Don’t know if this is normal in marriage

[Realitea]

Married for 8 years. Two dc’s. Dh started his own business last year and is totally consumed by it. He’s never around to help. If he is around his mind is elsewhere and he’s stressed. A client of mine knocked on the door the other day while he was working from home and he screamed ‘oh for gods sake’! It’s like he’s losing it.
I’m left to do all the home/child stuff but with no car or money.
This business makes next to nothing. He pays the bills and for food but expects me to contribute much more than I can afford to as I only work a few hours a week. He works from 9-9 most days and we live in the middle of nowhere so how can I work around that?
My inheritance ended up going on food and basic living costs while he saved for a better car. He pays into savings every month (£200) yet when I say we need money for food he gets stressed and says use up what we have already. We do have a joint account but there’s never any money in it. He expects us to get by on working tax credits which is about £90 a week.
Dd’s birthday was recent and he bought one present. It got nearer and nearer the time and in the end I thought I’m going to have to do something here and ordered more on my credit card.
I also found on his laptop that he’d been looking elsewhere for sex. We went to counselling and it came out that he didn’t find me attractive anymore and found when we did have sex it was boring. I made a massive effort since then with my appearance and made sure we had sex more often but then I noticed something. He was never coming on to me. I left it a while and he hasn’t made the effort since. I think it was a rubbish excuse he used in counselling. He was just acting selfishly and the simple answer is he’s just too lazy and selfish for a real life relationship. He wants a glamorous girl on his arm to prove his status. A girl who will ask nothing from him.
I just don’t know what to do next. I find it so hard to talk to him. He usually has lots of quick comebacks and defends his point so well that I’m left feeling like I was silly for feeling this way. Is this gaslighting?
If I left I would have to go on benefits and definitely move away as there’s nothing here. I’d have to lose the few business contacts I have for my work. I have money to rent elsewhere but I don’t know how I’d get by apart from that. I’ve been pushing this aside for so long thinking ‘just get on with it, you’ve got a lovely home and family’ but this creeps back and today after weeks of being ill and stress it’s all surfacing.

No, don't mention the savings at all! That'll give him a heads up that there's something afoot. Never mention his savings as that's his true love and he will protect it at all costs.

Keep calm, OP, or you'll give your plans away and he'll make the money disappear. When things get too tough, think of your children and how they can benefit from the money in future. New home, happy mum and food on the table. Also get some quiet satisfaction at the fucker's face when he rralises that all those years of financially abusing you wasn't worth it, as you'll be recouping some of it when you divorce.

Even if you stay in your current home, it's going to feel like a new home, when the miserable bully has left.

OP I know leaving is a really scary prospect, but your husband is abusive and he's not going to change.

But you can change how you're feeling and the life that you and your children live and I am certain it will be better.

One step at a time, give Women's Aid a call if you've not already.
Then get all financial docs copied.

You can do this. Sending very best wishes

I agree don’t mention the savings at all or they’ll disappear.

WA will help, they can advise re solicitor, advise re refuge (yes you would qualify) Get to CAB for info. Get your name on the housing list.
Change all you passwords, & make sure there is no joint cloud, (your emails coming up on his iPad for example). as if he senses a change in mood he will check history on phone etc. Clear internet history, for example MN !
Get all & any important paper work copied (sooner than later), business accounts, bank, savings, pension, & along with the kids passports/birth certs, get them OUT of the house. leave at them at work, or at a friend's house.
Do not confront him, keep your head down & get organised.
Remember his precious savings are legally half yours !

He said he cannot understand why i have a problem with him working hard to pay the bills.
But he doesn't pay the bills!!

