How has childhood abuse affected your life?

[Wollstonecraft1]

It has affected so many elements of my life;

I am very overweight and I think it is, in part, because my abuser used to tell me he sexually abused me because I was so beautiful. I feel like once I had my children with DH, a subconscious switch was flicked, and I decided I didn't need to be beautiful anymore as I had the children I wanted.

Sex, I don't think I would ever have sex again if it was down to me. I love DH and I don't hate sex once we start, but I know I wouldn't seek it.

Even my interactions with the children are coloured by it, I find it very hard to have them touching me uninvited all the time.

I feel like I kept it at bay during my twenties but that I'm not really managing it now I'm getting older. Anyone else have their day to day lives affected?

What mechanisms have you used to help you cope with changes in your environment?

Yes childhood abuse has affected my life dramatically. I came from a large family - there is a lot of mental health issues and we have all been been damaged by it enormously.
We all really struggle with relationships - that is - making close connections and trusting others. I'm lucky - I do have friends but some of my siblings have no friends at all.
My first memories are being afraid of my father. I have no happy memories from my childhood. It was cold. We were never hugged or loved - at times we sought this from each other. I've carried a lot of shame but also a lot of responsibility for my siblings at times. I faired better in some ways.
My childhood taught me not to need ( as they were not meet anyway) it's affected how I look after myself.
My parents didn't actually ever talk to each other - he used to shout and my mother was passive really. I found it hard to deal with conflict or resolve it. I've lost many friends because I felt upset by something they had done so instead of having a conversation I would just cut off from them -
I was very very shy and self conscious as a child. I had no value or self worth. If anyone pays me a compliment I don't take it in - my core belief was "I'm shit" I couldn't understand why anyone would like me.
I had 10 years of psychotherapy which helped and met someone in my early 40s and thankfully had a child. This marriage was not good really - he became abusive when I became pregnant. It took me 8 years to leave as I felt responsible and believed it was my fault.
I love my son dearly but at times when he doesn't do what I ask him I can feel intense rage and on the odd occasion I've been verbally cruel to him. When I was little if we were told to do something we bloody did it - otherwise we'd be hit. I have therapy still and it helps me manage these feelings. I do not want to damage my child in any way.
If we have a secure foundation from our "good enough parents" - then we can take life's bumps and our foundations being shaken. However when the foundations are unstable then we can't take the bumps or they affect us deeply. Thankfully I have some insight and want to give my son a healthy childhood. He's loved and he's happy and such a joy.
Hugs to us all xx

Running, but hugs to you mary1935

Thank you for sharing, Mary1935, you really are amazing, the way you've come through all that.

I relate really well to what you're saying. We were afraid of my parents too, as we were smacked A LOT. My DM rewrites history, though, genuinely believing that we were a child friendly family, so why didn't we tell her what was happening?

We've all been badly affected, my DSis isn't able to have a full sexual relationship with her lovely DH. She managed to have children through artificial insemination (DIY at home).

My brother is the most damaged, he's incapable of an independent life now. Partly because of what happened but also because, I think, mum has constantly solved everything for him. He now has serious MH issues and behaves exactly like a spoiled child. He doesn't remember anything about the past, he says, and has a warped view of our father. So DSis and I can't be around him.

Well done for creating such a good life for you and your DS.

I've been affected in so many ways. I shy away from trying to work it out but I'm going to list them out here if no one minds. I'm over 60 now and and I would so like peace and the ability to like instead of hate myself. Anyway, here goes:-

Very few memories of my childhood and those i have are negative and show myself in a bad light.

Been married twice and have only had sex with my husbands and one other man but view myself as promiscuous, probably because I only saw any value in myself when I was younger if I got attention from men (wolf whistles, being fancied, that sort of thing.)

Complete people pleaser to the point where I never believe I have a choice other than to do what I am told or what other poeple want me to do.

Never believe anyone likes me or wants to be with me without an ulterior motive.

Criticise and run myself down to others all the time.

Very jealous of those adults I know with parents that abviously love them and want to help them

Hate my body

Hate myself

I have very confused feelings if someone does or says something that hurts me - eg I want to rant that what they are saying or doing is unfair and/or unreasonable, while at the same time feeling I'm getting what I deserve.

I have learned over the years to pretend emotions I do not feel and I dont actually trust any feelings I think I may have. EG I think I love my children, but as I don't know what that actually feels like, I wonder if I really do love them or am I just assuming I do because i'm their Mum and i should? I have frequently have horrible involuntary thoughts about one or another of my children dying and testing my feelings to see if I think I could manage OK if that happened. At the same time I worry about them all constantly in case they are in an accident or unhappy in their ife. I feel I should be able to fix things for them and guilty when I cant (which is most of the time as they are all in their 20's and 30's now).

I worry constantly about showing favouritism to any one of my DC, even over very minute things and see myself as the worst parent in the world if I perceive failure in this.

I feel deep anger that I have never taken issue with my birth family for all the unfairness over the years - my siblings have had unending support from our parents all their lives that I didn't get and which my siblings don't seem to have noticed I didn't get, yet at the same time it sort of feels only right and proper that I was treated that way as it's only me and so it's normal and what I deserve. Our parents are aging fast now and I don't want to help them at all or even visit. I am being pilloried by my siblings for this and I suppose to them I just look selfish.... but i am so angry with my parents that they didn't love me like they obviously love my siblings and desperately sad that they didn't save me from the sexual abuse my grandfather dished out to me (even though I never told them as i knew I would be shouted at and punished for lieing, so on one level I am out of order here because they may not have known, but part of me wants to scream aloud that they should have fucking well known)

I have no idea if any of that makes any sense but thankk you to the OP for starting the thread and giving me somewhere to put it. and thank you to those that read it. It's probably full of typing mistakes but if I go back and read it I may decide not to post it after all and I do want to tell someone at least, even if only strangers on a forum, how I feel.

I feel so sad for us all.

NoConfidence Can't give an adequate reply yet, but I can feel your pain and can relate in so many ways to your feelings. I definately think its time for you say 'Fuck them and the horse they rode in on'' and concentrate on yourself. Ignore family who do not inderstand and seek counselling. Perhaps start with your GP. I think you would benefit from joining a CSA support group or similar.

Thanks for sharing so openly. Absolutely no need to apologise for mistakes! It was very brave of you to write all that and helpful (although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy) to myself and others reading this to have the knowledge that there are others who know how we feel and we're not all crazy, or weird but are simply responding to trauma

In answer to your earlier question Wollstonecraft1, the main mechanism has been developing an internal conversation with myself, much like a kind parent would to their child if they were upset about something. In effect I’ve been taught through schema thereapy to parent myself and it’s this caring parent that I’ve developed who talks me out of a panic attack and the ensuing feelings I use to have. It’s taken me a good few months of practice for this to stick but now I’ve had a lot of practice of doing it I’m finding my emotions and thoughts don’t run away with me and thus my anxiety is in the most part kept in check. I call it ‘talking myself down’ as that is what I feel like I’m doing when I’m in this adult mode. TalkIng the child within me down from huge upset, anxiety, rage etc.... It’s been liberating and has also really helped with my parenting of my son. I use to get so angry inside when he wouldn’t do as I asked him to whereas now I can get things into perspective quite quickly which means I’m a much calmer and happier person and mother. One other resource that I found useful was this book which I originally bought to understand how I could help my child with his emotions as I’ve been so scared that I’m going to mess his life up due to my crap role models of parents.

www.amazon.co.uk/Whole-Brain-Child-Strategies-Nurture-Developing/dp/1780338376/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+whole+brain+child&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1515767446&sr=8-1

I’ve found it’s been incredibly useful for me to understand my own emotional landscape and it’s definitely helped develop the adult voice inside of my head that I refer to above. I highly recommend it.

athingthateveryoneneeds Thu 11-Jan-18 20:22:03
I'm interested in EFT. Any quick primers I can read?

