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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blackout Sex- so ashamed of myself

121 replies

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:10

I wasn't sure which category to put this in but basically I am so ashamed of my recent behaviour.

For context, I am an alcoholic as in I have drunk vodka every night for the past couple of years and sometimes/regularly black out because of it. My boyfriend who lives with me found out about this about 6 months ago and has asked me to go for help.

I gave up for 4 weeks in December but have since started it up again. My boyfriend doesn't know I started again although has suspected on a few occasions that I'm drunk.

Anyway, I have been a few times since starting up again that have had me panick:-

Example 1- I apparently had sex with my boyfriend last week and I don't remember at all. I have no recollection of it. He said to me a couple of days afterwards that the sex was great and that he liked that I wanted it and wouldn't take no for an answer. It has worried me that I must be 'wilder' when on the drink and he prefers me like this.

Example 2- last night I got really drunk and blacked out. We watched a programme and I remember about 10 minutes of it. I went up to bed early (vaguely remember this but not all the details). My boyfriend asked if it would be ok if he came up in a bit and 'stuck it in me' and I said I would like that. Anyway, in the middle of the night I got up to go to the toilet and felt like I might have had sex. This morning my boyfriend asked me if I remembered that we had sex last night and I said yes and that he was awesome.

Tonight when I came home he said again about the sex last night and said I was like a 'sack of potatoes'. I just brushed it off and said that was because I was so tired when he came up and was asleep.

I'm so ashamed. Please help me move on from this...

OP posts:
Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:13

I must add that my boyfriend might have suspected I was drunk but wouldn't have known I was completely blacked out so I'm not deflecting blame off myself. Just so ashamed. This must be rock bottom.

OP posts:
newtlover · 09/01/2018 19:17

you have identified that you are an alcoholic, that's positive, now you need to take some serious steps- go to your GP and ask for help

SoupDragon · 09/01/2018 19:17

In example 2, your boyfriend raped you, if you were “like a sack of potatoes” you clearly were unable to consent.

Have you joined something like AA?

TroubledTribble28 · 09/01/2018 19:18

Beetlebum that's really not right love. If you were 'like a sack of potatoes* your boyfriend had no business having sex with you. I know someone will be along swiftly with more sage words than me Brew Strictly from the perspective of your health; did you struggle with your 4 week sobriety? There are support programmes out there for your alcohol issues. Is there perhaps a DASPA near you?

Inthishouse · 09/01/2018 19:19

Have you spoken to anyone else about your drinking? AA, doctor? If not, I think it's really worth while getting some outside support - giving up drinking is really hard!

Your boyfriend sounds like a massive twat. If you were drunk enough to black out then there is no way he wouldn't have noticed and seems to be enjoying the fact that he has exploited and abused you.

If you want to get better, you need to cut out the people who are bad for you.

Quartz2208 · 09/01/2018 19:20

I think he did suspect you had blacked out as well but that is secondary to the fact you are drinking to the point where you do you need professional help

LEMtheoriginal · 09/01/2018 19:22

I am not sure what to make of this. You recognise your alcohol problem - that's good . You then say how you feel uncomfortable about the sex. Have you told your Bf how you feel? Because he really shouldn't be having sex with you if you are so drunk youre blacking out and as suchunable to consent.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 09/01/2018 19:24

Don't be hard on yourself. You know that you have a problem and you want to change something. In fact you effectively have an illness. You can get help for it and change your behaviour so that this doesn't happen any more. If you haven't tried AA already or even if you have, you could find help and understanding there. No judging. Just people who've been where you are.

hahahaIdontgetit · 09/01/2018 19:24

I'm not sure how your boyfriend can not know you're drunk if you're drunk enough to pass out. I'm worried he is aware and taking advantage.
Please go and get help for your problem as soon as possible.

Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:29

Thank you everyone. The only person I have confessed what happened to is my twin sister who also has a problem with alcohol. She said she was concerned about the fact he had asked me if I remembered as why would he think that I wouldn't. I told her it wasn't his fault as he didn't even know I'd had alcohol and sneaked it from him. I don't know what to think. I recognise it's mostly my fault for hiding my drinking and being deceitful.

