Don’t know if this is normal in marriage

[Realitea]

Married for 8 years. Two dc’s. Dh started his own business last year and is totally consumed by it. He’s never around to help. If he is around his mind is elsewhere and he’s stressed. A client of mine knocked on the door the other day while he was working from home and he screamed ‘oh for gods sake’! It’s like he’s losing it.
I’m left to do all the home/child stuff but with no car or money.
This business makes next to nothing. He pays the bills and for food but expects me to contribute much more than I can afford to as I only work a few hours a week. He works from 9-9 most days and we live in the middle of nowhere so how can I work around that?
My inheritance ended up going on food and basic living costs while he saved for a better car. He pays into savings every month (£200) yet when I say we need money for food he gets stressed and says use up what we have already. We do have a joint account but there’s never any money in it. He expects us to get by on working tax credits which is about £90 a week.
Dd’s birthday was recent and he bought one present. It got nearer and nearer the time and in the end I thought I’m going to have to do something here and ordered more on my credit card.
I also found on his laptop that he’d been looking elsewhere for sex. We went to counselling and it came out that he didn’t find me attractive anymore and found when we did have sex it was boring. I made a massive effort since then with my appearance and made sure we had sex more often but then I noticed something. He was never coming on to me. I left it a while and he hasn’t made the effort since. I think it was a rubbish excuse he used in counselling. He was just acting selfishly and the simple answer is he’s just too lazy and selfish for a real life relationship. He wants a glamorous girl on his arm to prove his status. A girl who will ask nothing from him.
I just don’t know what to do next. I find it so hard to talk to him. He usually has lots of quick comebacks and defends his point so well that I’m left feeling like I was silly for feeling this way. Is this gaslighting?
If I left I would have to go on benefits and definitely move away as there’s nothing here. I’d have to lose the few business contacts I have for my work. I have money to rent elsewhere but I don’t know how I’d get by apart from that. I’ve been pushing this aside for so long thinking ‘just get on with it, you’ve got a lovely home and family’ but this creeps back and today after weeks of being ill and stress it’s all surfacing.

Make back up of all his accounts. All of them. For one, he's playing the system. But beyond that, he will claim he has nothing to avoid paying a penny in maintenance once you leave.

If he asks what's up till him there's no money for essentials and then give him lists. He forgets shit, give him another list the next day.

Tell him nothing because he is abusive.

Thank you. I can tell by your post you feel relieved now you’re out of the marriage. It’s good to know support is very good for women in this situation.
If I could find an affordable house right now I’d just move.
There’s still a bit of me that thinks women’s aid are going to say they don’t think it’s abuse. Can they help with housing?
He’ll be home any minute. I’m going to be ‘ill’ and take to bed immediately!

You can find something that will do for now. You can do this. They will NOT tell you he's not abusive. He is blatantly so. Financial abuse is domestic abuse and it is a crime. Yes, it is. Just be ill and if he prods, tell him there's no money. That will shut him up.

Farmerswife - I was heartbroken. And pretty shocked as I have always taken massive pride in my appearance and I’m known for being glam! But it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t TARTY enough for him. Despite saying he had a problem with my weight (I’m a 12-14) and making it clear his previous girlfriends were all very slender and healthy, he expected me to dress more to show off my body.
What a very confused man

Well if he says that about you I hope he is some sort of Adonis then ? What a tosser he sounds ! Ignore his hurtful jibes and keep telling yourself you deserve better and will be strong and I dependant and show your children that no women needs to put up with that type of shit from a man or anyone . Good luck op . I hope you leave the bastard and take half his savings and previous business xx

He's not confused, he's abusive. Negging you, trying to make you feel ugly, all part of his plan to abuse you further. That cunt.

I read somewhere they look for sex outside the marriage with strangers because it's easier when there's no intimacy. Intimacy is hard work for some men. They want quick gratification, no wooing or emotions. Might this be the case for your DH OP?

He sounds like he's burying his head in the sand. Focussed on a business which is costing his relationship. Not very shrewd is it? The haemorrhaging of money and crappy money management is a symptom of his drive to persevere at all costs. He sounds unbelievably stressed and totally blinkered. He needs to stop this shit now!

What was he like before he started this business?

Yes OP very relieved, although only been feeling it for the last month or so, not straight away. I can't lie, it's been traumatic. But I'm coming out the other end. The peace of not having the constant torment...bliss.

Currently you are immersed in your world, thinking about how he is and what mood he's in and what he says. He will be chip, chip chipping away at you. It will affect how you think and how you act. It will keep you down trodden. Perfect for him. He can concentrate on his own business, his own arse and his own nest egg, whilst he has someone to wash his pants and the façade of a nice family. He will also think you deserve to be running around because you're 'only part time' and he works sooooo much harder than you and therefore is so much more important. So you should know your place.

Sorry went off on a rant there

And him taking the kids is absolute bollocks. What does he do now for them? Fuck all i bet? Does he say it's all too stressful? He needs to try and relax on his days off because he's so stressed. Blah blah blah. It's all bluster. If he did have them, he'd probably last a week tops. How old are they btw?

One’s 7 and the other is a teenager. You summarised him perfectly there! Amazing!

Before he started this business he was pretty depressed. He has a high opinion of himself and felt the work he was doing was very beneath him. So he’s swapped misery for stress.

Yep, mine has always been 'pretty depressed' He has lots f issues, of that i have no doubt. He also couldn't be 'employed' because he thought it was beneath him. I think the thing is - it will always be misery or stress.

