Partner slept with mum’s friend

[Shoulditellher1]

We’ve been together a year. Started casually but it’s grown steadily and we’re thinking about moving in together.

Very early on, he told me that he’d been having an affair with his mum’s friend but ended it soon after meeting me.

Apparently she was very upset but said she understood him wanting to be with someone more his age.

She’d been trying to put him off me before then, whispering in his ear that I wasn’t good enough for him, that I wouldn’t make him happy.

His mum has no idea. The friend made him promise not to tell her. But I feel uncomfortable knowing this secret. And it makes my blood boil every time she talks about her friend, what an angel she is and how kind she was to my partner when he was down in the dumps after losing his job.

Yeah, she was a fucking angel alright!

For context she’s 46, 16 years older than my partner.

Whenever I see her she gives me the cold shoulder and makes pointed references to in-jokes that I am not part of. But always smiles and hugs me in front of others which drives me mad. They don’t see what a manipulative cow she really is.

The number of times I’ve had to bite my tongue whenever his Mum sings her praises, I have come so close to blurting it out. I know that if his mum ever knew, she’d be very upset.

WWYD?

I would not be the one to break this news to my partner's mother. Try and avoid the friend but if I was that mother, I would hit the fucking roof. You don't need the drama.

This doesn't make you feel icky about your boyfriend ?

Thing is, only I know about the affair apart from my partner and her. So it’s unlikely his mum will ever find out.

I hate secrets. And it makes me feel anxious to think it’s something I’m going to have to live with for as long as I’m with my partner. It’s making me rethink the whole relationship TBH

I don't blame you. Especially if she's being a bitch. Would your partner 'fess up? And tell his Mum himself?

Yes it did at first AF. But I get that he was in a terrible place at the time - he’d lost his job, his dad had been diagnosed with cancer (fortunately in remission now) and was very vulnerable. And he made a mistake.

She is a predator as far as I’m concerned. Took advantage of him when he was at a very low point. She says she fell in love with him.

Why should it make her feel icky about her partner?

Why would it be icky?

The only thing that's directly affecting you is the way she is being toward you. Would it be so bad just to tell her to piss off?

Is it fair of me to ask him to though, Bobbins? I know he just wants to forget about the whole thing. He is still fond of her as a friend but in his mind, it is over so why rock the apple cart?

Don't be daft. She didn't have a gun to his head.

If you stay with him, won't you wonder what other "mistakes" he would make if he hit another bad patch?

If you are going to judge (and do remember they are both consenting adults, no crime was committed) then judge both of them

Personally, I couldn't be with someone whose response to being in a "bad place" is to fall into a vagina

Will somebody please explain the icky aspect of the situation?

I'd feel 'icky' as in big secret, deceit, dishonesty, a kind of sub-text of subterfuge going on all the time, the elephant in the room ...

Presumably he shagged her because he wouldn’t too, I highly doubt she held him down tbh. Isn’t I was in a “bad place” a classic line for those that can’t keep their pants on?

Why does his mother need to know? Who a consenting adults shags is up to them and they certainly don’t need to tell mummy about it.

What would I do? Absolutely nothing, he was an adult he shagged someone meh

*wanted too

Fair enough AF. Yes, it takes two to tango.

I’m not so much bothered that they had an affair because it was before he and I met and he ended it pretty much soon after.

It’s that his mum thinks of her as such an amazing friend and I am keeping this secret knowing it would end their friendship if his mum ever found out.

Maybe it’s because I’m thinking about the future a lot these days. But the idea of lee this secret is doing my head in.

*keeping.

Exactly Lineys. I hate secrets

Oh I thought the use of the word denoted a feeling of disgust.

You'd need to be a special kind of snowflake to feel actual disgust at the situation. Most of us aren't so profligate with our visceral negativity about our partner's previous sexual encounters.

I think it all depends on how willing you are to keep this a secret. Or just put up with his Mum singing her friend's praises all the time. If she finds out, she loses a friend she obviously values. But if she doesn't you have to keep that secret too

I never used the word icky Jacinta.

Maybe this woman has been an amazing friend to his mum, entirely irrespective of shagging her son.

Its possible you know?

Sounds like its been really easy to pull the wool over your eyes.

You seem very accepting and trusting of the things he has said.
Only you, your bf and this older woman know about this and you are in a position of where if you didnt say anything it would cause a huge rift between your bf and his dm.

He is still very fond of this woman and you accept it as she is a friend of the dm, not your bf.

I say he is still sleeping with her.
You arent going to spill no beans,and you dont want to bring ip the topic with your bf because in his mind it is over.

The way he has made you feel about this woman, how she is a manipulative predator - all the while he is still very fond of her and still sees her says an awful lot, i think.

He had an 'affair' with this woman. Does that mean he cheated, or she cheated?
Either way, i dont think you being his current gf affects her much

I know that but you agreed with AF's assessment and use of the word.

How old was he when they had the affair? The age of 46 and 30 is not that bad? If it was a man and woman nobody would bat an eyelid. However her behaviour towards you is spiteful so you need to put her back in her box. Just think of a remark you can make. I did something similar when I found out a Work colleagues husband was having an affair with another work colleague. I plonked myself in the middle of them and tinkled... “i’ll sit here I know what you two are like”

It was two consenting ADULTS having sex. Perfectly legal, not inappropriate and actually not anyone else's business including his mum's, unless you think YOUR sex life is her business because you have also had sex with her son?

What actual difference does it make? If he were 15 and her 31, then yes. Even 16 and 32 even though it would be legal. But 30 and 46? It's a non issue.

They had sex. They didn't go on a killing spree...

I know Bobbins. That’s what’s stressing me out.

I do love my partner very much. But can I keep this secret? I don’t know if I want to. But I also think it would be extremely selfish of me to spill the beans just so that I don’t have to live with it weighing on my mind.