How has childhood abuse affected your life?

[Wollstonecraft1]

It has affected so many elements of my life;

I am very overweight and I think it is, in part, because my abuser used to tell me he sexually abused me because I was so beautiful. I feel like once I had my children with DH, a subconscious switch was flicked, and I decided I didn't need to be beautiful anymore as I had the children I wanted.

Sex, I don't think I would ever have sex again if it was down to me. I love DH and I don't hate sex once we start, but I know I wouldn't seek it.

Even my interactions with the children are coloured by it, I find it very hard to have them touching me uninvited all the time.

I feel like I kept it at bay during my twenties but that I'm not really managing it now I'm getting older. Anyone else have their day to day lives affected?

Same as the OP I overate to get fat and make myself unattractive as I felt that was the only way to stop ‘him’ from being interested in me as saying NO or LEAVE ME ALONE didn’t deter him surprise surprise. Even though I was aged 5-6 when this took place (during my parents messy divorce...I was an even easier target) I vowed never to let myself be in such a vulnerable position again and I became a very angry young person and pushed ppl away before they became too close. I’m the same as an adult but without the anger, I can be very vicious with my tongue and am very “good” in an argument and can get ppl to back down easily. I don’t trust anyone easily, ppl have to really prove themselves to me and quite often they can’t be bothered to break through the exterior so I have no friends to speak of. It’s a shame but deep down I probably prefer it as I can’t be hurt again by someone I should be able to trust. I get funny when ppl are outside the toilet door (even my DH and kids) and feel very vulnerable when in the bathroom and strangers are in the house, say a contractor for example. I also have a very strained relationship with my brother as when we were older I revealed the abuse to him (had to as the police came to the house to take a statement once I did told my mum some 8 years later) and he accused me of lying saying that X wouldn’t do that...that really hurt tbh and I’ve distanced myself from him ever since. I also have an issue with ppl invading my personal space and showing affection if I’m not prepared for it. My boss used to make a joke out of the fact I didn’t like contact and I think my colleagues thought I was just a cold fish...I used to want to scream at them sometimes that there was a very good reason for it but obvs never did as its in the last. My mum still lives in the house where some of the abuse happened and I still get a strange feeling in my old room and I feel compelled to flee but I don’t as that’s my little way of saying fuck you to my abuser and not letting him continue to have a hold over me. I’m hyper vigilant with my children and see most ppl/unknowns as a threat but I won’t apologise for that as they are so precious and I’d never want them to go through life in defence/offence mode like I have or god forbid experience abuse of any kind

I never thought the abuse I suffered as a child affected me until recently. I have just reported my abuser to the police after 40 years. I had a long conversation with my best friend this week and realised it has affected me in lots of different ways.

I'm pretty shit at relationships with men. It was always a standing joke when I was younger that any boyfriends I had never lasted more than 6 weeks. My marriage only lasted 4 years. I am generally trusting from the start, but the minute they do one thing to annoy me - they are gone. I remove people from my life who add no value. I have a very deep sense of living the most positive that I can and I suppose I feel the need to prove to myself and my abuser that what he did had no impact on me. I get rid of anything negative in my life - be it a man, a friend or even jobs.

I have a wonderful DS, great job, no money worries, a lovely home and some fantastic friends, but if you piss me off or cross me, I will erase you from my life. I am NC with my Mum who has not supported me since she found out about the abuse and I rarely see my sisters.

I also find it hard to relax, as I start to think about the abuse, so I keep busy all the time. I love my job, but push myself to do more all the time and I have a spotless, orderly house. Even though my house is my safe haven, I rarely relax in it, as I always find something to do to keep me busy. Anything to stop the thoughts, as they just don't seem to go away, once they pop into my head. If I am not busy - I am an avid reader as this means I'm concentrating on something else.

I don't sleep either. My DM took me to the Doctors as a teenager due to my sleep patterns. I've been up, yet again at 5.30 this morning. I regularly wake in the night too. Can't remember the last time I slept all night.

