually move until right before Christmas and I've been back to the old house since!) but he didn't send ANYTHING for the birthday/Christmas. Not even a card. Mind you, he hasn't since he left. I find that vile!

The 5 year old didn't even mention it. I don't know if that hurts more - that they don't expect in a million years for daddy to send a card or present; it didn't even enter their minds

He's seen them twice officially in the past year and then once by following you. They are not the actions of a motivated father.

I would move and enjoy my new life and home without giving the arsehole a second thought.

I'm normally very pro children having a relationship with both parents where possible, but it sounds as though you're are better off without him.

If I do the redirect post thing then I just know I'll have a massive panic attack and end up ringing the contact centre!

Exactly. He didn't send them anything last year - that is all you need to know. He probably had no intention of seeing them, he just said it to fuck with your head again.

You haven't got an existing relationship with the contact though have you or have I misunderstood?

You don't need to give your details to an organisation you have no involvement with on the off chance that you may get a letter from them.

Agree with everyone else - move on, ‘lose’ him and enjoy your new life :).

Personally I wouldn’t bother with redirecting mail.

Well done for getting away in the first place! Just to add to the chorus - forget about him and move on, you deserve happiness now, and your children deserve to be safe away from him. Wishing you much happiness ahead!

No, there's no existing relationship with the contact centre - we've never used it.

Before I changed my number I kept in touch with the lady who ran the contact centre, who was lovely. She said that he had emailed her saying that he'd "filled in the online form but it wouldn't work so could she post him a form". She said to me "we don't have an online form so I have no idea what he was talking about but I've posted him a form"

Then she accidentally the form to me (at my old address)! I rang her straightaway and told her, she apologised and said she'd send one to him. That was back in November I think, but he obviously still hasn't returned the form to her.

In my opinion, a loving father would do EVERYTHING to see his children in time for Christmas

Obviously with such an idiot safekeeping the records of people who need to use a contact centre you are better off not informing them. You don’t have any obligation, even an ethical one, as no court has requested such access.

Honestly, as you say, a loving father would do everything to see his children. This is not “a loving father”, this is a mister you need to protect your children from.

A monster not a mister

I wouldn't give them your address. He is less than useless and I don't see what benefit he would be in their lives if I'm honest.

I'm glad you've got a lovely other half now and are happy in the relationship.

i think have the mail forwarded would send your mind at ease.
you would at least Know if there was any contact made, letters written, rather than keeping wondering

reasons not to give address.: they are shit at safeguarding information... wrong address on form... when you ex was violent.

the children have a right to know both their parents but they also have a right to be safe and not abused/neglected.

Oh my god, I didn't even think about the wrong address/safeguarding issue! That's a very good point...

Redirect the post? Wtf! Do not do this. You have an opportunity to be rid of him. Take it!
What kind of alternative universe do some people live in?
She owes him nothing.
She has an opportunity to be free of him.
Op, you 'barely think about him now' because you feel safe. Some people are so conditioned to follow the rules. Keep the status quo. Fear officialdom . Fuck that! Do what's right for you and yours.

I'd normally be one of the first to say that every effort should be made to maintain a relationship with both parents when a relationship has broken down. But not like this! Take your children, forget the contact centre, enjoy your new life and don't look back. I'd go as far as to say that in this case trying to maintain a relationship would be dangerous for your children. If your eldest isn't biologically his, and the younger one too little to remember then take this chance to wipe him out of their lives. Forget about forwarding your post, he's had months and thankfully couldn't be bothered.

For anyone thinking different, this man hit the children, assaulted, raped and strangled the OP and more. Why the he'll would she not want to cut any last chance of this monster turning up on their doorstep!

OP-walk away and don't look back. Be proud of what you have achieved and give your children the life they and you deserve. Xxx

Set up an email address that is just to deal with stuff relating to your ex. Any forms can be scanned and emailed.

It seems you have moved on very quickly from your ex, I hope this relationship works out for you.

Thank you for the support.

I just want to feel safe and happy without dreading contact weekends, wondering if he'll even turn up and having to take them miles away when we could be spending time together!

