I really want to leave my wife but I can't

[LMC84]

New poster here, please be gentle.

Where to start ? I want to leave my wife (I am a woman also) we have been together two years married 5 months.
I moved like an hour and half's drive from my family and friends (my hometown) to move in and be with her.
She didn't want to move to me. She had a better job.
I upped my kids and came here.
I left my council house give it up and we now privately rent.
She proposed and a year to the date we married. Romantic
It wasn't easy it saving up but we did it
We lived hand to mouth really so we didn't get in debt
It was the best day of my life I loved it.
Followed by a week away with our children.

My kids settled really well. Love the new school. Love my Dw family as do I.
They have a great life here with clubs and friends etc
It's me that's struggling.

I suffer with depression and bpd this can make things a little difficult at times.

My wife has a temper and she would raise her voice at me
Slowly it became more she would throw things smash things
She calls me names, a few times she pushed me about and on Tuesday night laid in bed she grabbed my face and like squeezed it together telling me she hated me when we had a row.
The following night she did the same thing in the kitchen but much harder if that makes sense she marked my face.

This row was because we were planning to move back to my hometown but the house fell through and I got really upset about it and it caused a row. In this row she stated she was planning on getting me to my home town n not actually coming with me just leaving me there( knowing fine well I'd get kick out of said house coz I can't afford the rent alone)
She also sent she was leaving me and another woman had wanted to take her out so she was basically saying she was leaving me for another woman right?

Anyways come the next day
She's not leaving me and she's sorry she so sorry
She's doing everything she can to please me

Oh she also screaming at one point to my kids how bad a mam I am etc
My kids love her to bits but I know they r scared of her

And if I'm honest when she's mad or angry so am I

I want to leave but here's my dilemma
I don't have anywhere to go
I can't rent a house as I don't work
I can't go back to council either I didn't pay outstanding balance
I can't move in with any family
I can't drive how would I get my stuff home
I don't have any money

So my question is
How can I make life my bearable?
Try not to argue n anger her obviously
But I feel so isolated too
Haven't seen her family seen August
N only time I can go out the house is if she takes me

Barring the two second walk to school

I shelter my kids from most but I know they see n hear it n it kills me but I don't know what to do

I haven't told anyone

She's currently leaving me because I'm been unreasonable
I've been hurting emotionally about the abuse too long
N enough is enough now
No one else would put up with it

I'm fucking with her head apparently

Lots of women have put up with this before but get out when it all becomes too much, quite often when we realise the upset caused to children. Don't beat yourself up, you are already making good progress by deciding you want to leave and calling womens aid.

You can email if calling is tricky but again delete sent emails [email protected]
If you are unable to call you can also receive support from the Helpline workers via email. We will respond to your email within 5 working days

She's on one again n I'm so scared 😟

I'm just laid in bed staying still n quiet while she flys off the handle
N hoping she doesn't lash out n it's just name calling tonight

If she lays a finger on you, call the police. They can get her removed.

You dont have to put up with this. You can claim help with the rent and tax credits etc to give you some breathing space while you sort out whether to stay or move back home.

Are you sure your family wouldnt have you even just for a couple of weeks?

I can't do that to my family
I can't tell them about this
I have to figure it out alone
If I phone police social services work come n I'm afraid

Why can't you tell your family?

Could you just tell your family that things aren't working out, without giving them all the details?

I can't do that to my family
I can't tell them about this
I have to figure it out alone

Why? Dont make the mistake I did of staying in an abusive relationship becuase my family were against it and I didnt want to go back with my tail between my legs because everything they warned me about came true. Dont stay because they judged you leaving and you dont want "I told you so". My family just wanted me safe, they were so relieved when I went back. If they love then they will help you, and you owe it to your kids to do this even if you dont want to do it for yourself. Dont kid yourself that the DC dont know what is happening, they will be lying in their beds listening to it, frightened and confused. Arent they worth swallowing your pride for?

If I phone police social services work come n I'm afraid

Afraid of what? They dont take children away from good parents who are escaping abuse.

