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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted after 3 years?

116 replies

DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:08

I've been with DP for 3 years, since the day I met him, I've spoken to or texted him almost every single day - until a week ago when he suddenly stopped responding. We have had plenty tough times in our relationship but as far as I was aware, we really loved each other and wanted things to work out. We were trying to have a baby together - I had a miscarriage last year and he was great throughout that and we were actively trying again - had the timed sex 3 weeks ago for my fertile week. It didn't work but he doesn't even know that as i haven't spoken to him.

He has a teenage DS who is quite complicated. I don't really know the DS well at all (he doesn't want to know about his dad's partner, and his mum is very hostile towards DP) but DP is a very involved parent and spends a lot of time with DS. Obviously that has been a big sticking point but both of us wanted me to get to know DS better. DS was quite ill over christmas so I didn't see much of DP but still heard from him every day with updates. DS is fine now.

Then last week, my calls started going to voicemail, he hasn't responded to my texts, I think he might have blocked my number. He's been on social media so I know he is fine. I just can't believe he would do this after everything. What about all the long term plans, the baby we were trying for? We spoke about the houses we wanted to buy together, retiring, whole life plans basically.

I keep trying to find an explanation for this, can anyone help me? My main thought about DP has always been that he is a kind and decent man but how could he treat me like this? Can I really have been that completely wrong about someone? Is there any other explanation for the lack of contact? I can't tell I'm being over the top here.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me, that would be sad but I'd be ok, I'd get on with my life. I just can't believe I'm worth so little to him.

Sorry for the long post, it has helped just typing it out though. I can't tell anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed to be treated like this.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/01/2018 15:09

You, he responded very quickly when he thought you were coming round. I'd go round now, unexpectedly and without warning. I strongly suspect there is another woman there, possibly his ex,

He's been purposefully not responding to you and only did so to stop you going to his house or his mums. It tells you everything you need to know. But if you're not satisfied go round now without telling him.

Jb291 · 07/01/2018 15:14

Very fishy that he replied immediately and clearly has something to hide from you. I would not believe a word of anything he has to say. He's more than likely been cheating with his ex. I would honestly dump him now and breathe a sigh of relief that this happened before marriage and children.

ChaosNeverRains · 07/01/2018 15:36

I would put money on his having another woman at the house. But even if he doesn’t, he clearly sees your relationship as purely a casual thing if he thinks that it’s acceptable to just not get in touch for a week because of an apparent issue with his son?

I wouldn’t wait for him to come round tbh. I would pack his stuff and drive it round there now. And thank your lucky stars that you’re not pregnant, even if that seems difficult right now, at least you don’t have to have this arsehole in your life for ever which would have been the case if you’d had a child together.

Grunkalunka · 07/01/2018 15:51

He is a coward. I agree with others that he doesn't want you at his house and I bet that his DS's illness wasn't as bad as he was making out.

I do think men like this just hope the woman will quietly fade away and not "make a scene". You are right though that even if he wants to continue your relationship that he did not include you in his "emergency" situation over Xmas. You are the GF and in that box - not "family".

So sorry - it's rotten. Age is no barrier to the ostrich man, believe me.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2018 15:55

Id also disagree with you op, becayse the reason he doesn't want you there is very important.

If you're a couple then normally you confide in each other, lean on each other. Everyone has time to send a text or pick up the phone. He didn't even pick up the phone to uou when he got your voicemail. That's how apologetic he was, he just wanted to quickly stop you going there.

I suspect he got back with his ex over Xmas.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/01/2018 16:01

At the end of the day there should be nothing he can’t tell you and nothing he doesn’t want to when he’s going through something tough.

I do think you should hear him out first because what immediately sprung to my mind, and I’m not saying this is what it is, was that DS was having mental health issues, possibly to the extreme extent. Something like that can completely flaw loved ones so much that they don’t function correctly either. And if it is that, I would forgive him but you’d also need to accept that you are not close enough to bring a baby into the world yet and you need to be living together full time for a while before this happens.

KarmaStar · 07/01/2018 16:04

Hi OP,
Imo you are doing the right thing by ending this relationship.
You sound like you have more than enough guts to bin him and move on when you are ready.
BUT,I am so sorry he has done this to you,especially when you are coping with your mc.how horrible.
At least you found out prior to moving in with him.
If you do go to meet him,imagine all us mumsnetters standing beside you giving you the strength to dismiss his lies and excuses.
Flowers for you ,be kind to yourself over the next few months with this double blow to cope with. 🌼🌼🌼

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 16:08

Hope your okay OP Flowers

Mayhemmumma · 07/01/2018 16:12

Erm are you sure his wife hasn't found out about you and is asking him to cut contact? Only thing that springs to mind.

He's not very nice either way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 16:18

What a louse. Agree that he doesn't want you going to his house for whatever reason. He doesn't sound like a partner of 3 years at all.

