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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How has childhood abuse affected your life?

110 replies

Wollstonecraft1 · 07/01/2018 21:42

It has affected so many elements of my life;

I am very overweight and I think it is, in part, because my abuser used to tell me he sexually abused me because I was so beautiful. I feel like once I had my children with DH, a subconscious switch was flicked, and I decided I didn't need to be beautiful anymore as I had the children I wanted.

Sex, I don't think I would ever have sex again if it was down to me. I love DH and I don't hate sex once we start, but I know I wouldn't seek it.

Even my interactions with the children are coloured by it, I find it very hard to have them touching me uninvited all the time.

I feel like I kept it at bay during my twenties but that I'm not really managing it now I'm getting older. Anyone else have their day to day lives affected?

OP posts:
HadronCollider · 10/01/2018 10:19

Thank you for your kind invitation Lizzie48Flowers. I wrote a long post about an hour ago and its somehow disappearedHmm Perhaps its a glitch with my phone. Essentially I completely relate to your attempts to repress traumatic thoughts and memories to get through uni. I have been doing the same. But now it has caught up with me. Which was good in a way because its forced me to get help.

I'm so sorry to hear about your infertilitySadFlowersCakeBrew. That's just so fucking unjust. To deprive you of that tooAngry. These bastards and sickos who have harmed us this way. They should serve the sentence we live with everyday.

You must be pretty amazing to have gone through the adoption process and you must have a very big heart to welcome children into your life and raise them with love and my DS was clingy and I was a SAHM so I identify. Happiest period of my life and I don't regret it (one of the few things I don't although I have no career either). You're doing a job more important than any career. Happy children make happier adults and happier adults mean less damaged people going around hurting others or themselves and a better society. Enjoy this period of your life. You deserve all the happiness in the world xx

HadronCollider · 10/01/2018 10:23

Theresnonamesleft So sorrySad Nothing much to say except it is exceptionally shit and frustrating to still be struggling at this age and I identify and think if you can you ought to take time out, alone and be incredibly kind to yourself.Flowers

Lizzie48 · 10/01/2018 14:04

Thank you for your kind words, HadronCollider. There are some sick people in the world, that's for sure. They're all dead, though, apart from my brother, who is seriously damaged by everything that happened. My father died 20 years ago.

My DSis has also adopted 1 boy, though in her case she already has birth children and a DSS. So we've both managed to create lives for ourselves.

I also work for a Christian charity helping Central Asian women deal with issues of abuse (not paid, but it gives me extra purpose.

I just get so down sometimes. It's been so helpful to find this thread.

Thanks for you

notonmynelly · 10/01/2018 15:12

Definitely hyper vigilant like many other have said. From years of coming home and not knowing what mood mum was in!

Promiscuous as a youth. Mum always said I would be left on the shelve and no one would love me. So I was always a bit desperate for attention and love, married way too soon as a result of this.

Anxiety. I worry a lot and if I say anything to my son that might be slightly negative even silly stuff like tidy your room I get paranoid that he will feel unloved and like I hate him. Like I felt I guess.

People pleaser. I used to tell the most ridiculous white lies instead of just the truth because I just couldn't bear offending someone or not pleasing them.

Lollipop01 · 10/01/2018 22:19

Test

Lollipop01 · 10/01/2018 22:20

So sorry to read everyone else's stories 

My sister and I suffered sexual abuse and emotional abuse from our father (now dead due to alcoholism). He was also abusive towards my mum and although he didn't physically attack her, his angry outbursts always made us feel as though he would. I remember him punching a hole in the wall one day, and also running at my mum and I with a knife on the night we left (they were already getting divorced but we were still living together until the house sold).