He does, he pays all the esssential things and will buy food he’s just extremely disorganised so often the option is to go without as he’s away at work or I get what we need with a credit card. He rarely buys clothes though. Or things he sees as frivolous.
After our little talk today he’s actually said he had no idea I was using a credit card and assumed I had money from my job. He has said he’ll pay all my debt and all shopping will be done by him but I must try to be more careful with money. He’s given me money for my lessons and said just ask if anything’s needed and he will work it out. It’s just that we don’t have that much money it’s not that he’s consciously witholding from me. He sees it as important to save which really annoys me, I mean, why save £200 and leave us overdrawn at the end of the month? Ok save a bit, say £50 but at least give me an amount every week just to show some recognition for what I do. I hate he lack of recognition for what I do.
I’ve told him his business idea is rubbish and it’s not working, he agrees the amount he puts in is not equalling to what he gets in return. But I can’t see him doing anything else.
I was happy about his reaction it showed some humanity but .... I still think he’s an absolute douche

OP, he's cottoned on to something. That sudden change would worry me, after all this time. Do you sign out of mumsnet or is there any chance he knows your password? He hasn't suddenly had a realisation that he's an abusive arse.

OP... I am going to go against the tide here.
Maybe, given his reaction to your talk, he really was clueless to what was going on.
Maybe he really honestly did not see the use of credit cards etc and thought you could buy food etc out of your wages?
I understand you worry over money but you have booked an overseas holiday in August... How were you paying for tgat, as I can't imagine it's cheap.

Maybe your dh thought he was saving for the family and future.

My dexh was a bit like this, used to massively over pay our mortgage while I was on my knees working 6 days a week to pay day to day outgoings... It took quite a lot of talking to get him to see it was madness. He liked the security of seeing the mortgage reduce every month.

Your dh has not refused money now... I wonder if he just lacked awareness

Oh please. He's an abusive bully.

Really... According to op... He has listened to what she said, is clearing the debts, will pay for her driving lessons and cover the food bills... And anything else he will work it out somehow...

Sounds to me like he was wrapped up in his new business, maybe he was worried about it too and thought he could save in case it went tits up and the family needed money... We don't know but I think given his response to op we should not be so quick to judge

No it's not normal. You would be able to be yourself with a loving husband. Get out and get happy.

Theredjellybean - thank you for that, I am starting to agree with you, thinking he was actually very clueless. But he still didn’t consider me in his savings for a car for example and think I might need help with driving lessons etc but on the other hand I didn’t really give the impression i needed help. He said he wanted more than anything for me to have that independence and he wasn’t getting in the way of it purposely.
I think because we don’t have a lot of money he’s doing the best he can to manage what we have yet still save. He says he’s saving so we can buy a house eventually.
I think he has been so wrapped up in his work he’s just failed to notice that we’re neglected and I’m getting really fed up about this way of living.
He’s had a shaking up today, he’s been very quiet this evening

op... See how it goes... I am very glass over flowing opportunistic so tend to want to see good in everyone.

He might be clueless idiot, my dexh was like this until I put foot down and said enough we need that Money now... Or he might be very clever narc..

Bide your time, fgs get your driving lessons, that's absolutely essential for future independence if you need it.

Good luck but I hope you give him a chance.

Ps: dexh not ex due to finances... He was/is homosexual... Hence why he is 'd' ex... He is now close friend, wonderful Co parent... But was not great husband obviously!

Well his actions will speak for him, if he does what he says, ie pay off the credit card bill TODAY, (why wait if the intention is to do it ?)
Tell you to book next driving lesson & hand you the cash....
Take your list & buy what's on it, or do a shop on line ????
You will see if it's empty promises.

What Mix wrote. Its actions that count, not mere words from him. I see there was no mention of the savings accounts currently in his sole name.

Words are cheap Realitea, he may be simply telling you what you want to hear because he has got wind from you by actions or your overall attitude that you are planning on leaving him. I do not think he has had an epiphany here and this may be again part of the nice/nasty continuous cycle of abuse.

Just an update. He’s paid the credit card debt, given me the cash for lessons and agreed we’ll do a budget each week and do the list together of what we need, including clothing etc. He said once he’s bought the car we’ll save for other things we need like spending money on the holiday etc.
Seems very good. It doesn’t excuse some of his behaviour and I’ll remain wary here but I’m now thinking it wasn’t financial abuse but more that we weren’t talking and he was immersed in work. I hope I’m right anyway.
I got an email from women’s aid today. I read back what I’d put first and as I was so angry at the time I think it came across quite strong and made him sound a lot more scary than he actually is! (Er.. he’s not scary at all he’s quite the opposite. Bossy maybe but not scary) their response was ‘get help immediately’ pretty much. I feel a bit silly now.
I’ll make sure he sticks to the ‘budgeting together’ plan and once I’m driving I’ll start looking for a job outside of this village and get some independence back.

