Blackout Sex- so ashamed of myself

[Beetlebum01]

I wasn't sure which category to put this in but basically I am so ashamed of my recent behaviour.

For context, I am an alcoholic as in I have drunk vodka every night for the past couple of years and sometimes/regularly black out because of it. My boyfriend who lives with me found out about this about 6 months ago and has asked me to go for help.

I gave up for 4 weeks in December but have since started it up again. My boyfriend doesn't know I started again although has suspected on a few occasions that I'm drunk.

Anyway, I have been a few times since starting up again that have had me panick:-

Example 1- I apparently had sex with my boyfriend last week and I don't remember at all. I have no recollection of it. He said to me a couple of days afterwards that the sex was great and that he liked that I wanted it and wouldn't take no for an answer. It has worried me that I must be 'wilder' when on the drink and he prefers me like this.

Example 2- last night I got really drunk and blacked out. We watched a programme and I remember about 10 minutes of it. I went up to bed early (vaguely remember this but not all the details). My boyfriend asked if it would be ok if he came up in a bit and 'stuck it in me' and I said I would like that. Anyway, in the middle of the night I got up to go to the toilet and felt like I might have had sex. This morning my boyfriend asked me if I remembered that we had sex last night and I said yes and that he was awesome.

Tonight when I came home he said again about the sex last night and said I was like a 'sack of potatoes'. I just brushed it off and said that was because I was so tired when he came up and was asleep.

I'm so ashamed. Please help me move on from this...

He knows when you’ve been drinking (alcoholics always over estimate their skill at hiding it) and has figured out that when you have been, that sex is his reward wether your conscious or not.

You’re either praising his sexual prowess or are being apologetic for not being enthusiastic enough, where are you in this? When did sex become all about his needs and your shame? Right now, you’ve framed alcohol as the source of your problems and therefore your to blame and your bf is the victim. From what you’ve written, it isn’t as black and white as you think and your bf has found a way to make your alcoholism work for him and that’s a very dangerous place for you to be in.

First things first, you need to get professional support for your alcoholism. If it was in your power to stop permanently on your own, you would have done it already.

Your relationship with your bf, isn’t a safe haven from your problems, it’s become a facet of them.

You might not think it's obvious you have been drinking but 100% it will be. You will smell of wine for one thing.

It's like he is punishing you for drinking again via raping you when you are drunk. He knows you won't admit being drunk to him a d so he carries on.

The whole thing is toxic.

First off you need to get help for your alcoholism.

But you need to bin him off also. Can you tell him you have been drinking again?

Do you want to stop drinking? That really the crux of this. And do you have adequate support if you do decide to? You need to speak to your GP, going cold turkey off alcohol can lead to seizures, or at he least anxiety. Also you need to contact AA- but this is your choice. I understand your post is not about your partner, but I call BS- I don’t believe that he isn’t aware you’re an alcoholic. You spent a month sober, and now are having blackouts- you can’t hide that. So either he’s ignoring it because he loves you and hopes you’ll stop, or he’s ignoring it because it suits him to the ignore it. Would he be supportive if you went on a proper recovery programme? I hope you are able to seek the help you need

@Tryingtogetitright

Interesting article...

OP needs to get rid of the bf and get herself in to recovery.

I do genuinely want to stop drinking and have for a long time. I realise it is making me anxious and depressed. 4 weeks was such a long time for me as I had had a drink practically everyday for the last two years. I need to get back into that mindset again and turn my life around. Hopefully my friend today and set me on the right path to permanently quitting.

You have to look at it as you setting yourself on the road to recovery, no-one else can do it for you.

Beetlebum my mum was alcoholic- I new by looking at her as soon as I walked in a room if she had had a drink - I could just tell. This was from around ages 10
There's the change in demeanour
The smell (even the next morning/after strong food/cleaned teeth)
Facial expression
Speech
The way she sat
Her breathing
Her voice
The way she was sitting
Her gait
Arm movements

If you like with a drinker you know they've had a drink even if it's not mentioned you just know. I do t think there's anyway your boyfriend didn't know (sorry)

Please get sober - it's such a slippery lonely slope. My mum lost her battle eventually

Good luck with your friend today OP, you know you can do this, you did it before. Everyone has hiccups and setbacks, this is yours, now it's time to try for sobriety again.

