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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Blackout Sex- so ashamed of myself

121 replies

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:10

I wasn't sure which category to put this in but basically I am so ashamed of my recent behaviour.

For context, I am an alcoholic as in I have drunk vodka every night for the past couple of years and sometimes/regularly black out because of it. My boyfriend who lives with me found out about this about 6 months ago and has asked me to go for help.

I gave up for 4 weeks in December but have since started it up again. My boyfriend doesn't know I started again although has suspected on a few occasions that I'm drunk.

Anyway, I have been a few times since starting up again that have had me panick:-

Example 1- I apparently had sex with my boyfriend last week and I don't remember at all. I have no recollection of it. He said to me a couple of days afterwards that the sex was great and that he liked that I wanted it and wouldn't take no for an answer. It has worried me that I must be 'wilder' when on the drink and he prefers me like this.

Example 2- last night I got really drunk and blacked out. We watched a programme and I remember about 10 minutes of it. I went up to bed early (vaguely remember this but not all the details). My boyfriend asked if it would be ok if he came up in a bit and 'stuck it in me' and I said I would like that. Anyway, in the middle of the night I got up to go to the toilet and felt like I might have had sex. This morning my boyfriend asked me if I remembered that we had sex last night and I said yes and that he was awesome.

Tonight when I came home he said again about the sex last night and said I was like a 'sack of potatoes'. I just brushed it off and said that was because I was so tired when he came up and was asleep.

I'm so ashamed. Please help me move on from this...

OP posts:

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:56

@MissHemsworth last night it wasn't that much-needed a bottle of rosé wine and one vodka but I did drink it very quickly- probably in the space of an hour and a half. He isn't adding anything to my drink as doesn't even know I'm doing it.

OP posts:

GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 19:57

Your boyfriend raped you. Thats why he keeps asking you about it, hes either checking that he is off the hook or working out how to spin it/blame you.

Consent is an ingoing thing. You cant obtain it in advance
You were visibly not able to give your ongoing consent and he still did it and that is rape. Im sorry.

Redken24 · 09/01/2018 19:58

I'm pretty sure your bf can tell your drunk.

fia101 · 09/01/2018 20:02

He sounds like a real catch "can I stick it in you" and "you were like a sack of potatoes". Love and tenderness there. You're worth more than this.

Dump him.

Go to AA every night. Replace alcohol with meetings.

You've already experienced how good life is sober- you can do it again.

But you need to concentrate on you. She what is toxic in your life.

A nice decent person who cares about you would want you to be well not have sex with you when you're unconscious.

Good luck

CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 20:04

You are unable to consent.
He knows you are so drunk you cannot consent.
He is mentioning it the next day so that it appears you were too drunk to remember and because you are keeping your drinking a secret he knows you will not admit to not consenting.

I have been very very unconcious drunk and all DP has done is put me to bed and provide a bucket.
Not once have we had sex.
Because he would not do that without my full consent.

End your relationship and seek professional help for your drinking.

You may find you are less depressed when your bf is not raping you.

pallisers · 09/01/2018 20:07

I don't necessarily think the bf can tell if she is drunk. My guess is he hardly knows what she is like sober as she is probably drinking around him most of the time- just not openly. My guess is he does suspect she is drinking again hence the questions but he is afraid of asking outright or confronting her.

And certainly he can't tell if she is blacking out - no one can tell that when it is happening. It is kind of the point - you behave normally but create no memories at all.

OP you need help. Go to your GP.

LuluJakey1 · 09/01/2018 20:09

You need to be worried about your boyfrien£ as much as your drinking.
'Do you mind if I come up in a bit and stick it in you?' Sounds like he knew you would be out of it. (He has a way with words mind)

Then he clearly knows you had blacked out from what he is asking and how he described you. The fact that he went on with it is awful. I think it is rape.

Heatherjayne1972 · 09/01/2018 20:10

I used to live with an alcoholic
Trust me -you know when someone’s been drinking
The smell gives it away

Sorry op. Like others have said. Ditch the bf. And concentrate on you
You’re worth it

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 20:13

I may have given a bit of a false representation of him. He only talks like that when it's about sex. He does also tell me he loves me constantly.

