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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted after 3 years?

116 replies

DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:08

I've been with DP for 3 years, since the day I met him, I've spoken to or texted him almost every single day - until a week ago when he suddenly stopped responding. We have had plenty tough times in our relationship but as far as I was aware, we really loved each other and wanted things to work out. We were trying to have a baby together - I had a miscarriage last year and he was great throughout that and we were actively trying again - had the timed sex 3 weeks ago for my fertile week. It didn't work but he doesn't even know that as i haven't spoken to him.

He has a teenage DS who is quite complicated. I don't really know the DS well at all (he doesn't want to know about his dad's partner, and his mum is very hostile towards DP) but DP is a very involved parent and spends a lot of time with DS. Obviously that has been a big sticking point but both of us wanted me to get to know DS better. DS was quite ill over christmas so I didn't see much of DP but still heard from him every day with updates. DS is fine now.

Then last week, my calls started going to voicemail, he hasn't responded to my texts, I think he might have blocked my number. He's been on social media so I know he is fine. I just can't believe he would do this after everything. What about all the long term plans, the baby we were trying for? We spoke about the houses we wanted to buy together, retiring, whole life plans basically.

I keep trying to find an explanation for this, can anyone help me? My main thought about DP has always been that he is a kind and decent man but how could he treat me like this? Can I really have been that completely wrong about someone? Is there any other explanation for the lack of contact? I can't tell I'm being over the top here.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me, that would be sad but I'd be ok, I'd get on with my life. I just can't believe I'm worth so little to him.

Sorry for the long post, it has helped just typing it out though. I can't tell anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed to be treated like this.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/01/2018 11:12

Sorry, that's lame. If he can't talk to you about difficult stuff now how will you successfully raise a child together?

I'd be seriously considering boxing up his stuff.

DumbleDee · 07/01/2018 11:15

What horrible and totally unacceptable behaviour. Good luck OP

Fineganbeginagain · 07/01/2018 11:15

He sounds really cowardly to be honest.

So sorry.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 11:24

Thanks everyone. Yes, he is a cowardly twat! I just can't believe I was so wrong about the kind of person he is.

I'm not going round there, it doesn't really matter why he doesn't want me turning up because I think it's over. I don't see how I can trust him not to behave like this again, and whatever's been going on he obviously doesn't think I'm important enough to be part of it, or could help make it better in any way.

OP posts:
Itsalottery · 07/01/2018 11:32

You sound very strong. It is so easy to overlook these things and pretend it's all ok but then a pattern can form where it becomes acceptable.

BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 11:38

@DriedUpApricot

I have a question (s)

Was your DP married when you met him? We're you having an affair with him?

BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 11:42

Ime, a man who ignores his significant other usually has someone else in the wings, like their partner isn't relevant anymore and becomes unimportant to them.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 11:43

Was your DP married when you met him? We're you having an affair with him?

No, he'd been divorced for 3 years. I was his first serious relationship since his marriage ended. There is no chance they would ever get back together if that is what you're thinking?

OP posts:
Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 11:44

I don't think he has anyone else, but I could be totally wrong about that too as I clearly have not judged him well at all!

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 07/01/2018 11:50

The explanation is that he is an utter coward and I'm afraid you were wrong about the man you thought him to be.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be incredibly hard for you Flowers.

You haven't said how old you are but I hope you soon meet a decent human to have a grown up relationship with and that in time you can have children together.

Gradually try and work your thinking on this to "lucky escape!" after upset, anger, bewilderment etc.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 11:58

I'm 36, he is 43! That is one reason I can't get my head round this - had no idea grown ups behaved like this.

OP posts:
Figrollsnotfatrolls · 07/01/2018 12:02

You have dodged a bullet op. . Be glad you aren't chasing him carrying a positive pregnancy test.
Flowers

BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 12:03

No it never crossed my mind that he would get back with his ex....

