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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Blackout Sex- so ashamed of myself

121 replies

Beetlebum01 · 09/01/2018 19:10

I wasn't sure which category to put this in but basically I am so ashamed of my recent behaviour.

For context, I am an alcoholic as in I have drunk vodka every night for the past couple of years and sometimes/regularly black out because of it. My boyfriend who lives with me found out about this about 6 months ago and has asked me to go for help.

I gave up for 4 weeks in December but have since started it up again. My boyfriend doesn't know I started again although has suspected on a few occasions that I'm drunk.

Anyway, I have been a few times since starting up again that have had me panick:-

Example 1- I apparently had sex with my boyfriend last week and I don't remember at all. I have no recollection of it. He said to me a couple of days afterwards that the sex was great and that he liked that I wanted it and wouldn't take no for an answer. It has worried me that I must be 'wilder' when on the drink and he prefers me like this.

Example 2- last night I got really drunk and blacked out. We watched a programme and I remember about 10 minutes of it. I went up to bed early (vaguely remember this but not all the details). My boyfriend asked if it would be ok if he came up in a bit and 'stuck it in me' and I said I would like that. Anyway, in the middle of the night I got up to go to the toilet and felt like I might have had sex. This morning my boyfriend asked me if I remembered that we had sex last night and I said yes and that he was awesome.

Tonight when I came home he said again about the sex last night and said I was like a 'sack of potatoes'. I just brushed it off and said that was because I was so tired when he came up and was asleep.

I'm so ashamed. Please help me move on from this...

OP posts:

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 13/01/2018 22:04

Please help me. Should I do anything about this? Last night I wasn't very drunk but still had a few. I went up to bed and he said he wasn't tired and would be up in half an hour or so. He came to bed after a couple of hours and because of previous experiences I tried to 'play dead' to see what he would do. He actually did have sex with me and seemed to be getting excited by it even though I was hardly moving. He didn't come though (sorry if tmi). This morning I got out of bed at 9.30 and left him there. Later on I spotted he'd had a wank and was very annoyed about that. This destroys my already fragile self esteem.

OP posts:

Engorged · 13/01/2018 22:27

He had sex with you when he thought you were asleep and could not consent. Thats rape.

Your boyfriend raped you on those previous occassions too. Im sorry op.

The fact you have to ask if you should do anything suggests that you really arent ready for any relationship. And no one is ready or should put up with a relationship with a rapist.

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2018 22:43

Sadly you have you answer. I’m sorry

BettyBaggins · 13/01/2018 22:51

Have you been to AA yet? Can I ask why you didnt stop your b/f?

Isetan · 14/01/2018 08:09

No one is going to parachute into your life and rescue/ fix this relationship. The sad truth is he will abuse you for ever how long you let him. There is no parallel universe where he’s different, this is who he is and as long as you keep asking the question that you can not answer, namely ‘why is he like this?’, you will stay stuck. The question you should be asking is ‘why do I accept his appalling behaviour?’ and the good news is, with support you can answer that question.

WallisFrizz · 14/01/2018 08:36

I’m sorry but I don’t remember the boyfriend telling her that she was asleep. Sack of potatoes is not a pleasant term but is just as likely to intimate that she was (consensually)letting him have sex with her but not doing anything to/for him. Crap sex with someone who has appears a bit drunk but able to consent (and he did ask her and she does remember this) does not equal rape.

The op states she’d had one bottle of wine and a vodka. I would be able to consent on that and would probably remember it.

That said, in my 20s, I had a couple of episodes of having sex whilst drunk and not rembering it due to alcohol. I remember the build up and I had no doubt that I was a willing partner (regular partner also drunk). Not my proudest moments but I don’t for a minute think I was raped.

I’m not saying he 100% didn’t rape her but I think internet strangers who weren’t there can’t declare him a rapist. OP has to go with her gut instinct and yes, if she is uncomfortable, she needs to leave him or have a frank conversation with him about her drinking, her blackouts and sex.

WallisFrizz · 14/01/2018 08:37

Oh god, I’ve just read your most recent post. Ignore what I just said.

Engorged · 14/01/2018 08:59

Yes definetely, the last update is what shows the horror. Op are you somewhere safe?

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 14/01/2018 09:20

Yes, I've been to AA. I'm actually going to a meeting tonight. I'm going to a later one as it means I have to drive to it and I wouldn't drink and drive.

I was drinking yesterday when I wrote the update (as I'm sure many people could tell) but what I wrote wasn't exaggerated. I wasn't drunk when he was having sex with me and I just wanted to see if I lay still and pretended to be sleeping whether he would still continue. I know that sounds crazy as any sane person would have stopped him.

OP posts:

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 14/01/2018 09:26

Well, there is no doubt now that he is raping you. What do you think you should do?

Angelf1sh · 14/01/2018 09:34

Op it’s a little weird that you didn’t say anything to stop him and even weirder that you’re annoyed he had a wank. Anyway. Seemingly you are now of the view he’s excited by having sex with you without your involvement or apparent consent. You need to end this abusive relationship before it harms you further. You also need to join AA and get some support to stop drinking. If you don’t, you’ll always be vulnerable to more abuse from him or others.

Emmageddon · 14/01/2018 10:10

Keep going to AA. Find a sponsor who will support your sobriety. Get rid of the boyfriend and work on raising your self-esteem. You're worth more than this.

ASauvignonADay · 14/01/2018 10:16

I suspect that he knows every time you are drunk 😔

BattleCuntGalactica · 14/01/2018 10:26

If you're blacked out, you can't consent and he knows that, so he's basically raped you.

Secondly, please, please get some professional help for your alcoholism. You need a support network to recover. I'd also suggest you get some counselling to deal with the fact that your boyfriend is trash.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 14/01/2018 19:40

Have to say my advice is similar to others. Please get rid of him and please lean into AA. You will not recognise yourself in a few months.

Cricrichan · 14/01/2018 19:54

I'm so sorry to hear this op. He deliberately waits for you to pass out to rape you. He gets off on it :(

Original poster

Beetlebum01 · 15/01/2018 19:22

I went to AA last night and it really helped me. I will keep going as I was speaking to a few people there and they said the main thing is that I have a desire to stop drinking even if I haven't seen yet that I need to completely give up alcohol.

I know it seems strange that I didn't stop him the other night but in some ways I don't even care what happens to me if that makes sense. I just blocked it out and let him continue. I've realised I don't like myself very much. In the 4 weeks I gave up I was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel but I got depressed and the cycle started again.

I am torn as I cling on to him half the time wanting him to love me properly and spend the rest of my time filled with rage towards him. I feel trapped.

OP posts:

Emmageddon · 15/01/2018 19:40

Stick with AA. Go to as many meetings as you can. Ask someone to be your sponsor and work the steps. Believe in yourself. You don't need this toxic man, and while he is in your life, you will continue to feel trapped and that is no way to live.

WellDoneTiger · 15/01/2018 22:44

Please also speak to Womens' Aid. You are doing really well to go to AA. WA can help you with other alcohol support and of course with the rape and abuse. This is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT.

Bluebelle38 · 16/01/2018 02:37

Great website www.soberrecovery.com

Keep going, you can do this!!👍

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2018 03:56

He is not your future. You can recover, seek help and get better. He is not part of that.

Please keep accessing support.

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