Maybe in some people's opinions I moved on quickly but he's a diamond, honestly :)

The onus is on him to deal with it. Leave it to him.

If you don’t want him to have your address then no I wouldn’t give it to the contact centre. Had awful experience with one myself the most unprofessional staff ever. It would be like if basil fawlty opened a contact centre. Everything went through a solicitor for this reason (and still does) although god knows contact centre staff kept trying to get the information out of me.

Same deal as you btw, DV only I left him for refuge. Best wishes to you OP for the future and try not to worry about your ex chances are he’s all mouth.

Honestly, if he really wants to have contact with his children, he will find the way to find them, it is not that you are going into a secret witness protection scheme.

Enjoy and make most of this peaceful time for as long as it lasts

I would stay hidden as you are and not look back. You and your little family deserve to be free of him entirely.

Maybe in some people's opinions I moved on quickly but he's a diamond, honestly

I don't think so. You deserve happiness.

I wouldn’t bother either. He’s had since October so he’s clearly not interested.

I bet he’d be happy if he knew you were getting this het up over him though. Forget him and move on.

Ah, thank you :)

I definitely am enjoying it here. We'd never even heard of this village before October last year but now it feels like home.

DP is everything my ex isn't, thankfully!

Sorry that others have been through similar.

Tbh when I was with the guy (for nearly six years) he wasn't THAT bothered about the children - always worked away, never once came to parents evening etc. He lapped up the attention at events such as me giving birth, or one of the children visiting a doctor, but behind closed doors it was a different story. He would often tell one of them to 'fuck off' if they happened to walk into a room he was in! That sort of thing.

Of course I'm still living the legacy every day... I'll often freeze if DP tries it on, my car insurance is far higher than it should be, I'm constantly being sent letters by the Child Maintenance Service saying "your ex missed a payment today" (no shit!). But it's all worth it to not be with him anymore!

UPDATE

Ok so on Thursday night somebody "informed" my exH that I have moved out of town, and all hell has broken loose.

He started messaging my friends asking for my address. Then his family started messaging his friends.

Then (and I never thought he'd do this), he started what I can only describe as a huge circus on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook, but I had several people get in touch to say "I'm really sorry, but I think you should know..."

He had written a status saying I'd run off with his children, and that he'd contacted the police and social services but they couldn't help, so he wanted Facebook to help find me basically.

Then his sister put up a fucking PICTURE of me and a really long post, FULL of lies. She has asked everyone to share my picture and the post, telling them my name, maiden name, the children's names... Saying that I vanished and have taken the children away from their daddy at Christmas. Saying they are all really worried about the children's welfare and they want me to be found etc etc. It has been shared hundreds of times. My phone was ringing non stop on Friday with people telling me, as they know I'm not on Facebook and can't defend myself.

Everybody piled in - hundreds of people that I don't even know - saying that I'm evil, and telling him not to worry, I can't just take a "loving father who has had regular access to his children" away and urging him to hire a solicitor. Even one of my old neighbours has got heavily involved, and has been helping them locate me!

He also wrote on Facebook that he has applied to a contact centre and I haven't responded - and now he knows why (because I've moved). Well we went back to the old house yesterday to clean it up and hand the keys back and there was NO post from any contact centre so more lies.

He will be absolutely fuming - it's all about control, isn't it?! He was perfectly happy when we lived a mile from each other and I was too scared to go anywhere. He didn't bother with the children then. And he will be loving playing the victim now. It's basically a huge public humiliation for me.

I contacted the police about the Facebook harassment and they are coming out today, but I'm not sure what I need to do moving forward?

I am not getting in contact with him, we have a blissful new life here and even the contact centre lady/social worker told me that we do not need to be texting each other - that's what they're there for.

I was the one who bloody suggested a contact centre in the first place!!

He must know deep down that the children are my absolute world and I'd never hurt them and of course they're safe and happy. Oh and that what he's written on Facebook is a lie and that is why social services and the police won't help him.

Just for the record - I have moved thirty minutes away, not to bloody Australia! And I hardly did a midnight flit and disappeared - I bought a house which took weeks to sort!