I, like others, am over protective of my DS. I saw/see abusers everywhere. If he came home sad from his Dad's when he was little, my first thought was 'has he been abused?' Even now at the age of 12, I hate him going into men's toilets on his own. I stand at the door imagining all sorts. We only ever go swimming where there is family changing rooms, as I won't let him change with men. I sent him to nursery, as I felt a child-minder was too risky as he would be alone with another adult. It's also why I haven't had a relationship in 9 years - I just wouldn't trust anyone with my DS and it all just feels a bit pointless and too much hardwork. I'll only send them packing at the first sign of any difficulties or if they do something to annoy me.

I had counselling 8 years ago, which helped, but as I have now reported my abuser (brother) I suspect I will need some more support. The police are coming round next week to talk me through the process of the investigation, giving a statement, CPS and a possible trial. They have said they will also talk to me about professional support, so I am going to take whatever is offered.

I like the suggestions from others about meditation. I'm going to look into that.

@Lucyccfc I know what you mean, I'm very similar. I'm not good at all at being close to people, I can barely tolerate physical contact at all, apart from with my DDs, though that's because I trained myself. I basically have to be in control of it. And I've pushed people away, so I don't hold on to friendships well.

Like you actually, my brother abused me, and my DSis too, though in our case our F did too (along with others). I've finally gained the strength to break contact with my brother, he was a victim too (and serious MH issues) and my DM guilt tripped me to look out for him.

In our case, we did repress the memories over the years, which mostly happens when the abuser is also primary carer, which our F was a lot of the time. It wasn't completely repressed because I had flashbacks which I couldn't work out. Then DSis and I had the memories come back when we had our DCs. It was traumatic!

We did report our brother to the police, but because of his vulnerability (he has no memories of what happened, or so he says), and the fact that there's no evidence he's a danger now, he isn't facing charges. DSis and I both said that we didn't want him charged because he was a victim too. But we can't cope with any contact with him.

You're a very strong person to have coped the way you have.

My father 'abused' me once or crossed a very uncomfortable threshold I cant actually remember. I do remember my step Mum going mad about the situation when she found out - I was on holiday with them. Even though it was a one off, as far as I know, it HAUNTS me 30 odd years later.

He was also violent to my Mum and she left him when I was 2. I notice how much shouting affects me now, it makes me very anxious and angry at the same time, so if DH shouts at the football, my reaction is to snap angrily.

I have little patience for my 5 year old messing around. I'm also terrified of something happening to her and am wary with men in regards to her. Even men I trust, I still wonder and worry.

Lizzie48 my brother has no my issues and does remember abusing me and his own daughter. He has admitted it to our whole family, but I still have no idea yet if he will be prosecuted. I will push for this, but just have to see how it goes.

Sometimes we just have to have no contact for our own sanity don't we?

Every poster is brave and courageous in their own way (including us). Most days the sun shines for me, but the clouds can appear from no where and it takes a while for the storm in my head to disappear.

MH issues, not 'my'

💐 to all on here.

It's interesting to hear of all the posters recommending yoga. The book THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE recommends it too. I'd recommend it to everyone on here. It's been life changing for me in understanding how my own trauma works and what we can do to overcome it.

I have boundary issues. I have entered into various abusive relationships as an adult. I am overly compliant but also standoffish and aloof.

I find my life very narrow, it's just me and ds. I'm now in my fourth year of therapy. It's helping, slowly. I've been getting flashbacks of physical abuse from childhood and more recently. I look after children for my job and get very affected by the child protection issues that arise.

I intellectualise things to keep them at a distance. This thread has helped me feel less alone,

That book is amazing olbitey. Lifechanging here too. Takes alot of reading but it's quite something.

I feel so sorry for you :(
I can’t socialise properly and I blame it entirely on the abuse. Before that I was a confident and happy child but since I’ve had no self esteem and haven’t been able to interact with people properly. I always feel like I have to put on act and can’t be myself, which makes socialising regularly exhausting. I’m scared of getting into a taxi with a man driving or getting on public transport where everyone is so close together. It’s exhausting sometimes trying to fit in and play a role. When I was a teenager I decided men only want sex and the way to get a guys attention was to behave like a slag and I got into a few shitty situations. It really has fucked up my life I feel, but I’m trying to cope with it. There’s also the anxiety and my nit picking.