How has childhood abuse affected your life?

[Wollstonecraft1]

It has affected so many elements of my life;

I am very overweight and I think it is, in part, because my abuser used to tell me he sexually abused me because I was so beautiful. I feel like once I had my children with DH, a subconscious switch was flicked, and I decided I didn't need to be beautiful anymore as I had the children I wanted.

Sex, I don't think I would ever have sex again if it was down to me. I love DH and I don't hate sex once we start, but I know I wouldn't seek it.

Even my interactions with the children are coloured by it, I find it very hard to have them touching me uninvited all the time.

I feel like I kept it at bay during my twenties but that I'm not really managing it now I'm getting older. Anyone else have their day to day lives affected?

You poor thing. It's shit isn't it? I've bee trying to find the words to post on the Stately Homes thread for a while... just not got there. Plenty of abuse when I was a child, some that no one knows about. I find it hard being a parent. I admit to copying other mum's and seeing what they do as I haven't got any good role models iyswim. Does your DH know about your abuse?

I was neglected, no physical abuse. DM was neglected and she had no template to work with, for what a mother should do. I grew up with zero affection, both physical and verbal. I don't think DM ever smiled at me or because of me. I didn't make her happy.

My DS lights up my world. I tell him every day how much I love him. Every so often DM does something that makes me wonder how on earth she could give birth and raise kids without love or emotion. She did her best, but it just wasn't good enough. Yes she was neglected and didn't know what to do. It was her job to find out what to do, how to care for, love and protect her children.

I won't let my child down in the way she let me and DB down.

Upyer, yes he knows but I don't really mention how I feel about it now because I don't like talking about it.

DailyMail, it is great that you are able to make your DS so loved. Mine also know how much I cherish them. I'm sorry to hear you have both been through awful childhoods too.

I didn't realise I had anger issues until I had children. My ability to deal with their antics/lack of maturity/etc was basically nil. I watched in horror as a child as my father abused my db, but somehow internalised it and watched again in horror as my own father bubbled up inside of me. I hated myself.

I've been able to overcome it and although I do get angry from time to time, I am not abusive. Thank God.

It has made me more tolerant of other people. You never know what shit someone is dealing with.

daily I worry that I'm shit at parenting and my DDs will be sitting in counselling years from now because of me. No question of how much we all love each other but life is so bloody hard - a slog. I'm mostly
ploughing through the days.

woll I guess you've been through counselling?

Emotional and verbal abuse throughout my childhood and watching my mum and brothers being abused. Like you I feel like I held it together in my twenties; it's as I get holder that I realise how much its damaged me. I'm ok but not ok really. I don't make good decisions.

How have you overcome it, Rosie? I get snappy with them when they don't listen to me, but nothing on the scale of what I endured.

@Wollstonecraft1 I read umpteen parenting books, attempted counselling (I think it was group counselling), counting to 10, etc etc, but the major life-altering change came when I took up daily meditation. I started it as a lark, not really taking it seriously, but after commiting to a 40 day programme, I noticed a difference after about two weeks. At the end of the 40 days, it was like a switch had flipped inside me and I wasn't fighting off the anger anymore - the anger wasn't even there.

I've stopped and started a bit since that defining moment, but I recommitted a couple of years ago and I've been meditating every day without fail for something like 950 days in a row now. It has had a huge positive impact in my life and is really a deep part of who I am now. I'll never stop.

I had lots of counselling in my early 20's and tried to make sense of it all. I find a lot of the emotions come back to me now I am a parent. Things I think I have understood and forgiven come back and I wonder why? Looking at the same situation through more mature eyes and as a parent myself I'm finding I can't forgive it anymore.

I fully accept I will get things wrong with my own kid but hope he judges me only after he is a parent himself. I read lots of parenting books/phycology articles; trying to make sense of my past and how I can heal myself and not make those mistakes. Having online support is a great way of getting unbiased opinions and checking what 'normal' is. That's one of the things I love about MN.

rosie that's very impressive. I'm angry at all sorts of things. It takes all my effort not to rage . Counting to 10, deep breaths, leaving the room. Have explained some of this to my dds. Perhaps I should try meditation. I'd like a quiet inner, if that makes sense.

It’s crippling in loads of ways... verbal, emotional, physical abuse here and emotional neglect. I’ve been in psychotherapy for about 18 months now and I’m just beginning to build up some confidence with my therapist to talk about what happened. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, totally life changing to have a compassionate witness.

I think it’s affected me in how I relate to people - exploring the emotional block I have in developing relationships at the moment - e.g. if someone told me about their family plans at Christmas I would clam up, because sharing that I have no happy family to link up with at Christmas makes me feel like I’m being negative, bringing the mood down, looking for sympathy, being needy etc. So I end up not sharing anything of myself, there’s no mutual sharing or trust built, and my relationships never develop unless people are very persistent with me (and persistent people are often abusive of boundaries to different extents so don’t necessarily make for healthy relationships).

It’s affected my relationship with my son - only as I’ve been exploring it in therapy have I been able to explain to him that everyone has a bubble of personal space and sometimes I feel a bit delicate and don’t want him in my bubble. He’s 4. On bad days where his energetic prancing triggers me and makes me feel grumpy I ask him to stay out of my bubbble for a little bit until I feel less tense and happier to let him in, and if he wants a cuddle he asks permission to come into my bubble.

