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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted after 3 years?

116 replies

DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:08

I've been with DP for 3 years, since the day I met him, I've spoken to or texted him almost every single day - until a week ago when he suddenly stopped responding. We have had plenty tough times in our relationship but as far as I was aware, we really loved each other and wanted things to work out. We were trying to have a baby together - I had a miscarriage last year and he was great throughout that and we were actively trying again - had the timed sex 3 weeks ago for my fertile week. It didn't work but he doesn't even know that as i haven't spoken to him.

He has a teenage DS who is quite complicated. I don't really know the DS well at all (he doesn't want to know about his dad's partner, and his mum is very hostile towards DP) but DP is a very involved parent and spends a lot of time with DS. Obviously that has been a big sticking point but both of us wanted me to get to know DS better. DS was quite ill over christmas so I didn't see much of DP but still heard from him every day with updates. DS is fine now.

Then last week, my calls started going to voicemail, he hasn't responded to my texts, I think he might have blocked my number. He's been on social media so I know he is fine. I just can't believe he would do this after everything. What about all the long term plans, the baby we were trying for? We spoke about the houses we wanted to buy together, retiring, whole life plans basically.

I keep trying to find an explanation for this, can anyone help me? My main thought about DP has always been that he is a kind and decent man but how could he treat me like this? Can I really have been that completely wrong about someone? Is there any other explanation for the lack of contact? I can't tell I'm being over the top here.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me, that would be sad but I'd be ok, I'd get on with my life. I just can't believe I'm worth so little to him.

Sorry for the long post, it has helped just typing it out though. I can't tell anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed to be treated like this.

OP posts:
WarmestRegards · 07/01/2018 17:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been been removed by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 07/01/2018 18:02

If he had the time to go on social media, he could surely have spared a few seconds to text you OP.

He certainly found the time to respond when you threatened to go to his place. Sorry that you're in this position OP.

ChaosNeverRains · 07/01/2018 18:52

If what he was going through was that bad his family i.e. his mum would surely have contacted the OP?

I was rushed into hospital just over a year ago and spent several days in intensive care, some of which entirely unconscious, and yet my family and my partner who I don’t live with for logistical reasons managed to stay in touch and were all there when I came round.

It does surprise me tbh that someone would assume they’d been dumped though after three years and not have questioned until now, but whatever the reasons, there are no excuses for his not being in touch especially if he managed to be on social media.

Cinnamal · 07/01/2018 19:07

Oh Apricot I hope you're ok and have some real life friends nearby to lean on. You must be absolutely gutted after 3 years and hoping he was the one.

Personally, I have learned the hard way not to put up with this kind of behaviour. It doesn't make you happy in the end. You sound absolutely lovely and like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you deserve far better than being treated as an afterthought!

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 20:39

Thank you Cinnamal, I have used your words and just texted him back and told him I deserve better than being treated as an afterthought! I've told him not to contact me until I let him know I'm ready to talk to him. Not sure when that will be Sad

OP posts:
LabradorMama · 07/01/2018 20:47

I’m with the above posters, I’d have boxed his shit up and taken it round without warning. Partly to see what the fuck was going on and partly to draw a line under the whole sorry episode so I could start moving on in my head straight away.

I’m sorry someone you loved and trusted has treated you in such a shitty way Sad

Haffiana · 07/01/2018 21:12

We were definitely going to live together full time if the baby had been born

Seriously why are you even contemplating this? Really, what on earth were you thinking?

Live together FIRST. Find out out if your relationship TOGETHER is strong and supportive before thinking about bring a baby into it. A baby brings enormous stresses even on the best relationships. It is really not going to make a struggling, part-time, uncommitted relationship better. Do not settle for this 'script'.

loveyoutothemoon · 07/01/2018 21:17

Don't have a baby with this man

PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 07/01/2018 21:26

So you were active,y trying for a baby but didn't want to force your relationship on his son? What would have happened if your pregnancy had gone to term?

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2018 22:03

I've told him not to contact me until I let him know I'm ready to talk to him

Ach op. What are you doing? Going to punish him with some silence for awhile? The guy was on social media. He was on social media. Cling onto that thought when you decide to stay with him, he ignored all your texts and calls, bullshitted you that it was his son, yet he was on social media.

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 22:30

Ach op. What are you doing? Going to punish him with some silence for awhile? The guy was on social media. He was on social media. Cling onto that thought when you decide to stay with him, he ignored all your texts and calls, bullshitted you that it was his son, yet he was on social media

agreed.... Chuck Him.... Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 22:37

Bluntness is bang on the money here. You don't need to be mean about it but you'd be a fool to stay with him and your relationship will not be in balance, he will have the upper hand. Please don't have a baby with him because you'll regret it if you do. He's not partner material. Not for you. Thanks

BubblingUp · 07/01/2018 23:53

He's juggling girlfriends.

user1500124076 · 08/01/2018 00:22

Regardless of the cheating theory, you're obviously far down on his list of priorities. He literally put his sodding Facebook ahead of you. This is not the man you want to be having a baby with.

