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Original poster

Ghosted after 3 years?

116 replies

DriedUpApricot · 07/01/2018 09:08

I've been with DP for 3 years, since the day I met him, I've spoken to or texted him almost every single day - until a week ago when he suddenly stopped responding. We have had plenty tough times in our relationship but as far as I was aware, we really loved each other and wanted things to work out. We were trying to have a baby together - I had a miscarriage last year and he was great throughout that and we were actively trying again - had the timed sex 3 weeks ago for my fertile week. It didn't work but he doesn't even know that as i haven't spoken to him.

He has a teenage DS who is quite complicated. I don't really know the DS well at all (he doesn't want to know about his dad's partner, and his mum is very hostile towards DP) but DP is a very involved parent and spends a lot of time with DS. Obviously that has been a big sticking point but both of us wanted me to get to know DS better. DS was quite ill over christmas so I didn't see much of DP but still heard from him every day with updates. DS is fine now.

Then last week, my calls started going to voicemail, he hasn't responded to my texts, I think he might have blocked my number. He's been on social media so I know he is fine. I just can't believe he would do this after everything. What about all the long term plans, the baby we were trying for? We spoke about the houses we wanted to buy together, retiring, whole life plans basically.

I keep trying to find an explanation for this, can anyone help me? My main thought about DP has always been that he is a kind and decent man but how could he treat me like this? Can I really have been that completely wrong about someone? Is there any other explanation for the lack of contact? I can't tell I'm being over the top here.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know what to do. If he broke up with me, that would be sad but I'd be ok, I'd get on with my life. I just can't believe I'm worth so little to him.

Sorry for the long post, it has helped just typing it out though. I can't tell anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed to be treated like this.

OP posts:

GloriousDolores · 08/01/2018 21:10

Been following the thread but didnt really have anytjung constructive to add OP but thought maybe you'd appreciate varied opinions...

I'd probably be feeling more sympathy now in your shoes and possibly wanting to work things out. But I'd be hurt that if something so horrible was happening I hadnt been seen as a source of support, for him if not his DS, instead of being completely shut out.

I think I'd forgive that he didn't or thought he couldnt contact me but the issue would be why he didn't just do it because he wanted to/needed me.

And that would lead to insecurity and further problems because would it ever change.

I dont think you'd be being weak or a mug if you take him back or forgive him but I wonder if you'd ever be able to change how he sees you (detatched from the most important part of his life) and if that would ever be enough

BackInTheRoom · 08/01/2018 21:24

@DriedUpApricot

My DS has MH issues so I can relate. However, when faced with this crisis, your DP did not need you? Why?

Cariadd · 09/01/2018 19:47

Does his son not like you?

ThisLittleKitty · 09/01/2018 20:15

However, when faced with this crisis, your DP did not need you? Why?

First thing that stood out to me aswell

browneyes77 · 09/01/2018 20:56

But from what I've read, he was putting his son first. Which is what we should expect of our partners. He would be a complete dickhead if he wasn't there for his son. His son on those days of ignoring you will of been his absolute priority. He won't of realised how much he's put you through which is so sad and pathetic....but it's just the way his mind works. I imagine he will of learnt a very valuable lesson out of this. And if you were to take him back and he did something similar again, he clearly will never learn. Then I'd say it's time to get rid

This ^^

Give the severity of what his son was going through, it's understandable that his head was all over the place and that he was 100% focussed on his son.

I don't think that means he couldn't have sent you a quick text to say he had a DS major crisis and to bear with him a few days while he sorts it out. (But that's me thinking what a woman would do and this is a man and their brains aren't wired the same as ours).

If this is the first time it's happened in 3 years then maybe give him the opportunity to learn from this experience first before you call it a day? If he does it again knowing full well the impact it has, then you can cut your losses? Its a fairly big step to end a long term relationship, so take the time to think about what you want and you do what you feel is best for you in the long run.