OP posts:
Redken24 · 09/01/2018 19:32

Your boyfriend is having sex with you while you cnt make a proper decision! ! End it

Inthishouse · 09/01/2018 19:34

Rape (which is what it is if you were too drunk to consent) is never, never, never the victims fault.
Guilt and self hatred are of no help to you. As mostinept said, try thinking of alcohol dependency as an illness which can be helped with the right support.
Go easy on yourself Flowers

Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:34

As regards my 4 week sobriety, I started to feel really depressed and thinking that a couple of beers would take the edge off it. This has resulted me in being as bad as ever. Being sober felt so good but I don't even know now how I managed it

OP posts:
Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:37

I really appreciate all the comments but surely if my boyfriend doesn't know I've blacked out he's not at fault. I love him and he is good to me generally. I'm also glad that when he found out I had a problem he didn't just ditch me, especially as he has a daughter.

OP posts:
mrd · 09/01/2018 19:43

How could he not know you've blacked out?

Inthishouse · 09/01/2018 19:43

I really don't believe that he didn't know you'd been drinking and if you were like a sack of potatoes then you clearly weren't in a position to consent. Also, I find the way he seems to be tormenting you by asking if you remember worrying. I think your self esteem might have taken enough of a battering to make you think that you don't deserve better.

Wherearemymarbles · 09/01/2018 19:45

AA.

I pressume you mean you have no recollection of events rather than you were unconscious?

I had a alcoholic friend who could seem a little pissed but then would have no memory of the night before as they were that drunk

category12 · 09/01/2018 19:47

I don't believe that he doesn't know when you're drunk enough to black out/be uninhibited/are unresponsive (sack of potatoes). He knows. Whether he's a good guy who is naive about alcoholism, is co-dependent or your alcohol abuse is rather convenient to him, is up for debate. But he knows.

DivisionBelle · 09/01/2018 19:47

I can’t quite fathom how your boyfriend has not cottoned on to your drinking or didn’t know you have a problem for so long.

But as I read it, you didn’t start this thread to talk about your boyfriend, you started it to talk about you and how to fe better.

My inexperienced advice would be, don’t think in terms of shame. You have not harmed another, and of someone has harmed you, the shame is not yours.

So havjng done Away with shame, you are a person, who deserves to be in control of your dignity, your honesty, your integrity.

So tell your boyfriend you are drinking. Do not lie to him. Tell him the truth: you were a sack of spuds because you were blacked out drunk.

Tell him that you need him to be honest: did he actually realise that?

Tell him that if you are to trust him you need him to be honest and that your earlier consent does not count if you are unconscious.

Then decide what help you are going to get. Freeing yourself of addiction enabled you to have control over yourself. At the moment drink controls you.

Get help.

You are worth it.

Mean it and stick to it.

Anyhope · 09/01/2018 19:49

Oh god bloody awful. Reminding me of lots of things. Yes is r if on top of you. Went through hell to have this confirmed by state. Just get away from him if can & get help for drinking.

starfishmummy · 09/01/2018 19:50

You have two problems. Alcohol and your boyfriend.
I think that both need to go.

Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:51

I'm not sure if I was unconscious or just don't remember what happened. I assume I would definitely have appeared drunk which he didn't mention but he couldn't have known about the black out as I might have appeared coherent. The only thing I'm really ashamed about is normally I would have some flashbacks but on the last few occasions, I haven't even known I've had sex.

OP posts:
MissHemsworth · 09/01/2018 19:51

How much are you drinking to black-out? It must be quite a lot surely. Seems strange he doesn't notice you getting to this point & tries to intervene. Tbf I'm not a vodka drinker so I don't know how much/long it takes to go from sober to black-out drunk.

Are you sure he's not adding a little something extra to your drinks? Sorry I know that sounds harsh.

Bobbins43 · 09/01/2018 19:54

I was also wondering if he was adding something to your drinks.

He shouldn't be having sex with you in that condition. He knows exactly how drunk you are and he is taking advantage of you.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice about the alcohol- would going to your GP help? You should chuck the boyfriend. He's not helping your sobriety at all

category12 · 09/01/2018 19:55

Time to get help with your drinking, OP.

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