Three years into my relationship with my (now) DH, he wouldn't have been able to go a morning without talking to me, let alone an entire bloody week. I'd have been his first port of call for support/help/company while dealing with anything bad. I would've been the first one to know about it, whether I lived with him by that point or not (which I did, of course, because 3 years is a long time to try out a relationship - without even taking the TTC into account!). That's how it is in proper grown-up long-term relationships. You become a partnership. Not him and his life and then you on the sidelines, waiting for him to remember you exist. He's treating you like you've been dating a couple months, if that. Like the girl he's "sort of" seeing.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 08/01/2018 07:30

Thanks for all the comments. When I said he was on social media, I meant it as I knew he was still alive, not that he was updating Facebook. He isn't even on Facebook. I could see from fitbit that he and his son had been for a couple of walks.

I'm not staying with him, I've clearly said it's over. I am, however, going to talk to him (eventually) to hear his explanation because I am a grown up even if he isn't.

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/01/2018 07:44

Sorry you're starting off the year like this. But you sound level headed. He has no respect for you from his actions.

stickytoffeevodka · 08/01/2018 07:55

It sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

No relationship with his son after three years, trying for a baby but not living together (this especially makes no sense) and he can't be fucked to see you over Christmas, not even for an hour, or send you a text.

It sounds like he's not as serious about you as you thought - and the panic text was to stop you coming to his house - and it worked. Sounds to me like he had another woman there, or he'd spent Christmas with his wife (are you sure they're divorced?) and son.

You've had a lucky escape - and in the future, please don't try for a baby with someone you don't even live with!

MiddleClassProblem · 08/01/2018 09:58

So the walks and maybe read a few things but not been posting updates?

I think it sounds like the shit hit the fan woth his son. I think not hearing him out is harsh. I’m not saying he acted fair, it’s clear you’re not as close as you really should be and that’s fine to end it but to just cut him out? I don’t think I could do that.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 08/01/2018 18:34

So much judgement about wanting to have a baby! Not everyone has the perfect marriage that lasts, people end up single parents for all sorts of reasons. I am desperate to be a mother (and due to fertility problems, never thought it would be a possibility for me) , and I have thought long and hard as to whether I could do it if things didn't work out with DP. I have a good job with good maternity benefits, my own house and a close family network. Whatever DP's other faults, he is a committed father. People have children in a lot less ideal circumstances.

MIddleClass, it turns out you are right. DS has had a major breakdown on NY day, and started self harming again. His (DS's) mum told him to stop having "tantrums" which made the situation worse. DP said he just went into lockdown, it didn't occur to him how upset I'd be not to hear from him until he got my voicemail yesterday. He hadn't spoken to his parents either, just been with DS. DP's mum called me today to make sure I was OK as she thought he'd behaved terribly when he finally spoke to her.

Not sure what to do now, I think we both need some serious time to think things through and see how DS is but at least I have an explanation to my OP question. Thanks for the supportive comments

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 08/01/2018 18:43

I’m glad you know now. It’s up to you what you do. Nice to have his mum’s support. Good luck with it all. There’s no wrong answer x

stickytoffeevodka · 08/01/2018 18:44

Ah come on OP - of course it's not ideal to plan a baby when you're a) not living with the father and b) he has another child you have practically no relationship with. How did you see it working in the long run?

Your DP's son is obviously struggling with his mental health and I know that must take its toll - but it doesn't excuse his horrific attitude towards you.

And he might be a committed father to his son but he doesn't sound particularly committed to you. There's a difference between becoming a single parent and planning to have a baby with someone you don't live with.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 08/01/2018 18:44

I'm a bit of a worrier when I don't hear from people and think they're deliberately ignoring me/ghosting me etc. However, things happen. If his DS is that unwell, he'll be worried sick about him. If that were me, the last thing on my mind would be contacting a friend/GF. His priority has to be his son. What should he do? Apologise because you weren't the first person he thought of? I don't mean that in a nasty way - it's a painful lesson I've learned though.

I hope you hear him out. He doesn't sound perfect but I'd try and understand him in this case.

TheSassyAssassin · 08/01/2018 18:44

Just be careful Apricot. Think about how you would have handled it if it were the other way around. If shutting you out is his default I think you'll find it hard to deal with in the long term. My situation was very similar and in hindsight it absolutely wasn't worth my hanging on to. He treated me very badly and I excused it. I shouldn't have and I look back now and realise I should have walked away far sooner than I did. Whatever you decide wishing you luck Flowers

Gottabenow · 08/01/2018 18:56

But he knew you were worried as you texted him and he didn’t respond.

bitzy12 · 08/01/2018 19:06

My dh did something similar at the start of our relationship. He went through a bad time, I didn't have a clue what was happening. He acted like w complete dick. However this was at the start of the relationship and there's no way he would do it now.

I really do sympathise with you, what he's put you through is awful and made you feel shit. It will take a while to stop feeling angry to be honest.

But from what I've read, he was putting his son first. Which is what we should expect of our partners. He would be a complete dickhead if he wasn't there for his son. His son on those days of ignoring you will of been his absolute priority. He won't of realised how much he's put you through which is so sad and pathetic....but it's just the way his mind works. I imagine he will of learnt a very valuable lesson out of this. And if you were to take him back and he did something similar again, he clearly will never learn. Then I'd say it's time to get rid.

But maybe his mind was so focused on his son, so worried about his son that that's all he could think about.....I wouldn't necessarily give up on him. Let him know how's he's made you feel, that he's been an absolute twat etc.

There's men being a twat for a good reason and men just being a twat.....because they are just one big massive twat. I think in this case, it's for a good reason. Just my opinion though x