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Original poster

Partner slept with mum’s friend

170 replies

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:12

We’ve been together a year. Started casually but it’s grown steadily and we’re thinking about moving in together.

Very early on, he told me that he’d been having an affair with his mum’s friend but ended it soon after meeting me.

Apparently she was very upset but said she understood him wanting to be with someone more his age.

She’d been trying to put him off me before then, whispering in his ear that I wasn’t good enough for him, that I wouldn’t make him happy.

His mum has no idea. The friend made him promise not to tell her. But I feel uncomfortable knowing this secret. And it makes my blood boil every time she talks about her friend, what an angel she is and how kind she was to my partner when he was down in the dumps after losing his job.

Yeah, she was a fucking angel alright! Angry

For context she’s 46, 16 years older than my partner.

Whenever I see her she gives me the cold shoulder and makes pointed references to in-jokes that I am not part of. But always smiles and hugs me in front of others which drives me mad. They don’t see what a manipulative cow she really is.

The number of times I’ve had to bite my tongue whenever his Mum sings her praises, I have come so close to blurting it out. I know that if his mum ever knew, she’d be very upset.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 06/01/2018 23:30

you clearly have NOT read the Thread.....

Flyingflipflop · 06/01/2018 23:42

Blimey Gemini, when were you appointed the OPs gatekeeper?

Gemini69 · 06/01/2018 23:46

Well... I got sick fed up of listening to the CRAP.. about the previous OP being jealous about the previous relationship.. we're beyond THAT.. the OP acknowledges and accepts it's his past...

the ISSUE.. was why the previous lover. was continually being Bitchy to the OP.. when in the same room... for no reason.. other than being Nipped she was ditched....

READ the bloody Thread... is WHY

stolemyusername · 07/01/2018 00:01

Wow Gemini, you know so much about it, it's almost like you were there.....

Willswife · 07/01/2018 00:14

I honestly can't see why this is such a big deal. He was 30 when they slept together. It's not like she knew him as child and then waited for him to turn 16.

It's none of his Mum's business who he sleeps with. I think it's ridiculous that this is even an issue.

Willswife · 07/01/2018 00:19

She's obviously a bit jealous of you, just ignore her.

mummwest · 07/01/2018 00:23

I really don't see any point in ruining a friendship over this.

If I were you i'd speak to her or ask your partner to and tell her you know they had a fling so you find her behaviour towards you very uncomfortable and to stop with the in jokes and hugs.

HeebieJeebies456 · 07/01/2018 07:00

But can I keep this secret? I don’t know if I want to

You should never have been put in this position by your so-called DP Hmm
He should have told the OW to either be civil and polite or he would cut contact with her completely.
I bet she's using their 'secret' to keep him dancing to her tune.

Here's what i would do in your situation -
Refuse to hug her even if it's in public - everyone will notice that something is 'off' between you both (which is a good thing)
As a couple you both go no-contact with her - which includes your dp being only civil/polite with her and no more hugs, conversing with her or including her in your events.

People/his mum will notice the frostiness and will ask why, you politely reply that you have your reasons but don't want to talk about it....however they can ask her......
When the ugly truth comes out - and it will no matter what - at least then people will understand why you didn't want anything to do with her.

It may not be your place to tell his mum the truth - but at least you don't have to play along with this charade and pretend she's a wonderful person.

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 13:14

Wow Gemini, you know so much about it, it's almost like you were there.....

well if the OP wants to invite me round then I'll certainly consider the invite .. assuming I could get there from the rural West Coast Scotland.. I don't mind travelling though it's a huge part of my Job Grin

I just prefer people read the Threads... the OP was looking for honest open advise.. and the Thread took off into a ridiculous direction... thankfully not everyone did and hopefully the OP managed to decipher some good advise from the Thread... Flowers

SpringTown46 · 10/01/2018 16:16

As the mother of grown up boys around the same age as your partner I'd find this really distasteful. It isn't to do with the age-gap itself - it is to do with the prior relationship of your partner growing up with this woman around as a significant adult in his life.

My eldest son married a woman of 45 when he was 30. She is a wonderful positive addition to our family and he is still very happy several years later.

But, if she had been in his life, watching him grow up etc., and then had a sexual relationship with him, I wouldn't feel the same. It would have a nasty, unpleasant aspect to it. If he had been a daughter, I'd be equally uncomfortable.