Hopefully my friend today and set me on the right path to permanently quitting.

Yeah right, be honest with yourself. Sobriety isn't a choice your ready to commit to, otherwise it wouldn't still be the obvious elephant in the room in your relationship. Your friend simply doesn't have the power to set you on the right path, if you aren't prepared to go all in.

The only person that can set you on the right path is you. I wish you well.,

Have you read the DRY thread on this board? There are a lot of useful blogs & books recommended. And things like taking b vitamins & a new habit for the whenever your danger zone start time is.
Ultimately though real life support is needed too. Maybe CBT if you don't feel like going to a group.
Now is the time though. You stopped for a whole month by yourself. You have strength. But get help with the reasons why you drink like this. Why you can't stop at one or two drinks.
I haven't had a drink in a few weeks but it also puts me in a false sense of security that I don't have any issue with drink. If I'm truly honest with myself I know if I have one glass on a Friday night it's a slippery slope & it never ends well.
I'm ordering this book today www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1845903900/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=jason+vale+alcohol&dpPl=1&dpID=51qQ7WALTGL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1515578499&sr=8-1

I wish you well op & that this is the beginning of a happier time of your life.

First of all, well done for recognising its an issue and for the 4 week sobriety, it shows you can stop.

My sister is an alcoholic. Has had issues with drink for years. This last week we have had a bit of a break through with her, many years ago something happened to her when she was out of it, she was raped by three guys. She blocked it out, she never told anyone or reported it because she had a reputation at the time, for being very free. Always when drunk. Since then her problem with alochol has worsened and although she has tried to sort herself out, alcohol is her only friend. Every single mistake she ever made in her life, all related to alcohol. Its a crazy self perpetuating circle.

After this awful incident, she drank whenever she was low or anxious as a coping mechanism. She has reached the stage now she may lose her 7 year old son, he house, her job and quite frankly the best boyfriend she has ever had who will stand by her. But she needs to stop drinking.

Your bf is taking advantage of you, and you need to get sober for yourself. You can't carry on like this its destructive, but you already know that. You need to work on your self esteem too.

Please talk to your GP and just pick up the phone to AA in your area. I spoke to AA over christmas for advice and the person I spoke to was lovely. They have something called 12 steppers, who are always on thew end of the phone and available to come and visit you when you are feeling things are tough.

Please don't leave this for another 17 years like my sister did, she has wasted so much of her life. I have been round problem drinkers all my life and I can tell as soon as someone has had one or two drinks, even from the phone. Subtle changes in voice, attitude, demeanour etc.

Good luck.

Thank you for sharing the story about your sister @pudding21. Very sad to hear but hopefully she has now had the breakthrough her family have wanted for so long. By the sounds of it enough of her life has been wasted due to alcohol.

As way of an update, I met my friend for coffee tonight and am going to a meeting tomorrow. I also told her about the sex thing but she didn't seem that shocked and said this used to happen between her and her exh as well. Maybe it's an alcoholic thing, unfortunately.

If the OP is so drunk that she has no memory of having sex then surely she was too drunk to consent

No that's the thing. As I have said I can appear quite sober, i just don't make memories, it's very common and I suspect a lot of people don't understand it if it has never happened to them.

Here is a link below, but yes, you can be walking, talking,and appear fully able to consent but have no recollection the next day. Some people are more susceptible than others. As said my friends are always shocked when I say I can't recall, you can see it on their faces, they are confused, because I appeared lucid, I tidied up, Washed thr glasses, conversed, switched the lights off and went to bed, after brushing my teeth, taking my make up off and plaiting my hair. I won't remember a thing about it the next day.

That's why I'm concerned about calling the boyfriend a rapist based on the little evidence provided. The op could easily have appeared able to consent and done so and have no recollection. In fact in her first example she didn't even just consent, she instigated.

www.drugrehab.com/addiction/alcohol/blackouts/

Maybe it's an alcoholic thing, unfortunately

No, it's not an alcoholic thing, as I'm not an alcoholic by anyone's standards. It's an alcohol thing. Sometimes if we drink we do not create memories. This does not mean you were not able to consent and were not walking and talking normally.

