I really want to leave my wife but I can't

[LMC84]

New poster here, please be gentle.

Where to start ? I want to leave my wife (I am a woman also) we have been together two years married 5 months.
I moved like an hour and half's drive from my family and friends (my hometown) to move in and be with her.
She didn't want to move to me. She had a better job.
I upped my kids and came here.
I left my council house give it up and we now privately rent.
She proposed and a year to the date we married. Romantic
It wasn't easy it saving up but we did it
We lived hand to mouth really so we didn't get in debt
It was the best day of my life I loved it.
Followed by a week away with our children.

My kids settled really well. Love the new school. Love my Dw family as do I.
They have a great life here with clubs and friends etc
It's me that's struggling.

I suffer with depression and bpd this can make things a little difficult at times.

My wife has a temper and she would raise her voice at me
Slowly it became more she would throw things smash things
She calls me names, a few times she pushed me about and on Tuesday night laid in bed she grabbed my face and like squeezed it together telling me she hated me when we had a row.
The following night she did the same thing in the kitchen but much harder if that makes sense she marked my face.

This row was because we were planning to move back to my hometown but the house fell through and I got really upset about it and it caused a row. In this row she stated she was planning on getting me to my home town n not actually coming with me just leaving me there( knowing fine well I'd get kick out of said house coz I can't afford the rent alone)
She also sent she was leaving me and another woman had wanted to take her out so she was basically saying she was leaving me for another woman right?

Anyways come the next day
She's not leaving me and she's sorry she so sorry
She's doing everything she can to please me

Oh she also screaming at one point to my kids how bad a mam I am etc
My kids love her to bits but I know they r scared of her

And if I'm honest when she's mad or angry so am I

I want to leave but here's my dilemma
I don't have anywhere to go
I can't rent a house as I don't work
I can't go back to council either I didn't pay outstanding balance
I can't move in with any family
I can't drive how would I get my stuff home
I don't have any money

So my question is
How can I make life my bearable?
Try not to argue n anger her obviously
But I feel so isolated too
Haven't seen her family seen August
N only time I can go out the house is if she takes me

Barring the two second walk to school

I shelter my kids from most but I know they see n hear it n it kills me but I don't know what to do

I haven't told anyone

Oh you poor thing, you sound so sad

This is an abusive relationship. Your wife is hurting you. I really think you need to leave - I do understand that it isn't simple, and you feel trapped and have nowhere to go, but leaving has got to be the goal imo.

Are you sure you can't go to family, just in the short term? Or maybe Women's Aid could help you?

I hope other posters with more practical advice will be along soon (MN is slow at night, so bump this thread in the morning)

Sending you a virtual hug and hand-hold

Thank you lovely
So nice to read before I go to sleep
I'm not sure how to bump it lol

What can women's aid offer me other than advice they can put a roof over my head can they? I don't know

100% not go to family

They will support me but not house me

Women's Aid can help you get a place in a refuge, but I haven't had direct experience so I don't know what the criteria are etc - but they are brilliant for advice and might be a good place to start.

You can bump your thread to the top of Active Conversations just by posting on it (a full stop will do)

I hope you manage to get some good sleep xx

You could try the council. You would have to pay what is owed, I’m sure, but perhaps it can be paid monthly or something. They are a business. and not there to tick people off for past mistakes( I would hope). And the CAB citizens advice can give advice on finances.

Thank you 😊

Yes to womens aid or yourlocal council.

She is abusive. My ex did and said similar things. When she finally told me ‘I don’t love you anymore’ to get a reaction from me I walked upstairs, packed a bag and left. I was too scared to tell her i wanted to end it before that. So I understand your situation to some extent - the threats, the blowing hot and cold, the violence on occasions.

Of course I know it’s not as easy for you as packing a bag, as I didn’t have children, but pleasestart to quietly make plans to disentangle yourself from her- starting to collect essential items eg identification and prescriptions for when you do walk away with your children.

It’s difficult but will be the best thing you ever do. For yourself and your children.

I’m so sorry. Please get out however you can. Women’s aid can help. And I would also speak to the council. You and your kids cannot live like this.

Daily ~ what is the blowing hot and cold thing about ? It confuses me so much

Yes I am trying to start to make arrangements but I have to be very careful

Blowing hot and cold, like the rest of it, is about control. You never know where you stand so you have to keep alert. She meanwhile has total control over the situation. It's not your fault. She's an abuser.

I hope WA can help.

The thing she says to me all the time is that her life would be better off without me
Coz all she does is work to look after me and put a roof over my kids head

My dd only just started full time school so only just available to work

I don't understand why she says these things

Why she calls me a fat lazy c@&t but less than 24 hours later wants sex with me

Says I'm the most beautiful girl in the world etc

Do you think she knows she is doing it?
Does she mean to do it me ?

Abusers know exactly what they're doing. Echoing what folks have said here about Women's Aid and contacting the council with a view to paying your outstanding balance. You can't go on like this, especially with your kids about. Keep an incident diary regarding the things she's been doing to you physically, if she does it again, please call 999.

She is being abusive and manipulating. Almost like a Jekyll and Hyde character. It is not a healthy relationship for you or you kids to be in, especially if they are scared of her!

Women’s aid will be able to advise on the housing situation and how to get safe. Please do speak to them.

It is about control and they know (abusive partners) that they are doing it. As someone said above - it’s about control.

It will only get worse the longer you stay

Oh my god. You poor thing. You sound so sad and just want to give you a hug. Second everything people have already said. She's trying to control and manipulate with all her actions. My exH was similar but nowhere near this bad.

Get your ducks in a row and get out of there. It's never OK to abuse someone, either emotional or physical and you're getting both. Protect yourself and your kids and escape when you can. Sorry I can't offer more practical advice, I've always been fortunate to be in a good job. Hoping other posters have more experience of the help available for you.

Can't give you any further advice, but historically I have been there. It drives you mad. You can get out I promise. You can do this.

If you have a Victim Support office local to you, give them a call on Monday and make an appointment as they should be able to signpost you to domestic violence and LGBTQ support agencies in your area, as well as Women’s Aid. Good luck getting out.

I had to go through women's aid and get rehoused. It will mean moving areas though but they facilitate you to just up and leave, just take with you important paperwork. Money/ benefits they will help with and possessions can be replaced once you and your babies are safe

What would you do if she died and there was nothing like life insurance? Would you be on the streets?

Youd survive and so would your children. Go to your local CAB... your children should not be in this environment.

Some local authorities have a domestic abuse housing officer...you could also seek advice from the domestic violence police officer. They'll be able to signpost and advise you.

You have children who are witnessing or indirectly being impacted.. so you would be more of a priority.

Please seek help via these channels asap.

When she's at work on Monday I will ring WA for advice
I have to b careful tho
If she finds out she will go crazy at me
X

All I do is focus on what she has done wrong
Never what she does right

This is her new one today

I feel empty

If you use your mobile phone..delete the call record afterwards.

Delete your browsing history as well.

See if there is a women's support centre you can visit in your area.

Stay strong mate

she will make you feel as though you are overreacting/in the wrong/the one with the problem

this is part of the abusive behaviour pattern and you need to hold onto what you KNOW is the truth - she shouldn't be treating you like this and you deserve better

keep posting here so we can help you keep your perspective

I'm rooting for you xx

Also worth giving Shelter a call - they can give you advice for free about your housing rights

Thank you everyone
Your all so lovely and supportive x