I really don't want to give the contact centre my new address etc :(

[BeautifulLiar]

I've posted under previous names before about my abusive ex husband. I didn't see he was abusive at the time, but after he left me with four children including a newborn in 2016, I had some counselling from Women's Aid and can absolutely see how abusive he was! Some things he did:

Hit the children
Humiliated me/the children
Forced me into sex numerous times
Strangled me
Hit me
Pushed me
Pinned me down and suffocated me with a pillow
Went out with friends and didn't come home until the next day
Took my car while I was asleep (and pregnant) and wrote it off - he was pissed. I'm still paying the fucking premiums for this!
Took cocaine and god knows what else
Was sarcastic, nasty and constantly worked away leaving me with all the "wifework" and there is probably a hell of a lot more!

Anyway, he desperately wanted a fourth baby, I got pregnant, he treated me like crap while I was pregnant, then left me when the baby was born.

After he left, I think he expected me to beg him to come home, but I didn't, once. I was absolutely broken of course but I forced myself to get on with things.

He wouldn't stick to any kind of consistent access, so I muddled along with four children and no money, but eventually I came through the other side.

I've had an amazing DP for 14 months and the children are much happier.

Needless to stay I was punished for moving on. He hasn't paid maintenance since March last year, he neglected the children when they were in his care to the point that social services got involved and said he must be supervised. I agreed for his parents to supervise even though they had also verbally abused me in front of the children, but they let him take them unsupervised etc, so it had to stop.

The only times ex H has seen the children "recently" is for a few hours once in March, then the same in June.

He and his friends spotted me walking the children home from school back in October and they followed me, he got out and was all over the children; they were very confused and I was terrified! He made some noises about using a contact centre and I meekly said ok, we'll do that.

Fast forward to now. DP and I have bought a house together in a new area - ok, so it's only 45 minutes away - but the fresh start is amazing. New school, new nursery, not surrounded by my ex's friends/family every day. We're in a lovely house in a lovely village and I barely have to think about him any more.

I still have a tenancy at my old house (until end of January) and went there a couple of weeks ago but there's still no application from the contact centre.

I have a new number and a new phone so technically now if he DOES apply to the contact centre, they won't be able to send me the forms anyway.

Of course he always has the option of going to court but I can't see him having the motivation and certainly not the money.

The children hardly mention him - one is a toddler and can't remember him and the eldest refuses to see him (not biologically his).

Do I stay hidden here, or do I ring them and give them my contact details in case he decides he can be arsed to see them?

We would be picking a contact centre near to us which is an hour and a half from where ex lives - he will be absolutely fuming and probably wouldn't turn up anyway! I don't think he has a car even as it was repossessed.

Thanks for reading!!

The SS said he needed to use contact centre, they didn't say it was your job to set it up, He hasn't contacted them, there is no need for them to know you at all, & even less that you have moved.When/if he discovers you have moved, there are ways of him contacting you,
Not least get the SS to send CC forms to you.
You do nothing, drop off the radar, not your problem

But, did the people who bought your house have your forwarding address ?

Mix that's a good point re social services sending forms to me. I guess that could work? I'm only hiding from HIM, not the "system".

I rented my old house so had to give the estate agent my forwarding address but they know the situation and are under strict instructions not to give out my address!

Also, another update:

The police came round on Sunday as arranged. The officer was lovely. He said they'll go and have words with the sister (not sure if they spoke to exH?).

Well, within hours the Facebook post had gone!! I'm amazed. I've got a voicemail from the police and have phoned back but he's not on shift at the minute so I might not hear anything until tonight. So that's brilliant.

I guess now... Now I have to wait and see if if he puts his money where his mouth is. I'm trying to see the positives and think up things I can do while the girls are in the contact centre with him. Although every time I see the positives in him seeing them, and make plans for myself, he doesn't bother seeing them anyway!

So glad the police were lovely and took it seriously. Make sure you report any further harassment.
I don’t think you need to worry about him contacting the contact centre really or at least making it a constant and ongoing reliable arrangement. From his past behaviour id assume he won’t do much to do with the girls at all!

What a horrible man. How scary to have had that fb campaign happening with them trying to recruit innocent people to help them find you by lying through their teeth. Ugh. Disgusting.

And that’s why people should use their heads and not send on non-police led searches. You may be helping an violent abuser.

I found when I moved and stbxh didn’t know our address, I felt so free. I hadn’t even realised that I’d felt the weight I did in some ways, until it was lifted. We’re only a few hundred meters away. DS goes to the school that stbxh knows I wanted him to go to. The school knows to delay and contact me if he ever turned up there though.

It’s enough space to make sure that he would have to expend effort to get to us. And he’s lazy. One for whining in pubs and to sympathetic people how I ‘stop him from seeing his son’ etc etc.

The reality is, I said I would stop him if he couldn’t behave in an appropriate manner to DS, and me.

And he chose not to test me on that. Because for once in my life I bloody meant it. And he sensed that he’d reached the end of the line... finally (!).

So, no more neglect, no more casual cruelty, just, no more. And no more abuse of me in front of DS, I saw the damage in DS’s eyes, even if twat-face didn’t. And I’d found a contact centre very close and I explained that if he couldn’t keep to arrangements because he was confusing contact with DS with hurting / points scoring against me, then I was happy to take myself out of the equation, and suggested we use a contact centre. I hoped he’d not mess around if it was public, because he (like yours...), loved the attention of being a father.

