Don’t know if this is normal in marriage

[Realitea]

Married for 8 years. Two dc’s. Dh started his own business last year and is totally consumed by it. He’s never around to help. If he is around his mind is elsewhere and he’s stressed. A client of mine knocked on the door the other day while he was working from home and he screamed ‘oh for gods sake’! It’s like he’s losing it.
I’m left to do all the home/child stuff but with no car or money.
This business makes next to nothing. He pays the bills and for food but expects me to contribute much more than I can afford to as I only work a few hours a week. He works from 9-9 most days and we live in the middle of nowhere so how can I work around that?
My inheritance ended up going on food and basic living costs while he saved for a better car. He pays into savings every month (£200) yet when I say we need money for food he gets stressed and says use up what we have already. We do have a joint account but there’s never any money in it. He expects us to get by on working tax credits which is about £90 a week.
Dd’s birthday was recent and he bought one present. It got nearer and nearer the time and in the end I thought I’m going to have to do something here and ordered more on my credit card.
I also found on his laptop that he’d been looking elsewhere for sex. We went to counselling and it came out that he didn’t find me attractive anymore and found when we did have sex it was boring. I made a massive effort since then with my appearance and made sure we had sex more often but then I noticed something. He was never coming on to me. I left it a while and he hasn’t made the effort since. I think it was a rubbish excuse he used in counselling. He was just acting selfishly and the simple answer is he’s just too lazy and selfish for a real life relationship. He wants a glamorous girl on his arm to prove his status. A girl who will ask nothing from him.
I just don’t know what to do next. I find it so hard to talk to him. He usually has lots of quick comebacks and defends his point so well that I’m left feeling like I was silly for feeling this way. Is this gaslighting?
If I left I would have to go on benefits and definitely move away as there’s nothing here. I’d have to lose the few business contacts I have for my work. I have money to rent elsewhere but I don’t know how I’d get by apart from that. I’ve been pushing this aside for so long thinking ‘just get on with it, you’ve got a lovely home and family’ but this creeps back and today after weeks of being ill and stress it’s all surfacing.

Are you married? Is there equity in the house etc? You need to see a solicitor and see where you stand. The man won't take the kids because he's not even doing any parenting now, so don't worry about that, it's all empty threats. And if he's making stuff up, he'd have to prove it etc. Honestly, don't listen to him and get some professional advice.

Ok, will do.
Yes we’re married and rent our house. I’ll ask citizens advice about legal aid solicitors in my area.

God poor you. Run, don't walk. He has already left this relationship. You can't be any lonelier than this sounds already. Sending all support

Thanks. I don’t want to dwell on his problems but I think he has a lot of issues and I will never again take the blame for his actions.

Your spouse is financially abusive and a cheater. Stop using your credit card to top up, tell him it's maxed out. Use whatever you have to get 6 months rent upfront somewhere and leave. Take the kids. Abusers often threaten to take them and make up claims. You don't need a solicitor to leave him. Gather whatever documents you can, including any financial statements you can, rent a place, back a bag whilst he is out and leave. Don't count on getting any maintenance from him, he'll use self-employment to weasel out of it. Get out before he uses his nest egg to dump you in that house in the middle of nowhere.

Cancel the holiday.

You'll qualify for CTC without him, unless you've in a UC area.

Contact citizens advice they are really really good!!

Can you take a friend on the holiday? My friend broke up with her bf and had a holiday booked for her and the kids and i went with her instead and gave her some money towards it so she had the spending money. in return for getting all the hotel and flights etc her bf would have had.

Also your husband does sound abusive. He is gaslighting you, you should be able to discuss your worries with him without being belittled. He is keeping money from you as well and forcing you to use your credit card which is a method of control.

It sounds as though your life would be so much better without him. Speak to someone about this abuse, get it recorded somehow and go and get on the council housing list. That will help you get on your feet initially. He wont be able to 'take the kids from you' thats bullshit.

It might be worth speaking to your GP about the financial control and its emotional impact on you... just because then it will be recorded so if he does act like an idiot when you leave it will be easier to access services to protect yourself. Also in any scenario where he tries to paint you as unstable, in arranging where the kids are going to stay for example, you then have proof of how hes been treating you and his character.

for you OP - it's a horrible situation. I would second seeing Women's Aid - they are so supportive and understanding of just this kind of situation. Not all abuse is physical. They may also have links to an experienced firm of solicitors - mine had a solicitor who came in and gave me a half hour appointment for free. Keep going OP - it does get so, so much better when you get out/get him out.

Please do call Womens Aid.
They can help you to see this for what it is.
And I'm sure they will confirm that a lot of his behaviour is abusive.
It's a hard word to swallow but it's true in your case.
They can also help you with solicitors in your area that specialise in dealing with assholes like your DH.
They can also tell you if you have a case for legal aid.

Ok women’s aid it is then! I have a family member who knows what’s going on. Dh has shouted at him on the phone drunk before and I’ve had to call this family member a few times to ask him to come and calm things down. Would I still need to log his behaviour with someone like a GP if I have this already?
I guess any more questions I can ask women’s aid.
What on earth do I do tonight when he gets home? He thinks everything’s great at the moment. Do I just say it or have a talk with him about how I feel or do absolutely nothing for now apart from get organised and talk to women’s aid?

