Don’t know if this is normal in marriage

[Realitea]

Married for 8 years. Two dc’s. Dh started his own business last year and is totally consumed by it. He’s never around to help. If he is around his mind is elsewhere and he’s stressed. A client of mine knocked on the door the other day while he was working from home and he screamed ‘oh for gods sake’! It’s like he’s losing it.
I’m left to do all the home/child stuff but with no car or money.
This business makes next to nothing. He pays the bills and for food but expects me to contribute much more than I can afford to as I only work a few hours a week. He works from 9-9 most days and we live in the middle of nowhere so how can I work around that?
My inheritance ended up going on food and basic living costs while he saved for a better car. He pays into savings every month (£200) yet when I say we need money for food he gets stressed and says use up what we have already. We do have a joint account but there’s never any money in it. He expects us to get by on working tax credits which is about £90 a week.
Dd’s birthday was recent and he bought one present. It got nearer and nearer the time and in the end I thought I’m going to have to do something here and ordered more on my credit card.
I also found on his laptop that he’d been looking elsewhere for sex. We went to counselling and it came out that he didn’t find me attractive anymore and found when we did have sex it was boring. I made a massive effort since then with my appearance and made sure we had sex more often but then I noticed something. He was never coming on to me. I left it a while and he hasn’t made the effort since. I think it was a rubbish excuse he used in counselling. He was just acting selfishly and the simple answer is he’s just too lazy and selfish for a real life relationship. He wants a glamorous girl on his arm to prove his status. A girl who will ask nothing from him.
I just don’t know what to do next. I find it so hard to talk to him. He usually has lots of quick comebacks and defends his point so well that I’m left feeling like I was silly for feeling this way. Is this gaslighting?
If I left I would have to go on benefits and definitely move away as there’s nothing here. I’d have to lose the few business contacts I have for my work. I have money to rent elsewhere but I don’t know how I’d get by apart from that. I’ve been pushing this aside for so long thinking ‘just get on with it, you’ve got a lovely home and family’ but this creeps back and today after weeks of being ill and stress it’s all surfacing.

Oh no. Not normal at all. He sounds absolutely awful.

No, this isn't normal

The lack of money is not unusual in a new business, but taking out the stress of that on you (rather than working through the problem as a partnership) is not acceptable

And looking elsewhere for sex....well, that's a form of cheating, and something that you need to decide if you can forgive and forget or use as the impetus to up and leave him

I was completely shocked at the first part of your thread and when you mentioned him looking elsewhere my immediate reaction was, "Oh no. Get rid of this man."

Honestly, he is dragging you down and adding absolutely nothing to your life. He's using your money, trying to cheat, never there, belittles you... It's as though he's playing Loser Bingo.

Can you imagine a life without him?

It certainly is not normal, but you probably know that.
The question really isn’t ‘Is this normal?’ But rather ‘Is this sustainable?’ Even if you were actually happy with this, how long could it go on before you run out of money? If you keep living like this, will you not end up spending all the money that currently provides you with the option to leave? What happens then?
I think it’s time to see a solicitor to find out what lies ahead, how to protect any money you might have and how to secure support for your children going forward.

I think I’d feel more in control without him. And a lot more relaxed. I wouldn’t have to worry ‘do I look good enough today’ or ‘if I ask him to take me somewhere in the car is he going to bite my head off because he’s too busy’ or ‘has he had enough sex because he might start going online again’
And then ‘he has but remember he said it was boring before. Oh god i still haven’t got it right!’
I would feel I could be myself without having to answer to anyone.
I’d also feel lonely and I don’t know how I’d survive financially as he does pay the bills.

Oh honey. No. This sounds miserable.

Honestly, you will be so much happier without him dragging you down and putting you down.

He would let his wife and child use up an inheritance for food because he's saving up for a new car? What a selfish fucking twat.

Please make plans to leave. Could your family help? It sounds like you're basically surviving on benefits anyway. Leave with your head held high and good luck.

It sounds like you need to sit down and make a proper plan.

Investigate possible locations and costs of living.

Start looking for a job.

Start investigating what you’d entitled to through child suppport, etc.

Contact CAB and Shelter.
See what they say about housing and benefits.
You may surprisingly find that you are actually better off away from him.
Investigate and get that info then you can make an informed decision.

You poor thing.

That's no marriage and no life.

So no, it is most definitely not normal. He is manipulating you and it would seem to me that his relationship towards you has become parasitic in nature. It would also seem that he has failed to take responsibility for the way that he has contributed to the situation. I would suggest you do some reading on antisocial personality disorders. I am not saying that he has one but a lot of it may sound d familiar to you and you may be able to find good advice from sources about dealing with partners with antisocial PD. Which will at very least help you deal with some of the sone ific problens that you have mentioned above. Sounds like a horrible person to live with. I wish you luck.

It sounds like he's seriously stressed and that's not healthy. It could explain the not able to cum thing and also why he's acting out if character (assuming he wasn't like this when you first met him?)

Would he consider quitting the business? What is the point in working 12 hour days, never seeing family and getting a stressed if it's not even making enough to be comfortable?!

Definitely time for a sit down and tell him how serious this is and how youre feeling. If he doesn't listen then time for action

Agree with above PPs.
Leave him.
You'll be better off emotionally and things will likely improve financially-use benefits as a short-term stepping stone to a better life and future employment prospects.
Google Gingerbread (single parent charity) and Citizen's Advice.