We left when I was 8. When we moved house I used to have dreams that he had broken into the house to kill us. they stopped after a year and from then until I had my son. I never felt that I had been impacted by it. It was only after my son was born that all the resentment towards my mum started to surface. I was so angry at her for allowing him to treat us like that (I do recognise that she was also a victim, but ultimately she was the adult). She relied on my sister and I for emotional support. She didn't shield us from anything traumatic. For example, she would tell us about our dad's hallucinations when he was experiencing the DTs, when really she didn't even need to tell us he was in hospital as we were all living with my gran at this point after the knife incident, and she was only going back to the house to check he was still alive/hadn't burnt the place down. My dad found out where we moved to and when he turned up, my mum left my fourteen year old sister to deal with him whilst she hid in the bathroom. I can't understand why she didn't just ring the police!

My mum was also emotionally unavailable (still is) and I have really begun to realise this over the past six years. I am a social worker now and so I have really reflected on my own upbringing and I now see a lot of her faults. Previously I thought she was a good parent because compared to my dad, she was. Compared to 'normal' families, she's awful.

I'd say the main way it has impacted me is in my own romantic relationships. I am very anxious, very needy, I'm always worried people will abandon me. I think I have some form of attachment disorder as I fit the criteria for it, and it would hardly be surprising! However I am aware of this and try to deal with it myself, rather than make my partner aware of my anxieties.

I am a people pleaser, I'll never say no, I get very nervous talking to managers, or during interviews etc. I lack confidence in general. I get very lonely if I'm not around people. For example, in the week I'm ok as I see people at work and I keep busy in the evening with housework etc. I feel really low come Saturday evening if I haven't seen anyone since finishing work on Friday. I think that probably comes from my insecurities about feeling people will abandon me/don't really like me.

I broke up with my son's dad when DS was six months old because I was convinced he was abusive. Looking back now, I can see he wasn't and that it was my own hyper vigilance that saw everything he did through a DV perspective (eg when he had sever depression and didn't get out of bed/lacked motivation/ cried about feeling he was a failure of a father, I immediately thought he was being manipulative. If we had a minor disagreement, I thought it was as coercive control. I have reflected on this a lot though and hopefully won't be as OTT in future relationships).

My sister has many of the same issues I do. She has no children yet, and says she may not have them ever as she doesn't want to be a bad parent. She is great with my DS but will never use discipline (eg time out or 5,4,3,2,1 to get him to listen) because she is worried she will fear him like we feared our dad. Obviously he did a lot more than just use a time out and whilst rationally she knows this, she struggles to be 'bad cop'.

I don't feel it has impacted my parenting of DS really. Whilst I am not a perfect mum, I think I have a good balance, although I can get stressed and shout if we are running late in the mornings.

I understand what others say about feeling very little emotion and having to fake it. I find enjoyment in things like taking DS to the park/to feed the ducks/ playing at home, but I wouldn't say any of it makes me 'happy'. I do tend to feel better in the evenings if we've had a busy day and have been out lots and DS has had fun. But at the time, I just do those things because they're what I know I 'should' be doing with him.

I also buy things to preoccupy myself. I have far too much make up and hardly ever wear most of it, but it's the thing I seem to buy lots of when I feel particularly rubbish!

Sorry. That was long. It's the first time I've ever got it all out.

KindDogsTail · 10/01/2018 22:36

[flower] OP and evryone else who has suffered great unhappiness like this.
Re: unexpected angry, snappy reactions to children.
What Rosie said about meditation sounds right. Also a good way to release deeply hidden unhappiness bit by bit in your own time is through practising EFT (www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Healing-Minutes-Acupressure-Techniques/dp/0007112580).?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-3133274-How-has-childhood-abuse-affected-your-life" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Healing-Minutes-Acupressure-Techniques/dp/0007112580).

It is important to not wait for tension to mount but by doing the relaxation/meditation you help to pre-empt it. Also avoid too much caffeine, getting hungry, (but don;t have sugar instead of food), avoid alcohol. Try to get enough sleep but not over sleep. These things help against snapping,

I think those of us who have experienced abuse of various kinds are always on a slight knife edge of alert.

Sue Gerhardt is a psychologist who has written about how the brain of a child can be affected,

Alice Miller has written a lot on the subject of the effects of childhood abuse.

PawsyMcPawFace · 11/01/2018 18:32

Lollipop - first time you've got it all out? That's brave. It's a brilliant first step. It's odd, the kind of anger you feel at your parents after having your own children. How could they DO that? How can they just stand by and ignore it all?

