I really don't want to give the contact centre my new address etc :(

[BeautifulLiar]

I've posted under previous names before about my abusive ex husband. I didn't see he was abusive at the time, but after he left me with four children including a newborn in 2016, I had some counselling from Women's Aid and can absolutely see how abusive he was! Some things he did:

Hit the children
Humiliated me/the children
Forced me into sex numerous times
Strangled me
Hit me
Pushed me
Pinned me down and suffocated me with a pillow
Went out with friends and didn't come home until the next day
Took my car while I was asleep (and pregnant) and wrote it off - he was pissed. I'm still paying the fucking premiums for this!
Took cocaine and god knows what else
Was sarcastic, nasty and constantly worked away leaving me with all the "wifework" and there is probably a hell of a lot more!

Anyway, he desperately wanted a fourth baby, I got pregnant, he treated me like crap while I was pregnant, then left me when the baby was born.

After he left, I think he expected me to beg him to come home, but I didn't, once. I was absolutely broken of course but I forced myself to get on with things.

He wouldn't stick to any kind of consistent access, so I muddled along with four children and no money, but eventually I came through the other side.

I've had an amazing DP for 14 months and the children are much happier.

Needless to stay I was punished for moving on. He hasn't paid maintenance since March last year, he neglected the children when they were in his care to the point that social services got involved and said he must be supervised. I agreed for his parents to supervise even though they had also verbally abused me in front of the children, but they let him take them unsupervised etc, so it had to stop.

The only times ex H has seen the children "recently" is for a few hours once in March, then the same in June.

He and his friends spotted me walking the children home from school back in October and they followed me, he got out and was all over the children; they were very confused and I was terrified! He made some noises about using a contact centre and I meekly said ok, we'll do that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I have bought a house together in a new area - ok, so it's only 45 minutes away - but the fresh start is amazing. New school, new nursery, not surrounded by my ex's friends/family every day. We're in a lovely house in a lovely village and I barely have to think about him any more.

I still have a tenancy at my old house (until end of January) and went there a couple of weeks ago but there's still no application from the contact centre.

I have a new number and a new phone so technically now if he DOES apply to the contact centre, they won't be able to send me the forms anyway.

Of course he always has the option of going to court but I can't see him having the motivation and certainly not the money.

The children hardly mention him - one is a toddler and can't remember him and the eldest refuses to see him (not biologically his).

Do I stay hidden here, or do I ring them and give them my contact details in case he decides he can be arsed to see them?

We would be picking a contact centre near to us which is an hour and a half from where ex lives - he will be absolutely fuming and probably wouldn't turn up anyway! I don't think he has a car even as it was repossessed.

Thanks for reading!!

Thank you name change. Do you mean ring women's aid? I never seem to be able to get through

Op this is hideous. I really feel
For you but you have to take a step back. I'm also not on Facebook because it does my head I imagine you are similar. People inform me of exh Facebook activity - I wish they wouldn't!

Don't give anyone your address and inform school and nursery not to either. Official channels only

Ginger hardly any of my friends are friends with him. The ones that could post, really want to, but I said not to. I don't want the police to see it as a tit for tat situation and refuse to help

Thank you Queen. I didn't want to know any of this either! Although at least I have something else to report about him now. I will report EVERYTHING he does now. He knows I wouldn't have dared do that before but I am far less scared of him now

Ah thank you Lavender. And sorry you had to go through it too. It's shit that he can use the kids like this.

Good point Angel re anything threatening just tell the police, not me. I shall be telling them to do that. Hope they listen...

Sometimes friends think they’re being helpful, but are seriously misguided. I don’t know what they thought they were doing telling you that hundreds of strangers are calling you evil, how does that help you? Hopefully they will stop telling you about it. If they want to do something to help you, they can just keep reporting the post to get them taken down, but do it without updating you about it.

What a controlling piece of work he is.

I hope the police have some advice for you.

As for the new address - limit who you share it with. Personally i would definatley set up a years redirection of mail.

This would give you back some control. You will know for sure if the contact centre has been in touch or not. He will play all kinds of games and by the sound of it isn't going to disappear quietly. If you get mail redirected any bullshit he pipes up with in future about contact etc you will know if it real or lies. The redirection is more about knowledge and control for you. If you do get a letter about contact then you have time to deal with it how you choose eye rather then being in the back foot. Also, I'm not sure how authorities will look upon you just disappearing and never responding to anything in the future. At least if you are in the know (getting correspondence) you can say this and deal with issues.properly too.

In these early days, I think your friends should let you know about what stuff he's posting; forewarned is forearmed and all that.
But, as every day passes, you will give less of a shit. And it may come to a point where you no longer want the updates. But as you mentioned earlier, make sure you do report everything.

Don't worry what strangers are saying, though, they only have one side of a story, and even that side isn't the truth.

He is losing that control of you.