I'm glad to hear your update, Realitea. But it still sounds incredibly controlling. If you take care of the domestic side of things, why do you need to sit down together and decide what to buy? He's dictating, in reality, and not letting you get on with it.
A lot of your initial post reminds me of my financially abusive ex. And a lot of the things in your update sound like things he would do to 'placate' me, which worked for a while, until I saw even though he's appearing 'nice', he's still controlling everything really.

What Cyrilla wrote. You are still being dictated to by him. What you wrote of was and remains financially abusive, his latest behaviours are a further example of this.

And again there is no mention of the numerous savings accounts in his sole name. I would also think that he will actively sabotage or otherwise stop your attempts to get a job and or further independence.

Whose idea was it to live where you do; his in the main? If so this was an attempt on his part to further isolate you both physically and emotionally.

We need to work together on the finances because we don’t have that much money coming in and he’s trying to save for longer term goals. So that’s why I said we both need to work out a budget every month and take into account things that are needed every month. If there’s anything left over we should get an equal share but I very much doubt there’ll be anything left over.
Yes the savings are in his name and that’s wrong. It’s something else I’ll be bringing up with him.
I found the house here, we were in a rush to move and it was cheap and a really nice house so we took it.
He’s very much for me being more independent. I’ve now booked more driving lessons which he paid for and I said I’ll start working more hours once I have a car as I’ll be able to get to town then where there are much more opportunities.
I do suspect he’ll have a problem with putting the savings in my name too. If at any point he goes back on these agreements I will leave. I’m staying very wary. I think the problem is that he’s got it in his head that I’m just out to spend every penny we have. I do like spending money and we do have very different opinions of money. He’s frugal whereas I love to spend. I think he sees the money he makes as his, needing protection and he’s worried if I’m more involved then we’ll end up broke. I do admit if I ran the finances we’d certainly have no savings and would probably struggle to pay some of the bills. I’m not saying that because he’s made me believe that, I know it’s a fact.
So it’s a tough one. Yes he is controlling but he sees it as doing the best he can to manage what we have and knowing what I’m like with spending money. But this is where I’m not so sure it’s abuse: he doesn’t tell me what I can and can’t do, he doesn’t hold me back in life, he is pushing for me to be more independent, he never leaves us with absolutely nothing like I might’ve made out.

Controlling behaviour like he has and continues to show you is abusive in nature. Its about power and control; he wants absolute here. He is already telling you what you can and cannot do here; his business has made no real money yet he is putting money away into savings accounts in his sole name. At the same time there is little to no money in the joint account. You used your inheritance money to buy food and basic living costs. He has also used the computer to look for sex. If those are not deal breakers to you, what is?.

You still have no access to that money in his sole name so you do not know how much he has. The money he makes also is family money; this man simply does not want to share.

I know. I always said if I was ever in a relationship those would be the deal breakers yet I’m still here.
I’m going to say when he gets home the savings must go into my name aswell as his. Not sure if that’s allowed with ISA’s but I doubt he realises and I’ll see what his reaction is.
He has no idea how much living as a family actually costs. He thinks we can get by in a shoestring by it’s impossible! The proof is the credit card bill.
He asked to see the statements to see exactly how much went on food and clothing ‘so he can get an idea of how much it really costs’
I doubt that’s the real reason.
I do feel I’ve had enough really.

Has he apologised to you for any of his behaviour?

No. He’s acting very remorseful but not actually said sorry for making me feel like this.

He did say sorry about the cheating. He saw how devastated I was and he knows I’ll never completely get over that.
However as soon as he was told by the counsellor the reasons men cheat and he recognised himself in that, I think he felt it made him feel a bit better! Like it was bound to happen and very common.