I'm going through a traumatic divorce. Never in a million years would i have put my ex down as abusive but that's what he was. Just like my DF in a lot of ways and I thought he was so f=different. The reason I fell for it i think is because it was so covert and insidious. I spent a fair few years fighting with myself about no wanting to be with him anymore, then gradually realising, through counselling, that i needed to get the fuck out. I spent too long getting out then and I compare myself with my DM and her inaction. And i worry about the affect its had on my kids. And i hate myself. Doesn't matter how you dress it up, I didn't have the balls to leave when i should have.

So i can see my DM in myself, shying away from confrontation, ineffective, shut down.

PawsyMcPawFace · 11/01/2018 18:36

KindDogs - I've had EFT therapy too. Weird and amazing.

I also meditate and go to yoga, which i find great peace in. With meditation, it's not about clearing your mind as such but not following where the thoughts go. I find mantras are good for me (in my head) as its repetitive and occupies my mind. Visualisation is a bit more tricky for me as I tend to wander off Grin

athingthateveryoneneeds · 11/01/2018 20:22

I'm interested in EFT. Any quick primers I can read?

I'm in awe of you all. I thought my childhood hadn't affected me, but I only buried it for it to burst out at terrible moments. It took a lot of work to be self aware enough to even start working on my issues. I am pretty sure I disassociated during abusive episodes, and I'm not 100% sure I even know everything that happened to me. I don't remember much of my childhood at all.

PawsyMcPawFace · 11/01/2018 20:51

Flowers i haven't read anything myself but i tried it via my yoga teacher. She was doing a workshop on it and did a demo with someone there. I was skeptical and tbh still am because i can't believe it works, even though I've felt the benefits.

I used it as a way to get the courage up to tell my STBXH i wanted a divorce. I also used it to stop drinking. I did - very easily but then gradually fell back into it. But i have been going through a hellish divorce. So I'm planning to go back.

Maybe i need top up sessions regularly but i stopped drinking for most of the year save the odd night out. It was like i was a normal person again. And yes, my divorce has spanned more than a year. I started drinking again when he started threatening suicide and my DD started self harming. Not the best reaction to that.

Wollstonecraft1 · 11/01/2018 21:15

Lollipop01, thank you for sharing your story (does that sound too American?!).

I also first broke down about this after I had my first DC, I think it is very common. So common that I wish someone had warned me about it during pregnancy as it kind of blindsided me. I held my beautiful DC in my arms and wondered why my 'D'M hadn't done more/anything to protect me.

OP posts:
Wollstonecraft1 · 11/01/2018 21:16

I'm not 100% sure I even know everything that happened to me. I don't remember much of my childhood at all

This, which is another thing abuse has robbed us of - our memories.

OP posts:
Wollstonecraft1 · 11/01/2018 21:16

Although the traumatic ones we would rather forget which is why it happens, so we can cope.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 11/01/2018 21:36

Wollstonecraft1, you're so right. I feel as if there's a massive blank between when I was little and when I was grown up. It's like huge chunks of my life never happened. There were nice things, like family pets, but it just feels tainted. Sad

Chocness · 11/01/2018 21:44

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes at the terrible, horrific and quite frankly heartbreaking posts on this thread. I know it may sound a bit over the top but I want to hug all of you, I wish there was something I could do which would take some of the pain away that we as survivors carry around with us every. single. day.

I can relate to almost every post on this thread. The constant empty feeling inside and loneliness in relationships in particular. I am married with a young child and another on the way and despite being married to a kind and good man I just can’t bring myself to fully love him. I think it boils down to a lack of trust, I just can’t trust anyone. I too ‘unravelled’ big time when I had my first child. It was literally like all the hurt that I had been carrying around came out at the same time and completely floored me and this was after 12 years in counselling where I thought I had processed all the hurt. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past two years who specialises in schema thereapy and I’m in a much better place. I hope to finish with her soon but will not hesitate to pick it up again if I feel my mental health needs propping up again. I can totally relate to the hyper vigilance comments that other posters have stated. Being on my guard all the time is so exhausting. Likewise being jealous of other people’s lives. So many of my friends have such carefree lives and whilst I care for them dearly I can’t help but be envious of them.