Good luck to you and your family for the future. You deserve to be happy

Angel I do agree with that. I hate "updates" which is why I don't have any social media. I have told friends to stop updating me now though and if they see anything threatening etc to screen shot, report to the police and report to Facebook. I'd rather not know. If he finds me here, well, we live in a tiny village so the only reason he is going to pop up is to find/harass us. So I'll ring the police then too.

I'm in two minds about the mail redirection now. Hmm.

Just thought - there's no point doing mail redirection is there? Unless I'm missing something?

If he applies to the contact centre now, he isn't going to put my old address on is he?!

First thing Monday morning, ask to see your children’s headteacher. Say that it is about safeguarding. Wait until he/she is available.

Explain the situation to him/her and make it clear that no one else is to collect from school. Ask to see your child’s class teacher that afternoon.

I am an ex-teacher and had parents speak to me about similar matters many times - you should be met with nothing but support.

Thanks Maybe. When I applied to the school I wrote on the forms that there was a bit of a situation with children's father. They said to keep them updated if anything happened so that's a good idea, I'll do that in the morning, thank you

What a piece of shit he is. He is obviously loving the attention being generated by his Facebook campaign even though he's a crap dad who failed at every opportunity to prove otherwise.

I agree with others that you should go to police regards facebook harassment.

By virtue of that action the police know where you are.

If twuntface puts his money where his mouth is and gets a court order.... the police know where you are.

Ignore FB updates. Make your focus all about your beautiful kids, humour lovely DP, and the beautiful home you are in.

I'm rooting for you xxxx

Ps don't worry about your kids one day resenting your decision to hide. The truth always comes out. I had a crap dad and I was surprisingly young when I worked out that he was the fucknugget and my mum had been the constant loving and wonderful force in my life. Concentrate on doing what you do well. The kids will work it out.

give - you're right, he will be loving this. The only part of parenting he enjoyed while we were together was the adoration he got when he announced our baby had been born and we'd go out and about and all these people he knew would come over and praise him. Then behind closed doors he sat in his chair and shouted at us all!

Don't worry, as soon as the photo of me went up I contacted the police. That was one step too far. They're coming round this afternoon but I don't want them to just roll their eyes and say "don't go on Facebook then"!

What happens then if he goes to a solicitor but doesn't know my address? Does the solicitor act as a detective then?

Ahh thank you. I hope they do understand when they're older. We're just looking at old photo albums and saw a picture of him and the 5yo said "I like daddy" and went a bit quiet. She seems ok now though! God this is crap

As others have said, just set up the post office forwarding system. You do it for a year at a time and it is quick and easy to do.
Then you can stop worrying about it.

No solicitor is going to bother hunting you down in the circumstances. If they did anything, they send a letter to your last known address, but as he knows you’re not there, it wouldn’t be deemed properly served anyway. It would be different if he went to court and got an order, then some work might be done to find you, but he’s not going to shell out for legal fees because he doesn’t actually want to see them. What he wants to do is harass and upset you and he can do that for free on the internet and get an ego boost thrown in (“you’re a great dad” says stranded x who knows nothing).

*stranger, not stranded!!

I actually wouldn’t set up a redirect if you don’t want to, it might muddy the waters about whether you have been served. The police know where you are.

This is horrendous.
Do you feel you will have to change school?

I hope the police can get him to stop slandering/libeling you online and to everyone he can get to. It's threatening, intimidating and harassing behaviour, and it's all based on lies.

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. I would definitely fight hard to keep him from getting your new address and hope he gives up once he realizes his behaviour is getting him what he wants: your fear and kowtowing.

Don't give them your address. You can ask them to send you the information by email. Usually it's all saved in files on their computers anyway.
I would also talk to a solicitor to protect yourself and children from him.

Angel I wondered who stranded X was then! Ha. So glad I posted here, it has made me think so much more clearly. I was the one who suggested a contact centre in the first place! I also rang the contact centre and told them we were moving and asked what would happen then? And they gave me the name of another contact centre I can use (which he will be fucking fuming about. This one is 90 minutes from him, as opposed to round the corner!)

Good to know that a solicitor wouldn't hound me though. Well, fingers crossed.

The police certainly do know where I am - they will be round this afternoon (and are more than welcome to check the children's welfare!). I've got nothing to hide.

I have moved their schools (to the place we now live in) and they love it. I love it too because the parents/staff aren't my ex's friends and family like at the old school. I will do everything I can to keep them there - and keep them safe.

Bewareofdragons apparently libel is a civil offence but I really hope the police can do something. If you have lost contact with your children through no fault of your own there are ways around it and slandering their mother on Facebook is not it.

Very good point about the fear thing though - he knows that is the ONLY advantage he has over me right now so I am working hard to take that away from him. He knows the truth, and he knows why social services won't help him, so he has to scare me into getting what he wants, just like he has always done. It stops today.