Keep quiet and get organised

What a horrible situation. Best wishes OP

I’ve just sent women’s aid a long email. I’m going to find it hard to not mention it tonight. He always knows when somethings up!

Make sure he can't access the mail that you sent to women's aid! Keep your own council. Develop a headache, lady problems, and keep out of his way as much as you can. Plan quietly. Good luck.

Don't discuss anything with him about leaving!
Keep quiet and plan to leave with Women's Aid help.
The moment you mention to him that you are planning on leaving that is when you are in the greatest danger.
If you want to be free, safe, no more walking on eggshells, in charge of your own life...get help to leave him.

Tell him NOTHING. Start hiding your net history and such.

Or when he asks, tell him you need more money for food and essentials because your credit card is maxed out, that's what's up.

That will shut him up big time.

I’ve tried that before. I said it was maxed out and I had no idea what we were going to do as I have absolutely nothing left.
It’s as though he forgets. He asked today when my next driving lesson was. I said not in a long time I have no money. And he said nothing.
When I said my card was no longer an option he said we DO have money you just need to say what we need from the supermarket and I’ll get it. But thats the thing. I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to have to wait for him to get home. I’m stuck in this house all day every day! He will also edit the list so we don’t get everything I’ve said we need. It’s all so controlling

He's not forgetting. He's abusing.

' he said we DO have money you just need to say what we need from the supermarket and I’ll get it. But thats the thing. I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to have to wait for him to get home. I’m stuck in this house all day every day! He will also edit the list so we don’t get everything I’ve said we need. It’s all so controlling'

Send him with a list anyway. Then another and another. Because you simply cannot get into more debt over him because you'll be stuck either paying back what you've got into or going bankrupt, which you really don't want to do.

And tell your family if you have any.

So when he asks you tell him what's up is you have no money and are maxed out and then give him a list.

Suck it up until you can leave because you will need to pay back every penny that you got into debt for due to his abuse.

And it throws him off your scent.

Where is he keeping financial documents? Find out when he's out of the house.

I do his accounts. I’ve been brainwashed into thinking what he’s doing is for our own good.. and that I’m just a big spender and he’s frugal trying to make our future more secure. If he really cared about our future would he have let me spend my inheritance on every day living costs?
He hardly pays himself anything from the business. So when housing benefit ask what his wage is, it’s hardly anything. What he does pay himself is declared and goes into ISA’s. He has 3. And a savings in two other accounts aswell.
When I say he has to pay himself more he says he cant, he needs the business to grow so there’s bloody thousands sitting there in the business while I’m borrowing money. And he’s just applied for grants too. I have no independence
Then magically if he wants us to go out he’ll have money for that and he books concert tickets and all sorts. He has little getaways abroad with his sister (she pays) but all this adds to the fact that I’m here feeling like this while he probably feels like he’s actually getting somewhere in life.
Without the housing benefit, working tax credit and child tax credit that he gets he won’t be able to survive on the money he pays himself. He’ll go under unless he pays himself a lot more than he needs to if we are together.

Unless your normal shopping list is caviar and champagne for breakfast, you aren't being a big spender to buy things like bread, milk and washing up liquid (I'm assuming that these are the sorts of things that get "forgotten"?)

OP I am all for keeping marriages together through difficult circumstances but your DH is an absolute bastard. There are no redeeming features here. He is utterly selfish and controlling. The cheating, and the lack of contrition about this, is the killer indicator that he does not give a fuck about you. No civil conversation about how you feel is going to change him.

Get your ducks in a row and then leave.

So many parallels OP. DO NOT tell him what you're planning to do. He sounds abusive. Get everything sorted without telling him and use the money as an excuse for being off.

He is going to be difficult at the very least. You need all the support you can get so get everyone on side.

I am the other side. I tried to be reasonable and nice. Did not work. I suppose i couldn't accept he was abusive...at first. I still have doubts.

I moved out whilst he was at work and got all the important stuff out. He very swiftly changed the locks - and i know its illegal btw - but i kind of knew he'd do that. I'm not up for the stress and aggravation of demanding half the furniture etc. I'll leave that fight for another day. I've furnished my new place on a shoe string. I've got tons of free stuff on line (freegle, preloved etc).

Most importantly, I have been truly humbled by the help I've received. I'm tearing up here. I have got the most FANTASTIC outreach worker via Womens Aid. She is an ANGEL. My GP has been utterly brilliant and made me cry on numerous visits by being soooo nice and helpful. CSA were great. Housing benefit people swift and helpful. I had no idea that i would get benefit but I get £260 pm which is amazing and gets me out of a hole.

Look for the good stuff. Sounds trite but bloody hell, it's been my life line. You just need to pull your big girl knickers up and make the move. when you do - make it swift. And I know how difficult that is...I took FAR too long.

If he no longer finds you attractive and has looked elsewhere for sex then I'm sorry op the marriage is over .

Does he have any good qualities? Do you think he is just with you as you do all the chores and feed him and look after the kids ? Sorry op but he sounds awful and if my husband told me he no longer found me attractive id be heartbroken and would probably leave especially if he had been cheating via looking for sex