Adulthood following an abusive childhood is so unbelievably hard and so unbelievably unfair. You are all amazing brave souls even though I know some days life feels so far from that xx

user1497863568 · 11/01/2018 21:53

Hugely mistrustful of all authority. My parents pressed charges (I was 8 ffs) and nothing was done. Turned out years later that the man's father was a notorious 'protected' pedo. I didn't act out in a big way but I've never, ever slept with a white guy (associated them all with abuse which is quite unfair I^^ can see now).

Lizzie48 · 11/01/2018 21:56

Thank you, chocness, and same to you. Thanks It's such a lonely place, isn't it!? And so empty. I have a DH who loves me and 2 adopted DDs, who are very precious, but I don't have the ability to feel. I'm also unable to cope with being touched by anyone, unless I initiate it, and even that I struggle with.

Chocness · 11/01/2018 22:15

Yes, incredibly lonely at times. Do you mind me asking, do you doubt your relationship with your DH at all? I do all the time and I find it very unsettling. I haven’t found a way yet of saying ‘oh it’s just down to my trust issues, don’t read into it’. I keep thinking there is something wrong with us because I’m not really feeling it/I’ve numbed myself down. I sometimes wonder if I decided to marry him because I felt safe with him rather than for love but then I do vividly remember falling in love with him which I haven’t done with anyone else. It’s just so confusing and troubling.

Wollstonecraft1 · 11/01/2018 22:22

Chocness, thank you for posting. I don't feel I will ever love my DH fully and completely, I need to know that I will be ok and able to survive if we were to break up. So I instinctively keep a piece of myself back.

OP posts:
Chocness · 11/01/2018 22:33

I can relate to that Wollstonecraft1. I instinctively keep some of me back too as I’m so afraid of being hurt so deeply again. I remember feeling broken during my childhood due to awful events and I can’t seem to let the wall down with my husband. All I ever wanted when I was a child was to have a happy adulthood (to even out my shitty childhood) and it has made me so angry and bitter at times that this hasn’t come to fruition albeit I do feel incredibly blessed to have my son and another on the way. This thread is really helping me understand things even more so Thankyou to everyone who has posted and to the OP for starting the thread in the first place.

Wollstonecraft1 · 11/01/2018 22:33

We have just x posted. DH and I realised, after a number of years of arguments, that I find it very, very difficult coming home after a day at work. My DH works from home and if the house isn't exactly how I left it, I get very uncomfortable - it doesn't matter if that was tidy or messy, I don't like the change in my environment without consultation/control.

Obviously because coming home to an abusive environment, all change was bad and dangerous. But it took us years of arguing for both of us to understand why. It basically takes me ten minutes of coming in, assessing how the land lies - dishes done/not done - etc before I feel I can cope.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 11/01/2018 22:39

I do doubt my relationship with DH, and I push him away constantly. I think it's because I feel like he could do so much better than me. He's so lovely and loyal and I don't feel like I deserve him.

Chocness · 11/01/2018 22:42

The need for absolute control is something that schema thereapy has really helped me with. Don’t get me wrong, I still need my environment to have some order but I don’t flip out like I use to when something isn’t as I think it should be. I am able to manage my emotional reactions to things a lot more now and I put that down to the thereapy. I know these emotional triggers will always be there and I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t feel like a massive injustice a lot of the time.

Chocness · 11/01/2018 22:52

Thanks Lizzie. I think I test my DH as I’ve never been sure of his feelings for me despite on paper him being very caring, supportive and loving. I just cant feel it which I find makes me rather anxious and needing to escape. I think it boils down to me expecting him to make me feel good when I probably am incapable of feeling like that myself due to the scars of childhood. I guess I was always waiting to be rescued and adulthood, like my childhood just hasn’t been like that. Sorry if I’ve hogged the post!