I look back and its always been a bit of a drama. Trouble at work if he's employed - boss is stupid/abusive. Own business - suppliers/customers taking the piss. He was completely paranoid everyone was out to get him. But i think that's another issue. Fact was, I took the brunt whilst he was busy fighting his demons.

Same here. He’s always on edge now or thinking about work. I’m not a priority anymore (or the children) and he doesn’t see me as an equal. I don’t want to be bossed around any more.

I'm sure Women's Aid will confirm that it is abuse. Just getting that outside perspective may help you emotionally, even if they can't help with housing.

Perhaps Citizen's Advice for housing? Have you got any friends, family to talk to?

Ring round to solicitors' offices and ask if they offer the free half-hour consultation regarding divorce. Then go to a few different ones to get a feel for them and start getting a clear idea of your legal position.

Your life will be so much better without him--he will threaten all sort of crap but that's just his game. You can do it!

As well as being a narcissistic, abusive twatbag, i think he planned this very carefully.

I think he chose to check out of your marriage and parenting a long time ago and decided to only think of himself.
He chose to control and abuse you in order to get himself the support he wants/needs to be selfish and to minimise the disruption to his life/finances.

What he does pay himself is declared and goes into ISA’s. He has 3. And a savings in two other accounts as well
I take it your name is not on either of the two savings accounts?
He's made sure that whilst married it remains his money and even in the event of a split that you can't access the money or try to claim on it
I would suggest asking your solicitor about how to go about freezing these accounts asap (once you've decided to end things) so he can't move/hide the money.
That money belongs to you and the dc too and you have every right to access/claim on it.

I would start hiding photocopies of all his business dealings/accounts/finances as you may well need this info when divorcing him and proving his financial abuse.
Also move all other pertinent documentation to a safe place - such as birth certificates etc.

He will threaten you with 'taking the kids' but don't let him scare you into believing this.....as if he's seriously going to share his time and money with his kids when he refuses to be a responsible parent

Hi hun. My DH started his own work about a year ago and since then he's been working 24/7, 7 days a week. He took One day off in in the summer holidays and that was it. I Stayed quiet to keep the peaces as I could see his passion for it. But then again he had 3 other partners and they all continued with their day job while my DH suffered the most time wise and financially. Like you hes not making much at all at the moment.

I have 3 children 10,8,1 and it was hard work doing it all on my own so I spent most of the holidays at my mums. He is bit better now but his fone rings off the hook 24/7. This morning one of his partners rang at 6am. I was not Impressed as I'm an insomniac and when I do wake up and fall aslp eventually, I want to feel well rested. In fact I've become an Insomniac thanks to DH Constant work alarms over the years.

Maybe you should talk to him and see if u can come. Up with a better solution. I Talked a lot of DH and we up in a few arguments in the past few months but now he realised what I said was accurate. If he sees your point of view workwise then mayb he can explain his plans and u both can put ur heads together. Having your own business to run is way harder than being an employee.

Give it some time and things may get better on the work front x

Well if we can all see abuse then so will Womens Aid.
And yes they can point in the right direction for housing.
I'm so glad the scales are falling.
No-one should have to live like this.
Do get any evidence you can about ISA's, savings, accounts, what his business actually makes, even he doesn't pay himself a lot.
Also get important docs together, out of the house and somewhere safe.
You sound so much stronger already.
Womens Aid may take a couple of days to get back to you.
Chase them if they don't.
It's a very busy time of year for them.

Naz I assume your dh wasn't cheating on you, derogatory about your appearance or financially and emotionally abusive. There's a huge difference.

OP, his savings will be taken into account when you divorce so definitely get the accounts frozen. Get away from the abusive arse hole and you'll find you will feel so much better about yourself. No one should feel that they have to perform sexually in order to stop their partner from cheating.

Thanks all. I will get copies of his accounts and proof of all that money he’s saved. The accounts are in his name. There’s one with my name but there’s never anything in it apart from child tax credit which goes on topping up the housing benefit amount so that it goes out every month.
He’s home all day today and it got too much. Dd is home ill too. When He asked why I was so down today I’m afraid I had to tell him I have nothing and that’s why I’m down. I’ve been in the house for over a week with no money and it’s just too much. He started to yell back and because I didn’t want dd to get upset I left him with her to diffuse the situation. He said he cannot understand why i have a problem with him working hard to pay the bills. He just doesn’t see it does he!
I just want him to go and leave us alone now I’ve had enough of living like this. It won’t be that easy though.

He sounds bloody horrible.

Yes, get proof of all accounts. If you do want to salvage this corpse, I'd at least be telling him that first thing he does, if it's all such a 'team effort' - is to put my name on those savings accounts or you're walking.

OP. He does see it... He just wants you to feel sorry for him
He knows exactly what he is doing and he knows exactly how much money he has got... And he sees it as his...

He does see it, he sees every bit of it. He just doesn’t care.
You are the little woman who needs to know her place and be more respectful to the big man bringing in the money.

He’s an abusive scumbag and you need to get away.

No it won't be easy Op but what you have now isn't easy either. This is madness. Please ring women's aid for advice and make those plans to leave.

FFS don't stay til August for a holiday. That's madness. You'll be in so much debt by then you'll drive yourself mad.

I'll RTFT now.

It doesn't matter who's name the accounts are in.
If he is your husband, then everything is joint assets.
Get some legal advice quick sharp!

Wallywobbles I don’t think I could stay until after the holiday. Hopefully someone will come with me in his place as dd was talking about it again this morning and I felt so bad about it.