I'm sorry, Apricot you sound so upset and rightly so. You deserve better, so much better than him.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 16:33

I don't think he had anyone else at his house, and he is definitely not back with his ex wife. I think he just couldn't be bothered to talk to me or be confronted. But then I don't understand why he says he wants to sort this out, surely if he wanted to break up with me he'd just let it go now.

Ah well, I'm not going round there. I'm going to retain my remaining dignity! Have packed his stuff up and will decide if I want to see him to give it back or tell him just to collect it.

MiddleClassProblem - the son does have mental health issues, yes. That is one of the reasons we have not pushed our relationship on him. DS does not want to engage with me and DP doesn't want t force him to do anything in case it causes a MH relapse. I have respected this even though I don't necessarily agree with it. The son's illness over christmas was physical though, although I guess it could have led to something more. Still doesn't explain not even sending me a one line text to tell me though.

Thanks again for all the support, you're all great! And you're all completely right that I was crazy to think about having a child in this situation. I've not been myself since the miscarriage and I don't think I've been thinking straight for ages but I feel a bit stronger and more positive now.

And on that note, I'm going to go and get myself a giant glass of wine now!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 07/01/2018 16:39

Sorry OP. It is possible DS was feeling suicidal or attempted so. I’m not saying this excuses the behaviour but it could be a factor.

A physical illness can leave you feeling low but also a family Christmas, knowing about you trying for a baby, all these things could have added up. I’m only speculating as someone with MH and regular battles with my own suicidal waves. To me it sounded like that.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 16:47

Thank you for the perspective MiddleClass, and I'm sorry to hear about your battles Flowers. I have to say I hadn't considered it could be that serious but I will hear him out at least. This whole thing has opened my eyes to the other issues in the relationship though and I don't think it's fixable now.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 16:48

Wouldn't though - after 3 years - whatever the issue, he could have texted, "Sorry, DS problem, speak soon". He could have done that. At least that.

Vitalogy · 07/01/2018 16:56

I think a lot of men bury their head in the sand. Of course a 10 second text would be the obvious thing to do. Many just don't think like this though, would rather pretend it isn't happening and if they leave it long enough it'll go away without any effort on their part.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 17:07

Update for anyone who's interested - the dickhead has just texted me....with some chitchat! Asking me what I've been up to today and if I've been at the gym. Followed by xxx as per normal. As if none of the other stuff was happening. Head in the sand indeed!

WTF? What is wrong with him??

I am ignoring obviously. The Wine is going down well....

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 17:17

Sorry Apricot, he should be calling around to see you and giving you proper explanations so that you can decide the future of the relationship. He's being such a twat and treating you as if you'll just take whatever bone he throws you.

'xxx' has no more power than 'aaa', even though we're programmed to melt at them.

trojanpony · 07/01/2018 17:18
Shock Honestly, What is going on in his head??? The mind boggles

Stay strong OP FlowersWine

MiddleClassProblem · 07/01/2018 17:22

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe as I said in my first post, their relationship should be closer than that and he should be telling her everything but as Vitalogy said, such an extreme thing to happen he might have not wanted to face it. Posting in fb can be just about anything or a distraction but if he were to text her at the time he would probably feel he had to tell her when he didn’t really want to or maybe even know how to.

It may not be this at all though, he could just be a dick. But if you also feel that the other holes are unfixable then maybe none of it matters. If it is what I have suggested then you also might need to be a bit considerate in how you break up with him rather than being able to just say, “you’re a twat” which when someone has treated you like shit, of course you really want to do! And in most other situations you bloody well should!

user1485778793 · 07/01/2018 17:27

Time to ghost him out!

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 17:28

weirder and weirder.. he's fucked up ... he's backtracking ... and because we woman only have the 3 second memory of a goldfish Hmm he's taking advantage of it.......

oh how wrong he is .... Grin Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 07/01/2018 17:32

That's very strange.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2018 17:38

MiddleClassProblem, I don't disagree with you and actually, reading the OP's posts I think that she'd be gentle in breaking up with him. It's really hard after 3 great years to suddenly have things fall apart like this and feelings are still there.

He's behaved badly though, really unworthy of the OP's affection and she'll be better off without him if she decides that's what she wants.

MyPreciousWaja · 07/01/2018 17:39

How very odd. Can't believe youre so chilled, I'd be wanting answers now, there's no way I could just leave things hanging as they are.

kittymamma · 07/01/2018 17:49

I really don't understand the people making any excuses for him. If someone died it wouldnt excuse his behaviour. Surely when bad times hit the first thing you do is speak to your nearest and dearest. Short of being held hostage or being unconscious, there really is no excuse for ignoring messages for days on end from your significant other. Especially if you are finding time for social media. What a dick.

At least it doesn't need to be messy. You live separately and there are no children involved, a nice clean break. Good luck to you, you'll be better off without him.

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