This is the book I read, athingthat.
www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Healing-Minutes-Acupressure-Techniques/dp/0007112580?tag=mumsnetforum-21
I was using the technique to help me with nicotine chewing gum addiction, then found that layers and layers were unravelled of things which seemed unrelated. As each new 'hidden' feeling and image came up came up, I would go on to use the technique for that.

It helps to commit your self to trying a few sessions everyday.

This is a very helpful thread. I never suffered as much as some of the posters here - for whom , I am so sorry.

But I find I can relate to so much which before I thought was just my character: very held back though friendly at first; not wanting to accept anything; wanting clarity and control; and worst of all, finding that when I had just had a child, who was much wanted and loved, I could easily occasionally get in rages which caused the child great damage, and I went on to be too controlling in an effort to right my own more chaotic childhood. I can feel rage with no real warning. Also I was very addicted to nicotine (other siblings are addicts to drugs and alcohol.)

I was angry for a very long time. I would push people away but need to be wanted at the same time. My husband helped me heal. I never felt counselling was for me. He showed me love, patience and support. He saw how useless, stupid and ugly I felt and helped me to realise my potential. He helped me to find corrage to break free from the abuser and out him for what he really was. my abuser should be behind bars for what he did. I am happy that he no longer has a hold over me.He tries to send messages now and again but I ignore and delete. I found focusing on my family,studyng and my career helps me to cope. It has taken years, although I am still uneasey around men I feel as if im in a good place more than I was then.

Kinddogstail, the anger I am so familiar with, I find myself getting very angry with my DDs, and I find myself shouting at them. I am learning to move away when I feel like that, though.

One thing that I always thought was just me is my dislike of people being tactile with me, but I understand now that it's entirely because of my past, I flinch when someone touches my arm affectionately. It's very sad.

Don't minimise your own experiences, they clearly damaged you and you need to allow yourself to feel the pain.

NRTFT as yet, but in answer to your OP...

• Chronic depression - since the age of 12 up to the present day.
• Severe general anxiety and social anxiety. I can't mix with others without meds. I still get agitated and panicky in crowds.
• Overwhelming inferiority complex that's held me back in career.
• Very low self-esteem and confidence.
• Body dysmorphic disorder. Its gotten better since meeting my now DH (who I still can't believe he fancies me, and actually married me!), but I still can't bear photo's of myself.
• Intermittent periods of OCD in various different forms, such as cleaning, intrusive thoughts I may harm someone accidently (eg. driving) and repetitive behaviours.
• Intermittent problems with my relationship with food over the years. Starving myself, bingeing and then using laxatives excessively. And for years I couldn't eat in front of other people.
• In my younger years I privately, and rather ashamedly, self-medicated with alcohol and drugs.
• It takes a long time for me to trust people and form relationships and friendships. I have very few friends.
• Sex. Due to feeling ugly I find it hard to relax and lose inhibitions.
• Easily irritable and need time alone and peace & quiet regularly to re-focus.

I'm comforted to read I'm not alone, but saddened at the same time

Oh yes the irritability and absolute need to be alone. Overwhelming sometimes

A few more I've thought of. Fiercely independent and cannot bring myself to ask for help. Because i don't want to be let down

Guilt at being the golden child. DSis was jealous of me and was so mean. We were just kids FFS. Also, being the golden child, it felt like i was an imposter, like what have i done to deserve this? But then being abused by him and scared of him at the same time. It was confusing.

Being grateful for male attention, led me to promiscuity and the shame.

Jealousy of seemingly normal families and people who actually want to spend time with their parents and hug and help each other. Weird.

A numbness about me. Stoney faced. Grey rock. And its all kind of meh. Not even a feeling of unfairness just low level constant misery. I don't believe in happiness. Surely its not real?

Every post that I read on here, I nod with recognition.