Yes, I suspect he guessed you'd been drinking, hence why he asked you, he's clearly concerned but unless you were presenting as pissed as well etc it's likely he didn't know how drunk you were.

He certainly knew that you had been drinking - the smell is obvious (even after a sip!)

He knows that you are an alcoholic/ have drink problem... so is aware that you don't just stop at a sip and will drink till you don't have a clear idea of what is happening to you.

It does seem that even though he is lovely in other ways, he is taking advantage of your state in a way that is hard to justify!

Please do get help OP - you have taken the first step. Hang on to the fact that it is possible to get through this. AA is full of people who have been deep down in the same hole and who know the way out.

I have been in this situation when I've been drinking. Apparently, I'm up for anything but have no memory in the morning! BUT, my STBX knew I'd been drinking and probably took advantage of me, on numerous occasions. I don't blame him, I blame myself for getting into that state. Now you are aware of it you need to do something about it. Can you gradually cut down the amount you drink? Ask your OH for help with this? Sorry, not much help but wishing you strength to get help. x

You need help with your alcohol addiction and your abusive boyfriend. He’s totally taking advantage of you while you’re drunk. Both the examples you give is him raping you. He said “you wouldn’t take no for an answer” but if you can’t remember that how do you know? The second time you were clearly unconscious by what he said. Revolting bastard.

it's likely he didn't know how drunk you were.

Except he admits she was lying there “like a sack of potatoes” in the second example. In the first, he claims she was enthusiastic. There is a clear difference between the two.

I do not hink he he concerned about the OP at all, I think he is concerned about himself in this instance.

Nevertheless, the OP has taken the first step back to sobriety. Any relationship issues are separate and secondary to that beyond bearing in mind he may not be the great partner she thinks he is.

Oh I give up. This thread really should be about the op and her drinking problems. Derailing it to argue the boyfriend is a rapist is appaling. I've even provided a link to the evidence to show that you can be acting quite normally, there is no way to tell someone is not making memories by looking at them and talking to them, unless they present as very pissed.

Sure he guessed she'd been drinking but this is a long way from knowing she was unable to make memories,

And unable to make memories (black out) does not in any world mean you're not fully walking and talking and appear able to make decisions.

What is it with folks On here? A woman explains she is drinking and can't control it and some folks all they can shout is your partners a rapist, even when presented with scientific evidence that proves that may well not be the case.

The fact she can't remember is her fault. She is the one who drank. He cannot be held responsible for not being able to guess this to be the case,

Yes she lay there like a sack of potatoes, what does this mean? Was she passed out or just not that into it? She needs to explain further. And to say he is a rapist when she instigated it and insisted is beyond deranged.

All sex is not rape. All drunken sex is not rape. The fact the person cannot remember is not in any way shape nor form synonymous with being unable to consent.

Could he have raped her and she was unable to consent, yes, of course, but we'd need a huge amount more information on how she was presenting and acting to make that decision. Because it could have been either scenario. None of us know and neither does she.

The answer here is she needs to stop bloody drinking to excess.

Bluntness, I think you need to reread the 2nd example.

I’m late to the thread and have only read the first page but if your boyfriend is asking you if you remembered sex then he knows damn well that you were very drunk when it happened. If he was saying you were like a sack of potatoes then he knows damn well you weren’t conscious. I’m sorry OP but your boyfriend has raped you. He knows it too. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you everyone for your comments. @Bluntness100 I tend to agree with you in that I don't think my boyfriend is a rapist. I think if he read this thread he would be horrified as he would probably never deem his behaviour as being perceived as that. Tbh I can't provide any further information as to the differences in my behaviour in examples 1 and 2 as I have absolutely no recollection of either. That is the truly scary thing and the reason I am feeling so ashamed of myself. I got myself into that state and it was my decision to drink to oblivion.

I might bring the other night up again to clarify what he means about me being like 'a sack of potatoes'. I suppose that wasn't a very nice thing to say regardless of the situation although he did say it jokingly.