My thoughts, he isn't that serious about your relationship. I get a sense that the physical distance quite suits him and the very fact you and his DS haven't really got a relationship is somehow testament to that. If you think about how normal relationships are, a couple will move in together and cohabit and build a life, you two haven't done that? I quite like that people shouldn't feel the need to conventional, what's normal anyway?! However you're planning a baby and living in two seperate homes? Isn't it easier to live in one logistically? And what about the son? Wouldn't it have been more sensible to try and build a relationship with him before introducing a sibling first? I don't know, I don't have the answers but it just all seems a bit arse backwards?

TheSassyAssassin · 07/01/2018 12:06

Alleged 'grown-ups' can very definitely behave like this OP. Shorter time scale but otherwise could have practically written your first post. I turned up announced. Wish I hadn't as it would have saved me another 9 mths of heartache. I got it wrong too. People aren't always who they seem. Onwards and upwards...without him! Flowers

Bubblegumfan · 07/01/2018 12:10

Hand hold OP, i really hope ot works out well for you Flowers

NurseButtercup · 07/01/2018 12:31

I'm so so sorry he's putting you through this. His rapid response to your voicemail suggests to me he's got somebody at his house he doesn't want you to meet or vice-versa.

I completely admire and applaud your composure. I honestly don't think I could exercise your level of restraint. I would probably cut holes in his clothes and throw them on his driveway.

One of my lovely friends was dating a man for nearly 4 years and declared he was "the one". He disappeared and ghosted her for two weeks. When he finally re-appeared it turned out he went on holiday with his other girlfriend and he was also dating 2 other women (4 in total). My friend went ballistic and the fall-out was horrendous. He wasn't worth the heartache or the long-term ramifications.

Hold your head up and look forward to a beautiful life without this man-child.

Take care of yourself Flowers

Doublevodka · 07/01/2018 13:38

Apricot, I feel for you. It all sounds a bit strange. You seem like a very level headed, strong woman. Good luck and keep us posted.

Original poster
DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 13:53

Thank you all so much for the support. Sorry others have been through this as well. Bibbedee you are right, it is not a normal set up. I think I have talked myself into accepting it because I really love him. I feel stupid.

I've texted him back that I can't believe he would treat me like this and he's not who I thought he was. I've said I won't see him today but maybe during the week. I do want to hear what he has to say but think I will have all his stuff packed up for him to take away. He's sent another 3 apologetic texts since.

I might sound strong but I am completely and utterly gutted about this. And also really angry!! What a wanker!

OP posts:
Chippyway · 07/01/2018 13:55

Typical bullshit from him

He hasn’t bothered to contact you for all this time but the moment you said you were going over he managed to contact you back

Also, I don’t care how ‘busy’ he’s been, I’ve always said it takes less than 2 minutes to send a text. Nobody is THAT busy. It isn’t because he couldn’t text you, it’s more that he wouldn’t text you

Remember that OP. You deserve better

BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 14:05

@DriedUpApricot

Do you know what would be awful? If he somehow just bimbles on and you think 'ah it's not that bad he's ok'... If If you want this, I think you need to face and ask some uncomfortable questions. Thing is, do you want the answers?

ThePinkOcelot · 07/01/2018 14:37

Really sorry he’s turned out to be such a twat after 3 years. I can imagine how gutted you feel.
Please don’t fall for any bullshit excuse when he does deign to materialise! You definitely deserve better than him. X

FizzyGreenWater · 07/01/2018 14:40

He didn't want you coming to his house.

He could ignore every other text but as soon as you said you were coming round - PING.

I agree that you should dump him.

I think I'd be too curious not to go over to his though. I think I'd be going round with a box of his stuff.

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 14:49

what a Horrible thing to do.. if that's what he has done.. fecking DICK Flowers

Tedster77 · 07/01/2018 15:00

If he was that bothered he’d have phoned you/come straight round. You poor thing Sad.

Olddear · 07/01/2018 15:04

He was pretty quick to contact you when you said you were going round to his house! Sounds fishy...