I’ve tried having the talk. It wasn’t confrontational and I said to him how I was feeling and that’s when he got defensive and started turning it around on me again. He said ‘I’m doing pretty well thank you very much’ when I said his business isn’t making enough to justify the impact it’s having on us and the non existent money it’s making. I thought well, he may be but no one else is. And he can’t see it. He’s out for himself. He’s got all this money saved while mine is all gone (apart from £2k which is locked away safely) AND I’m still using a credit card to get presents and essentials when he says there’s no money left. He knows if he says no then I’ll do that and he’s taking advantage.
Another problem is that I have already booked a family holiday for August and the dc’s are looking forward to it so much. It’s all they’re talking about at the moment.
I wouldn’t be able to go without him because I have no spending money or any way of getting to the airport etc without him.
What a waste. When I said to him I had no money left and we’d probably need a hire car for the holiday he also said I’d better get saving. Saving with what?!
I’m starting to think the holiday is a small sacrifice for a lifetime of freedom but the children will be gutted.
I’m going to start looking around at rent prices and jobs.
I think in summary I just feel used.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this at all?. His business is failing if not already failed and he is manipulative of both you and the DC to boot. You are suffering at his hands.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, that a loveless marriage is their norm too?.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone.

How is it also that you have ended up living where you are which sounds really isolated; was that his idea as well?.

No, that's not normal. The whole looking for sex elsewhere and just wanting some eye candy on his arm instead of a real relationship with a companion who is an equal part aside, that's not a normal way to manage starting up a business and unrealistic of the pressures it puts on the family.

My dh started a business several years ago (I've also been self-employed myself, though only intentionally for brief periods). He did it to have a better work-life balance and more flexibility, not less. The early days are hard, but they shouldn't be that hard if he has a solid business plan and put time into developing his idea and client base before presumably quitting his previous job. My dh worked full-time at his day job and then evenings and weekends setting up his business for about 4 months before he went full time into self employment. Our dd was 2 months old at the time. He still was up for every night feed helping me change her and settle her and he still did evenings while I get caught up on sleep. He just put her in a wrap to sleep and went back to work on his computer in his office. He was working like 60 hour weeks, but made sure it didn't take away from family life. Even now, he works til 9pm many nights, but he stops at 5pm to do the washing up, help with homework, and do bathtime (I cook dinner, do most of the homework, and do bedtime), and then he goes back to work for the evening. There's no excuse for being absent from family life just because you're starting a business and if he's doing it right with a solid business plan in place, it shouldn't be that hard. It sounds like an excuse to avoid being present in the family and that's an issue and not normal. He sounds controlling and insecure and if you don't think you want to work on it, I would seriously be looking to increase your own work hours so you can get yourself in a position to go elsewhere.

You feel used because you are being used and manipulated. I would also put it to you that he is also being financially abusive. Abusive men as well always but always try and blame others for their own inherent ills.

Do not stay for the sake of a two week holiday in August; you would be better off planning your exit from this marriage now and certainly long before then. He has and continues to put money aside for his own self; you and his children do not at all figure in his plans.

After your second post I saw red.

He’s out for himself. He’s got all this money saved while mine is all gone

Financial abuse on top of everything else... He is not acting like part of a family at all. Get your ducks in a row, do some digging for paperwork and start thinking about legal advice.

Realitea

I would also be contacting both the Rights of Women and Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

Your dh sounds more normal mindutopia. I have been thinking it’s possible he’s doing so much just so he doesn’t have to do so much family stuff. But then he gets upset that he’s not spending time with the children. I’ve said, why not take them to school in the morning then? The chats we have walking to school are lovely. But no, he’s not interested. Then there’s the weekend. At least he had that...but he’s just set up something else which means more investing with his money and more time spent away at the weekend
It’s just so lonely. I feel trapped at home and to make it worse I’m sure he thinks I’m lazy being home all day. If I say I’m tired he looks wearily at me. Despite me doing everything at home he picks faults. This morning he pointed out that I’d left a light on downstairs all night and asked me not to do it again! I felt like a bloody child being told off.

He, like many abusive men, is only interested in their own self and in your case also is feathering his own nest financially.

Your children will pick up on all this between the two of you and its no legacy to be leaving them. This is not what you want to be teaching them about relationships.

Oh in that case OP yes need to find your way out. He sounds selfish and downright disrespectful towards you. You don't deserve that at all

I’ve had a look at the rents around here and they’re huge
Then I started thinking how he’d probably try to take the dc’s with him.He threatened that before and made some claims against me in the past which were totally untrue. Not to anyone in particular but it showed his other side
I can see him turning very nasty with all this.
And what if he takes furniture and other essential items (which he most definitely would)
I looked at local authority housing but you have to bid and it can take forever to get a place.
The rent on our house is pretty cheap compared to everything else. He’d have to go as there’s no way he’d afford it on his own. (We get some housing benefit which he’d lose if I left with the dc’s)
I’m starting to think I’m trapped.

Trapped is the position he wants to keep you in. Please talk to the organisations I suggested earlier i.e. the Rights of Women and Womens Aid. They can and will help you here.

Abusive men often threaten to take the children because they know its the weak spot of the mother. You've stated yourself that he is not interested in his children; he wants to use them simply as punishment to get back at you.

He won't make it very easy for you to leave him and will likely be as obstructive as possible as a means of hanging onto his power and control. That does not mean you should not divorce him however, you need decent legal advice as much as anything else.

I had a look on the women’s aid website nd I’m just a bit concerned, as soon as you say abuse, things get pretty serious. Maybe it’s all a bit of a shock for me and it needs to sink in.
I have no idea how I’m going to act normal tonight when he gets home. I think I’ll have to talk to him about these issues and just say that the only way I’m going to remain sane is if we split up.

And how do I get legal advice for free? A few years ago I called solicitors and they all didn’t want to know once I said I needed legal aid. I was directed to mediation and went to the first meeting on my own. I decided not to take it further that time