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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blackout Sex- so ashamed of myself

121 replies

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:10

I wasn't sure which category to put this in but basically I am so ashamed of my recent behaviour.

For context, I am an alcoholic as in I have drunk vodka every night for the past couple of years and sometimes/regularly black out because of it. My boyfriend who lives with me found out about this about 6 months ago and has asked me to go for help.

I gave up for 4 weeks in December but have since started it up again. My boyfriend doesn't know I started again although has suspected on a few occasions that I'm drunk.

Anyway, I have been a few times since starting up again that have had me panick:-

Example 1- I apparently had sex with my boyfriend last week and I don't remember at all. I have no recollection of it. He said to me a couple of days afterwards that the sex was great and that he liked that I wanted it and wouldn't take no for an answer. It has worried me that I must be 'wilder' when on the drink and he prefers me like this.

Example 2- last night I got really drunk and blacked out. We watched a programme and I remember about 10 minutes of it. I went up to bed early (vaguely remember this but not all the details). My boyfriend asked if it would be ok if he came up in a bit and 'stuck it in me' and I said I would like that. Anyway, in the middle of the night I got up to go to the toilet and felt like I might have had sex. This morning my boyfriend asked me if I remembered that we had sex last night and I said yes and that he was awesome.

Tonight when I came home he said again about the sex last night and said I was like a 'sack of potatoes'. I just brushed it off and said that was because I was so tired when he came up and was asleep.

I'm so ashamed. Please help me move on from this...

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 09/01/2018 20:50

Yes, no chance he didn't smell it. How odd, why is he acting like he doesn't know you are drinking again? Think about that for a minute in the context of 'he loves me'...

Tryingtogetitright · 09/01/2018 20:53

www.theguardian.com/society/2015/jun/13/my-drinking-years-everyone-has-blackouts-dont-they

Try reading this.... it used to happen to me a lot too. Often out with friends and I'd have no idea how I got home. The friends would say I didn't seem that drunk. This article kind of explains it. I hardly drink these days as I seemed to blackout on fewer and fewer drinks.

Take care OP

Babyblues052 · 09/01/2018 20:59

This thread it so disturbing to me. You're willingly putting yourself in a vulnerable position night after night.

Something isn't right about him. I'd definitely know if my dp was black out drunk. You don't get black out drunk without the other things that go with it like slurring your words and stumbling about ect. I grew up with an alcoholic and definitely knew when he was past the point of just being drunk and into black our drunk.

Plus the smell!!if he's having sex with you you kind of need to be up close and personal how you he not smell the drink!.

This is such a shady situation. Please seek help!

Tryingtogetitright · 09/01/2018 21:01

www.addictionpro.com/article/take-blackouts-seriously

Maybe look at this too?

All the best.

Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 21:03

I don't know what my next plan of action is except that I need to gets over again. I have arranged to meet up with somebody from AA (that I attended briefly) tomorrow. I don't think I'll tell her about this.

My main problem is that he didn't accuse me of being drunk last night as he sometimes does. He possibly had no clue. My sister only for I strange that he asked me if I remembered but as I said she doesn't like him anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 21:03

*Get sober again

OP posts:
category12 · 09/01/2018 21:05

Sacks of spuds / smell of wine on your breath / asking you if you remembered = he knew you were drunk. Stop deluding yourself.

Babyblues052 · 09/01/2018 21:06

It is strange though. Regardless of whether she likes him or not. Why would he ask if he thought you were an active participant? He's asking because he knows you weren't!

GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 21:09

My main problem is that he didn't accuse me of being drunk last night as he sometimes does. He possibly had no clue.

He knew.
He wants you feeling secretive/ashamed/doubting yourself over being drunk that night so that youre not focusing on the rape part!

Pawpainting · 09/01/2018 21:16

Have you posted about him before OP? I remember a similar post where the person had admitted to her DP that she had a drinking problem and he was using it as an excuse to verbally abuse and shame her.

Either way. You need to get away from him. He knows you've been drinking (how can he not, I can smell even one glass of wine off someone's breath) and raping you suspecting that you won't remember it.

Redken24 · 09/01/2018 21:16

Why are you making excuses for his shit behaviour? You have an alcohol problem it does not mean that you automatically need to accept that kind of love.

Quartz2208 · 09/01/2018 21:21

Thinking you were asleep and having sex is just as bad! He knows you are drinking he just likes you too. Telling you is covering himself

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2018 21:28

Omg. A woman posts for help. She's al alcoholic and all some folks do is guess what the boyfriend did or did not know and accuse him of being a rapist? Ignore the fact she drinks till she can't remember? He may have suspected she'd been drinking, but the fact she does not remember didn't mean she did not consent, look at the first example.

I personally can appear quite sober when hammered and my friends are totally shocked I can't remember the next day, some folks don't. But they still can Chat amicably, feed everyone, then later tidy up the living room, switch the lights off and wish everyone good night before taking their make up off, brushing their teeth and going to bed. There is some scientific explanation on why some people forget and others don't. It's about the effect of alcohol on the brain receptors.

I'd focus on the primary problem that's she's asking for help on, which is she is an alcoholic and needs help. If the boyfriend is raping her then it's something that much much more info is required to make an informed decision on.