FWIW I agree with you about the judgement on the TTC thing. Everyone does things differently and in the way that suits them. You do what works for you. There's no rule book on where you should live etc when you have a baby. As long as that child is loved and well cared for.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/01/2018 02:37

I think he sounds like an awesome dad being there 100% for his son. I feel really sorry for him if you ditch him out of neediness when the kid needs to be the first priority for him and for you too if you want to be any sort of a step mum one day. I would think twice about a new baby if the older half brother has serious problems and needs his dad so much. This may never change.

croon979 · 10/01/2018 03:22

Sorry you have been through this OP.
Given the information you now have about why he went quiet, it is at least a solid good reason for him being tied up. However, what I would really struggle with is that fact that, whilst it is an understandable reason that could potentially be forgiven for lack of communication, the fact is that he didn’t seem to need to turn to you in order to share from his perspective what was going on. It must have been stressful for him too? Discourtesy can obviously be forgiven in some circumstances but the underlying reality that it did not occur to him to lean on you says something doesn’t it? If I go through any trauma/drama (be it family/ friends/ work issues etc) the first person and often only person I want to offload myself on is my DP. So for me there would be two things at play here (1) the discourtesy/ thoughtlessness of not letting you know and (2) what this actually tells you about where he sees you in terms of the pecking order of his life priorities and what he needs from you. It is right and commendable that he puts his son first but the lack of sharing any update with you no matter what the crisis was must tell you something about the balance of your relationship and where you feature in his life.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/01/2018 05:20

Or maybe he hasn’t turned to anyone because he’s been busy with his son? Or maybe he’s not the sort to spend time talking about things that upset him because it just upsets him more? Maybe he needs his partner to give him a boost when he’s down rather than make him feel even more stressed by needing to be needed?

croon979 · 10/01/2018 07:57

@Iwasjustabouttosaythat - Turn to or give him a boost, either way that is needing their partner, that was what I was trying to say. He would still have needed to contact her for this for her to give him a boost. It isn’t the type of need I was focusing on but rather that this shows a lack of need. However, in any event, I was only saying what would be important to me. She may not see it that way.

Jigglytuff · 10/01/2018 08:24

This is not how relationships should be after 3 years. You shouldn't be afraid to go round to his house. Your texts and phone calls shouldn't be ignored until you say you're going round to his house. You shouldn't be propping up a relationship that's got more holes in it than Emmenthal because you're desperate to be a mother.

Be a mother. But don't do it within the context of this relationship - it's shit. And a man who is in his 40s getting his mum to call you and plead his case? Come on! You deserve better than this. And so does any child you're planning on having.

KateGrey · 10/01/2018 08:36

I’m assuming he used the loo so could have spared two seconds to text son crisis or something similar. I think you’ve made the right decision. If he’d been that bothered he’d have been round after like a shot. His actions speak volumes. Stay strong.

Overthehillsandfaraway8 · 10/01/2018 08:54

My thought is if you don’t have a relationship with his son, who is mentally ill, why are you two trying to have a baby? What kind of effect will that have on his son? If he is such a great Dad he should have considered this, and so should you. The whole thing sounds like a mess.

ChaosNeverRains · 10/01/2018 10:28

It’s one thing to be there exclusively for his son and to tell the OP he can’t talk to her right now. Completely blanking her to the point she felt she had been ghosted after three years and only getting in touch when she threatened to go round there is quite another. It takes ten seconds to send a text saying “sorry, crisis with x, can’t talk at the moment,” and the OP, the woman he is supposedly trying for a baby with and for all he knew could have been pregnant at this point, doesn’t even feature as important enough to him to do that.

And if she hadn’t threatened to go round there how long would it have been before he got back in touch if at all?

Yes, clearly he has prioritised his son here, assuming that’s actually what happened which I am still doubtful of given how quickly he responded to stop the OP going round to the house. But clearly the OP doesn’t even feature in his thought processes to the point she has texted him numerous times and he hasn’t even afforded her the courtesy of telling her there’s a crisis

If he’s had time to check in on social media he had time to send one text. The fact he didn’t speaks volumes.

Fmlgirl · 10/01/2018 23:06

OP, I think that this man is not committed to you and probably a liar as well. There is a reason his life is so separate from your relationship.

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 10/01/2018 23:15

When my son was suicidal nobody else in the world mattered but him, in didn't speak to anyone or answer any messages

Cariadd · 10/01/2018 23:25

I wonder if he didn't contact the OP because there are problems between his son and OP. From what's been mentioned the son doesn't like the OP for whatever reason so the father may have just been closing ranks to deal with his son

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