If my youngest son was having a relationship now with a close friend of mine, I'd honestly want to know. It isn't about prying into his and her private sexual life. It is more to do with betrayal of close relationships and behaviour on the part of the older person that is straying into predatory/paedophilic areas. If this isn't the case, why the secrecy?

If it was genuine love or potential love, then a good friend would have been honest from the start, even if it was uncomfortable. This woman is poisonous, not just to your relationship, but to your partner's Mum. It will come out sooner or later. Later will mean far worse impacts on his Mum and you. A double betrayal for her.

I'd strongly advise you not to play the 'be nice' game. Treat this woman exactly as you feel. And encourage your partner to be honest with his Mum.

MorrisZapp · 10/01/2018 16:35

This is a thread begging for a sex reversal.

A man writes: my girlfriend used to shag her dad's friend, the one who babysat her as an eight year old. The dad doesn't know, and to be honest I find it a bit icky.

Would get a very different response.

GunnyHighway · 10/01/2018 17:34

But it's not like she jumped on him at 0001 on his 16th birthday is it. He was in his 30s when it all took place.

gamerchick · 10/01/2018 17:59

Would get a very different response

About a woman in her 30s? Unlikely, I think the thread would be more or less the same as this one.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 18:04

Hes done nothing wrong! It is ok to have sex you know. Even if youre a man.
Whys it icky?

sonjadog · 10/01/2018 18:24

So... Two consenting adults, well over the age of consent, neither of whom are in a relationship, have sex. Because one is a good bit older than the other (16 years is actually not that big a gap for adults) and knew the younger one as a child, it is therefore "icky", even though this man hasn't been a child for a very long time. And now his mother is going to end a friendship over someone having sex with her adult son? Why would the mother do that, unless she has some odd attachment issues to her child...

This whole thing sounds like a fuss about nothing.

Bumsnetnetbums · 10/01/2018 18:27

Ffs 'keep his secret'???
She's a predator?
Get a grip!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/01/2018 07:13

Omg this post has gone a bit crazy.
After pp outbursts i also went back and rtft and like stolen I'm struggling to see an issue.
Whether this is 'icky' or not is here nor there. If the op has that much of a problem with it then she should just end it with her dp, I'm assuming he was just as icky as the woman for agreeing to the sexual encounter.
I get it's not nice for the op to be in a position where the other woman is bitching, but tbhI'm now beginning to wonder if this may be being blown out of proportion by the op.
In any case you don't have to be around her, if you don't like her and the way she acts keep your distance, or maybe have a quiet word with her.
You have no right to tell his mum, that would be a horrible thing to do. Your responses made me wonder if you want his mum to know in the hopes they then fall out and you don't have to see this woman any more, you get that's not fair right.
What he did before you is his business, he's obviously told you so that you are aware but you can't let your feelings about her drive you to discuss something that is really none of your business and potentially ruin a friendship just to achieve something you want.

DivisionBelle · 11/01/2018 07:56

It seems the only person who would be distressed by the news is his Mum. He doesn’t want to upset his Mum.

So, because you are riled by this woman you would think of upsetting the Mum and therefore your Dp?

I think you are on tne right track taking a step back from the drama.

It was nothing. A short lived consensual fling between adults. You wanted honesty from your DP, he gave it to you. How would you have felt had he NOT told you and the friend ‘slipped’ it out a few years down the line?

It really is no one’s business that they had a fling. It isn’t even his Mum’s business. People are not required to go round seeking public approval or asking permission every time they have a bit of s fling.

Take a step back from the drama, be cool, if you get the chance if this woman is being difficult, look her in the eye and say ‘is there a reason you seem so jealous of me?’ or ‘did you mean to be so rude?’.

Or just look at her and raise your eyebrows.

DivisionBelle · 11/01/2018 08:00

MorisZapp; no. It wouldn’t. Unless there is any suggestion of coercive control or suchlike, I credit 30 yo women with the intelligence to make their own decisions.

Women are not ‘victims’ in each and every sexual situation.

Bixg · 11/01/2018 08:02

I agree with tistheseason, kill her with kindness Grin. One thing though, if you see this woman once a month in the presence of bf's mum, and she's so bitchy, surely your bf's mum would have picked up on the tension?
I will reiterate, do not tell bf's mum yourself, it's not your place to do that. Plus, you don't know what your bf has told his ex about you, he may have said something to soften the blow of dumping her for you which has made her react badly to you?

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