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 09/01/2018 20:15

Ah sorry OP am glad to hear that you are sure he's not spiking your drinks.

Agree with PPs that I don't think he will help with your sobriety tbh.

Please seek help/go to your GP.

RefuseTheLies · 09/01/2018 20:15

Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic for any length of time knows immediately when they’ve been drinking.

CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 20:15

My guess is he hardly knows what she is like sober

OP was 4 weeks sober in December and the sex without consent was not an issue.

Of course he knows she is drunk.
He is banking on OP being to ashamed to admit she is drinking thats why he is raping her.

Emmageddon · 09/01/2018 20:16

Phone AA tonight, 0800 9177 650, and talk to one of their counsellors, there is always someone on the end of the phone. They are recovering alcoholics themselves and will be able to sort out a meeting for you to go to, and someone to come and collect you and go with you for moral support. You need to deal with your alcoholism first and foremost and your boyfriend needs to realise you are unwell and not his personal sex toy.

CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 20:17

He does also tell me he loves me constantly.

So why is he not suppirting you to get help?

Why is he having sex with you when he knows you are too drunk to say no?

Thats not love OP thats opportunity

GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 20:19

He tells you he loves you
and he rapes you.
That is not love sweetheart. Him telling you it is doesnt make it so

pallisers · 09/01/2018 20:22

OP was 4 weeks sober in December and the sex without consent was not an issue.

Fair point.

Redken24 · 09/01/2018 20:23

Not sure what kind of love that is.
Honestly you deserve better.
You need help with your alcohol addiction and the strength to get away from a man that can have sex with you like that.
If my oh said I'd been like a sack of spuds I'd tell him to get out.
Not sure why your partner thinks it is OK to make critiscms of bed antics anyway's. And why would he carry on if your were a sack? Surely a better conversation would be "darling you seemed a bit off last night, was something bothering you or was it something I did" no man would ever say to his partner who he loves you were like a sack of potatoes -

LyraPotter · 09/01/2018 20:25

Two things honey:

There are people who will help you with your alcoholism. You can get better, and you can be happy.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be having sex with you if you are out of it - the sack of potatoes bit was especially concerning. If you are too drunk to consent, he has no business having sex with you.

I hope you get help and ars better soon love. Shame is a useless emotion and addiction is a disease you can recover from. Feel hope, not shame.

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 20:33

Thanks for all the comments. I even appreciate the ones that says he wouldn't be aware if I was drunk or not. He might have just thought I was asleep.
I text my sister this morning and said I needed to sort myself out. I begged her not to tell our mum (I'm 36 so that's a bit ridiculous!!). My sister also asked how he could not at least know I was drunk as she always knows I am and says it's completely obvious to her. In his defence, his own father had alcohol issues when he was growing up so maybe somebody being drunk is the norm for him.
Tonight he made me dinner and ran me a bath. I really think he does genuinely love me. When I wasn't drinking he said he was proud of me and was encouraging me to keep it up. It is possible he doesn't know how far I've slid back in such a short time.

OP posts:

category12 · 09/01/2018 20:34

If he thought you were asleep, he definitely shouldn't have been having sex with you either.

category12 · 09/01/2018 20:37

He may love you yet at the same time do bad things. These are not incompatible positions.

mistermagpie · 09/01/2018 20:39

My best friend is an alcoholic. I can tell even over the phone when she has had a drink, there is no way he doesn't know you're drunk.

Did just you drink the wine? Or was that between you? Does he still think you're sober is what I'm asking I suppose, but also you can really smell when someone has had wine...

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 20:42

I just had the wine and a vodka afterwards but it wasn't with him- it was when he was out. He has never mentioned smelling drink off me.

OP posts:

category12 · 09/01/2018 20:46

Rest assured, any human being with a sense of smell will detect a bottle of wine on your breath.

CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 20:49

Please please look up abusive men and their tactics.

He has run you a bath and cooked.....that does not make up for him raping you.
What it does is make you question yourself.
He does 1 or 2 nice things and you think aww he is not so bad. Rapists and abusers are bad people and never do nice things.
He clearly loves me cos he has done a nice thing. I must be wrong.

You posted here because you know deep down what hes done is wrong. You just dont have the strength or confidence to run with your instincts.

Seek proffessional support op please.

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