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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted after 3 years?

116 replies

DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:08

I've been with DP for 3 years, since the day I met him, I've spoken to or texted him almost every single day - until a week ago when he suddenly stopped responding. We have had plenty tough times in our relationship but as far as I was aware, we really loved each other and wanted things to work out. We were trying to have a baby together - I had a miscarriage last year and he was great throughout that and we were actively trying again - had the timed sex 3 weeks ago for my fertile week. It didn't work but he doesn't even know that as i haven't spoken to him.

He has a teenage DS who is quite complicated. I don't really know the DS well at all (he doesn't want to know about his dad's partner, and his mum is very hostile towards DP) but DP is a very involved parent and spends a lot of time with DS. Obviously that has been a big sticking point but both of us wanted me to get to know DS better. DS was quite ill over christmas so I didn't see much of DP but still heard from him every day with updates. DS is fine now.

Then last week, my calls started going to voicemail, he hasn't responded to my texts, I think he might have blocked my number. He's been on social media so I know he is fine. I just can't believe he would do this after everything. What about all the long term plans, the baby we were trying for? We spoke about the houses we wanted to buy together, retiring, whole life plans basically.

I keep trying to find an explanation for this, can anyone help me? My main thought about DP has always been that he is a kind and decent man but how could he treat me like this? Can I really have been that completely wrong about someone? Is there any other explanation for the lack of contact? I can't tell I'm being over the top here.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me, that would be sad but I'd be ok, I'd get on with my life. I just can't believe I'm worth so little to him.

Sorry for the long post, it has helped just typing it out though. I can't tell anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed to be treated like this.

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 07/01/2018 09:12

Can you go to him? I would have to seek him out to find out what was wrong...if this is completely out of character and I hadn't seen him...then I'd be worried for his well-being OP

I know you've seen him on social media but that proves nothing really.

Turn up at his house or as he leaves work.

HipsterAssassin · 07/01/2018 09:18

This isn’t right. Go and see him.

Oakleygirl · 07/01/2018 09:23

After three years this behaviour is unforgivable! He's probably hiding in his "man cave". I have had this a few times in the past but not in a 3 year relationship.

I've no words of wisdom sadly but all I can say is that when he resurfaces he'd better have a good explanation for you OP! In my experience, he will turn up eventually, but it depends if you can forgive him for doing this to you? And if you do, consider if you can live with the unease that he will do it again? I would seriously reconsider whether it is wise to have a child with him too.

Just remember, his behaviour is not your fault. Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/01/2018 09:30

What a disgusting and cowardly way to behave. He is probably too shit scared to confront you and be honest so he’s hiding.

It takes a long time to get to know someone and there is always the possibility of a new sort of challenge showing another aspect of someone’s personality.

If I were you I would be tempted to turn up and demand an answer.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:31

There is no way I can forgive this if it is actually what he has done. I just can't understand it though, I don't see what explanation there can be.

I don't want to go and see him, it makes me feel like I'm stalking him when he clearly doesn't want to see me.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 07/01/2018 09:31

So you were ttc but not even living together? And he spends heaps of time with his kid, so where is the availability to bring up a new baby? This is all beside the main point but it already seems very different to a normal 3 year relationship. Perhaps this is why he feels more comfortable ghosting you. Awful if he really has. You do need to go see him.

Piglet208 · 07/01/2018 09:33

Being ghosted in a 3 year relationship is extremely abnormal I would say. I have a couple of questions. You are trying for a baby but not living together? Did you have plans to live together? How many days have you not heard from him? Regardless of the answers I would not be able to leave it. Like PP I would go and see him. I can't think of a reasonable explanation but I would need to know more. I hope you get your answers.

Angelf1sh · 07/01/2018 09:34

I’d definitely go and see him if possible. Have you tried calling from another number? Or WhatsApp where you can see if it’s been delivered/read?

headintheproverbial · 07/01/2018 09:35

Were you trying for a baby even though you don't live together?

Piglet208 · 07/01/2018 09:36

I wouldn't worry about being thought a stalker. It is perfectly reasonable in a 3 year relationship that has not actually been ended for you to go and see him surely?

Angelf1sh · 07/01/2018 09:41

Piglet is right, it’s hardly stalker behaviour. You have every right to find out what is going on

demirose87 · 07/01/2018 09:41

Were you not living together after three years and trying for a baby?

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/01/2018 09:41

You’re not being a stalker if someone vanished after three years - you need answers.

Agree it’s unforgivable.

Doublevodka · 07/01/2018 09:42

Agree with Piglet. You are not stalking someone you have been in a 3 year relationship with when they stop contacting you, by turning up at their house to ask what's wrong.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:42

We were living together part time, he spends half the week with his DS. Sometimes I am there with them, DS has stayed here occasionally but prefers not to. We were definitely going to live together full time if the baby had been born, we'd started arranging it when I had the MC, and then I couldn't face doing much for a while after that so just left things as they were.

I think you're all right, I need to go round to his house. Thank you for the advice and making me realise i'm not just being paranoid!

OP posts:
Oakleygirl · 07/01/2018 10:09

Please keep us updated OP.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 07/01/2018 10:11

No way are you being unreasonable!

BarryTheKestrel · 07/01/2018 10:13

Go and see him. I hope he has a plausible explanation for what it otherwise absolutely awful behavior though.

ohamIreally · 07/01/2018 10:18

Is it possible that TTC has scared him off?

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 10:54

So I left him a voicemail saying I was going to come round, then try his mum's after if he wasn't there. 5 minutes later I get a text - very apologetic, been dealing with a problem with his son, it's taken all his time and he didn't know how to explain it to me. He wants to meet later, still loves me, sorry for hurting me blah blah blah.

What a dickhead! I don't know what to do. I can't forgive him for this. Whatever has been going on, it is no excuse to not let me know. All he had to do was send a text saying he was having a family crisis and can't see me for a few days. I kind of want to see him to hear how he tries to justify this but am also tempted to just box his stuff up and tell him to collect it when I'm out and never contact me again.

I thought I was spending the rest of my life with him, and having a family. What an idiot!

OP posts:
Assburgers · 07/01/2018 11:05

I think he REALLY doesn’t want you to go to his house. That is a panicky bullshit response.

sonjadog · 07/01/2018 11:05

That's a really weak excuse he is giving you. There is no reason why he couldn't send you a text or make a quick call to tell you if he was having problems with his son.

Sparklesdontshine · 07/01/2018 11:07

What a twat Angry

Angelf1sh · 07/01/2018 11:07

Go round there. He shouldn’t be texting at this point, he should have called you back. This is him fobbing you off and you deserve to know why.

Fabellini · 07/01/2018 11:11

I'd be going straight round regardless. As a previous poster said, that's a panic response sent to stop you turning up.
I don't normally post on these types of threads, but I'm furious on your behalf! You must feel so confused and upset, and this isn't some short term fling - three years is enough time to feel you know someone, and should be able to trust them.

He (for whatever reason) has treated you dreadfully, and you deserve an explanation.