Fiercely independent and cannot bring myself to ask for help. Because i don't want to be let down this one is definitely me and then I have high expectations of people when I do decide to trust them too.

NoConfidence, look after yourself. My relationship with my 'D'M only continues if I keep all my feelings at bay, but all of my anger is always just beneath the surface. It doesn't sound like you owe yours anything.

I sometimes wonder who or what I would be if I had had a different childhood. I am fortunate that my abuse only started when my mum remarried when I was 9, I think it has given me a sense of self from before my abusive stepfather was in my life and I can draw some strength from that.

I'm afraid to have kids of my own because I feel physical revulsion when I see parents showing deep affection to their children. That gobbling, martyr-esque, all-consuming love that I see in parents disgusts me.

I've only recently discovered this about myself, and it horrifies me. It's so unlike the rest of my character to have this reaction, and I wish it wasn't this way. Maybe the revulsion is there to mask the sadness I don't want to let myself feel? Easier to be angry than to be sad? Or am I just wired wrong?

Whatever it is, I can't risk bringing little people into this world while the idea of that level of love makes me feel the way it does.

Being around DP and his son is helping me work through it bit by bit, and I shut it down hard whenever DSS is around – but it's there, under the surface, and I hate it about myself.

I'm hyper-sensitive to atmospheres and energies – I can almost smell a bad mood when I open the door to a room, and if DP is angry about something, I get the shakes. I have an irrational childish terror that the people I love will leave if they're angry with me (mother used to leave the house in furies and not come back for hours or sometimes days. Never sure how long it would be. I'd be waiting at home, aged 7 or 8, thinking I'd driven my mother away and I'd be alone forever).

I've spent my whole adult life travelling, moving from place to place and community to community, because staying somewhere and letting people in deep is too risky.

And like so many others on here, I'm highly independent and find it hard to accept help and support from others.

DP's Love Language is Acts of Service, and it's been an amazing learning curve being with him and learning to let him take care of me. Turns out sometimes it's safe to let someone make you a cup of tea!

In that aspect of myself, at least, I finally feel like maybe the shell is starting to crack...

Ladybee Am i allowed to give those?

I think the revulsion is your way of dealing with the angst. It makes me feel a bit sick and teary to read your description of your 7 year old self waiting for your DM to come back.

Your post also reminds me of me moving around. I've lived in so many different places and I'm tired of it.

Knowing what I know now, I would never have had kids. I feel a deep pain at the thought of the torment my kids might go through and have gone through. I unwittingly got involved in a toxic marriage and my kids have been affected. I wish i had never inflicted the world and this toxicity on them

One thing that I realised recently is that I have a core belief that a dad cannot love his daughter. As in, truly love. This came to me when a coworker had a daughter a few years ago. He’d show me pictures and talk about her all the time - he loves her. But I could not wrap my head around that.

Similarly, I look at women who have partners who treat them well - I have never had that. I have a core belief that this is impossible for me. I think this explains why I stay in terrible relationships for so long.

Has anyone experienced these things before? X

Yes, I do have that, sadly. Not in a genuine, caring way anyway. Obviously because of what my own abusive father did to my DSis and me. I find it difficult to see my lovely DH being tactile with my DDs, I don't know if there's a way to get past that.

It's less of an issue with a mother's love, but I find it difficult to do cuddles with my DDs, as I don't cope well with touching. My DM didn't really do that when we were growing up, she was quite distant. And when she tried, I didn't cope with it.

I don't know if it's possible to change now. I've trained myself to do cuddles with my DDs but it's not easy.

Similarly, I look at women who have partners who treat them well - I have never had that. I have a core belief that this is impossible for me

Yes.

DH is often emotionally unavailable. Very stoic, efficient, doesn't do messy emotions. Hurts my feelings very often, doesn't get why i'm so emotional sometimes. Is distant, doesn't do romantic gestures.