It’s made me a people pleaser - I’ve grown up pleasing my mum to avoid being hit or shouted at, and this pattern has played out all my life with any authority figures eg I find it very difficult to be myself with managers or authority figures at work. I blush, struggle to get words out or think on the spot.

I’ve grown up not knowing how to talk about emotions, not feeling safe to express my emotions. Anger was explosive in my house growing up - hitting, slamming doors etc, but also mixed in with being brought up in a strict religious household where expressing anger was wrong!! Very confusing to grow up in.

Yes sex affected too - guilt for doing it (against religious morals before I was married even though I was an adult!), feelings of shame having my DH look at me, feeling intensely vulnerable in a triggered kind of way with the intimacy. Wanting to run away from it and cover up.

I’ve patched a load of coping mechanisms into my life - overeating for comfort (literally swallowing down painful feelings), overspending/shopping as a way to escape/dissociate, filling my time with shallow friendships to stay busy. The compulsion to do all these faded with about a year of therapy.

Reason ‘Complex PTSD’ by Pete Walker was a total revelation to me - the idea that it wasn’t just me being hopeless and that there was a reason I over-ate, over-spent, struggled to be me was a huge relief and eye-opener.

There’s a great forum called HAVOCA for adult victims of child abuse which I’ve found so supportive - www.havoca.org

I found this helpful in beginning to articulate why I wasn’t happy with some areas of my life - www.ppfoundation.co.uk/childhood-abuse/

They say your own lived experience is the most valuable, being connected to yourself, using your feelings as your guide etc. But I think when you’ve been brought up without a language to express your feelings and without being taught how to identify them, knowledge is the next best catalyst to change and to help you begin to access yourself again.

All the best on your journeys.

How do you do meditation?

Thanks, Upyer. I don't tell people the number of days as a way to brag or anything, but just as proof that anyone can do it (because I'm scatterbrained, disorganised, etc!). Just find a method that works for you - I practice Kundalini Yoga and Meditation, and my meditiation of choice is called Kirtan Kriya. huffpost article

I really don't have any scientific information about this particular meditation or Kundalini Yoga in general, but it has definitely had a positive influence in my life so that's all the proof I need. :)

I'm in exactly the same boat, OP. I can't cope with my 2 DDs (8 and 5) jumping on me from behind, I jump and find myself pushing them away. I hate it because they're adopted and I don't want them to feel like I'm rejecting them. But I hate feeling my personal space is being invaded.

I know what you mean about my physical appearance. My father abused me and my DSis (and others did too) and he went on about how my face was pretty, and now I can't stop myself damaging it, picking at my lip and at zits on my face. I know I take after his family in appearance and I hate that.

I've always struggled with my weight as well. It's like I'm on self destruct sometimes!!

It's so hard, isn't it??

God, in so many ways.

I'm hyper vigilant. I had to be able to read my abusers like books to know what kind of day I was going to have. Tiny changes in expression, voice, the way they carried themselves etc. I knew when to squirrel away and stay out of the way, and when it was safe to be out of my room to be able to do stuff. I still watch people closely even when I know they're safe. It's a habit I've never been able to shake and probably never will. My mind always runs ten steps ahead of what is going on at the time.

I developed a peculiar eating disorder as a kid that would now be classed as "otherwise undefined", because it was related to my step father. I stopped eating because I thought he was poisoning all my food and that I would die. Then it progressed and became irrational so I thought that no matter where I was, school, home, grandparents etc, that he was secretly making them poison me and that I couldn't trust any food. I was only about twelve when that happened I think. Bits of it are blurry. I also hated the way I looked too, some of it was down to gender dysphoria, so THAT didn't help.

I never know how to ask for things for ME, I always put myself last to try and please rather than asking for my needs to be fulfilled. Fortunately my partner knows this and is incredibly empathetic and knows how my brain works, so he will pull it out of me even if I feel sheepish for not just asking for things up front. I have kept silent about feeling ill, hungry, thirsty etc so as not to be a problem to someone or to put them into inconvenience.

If someone points at a camera at me, i will freak out and move away. My friends and remaining family know not to do this, but anyone who points a camera at me without asking permission, well it won't end well. I've grabbed cameras and phones out of peoples hands before and deleted photos from them with me in, because I've got such bad trauma surrounding me in photos that i can't cope with people having them. It's not a vanity thing, it's a bona fide traumatic response. Of course this means people have said I'm a drama queen cos it's just a photo, but god I can't help the way I react.

There was a point (before i went into therapy) that a certain colour would trigger the fuck out of me - again folks have looked at me as if I'm bonkers, but trauma attaches itself to really innocuous stuff sometimes. Truth is that yes it IS bonkers to have a debilitating reaction to a specific colour, which is why i got help for it. Trauma is not rational. I learned to stop apologising for what sets me off and try to deal with it instead. If people dismiss traumatic responses, then I don't want to be around them, full stop.