But, he chose not to. When push came to shove, he couldn’t be arsed to see his only child. His beautiful, sweet, loving and well behaved child. Fucker.

Don’t let him take your happiness away from you. Or your peace of mind.

Well thank you for sharing that. I know exactly how you feel - it IS a weight off my shoulders knowing I'm in my own, new house now. He wouldn't come off the tenancy at the old one so there was always that worry and I was always getting phone calls/post for him demanding he paid up his various debts! Your child sounds amazing (which is all down to you!) and your ex is missing out. You never know, one day he may find his conscience and regret all this...

I like to be prepared

Knowing what people do after reading this thread, would anyone be able to help me draft a solicitor's letter? Just so I can be prepared if I do get one. I looked again at the process for applying for a contact centre and it says that if you don't know the resident parent's address, you'll be signposted to a solicitor. I suppose they might listen to his lies and then suggest he applies for a "seek and find" order?

But anyway, this letter... I thought of opening it with something along the lines of:

Thank you for your letter of (date).

As I confirmed to your client via text message on 10.10.17, I am happy for contact to take place in a contact centre.

Your client has already been investigated by social services who concluded that he must be supervised with the children. Moreover, your client has not seen the client for (enter amount) months. I am very concerned about the children's welfare when they are with your client as they are still very young and the youngest, in particular, does not currently have a relationship with him.

I am happy for contact to take place in (name of contact centre) every four weeks on a Saturday, between 10 and 12.

Anything else?!

Has not seen the children*, oops!

Let him chase.
If he gets contact (which he has sadly been told he can have at CC)
he will get the DC to tell him your address anyway, he can offer to come to school play/sports day whatever. there are many ways.
I wouldn't act yet, if you send a letter to his solicitor, they will then contact him & jog his memory.
Its like hitting a wasp nest with a stick.

Thanks Redehlia

For some reason my anxiety about the whole thing is back again. I don't feel strong at all. I'm having nightmares about him.

Just got up (at 6am!) to reread the solicitor's report AGAIN. It's obviously not the worst in the world and after accepting things at first he then denied all the allegations the DC had made.

The report is dated November 2016 - would a court tell me to get over it, or would they take it seriously given that nothing has changed? Well, one thing has changed - he's seen them even less!

Reading it through brings back memories.

Him having the DC. Not taking them out, letting them fall asleep anywhere for hours, letting them sleep in his bed then going crazy when one of them wet the bed (she still does it now), feeding them crap, not getting up until 11-12 the next day, coming downstairs to find them pouring water into bowls (thirsty?) and again going crazy at them, no doubt emotional abuse - once they came back and said "Why do you still wear your wedding ring?! Daddy doesn't." They'd NEVER noticed our rings before...

Then I remember when I agreed to his mum supervising contact (at her home, because he refused for it to be at his home, this ending any overnight contact and yet again leaving me with the brunt of the childcare). The kids had a better time then, I trusted that they'd be safe, and she did look after them better than he could, especially the baby.

But then she went behind my back and let him take them out, I asked her about it and she said "you can't expect them to stay in all day, that's so unfair" (funnily enough there exactly how he parented them while we were together - he hated family days out!).

I couldn't trust her after that, but she got too poorly to do it anyway and then stopped being able to drive, then SHE moved away before I did (only 25 minutes, but obviously she can't drive).

I know you'll all day I need to stop worrying about this but I'm tying myself up in knots, waiting for the solicitor's letter full of lies to arrive!

I think I've missed something, why do you think a solicitors letter is arriving?

Op- do you not have a non- molestation order? I am quite concerned about if he finds out where you live. The police have much stronger powers if you have a non-mol. I’m glad the local police are aware now, mine have been really helpful

I don't know? Because everyone on Facebook told him to and he has to save face? Because he might still be pissed off I've escaped?! It could just be me being paranoid?

Never nope. When he followed me back in October, the policewoman was lovely and strongly recommended a non molestation order. I rang my divorce solicitor and to be honest she was very shitty about it ("You can't just GET one you know. You need a lot of evidence.")

Also upon researching it was going to cost around £2500 to be effective for six months so in the end I just used that money towards the house deposit...

Plus I'd have to appear in court WITH him. I really wouldn't dare!

I agree with wills. If there is no existing relationship with the contact centre there's no need to tell them where you are! If it was already all in motion then, yes, I'd say you have an obligation. But without that why on earth would you give an organisation with whom you have no involvement your contact details? You're over thinking - as everyone else has said: move on and enjoy your new life!!

Ah I see, sorry I thought I had missed a post where he defo was sending you one.

Would it be worth going to your GP about your anxiety? You've been through a horrendous experience, which will undoubtably have had a big impact on your mental health.

Mcdog I did end up taking medication for anxiety a few weeks after he left because of the stress he put me through (wish I'd got a non mol out then - but it took me months to accept he was abusive!). I've stopped taking them now though I'm usually ok (unless something happens or changes) and I'd have to pay for the prescriptions now

Oops - just seen updates. What a tosser!

Have to agree with the complete tosser comment, I don't think he'll ever spend the £££ to see the DC he'd rather have the attention of playing victim at you "running away"!

I bet he fucking loved playing victim. For nearly two years he's been the twat who walked out on his four children including a newborn baby. Now he's managed to turn it around! It's frustrating but I know the truth

There seems to be a very similar thread to this running on legal matters - but from his side. Apologies if this is the wrong guy but wanted to warn you in case you wanted to get this thread deleted.
the other thread

Agree with regular it definitely seemed to match to being him