Until very recently I always felt this was I needed. And all I should expect. I never worthy of anything better. The thought of those big romantic gestures made my stomach turn. Even if he offered me a cup of tea I would find myself thinking no...don't do anything for me....I would just feel all cringy and never ask for anything.

I would look at other peoples relationships and think well I wouldn't even know how to handle that much affection. Not sure I ever could.

It's like I'm two people, one who wants to be treated like a queen like some women are, another who feels sick at the thought.

How screwed up I am.

How it affected me

I was anorexic from 7 years old till I was 16.

I tried to take my life when I was 13

I lost my virginity(I don't include all the times I was raped)when I was 13,I didn't want to but thought I had no rights or say in what was done to me.

I married at 18 because it was expected of me, we'd started dating when I was 16 and he was 18(he lost his job so moved in with us so my Mum and Dad just made the assumption that we'd get married) and I always did as I was told,one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Because of the past I stayed with him till I was 25 and he was of the mind that a man couldn't rape his wife,well he bloody could and he did probably over 100 times.

I went from one abusive relationship to another because I didn't know any way else,I thought love was abusive and that was all I'd ever deserve.

It's been a rough ride,I've always described it in this way...

Being an adult without having experienced what it's like to really be a child is like buiding a house without laying the foundations first...

It may look perfect on the outside but when you look inside the foundations are shaky and the cracks within are many and varied.

Thank you for the flowers Lizzie48.

This is the first time I've seen all these clusters of behaviours and feelings as the effects they clearly are.

I am so sorry for it all, Everybody here.

That's so true, KindDogsTail. It just feels like I've always been like I am now, I could never work out why there was so much anger and hurt inside me.

Being an adult without having experienced what it's like to really be a child is like buiding a house without laying the foundations first...

That sums up my own experience, ohtheholidays. I feel like I was beamed down to Earth as an adult, but without the tools to cope. I find unhealthy coping strategies, such as drinking too much, eating disorder and risky behaviours, which has given me a lot of real guns to face as well as false guilt.

🌺🌺🌺 to all on here.
Another thing I've noticed about myself is that once I become attached to a man in a relationship I find it very hard to end it or when it has ended to let them go. I've read somewhere that abused children find separation difficult. My boundaries are poor - I'm thinking I maybe co-dependent (although my therapist suggested not seeing myself in those terms) as she thinks I'm a kind person too. I do find it hard when I see someone's suffering and if I can help I do but maybe I'm rescuing?
I'm thinking of going to a co-dependants meeting to see what I think and if I identify with them.
I'm really sad about my childhood. I've had a lot of therapy too and it doesn't go away. When do we find peace - when do we stop being so independent and self sufficient?
How could your parents treat you like that. Why would they do that. My mother used to say "he was alright your dad" - words failed me.
Just need to share today - I'm going to start divorcing my abusive ex. It's for the best but another sadness. X

I'm so sorry everyone posting here so much more needs to be done so that people can fully realise the aftermath of abuse, of any kind.

I came on here because of my dd. To see what it is I'm hoping so desperately to help her down from as she gets older, all the troubles I want to help her avoid after her own abuse.

I've had people say "she'll get over it, she'll be fine" or "she'll move on", "she won't even think about it in a few years". But she bloody will think about it, won't she. It will prey on her mind. It will ruin things for her. I just want to lessen that. I can't understand a parent not wanting the absolute best for their child and I'm so sorry those of you who have suffered at the hands of "parents" who didn't, or who struggle with their own dc because of that. It honestly breaks my heart.

If any of you don't know, you're amazing, and you are worth everything

Hi lost - I don't want to pry with the type of abuse your daughter suffered - but it sound like she is safe now and YOU have protected her.You clearly love her which I think is different to the many posters experience on here. My parents didn't show that they loved me in any way.
Might be work speaking to the NSPCC to see if they can advise - if the abuse does come out and affects your daughters relationships then she can access counselling possible via school.
You love her and can reassure her that it wasn't her fault.
Hopefully someone with wiser words will come along to give you guidance. 🌺