Is the truth that you dont want to leave because you are harbouring the hope that she will change and that she means her promises and apologies the day after an attack? Because she wont change. Believe me she wont.

If you cant do this for you.

Do this for your children

You said your kids are scared of her!
Thats enough!!

Get out please

Social Services can be the gateway to help for you. Call the police if she is violent.

And do get in touch with Women's Aid. It's just the same as if it was a man.

I'm so ashamed to admit it but yeah I am hoping that her sorrys and her promises r true n we can fix things
It use to b good

I really do love her I don't want to loose her

I'm also petrified of everything that will happen if I leave her

Before I do I need to make sure I have enough money under my belt

I really do love her I don't want to loose her

The her that you love doesnt exist though does it? She never existed.

The woman that you fell in love with was for show, it was to drag you in. As with all abusers, once you were tied to her she showed her true colours.

The screaming, shouting and abuse is the real her and that cannot be fixed. You have to decide what means more to you, life with a woman who abuses you and frightens your children or their happiness and security.

What did Womens Aid say when you called on Monday?
Please call them.
And contact Shelter regarding housing.
Contact CAB regarding benefits and what you are entitled to.
Then take it from there.

If you tell her that your children are scared of her and so are you, how will she react?
Are you afraid to say anything?
If so, that shows you know that the abusive behaviour is the real her.

Oh op hand hold here and I'm rooting for you also. You absolutely can do this!

Do you have friends you can talk to?

How long until you have enough money under your belt?

Just to add op I stayed in an abusive marriage for 12 years, my God it was awful. She will never change.

One of my assaults was in the paper and I was the topic of conversation on a BBC radio show. I never thought I'd get away, no money etc but three years later my children and I are flying x

I'm finding it really hard to believe that she's "abusing" me

Last night/today for example
She told me she'd had enough of me and my ways (referring to me not working & not doing enough housework, while she's at work) I was taking her for a mug all she did was work to put a roof over my head and my kids.
I was mad & I pointed out that actually I receive more money in benefits and child maintenance than she brings home in wages
So it was me who brought the most money into the house.

This was a huge mistake.
She went crazy. I'm a lazy fat cunt that doesn't do anything - she's had it.
She blocked me on Facebook (this is a new thing) and told me she's told everyone everything about how I'm a lazy cunt and a bad parent etc

(She hadn't as I checked on an old business fb account she had blocked me and wrote nothing) why lie?

And literally went off on it until she finally fell asleep about 3am.
As soon as she woke up, I was pretending to sleep. She went crazy again
Woke all the kids up only my kids didn't get out of bed til she left coz they were probably scared stiff

She demanded money off me and took all my money said she wasn't coming home smashed about told me how much she hated me etc and left for work
She's rang me three time on her lunch break and messaged me to ask what I've wrote on Facebook?

I've wrote nothing on Facebook
I never answered because I was asleep
I'd falling asleep after not sleeping at all last night

My dd said to me this morning
I miss (name) I said she's only at work
Dd said she's not coming back I heard her and she's taken all the money
This is how I know she was awake

My oldest son got up while she was here to wee and middle son asked me if I was ok and if I wanted his piggy jar

So I know my kids hear

I could have the money by end of February
To leave maybe

I don't have anyone I can talk to other than MN

I just wonder if maybe it is me aswell like she say- I make her this way. She was never like this before apparently
She's never done this before
I'm so tempted to contact her ex and find out why they really split up

She's adamant she's not coming home so maybe I don't have to leave as she is

She finishes work at like 7:30

This is my head fuck if she's abusing me then why would she leave
Maybe it is just me like she said

I'm so stressed

It is NOT you.
She's vile.
She's abusive
She's a cunt
Why did you give her your money?
That's theft and you can report it to the police.
Please leave.
Your poor DC should not be subject to this.
You should be protecting them.

Has she she come back? She will. Take care. It might be better if you forget about going slowly and work out an emergency plan. Just cos she's a woman doesn't mean she won't hurt you all. She sounds completely out of control.

She's not due back til 7-7.30 ish
She says she isn't coming home
I'm tempted to blocked her number & not answer the door
She's no key

She hasn't come home