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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner slept with mum’s friend

170 replies

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:12

We’ve been together a year. Started casually but it’s grown steadily and we’re thinking about moving in together.

Very early on, he told me that he’d been having an affair with his mum’s friend but ended it soon after meeting me.

Apparently she was very upset but said she understood him wanting to be with someone more his age.

She’d been trying to put him off me before then, whispering in his ear that I wasn’t good enough for him, that I wouldn’t make him happy.

His mum has no idea. The friend made him promise not to tell her. But I feel uncomfortable knowing this secret. And it makes my blood boil every time she talks about her friend, what an angel she is and how kind she was to my partner when he was down in the dumps after losing his job.

Yeah, she was a fucking angel alright! Angry

For context she’s 46, 16 years older than my partner.

Whenever I see her she gives me the cold shoulder and makes pointed references to in-jokes that I am not part of. But always smiles and hugs me in front of others which drives me mad. They don’t see what a manipulative cow she really is.

The number of times I’ve had to bite my tongue whenever his Mum sings her praises, I have come so close to blurting it out. I know that if his mum ever knew, she’d be very upset.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 06/01/2018 12:39

It sounds a little messy op. Is it really worth it?

I don't get why she's being painted as a villain either. They were both consenting adults.

Coolaschmoola · 06/01/2018 12:41

Personally I don't think anyone's sex life is their parents business. It's NORMAL not to tell them, so why all this angst about 'keeping a secret' - my sex life is a secret from my parents, because it's none of their business.

Nctothisfornow · 06/01/2018 12:41

What were his reasons for telling you this?
He doesnt want his dm to know but quite happy for his gf to know, knowing theyre going to spend time with each other which would put you in an uncomfortable position.

There is something massively off

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 12:43

Honestly I think you are overthinking this.

Your only issue that is your business is the fact that the OW makes shitty comments when you are around, which you have the right to react to.

Everything else is before your time or not your business, even the way your mil feels about her friend, again, not your business.

Sometimes you have to realise when you are making problems for problems sake.

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:43

@jacinta

No, I agreed with AF that it felt icky to me. In that I didn’t feel comfortable with keeping a secret that would potentially kill his mum’s friendship. And yes, it does feel a bit icky to be around an old sexual partner of my boyfriend. But that’s my problem which I’m getting over.

OP posts:
LineysRunes · 06/01/2018 12:44

It gives the mum's friend quite a bit of power, doesn't it? She can drop the bombshell at any time, and tell the mum you knew all about it all along - thus perhaps suggesting that you were all making a fool of her.

It's a terribly troubled dynamic. Is there a mum's friend's husband? (You say 'affair')

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 12:46

He doesnt want his dm to know but quite happy for his gf to know, knowing theyre going to spend time with each other which would put you in an uncomfortable position

I don't think it's off that a guy would tell his girlfriend about a previous sexual partner that is a common visitor into their life but not discuss it with his Mum.

I don't tend to tell my dad who I have sex with.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 12:47

She might be a great friend to his mother.

Yes, she shouldn’t be this two-faced but I fail to see how her relationship with his mother is any of your business?

Seems like your OH had a consensual relationship with an other women. She’s now being a bit bitchy - which is admittedly annoying - but that’s it.

I just don’t see the problem...

badabing36 · 06/01/2018 12:47

How often do you see her? I’m pretty antisocial and so is my mum, so I’m not sure if this is normal but I don’t know any of her friends. Let alone a dp’s mum’s friend.

If you don’t see her that often can you just smile breezily and ignore it? Or if you see her a lot can you talk to dp about reducing contact with her?

Skynight · 06/01/2018 12:47

I would tell her

JacintaJones · 06/01/2018 12:48

You aren't keeping a secret though OP. You haven't been asked to lie.

If his mum asks you if her friend has shagged her son and you lie, then you're keeping secrets.

At this point you're just not discussing your Partners sex life with his mum.
Entirely reasonable.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 12:48

And why should his mother know? It sounds like they had a rather causal, sex based relationship.

Nothing I’d tell either of my parents...!

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 12:48

I'd move on from the lot of them tbh. They don't sound good. BF Mum and ex lover. No. There's something a bit yucky about it all.

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:48

His reasons for telling me was because I sensed something was off with her towards me and so I told him that she made me feel uncomfortable.

And he said he didn’t want any secrets between us so told me their history. But said she didn’t want his Mum to know. He actually wouldn’t be bothered about telling his Mum. But doesn’t see the point especially as it would only upset her.

To the pp suggesting he is still sleeping with her, I am as sure as can be that this is not the case. I think she definitely still holds a flame for him but he has moved on and we are happy together. Apart from this one issue.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 12:49

Btw, I’m assuming that both of them were single.

Or does this friend have an OH...?

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:50

Seems like your OH had a consensual relationship with an other women. She’s now being a bit bitchy - which is admittedly annoying - but that’s it.

Yes, that’s exactly it. Maybe I need to just get over it and learn to ignore her.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 12:51

And he told you because you are his girlfriend and telling the current partner about an ex (well, at least the ex’s identity) is rather normal imo.

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:51

No, no husband or partner. Affair was probably the wrong word in this context. I meant affair as in a fling.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 12:51

Yes, that’s exactly it. Maybe I need to just get over it and learn to ignore her.

Depends on how often you see her, imo.

greenlanes · 06/01/2018 12:52

So was it an affair because the friend is married? If so I wouldn't like knowing that secret.

If you are calling it an affair because it was a secret relationship but both parties were single, then I think you have to let it go and move on. Shame the friend is being unpleasant though.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 06/01/2018 12:52

She's just jealous. Ignore her behaviour.

JacintaJones · 06/01/2018 12:52

Its her you've got a problem with so its her you need to speak with.

Tell her that she needs to stop being a bitch because she's making herself look very silly, smile and walk away.

Simple.

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:53

*secret fling

OP posts:
AnaWinter · 06/01/2018 12:55

I don’t understand this. It was not an affair as neither had a partner. She is not that much older than him. It is none of his parents business who he or the friend sleep with. I have no idea why the mother would never speak to her again if she found out.

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:55

@Freddie

I see her maybe once a month or so. Always with his Mum, never just with my boyfriend.

OP posts: