How has childhood abuse affected your life?

[Wollstonecraft1]

It has affected so many elements of my life;

I am very overweight and I think it is, in part, because my abuser used to tell me he sexually abused me because I was so beautiful. I feel like once I had my children with DH, a subconscious switch was flicked, and I decided I didn't need to be beautiful anymore as I had the children I wanted.

Sex, I don't think I would ever have sex again if it was down to me. I love DH and I don't hate sex once we start, but I know I wouldn't seek it.

Even my interactions with the children are coloured by it, I find it very hard to have them touching me uninvited all the time.

I feel like I kept it at bay during my twenties but that I'm not really managing it now I'm getting older. Anyone else have their day to day lives affected?

@PawsyMcPawFace I was the same when I became a mother regarding my own parents. It was another turning point when I began to see them in a true light. I was so so angry that they could have treated DB and I in such ways, and yet it also for a while seemed to confirm the lack of self esteem. Was I so terrible they couldn't treat me well? Of course I don't think that now, but becoming a parent changes everything when it comes to really seeing your own childhood.

Ok... I over analysed the situation for years but at some point years ago, I decided that things that happened in 3 months of my early life were NOT going to define the life I led. and that the main damage (fear) was not something I was willing to pass to my child as a preventive measure.

I have, however, tried to ensure he felt comfortable to talk to me if he ever found himself in the same position. When he did, although not as serious as it could be, I was not prepared to brush things under the carpet but at the same time, I didn’t want to over “support” him as I didn’t want to make a huge issue of it unless he made it himself, IYKWIM

My mother was very cruel to me and I was a target of bullying for many years, but again, I think this has made me a better parent. I often tell DS how much I love him and how very proud I’m of him. I’m the parent but he is an equal in this team, obviously, I don’t allow him to rule the house, but I always ensure that we both get to be at the front of a queue in similar measure.

I don’t hit him, I don’t minimise him and value his opinions. Now, this has not made me an over protective parent, I let him deal with the consequences of his own actions or lack of, as being the black sheep of the family also made me the most resilient and independent of my siblings. He has his own freedoms and we have lived by the saying “what happens to you does NOT define who you are” since he was very young.

YearofYouRemember, I also had a lot of issues when my DC were born. I think it is quite common. All we can do is keep showing them that we love them and break the cycle.

for you

Thank you for the flowers everyone. I send you all the same. Just feel really down today. Another thread has rammed home yet again there is something I'll never get over and it hurts.

Year, I hope you are ok. I usually keep these feelings and thoughts buried deep but I’m not sure that is doing me any favours anymore.

Hopefully NC for this.

Physical and emotional abuse from an older sister from the ages of about 8 to 11 ish. I was petrified of her and basically had to do everything she told me otherwise she would physically abuse me and threaten to tell my parents something which, looking back is really not the bad but as a child, seemed monumental and actually my parents would have dealt with it appropriately. I can't remember what age it started but I was young enough that my mum was still bathing me and would question the bruises which I would explain as falling off my bike, falling out of a tree, one of the kids I was playing with hit me or pushed me over.

My main issue is with food. I wasn't allowed to eat anything until she gave me permission with a nod. Any treats I had to save for her, I could only eat the veg in a roast dinner, she had the good stuff.

I am now significantly overweight and have an issue with food. I hoard chocolate because I know it's mine, no one is going to take it away for me and I delight in seeing a hug pile of it. But then I eat it eventually. Likewise with anything nice - cake, biscuits etc. I eat too much because I can.

I was also her slave and had to do absolutely everything for her. Surprisingly, I think that's turned me into a caring person but I also let people take the piss sometimes.

Never had counselling, I'm not sure if it would help my situation. I also don't talk about it, my husband and close friends don't know. It's buried.

Woolstonecraft1 - I had therapy last year which was great, and worked really well, but it also opened up so much more and made me realise how bad my childhood had been and how screwed up I am. I'm confused as to whether it was worth it.

Donkeygirl - forgive me for just wading in. Something you said about your eating rang a bell with me. I was fostered as a kid and never knew it or when I'd get food. The family frequently went out for dinner, left me at home, and didn't make me anything. I'd count the bread and biscuits etc so see if I could have a couple without it being obvious I'd had them. Now that I'm an adult and can go shopping every day and buy what I want it should be better. But I find myself stressing if dh won't get me a snack or I think I shouldn't eat X as I'm already overweight. It's taken years, decades really to realise the family didn't give a toss about my eating now and by stuffing my face when I'm not hungry I am just hurting myself. I've been eating to a calorie total and exercising a lot for a week and so far I'm almost 5lbs down and my head is in a much better place.

It's weird. If I wrote down what happened to me it would be deemed as abusive but even now I feel like it wasn't. If anything I've got a mess of teeth, overweight but getting there and I'm 99% certain I'm on the spectrum but it was overlooked. It means I have sworn my kids will never have to go through what I did though. I am however a paranoid mess 35% of the time and always waiting for the bottom to fall out of anything good. Even when I know deep down it won't. It's like living confront adrenaline and it takes the sheen off the good stuff.

Though I think the coke, binge drinking, risky sexual and general encounters and two serious relationships I had, one physically abusive who ended up in prison and the ex crack addict with an outstanding warrant for armed robbery probablyyyyyyyy got it out my system in my early 20s. You wouldn't even know nor to look at me and my life.

It's so sad reading everyone's stories.

My parents were emotionally abusive. Very inconsistent, my mother especially. Wasn't allowed to have feelings of my own. Used as a counsellor by my mother from about age 10, she would dump all her emotional shit on my sister and me. Left with a TON of repressed anger.

I couldn't trust myself for years. I played the clown to hide the anger. A small part of me feels lonely absolutely all the time. Ended up in an abusive and controlling relationship in my 20s which of course my parents behaviour had primed me for beautifully. Years of heavy drinking (under control now). People pleasing and desperate neediness

I was in therapy for 7 years and it was the hardest but also the best thing ever. I will go back at some point. I am doing so much better than I used to, but I'm still very angry and hyper vigilant as others have described. Easily roused to rage, though I rarely express it. Constant anxiety, the intensity fluctuates but it's always there. Limited contact with family but I think about them for a good chunk of every day. It's so hard to move on from the past

for you all. It's very sad to read your horrible experiences and how it carries on into adulthood.

Day to day: I'm crap at throwing things away. I've learnt to detach from my things but find it very hard to declutter my DDs stuff. Didn't have loads of stuff when I was young . Mostly no one tidied or cleaned much so it doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work on it- following what others do, usually.

Also I expect a LOT from relationships. I've come to the conclusion / expectation that my partner should be there to support me and watch my back. I don't have strong family roots and I think I expect my partner to be everything my family isn't. It's not been a successful attitude.

I'm very alone (even in company). Again I think this is down to lack of tight knit family life. My brother saw more abuse (of one kind) than me but he has an amazing partner and I think that's saved him. Though we all (4 of us) suffer with mental health issues varying from minor to severe.

My mother is still a victim. She never recovered from the domestic violence and emotional, financial and mental abuse. I'd love to see her be a 'recovered' free person enjoying a happy life. But no. And I can't bein the same room with her strange silences and junpiness, lack of ability to make common sense decisions which in turn makes me feel mean. She could have stopped it all a lot sooner but didn't. All very complex. Hours of counselling...

Go to a therapist that specialises in trauma.
I spent years thinking " talking about it won't help " but it has helped me so much.
Best of luck op, sending you love and strength.

Oh and the biggest thing the abuse stole from me is my ability to laugh. To really laugh. I think it is because laughing is about being carefree and I don't think I will ever feel carefree again.

I do laugh, of course, but not like other people. I vividly remembering being absolutely hammered as a teenager (when I still lived in the same house as my abusive stepfather) and laughing so hard I fell off the picnic bench me and my friends were on. Then I stopped, because I thought 'I NEVER laugh'.

I know what you mean, OP. It's robbed me of any real joy in the little things. I just feel a huge emptiness. I've never been able to feel real happiness, I just don't feel anything. It's so sad. I have 2 DDs who I love very much, and I can fake it for their sakes, and for DH, but I don't feel anything. The emptiness has been there since I was a child.

Oh Lizzie, me too. I think it was a coping mechanism from when we were children that we don't know how to switch off.

Trauma experienced by our mothers and grandmothers is ‘remembered’ in their dna and passed onto their spawn, so we were damaged before we’d even been born.
I’m anxious, I pull hair out, bite holes in my lip, rip skin off my fingers, pick my head, heart palpitations, tummy from hell, hyper vigilant, perfectionist, easily startled, overwhelmed, angry, sensitive, I despise the way I look and don’t believe anyone who says nice things to me, they must be doing it so they can humiliate me later.

I’m childfree for a number of reasons, one of which being I am not forcing another person with these shit genes into existence, and I couldn’t bear being a parent or having the noise and complete life change a kid would bring, I’m barely clinging on as it is.

You're so right, OP. Instinctively I do everything not to let myself be happy. There's something in me that needs to sabotage it, as it's bound to go wrong. It's like I want to be punished and don't deserve good things to happen. Hence I drink more than I should despite knowing that I'm not doing my liver any good.

I do the exact same things you do, Clitoria. I'm virtually self-harming.

Huh! Question should be how has it not affected you.

I'm a CSA survivor and was also beaten quite severely as a child.

I'm in my forties. Supposedly that beautiful blossoming time of self awareness and increased confidence. Yet my self-esteem is often on the floor. I constantly compare myself mentally to others and of course I always come out crap in comparison. This colours my reaction to pretty much everything.

I am frequently jealous of the happiness and achievements of other people. Especially people who have had happy unbringings and have happy lives. Feeling that way makes me feel even worse about myself, and round and round it goes.

Decades spent living in fight or flight mode means my nerves are now shot to pieces. I am frequently anxious. I shy away from taking on responsibilities and challenges because I hate the anxiety that comes with it. I have missed out great opportunities due to holding back out of fear of inability to reach expectations.

Due to anxiety I spend lots of time in avoidance strategies and severe procrastination. Bills often paid late.
Important phone calls dont get made/put off. Difficult stuff gets avoided. I cannot tell you how much I've spent on unecessary fines for stuff I should have dealt with earlier. But I dont deal with stuff until I'm forced to. Its dreadful. Utterly shit, but I can't break the cycle.

DH thinks I cant be trusted to do simple things. So it affects our relationship. He says he can't trust me. I don't bother trying to explain.

I returned to Uni as an adult and am barely getting through. My anxiety is sky high the competitive atmosphere facilitates the comparison cycle. I constantly fight the urge to stop.

I struggle to make friends and then I struggle to keep them.

I'm about to go for a 2nd round of counselling. I think I'll always need it off and on.

Rosie that’s great! I have tried to meditate and failed many many times. I would love to be we’re you are having major issues with my past and I struggle hugely with bringing up my two DC through gritted teeth.

Can I ask how you started.

Is it literally just 10 mins of clearing your head and concentrating on breathing

HadronCollider, you sound so much like me with the CSA, and in my forties. It's horrible, isn't it? And you're right, it's a case of how has it not affected us??

My DH gets frustrated with me as well. And I've done far more to damage his trust than pay bills late. But he's stood by me. I do wonder whether we'd still be together if it weren't for the DDs, though.

I did manage to get 2 degrees back in my 20s, but my that's because I coped by repressing the memories of my abuse. I had distressing images in my head but couldn't place them. I haven't managed to build up a career for myself, though, hence I'm a SAHM who wouldn't be able to easily start that now. Although that's also because of having one DD with attachment issues.

You're welcome to PM me if it would help.

RegretingTheElf I never managed to do the type of meditation where you clear your head entirely. I always kept going "stop thinking...ugh! Stop thinking...ugh!" Etc. I use a meditation from kundalini yoga (like a pp, yoga itself has been a wonderful experience as well, but yoga + meditation has been completely life changing). The meditation is called kirtan kriya, and it utilises breath, mantra and movement. It keeps my mind from wandering and helps to clear out the subconscious mind. There are literally hundreds of meditations in kundalini yoga, and there are many other meditation modalities to choose from. It's a matter of trial and error, but this method is perfect for me. :)

’m childfree for a number of reasons, one of which being I am not forcing another person with these shit genes into existence, and I couldn’t bear being a parent or having the noise and complete life change a kid would bring'

Same here Clitoria. I have had periods of really longing for a child of my own but I know I could never cope with the reality. My best friend has had 2 children in the past few years and I just don't feel the same about her anymore. I'm happy for her but so sad and envious at the same time. I don't know if our friendship can recover to be honest

I can relate to so many of these posts. No time right now but will come back later.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm infertile now, which was probably caused by what happened to me as a child, as I went there pregnancy and childbirth and the baby died. I was 13 and didn't know I was pregnant and then afterwards thought it was just a horrible dream. My DSis remembers my baby being buried secretly. I don't even know who the father was, obviously.

20 years later, I was infertile, went through IVF. Now we've adopted 2 gorgeous girls. But the part of me that's able to love just isn't really there. It's like I'm dead inside.

In lots of different ways. Sleeping issues, trust issues, hoarder, lack of emotions, destructive behaviour, anxiety, on edge, eating disorder, self-confidence issues, destructive relationships, flashbacks, self-harming, addictions, lack of emotions.
And that's just some of it.

In my 40's I am on medication, severe depression, ptsd, anxiety, eating disorder, sleeping disorder, personality disorders. On waiting lists for councilling and therapy.