I could go on, but I don't want to accidentally write a novel on how childhood abuse has mangled my brainmeats.

I was abused and neglected -- real sick shit. It has affected me in many ways, including my weight. I've struggled with depression most of my life. Lots of other stuff....

I've spent a lot of time in counseling, and I've been in and out of counseling. The first time I went was before I had children. I went back after having children, and then again when they reached the age that the sexual abuse had started. One thing I've found is that I can only heal so much at any stage, and then new stages bring new things up.

At the same time, raising my children has been very healing. Giving them the love and care they need has filled in a hole in me. I didn't have those nurturing experiences from the child role, but having them from the parent role means that I still have them. I've been a part of it, and that's wonderful. And the horrific family patterns stopped with me.

I also found yoga very helpful. A good yoga class is like a moving meditation. I was so cut off from my body that I honestly couldn't feel much of anything. Getting into different positions and just breathing helped me reclaim my body. If you are interested in this path, "Yoga and the quest for the true self" by Stephen Cope is a great book. He is a former therapist and the book is about people who've used yoga to heal from trauma. There is another good book called "Trauma releasing exercises."

Peace be the journey.

Sorry to hear about everyone's experiences. I have had counselling numerous times over the years but I never felt it has been very helpful.

I think exercising more would be generally good for my wellbeing but it is hard to find the energy most of the time.

Quite badly...

I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, reclusiveness, and like someone mentioned above a constant state of hyper vigilance which means biologically I'm always in "flight vs fight mode" and suffer witch lots of fevers/colds/upset tummies/sweats/night terrors.

I've only just recently gone NC with my abuser (my mum) and well, it's taken me until now (31) for me to really unravel the extent of her damage. Her behaviour towards me has also predisposed me to ending up in some very shitty relationships which no doubt has also contributed to the above mental health situation.

I have food issues but I ave realised I'm hurting myself not them.

I've never got over my first love but he told me a year ago he can't talk to me anymore and I find it so hard some days.

I think men only want me for my body was sexually abused, never typed that before as I'm not pretty and boys don't like you being cleverer than them.

I have tolerated people treating me like shit.

I have had depression, attachment disorder, think I might have bipolar but ignoring that.

Hate myself.

Don't want to think of any more.

Oh year, sounds pretty crappy. probably not the done thing, but here's a hug.

YearsToRemember - keep reaching out and keep posting. Hugs

For me, life long low level depression. People pleaser, hyper vigilant. I'll literally suss out peoples moods and then relax if it's all ok, which it is invariably is. Being jumpy.

Getting overwhelmed with too much going on. Hate lots of noise and shouting. I sometimes freeze when my own kids go hell for leather on the shouty strops. I think the world is going to end but it's just a shouty strop.

Complete lack of confidence which has pervaded most of my life.

Not being able to reach out or talk. Going in on myself, hiding, avoiding. I've been called aloof and a snotty bitch.

I had huge issues with my DM when my first was born. I couldn't understand how she could leave me crying and be so cold. She told me of a story once where i was crying and clinging to her legs. I'd just woken up from an afternoon nap and she stopped me having naps after that. I probably just needed a cuddle. My view of my DM has changed irrevocably since having my own kids. I know that she didn't mean it to hurt and she had a traumatic childhood but it sucks.

Still scared of my DF even though I'm NC.

Oh and i forgot. Problem drinking my whole life. Cheers...

When I am around other people, I feel like I have to be "on." I can't really relax around others, even close friends, my spouse, and my children. I need time completely alone to recharge my batteries.

Another one now in my thirties and only really properly understanding the damage my childhood has caused. I lost my main carer at a very early age, grew up witnessing and trying to prevent DB being assaulted, I myself was sexually assaulted for three years as a child and when it came out, was given no belief, support or anything else. Heaps more but I won't go on.

As an older teen I developed a drink problem, I had no real sense of self and would basically copy everyone around me to fit in. The need to prove myself, be accepted and worthy was unreal. I couldn't accept any sort of failure from myself. I was promiscuous, I thought my value was in sex and that sex = love.

I was always super thin, I think I ran on nervous energy and developed acute anxiety. I've had two major depressive episodes and now plan on staying on antidepressants for good.

I rushed into a very early marriage and had four children in very quick succession. I believe now, that I had so little self esteem, I was desperate to be loved and have a 'real family'. It went wrong, of course, after nine years and I divorced him.

Four years ago, I finally had counselling and went NC with members of my family. Since then I've gone from strength to strength. Remarried now, happily so. I don't drink at all anymore and try to live positively.

However, every single day, no matter what's going on or how hard I try not to, I catch myself thinking about my childhood, the toxic people from it, the path my life took. I don't think I will ever stop.

As a parent, I will not smack. I do raise my voice sometimes. I am not very affectionate in a physical sense with my children, but I never turn them away if they want affection. I show affection in jokey, teasing behaviour, being silly with them. I find physical affection really uncomfortable, regardless of how much I love my children.

Finally, I'm very much anti social. I prefer my own little bubble, my DH, the kids, dog and work colleagues at work, that's it. I don't really have any friends and that's because I simply wouldn't put any effort into maintaining a friendship. Pretty dysfunctional I guess.