People undermine the real experiences of women who are raped when they scream abuse and rape simply because a woman can't remember. It absolutely does not mean she could not consent. Scientifically. Medically, it does not always mean that.

Justaboy · 09/01/2018 21:29

You poor soul:(

Get yourself to the AA meeting and make yourself attend that the supposed boyfrend would be there helping you do that rather then raping you as is his wont.

Seems to me he dosent really care for you:(

EvangelineM · 09/01/2018 21:44

Yes, you need to go to the AA. Try to attend a meeting a day, for 90 days. You need to take every day as it comes and not think ahead. One day of sobriety at a time. Clear out any alcohol in the house and avoid anywhere where there is alcohol and anyone that would drink around you. Beating alcohol addiction is so hard but it can be done.

You will be able to get a sponsor and begin the 12 steps.

See your GP. You may be able to take Antabuse, as long as you take the tablet every morning, you will be unable to drink without a very serious reaction. For some people, the thought of a reaction that can even be fatal, is enough to avoid alcohol. It's not for everyone though.

You mentioned feeling depressed, that's very common when sobering up. When you are used to a drunken reality, sober reality is scary and seems dull. Antidepressants can help whilst you get used to a new reality.

As always though, only you can choose whether you really, truly want to quit the drink.

As for the boyfriend, he should not be having sex with you when you are too drunk to know what's happening. And a boyfriend that truly cares, would not take advantage of you in a vulnerable state. Chances are, your self esteem will be too low to see that clearly. Best of luck x

tribpot · 09/01/2018 21:45

It's really important that you tell your AA person the truth. You cannot turn the corner on this problem without accepting it, and being honest about it. Trying to hide it is clearly not working - it's time to try another way.

On one level I also think you should be completely honest with your boyfriend, tell him everything you have said here. On another, I am extremely concerned about what he has done and said - it seems extremely unlikely that he didn't know you were drunk. Your sister says she can always tell. He grew up in a household with drunks, I'm pretty sure he knew too.

Start with honesty at AA and go from there.

CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 21:49

Bluntness
If the OP is so drunk that she has no memory of having sex then surely she was too drunk to consent?
There is a great post called cup if tea (or similar) which explains sexual consent very well.

Nobody is glosding ocer the OPs alcoholisim more or less every post tells her to seek help.

Do you not think the bf line of questioning is sinister?

Awoof · 09/01/2018 21:53

I'm very worried about you OP :(
Please please do get help. I'm another who grew up with an alcoholic. I can smell alcohol a mile off.

Frankly your boyfriend disgusts me. It might take you a while for the scales to fall from your eyes, but until then please make sure you are keeping your financial affairs etc to yourself. Protect yourself.
The love that you are worth is so so much more than this. Listen to your sister.

Sparklesdontshine · 09/01/2018 21:56

Do you live with him? Have you drunk tonight?

SoupDragon · 09/01/2018 22:03

look at the first example.

Look at the second.

It is relevant as he is not the supportive loving partner she thinks he is. This is not going to help her sort out her alcoholism.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 09/01/2018 22:40

OP please try not to beat yourself up as the anxiety will make it much worse. You are blacking out because of the speed at which you are drinking, - this is the curse of secret drinking as you have to get it down your neck as fast as you can- I know this as I have been there many times. It's the speed at which your blood alcohol.is rising too which interferes with your brain biochemistry leading to blackout. Blackout means you don't form memories but it doesn't necessarily mean you will appear drunk - blacking out is very different to passing out (although both things might happen). I too have had sex with DP without remembering - I could also leave all my clothes out neatly for the next morning, take my make up off and brush my teeth and have zero memory of if. So DP would not necessarily have known me to be "drunk " as doing my normal nightly routine and of course, drinking in secret.
We cannot know if your DP is a "good" guy but you need to be honest with yourself. I hope you can get help and stop / cut down drinking.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 09/01/2018 22:49

I'm sorry OP but he scares me.

Why doesn't your sister like him?

He has sex with you when he knows you're too drunk to do anything about it.

Be honest - doesn't that scare you?

Even the most controlled alcoholics can't hide two things, especially on blackout point:

  1. The smell, even after brushing teeth, but also coming off the skin, and
  2. The eyes change

So he knows.

If you were sober for a month he knows well enough the difference between sober you and drunk you.

Hmmmidontknow · 09/01/2018 23:17

Bluntness 100% agree I can have a night where I appear completely nornal... maybe a had a glass or two to others and they've had the same drinks as me but ive blanked out the next day cant remember anything... also same as the op in one situation... complained he wasn't performing orally only for him to say "like I just did?" I must have fallen asleep 😶

Hmmmidontknow · 09/01/2018 23:20

No comments about the situation but just trying to give any insite into others experiences

Cricrichan · 09/01/2018 23:46

I don't know, I think it sounds to me that he's worried that you may have been 'not there' but if you blacked out and seemed awake then he may be confused.

For your health you need to address your drinking. I do too. I know I use it to self medicate because of my relationship. We are splitting up now and I'm slowly cutting down on my drinking as I've also browned/blacked out but didn't realise that it was a thing.