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Original poster

Partner slept with mum’s friend

170 replies

Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 12:12

We’ve been together a year. Started casually but it’s grown steadily and we’re thinking about moving in together.

Very early on, he told me that he’d been having an affair with his mum’s friend but ended it soon after meeting me.

Apparently she was very upset but said she understood him wanting to be with someone more his age.

She’d been trying to put him off me before then, whispering in his ear that I wasn’t good enough for him, that I wouldn’t make him happy.

His mum has no idea. The friend made him promise not to tell her. But I feel uncomfortable knowing this secret. And it makes my blood boil every time she talks about her friend, what an angel she is and how kind she was to my partner when he was down in the dumps after losing his job.

Yeah, she was a fucking angel alright! Angry

For context she’s 46, 16 years older than my partner.

Whenever I see her she gives me the cold shoulder and makes pointed references to in-jokes that I am not part of. But always smiles and hugs me in front of others which drives me mad. They don’t see what a manipulative cow she really is.

The number of times I’ve had to bite my tongue whenever his Mum sings her praises, I have come so close to blurting it out. I know that if his mum ever knew, she’d be very upset.

WWYD?

OP posts:
LineysRunes · 06/01/2018 12:56

Not an affair? Interesting that you called it one - is that how it feels to you?

Blackteadrinker77 · 06/01/2018 12:59

He's a grown up in his 30s, it is up to him if he tells his Mum or not.

PositivelyPERF · 06/01/2018 13:00

I don't have a problem with the age difference but the secrecy surrounding the whole relationship would piss me off. If she and he felt his mother wouldn't have accepted it, then they should have grown up and spoke to her or kept their pants on. I would be worried if it was the thrill of keeping it secret, from his mum, as that just sounds childish and grubby.

Is she aware that you know? I'd be tempted to say sweetly, next time she makes a inside/sly comment, "isn't lovely darling. The two of you are so close. It must be like having a second mother." Grin But then again I would have told her, privately to wind her neck in.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/01/2018 13:00

Why do you need to tell her anything. It's your boyfriend who could put a stop to all of this with, "Look, I'm in a relationship, I'm happy and I don't want to get into this with you again.". That would be the end of it.

So why is he running home to you with these 'tales'?

Nctothisfornow · 06/01/2018 13:00

Is your bf not saying or doing anything to put a stop to this womans behaviour towards you?

Could you both not just make it so that she isnt there when you do see his dm?

PugonToast · 06/01/2018 13:01

You understand he wasn't a child don't you? He was a consenting adult who when he was feeling down he decided to have sex with his mum's friend. She isn't a predator either. You are just upset,she is still on the scene and he won't tell her to fuck off. My guess, given her proprietary behaviour is that he is still telling her he likes her, maybe sleeping with her, maybe just keeping his options open. Because if an ex of mine was being so dismissive and excluding my partner, I wouldn't stand for it.

But he is tolerating it very patiently it seems.

Oh, and it wasn't an affair unless one or both were married. It was a RELATIONSHIP.

He's playing you for fool. Says all the right things to you to get you het up and indignant and angry. Allows his ex to be bitchy to you when he is right there. Do you go all out to prove to him that you are better than her too? He must be loving this.

Leave him but not because he was taken advantage of by this predatory older strumpet, but because he isn't showing you any respect, or, I suspect, being straight with you.

Original poster
Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 13:02

I suppose it does feel like an affair to me, Lineys, hence the subconscious choice of words. In that it was a secret and has the potential to hurt existing relationships I.e her friendship with his Mum.

Actually, it’s all beginning to seem pathetically dramatic now that I’m getting it off my chest. Like she was artificially creating an atmosphere to enhance the excitement of it all.

As I said, the secret aspect of it is all her idea. My partner wouldn’t be too worried about telling his Mum but chooses not to because of the upset it would cause.

OP posts:
AnachronisticCorpse · 06/01/2018 13:04

Isn’t this one of the subplots in Fifty Shades?

Throw a drink over her.

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 13:05

I don't think this other woman is necessarily the jealous one OP? You seem to be harbouring some issues of your own.

You DP sounds like he's being very open about this and maybe if it's causing YOU that much anxiety it would be best if you possibly asked him to tell his mother so there is no discomfort?

PugonToast · 06/01/2018 13:07

Then tell her her calmly, next time she is being a bitch, that if it continues you will tell the Mum. She has a choice to grow the fuck up and learn some manners like a decent person, or to face the ire of her friend. She is the one not letting it lie, she can reap the consequences.

Jaxhog · 06/01/2018 13:08

This doesn't make you feel icky about your boyfriend ?
It would me. Not the age difference, but the deceit.

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 13:08

It would me. Not the age difference, but the deceit.

What deceit?

RainyApril · 06/01/2018 13:09

I don't understand why you have to see her at all, even once a month. I don't socialise with my mil's friends.

And as many have said - two single adults having a fling isn't particularly shocking, and he is allowed to keep his relationships private and secret from his Mum.

Just avoid her, it can't be that hard.

Original poster
Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 13:10

I don't think this other woman is necessarily the jealous one OP? You seem to be harbouring some issues of your own.

Yes, I admit I do have pangs of, not exactly jealousy, but definitely frustration and hostility towards her. Mainly because she is not very nice to me.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 13:11

see her maybe once a month or so. Always with his Mum, never just with my boyfriend.

That’s not too often. Tell your boyfriend that he should tell her to start behaving? You could also simply ignore it, maybe the better route, tbh. Or else she’ll k ow that she’s getting to you.

But I really do think that it’s important to state that they didn’t do anything wrong. And that it’s their right to not tell his mother. She doesn’t need to be told at all.

It sounds like she’s really close to this woman, like they’re good friends. And this woman didn’t do anything wrong. Her son was about 30, she wasn’t cheating on anyone etc....

dustarr73 · 06/01/2018 13:11

The ex is the one who will give the game away.Sh is acting weird and the mum will cop on.I would just tell her that.

Howsthings1234 · 06/01/2018 13:11

I would just ignore it. He chose you. Forget it and move on. There's no reason a mother should know about their sons sex life.

Worst case if she keeps irritating you and being off have a quiet word so she knows you know and it might scare her off if she values her friendship with his mum.

If that doesn't work say to his mum that you find her a bit off and would she mind not inviting her round when you are there as she tends to be flirty with your partner. If there is an atmosphere maybe his mum has picked up on it anyway?

merville · 06/01/2018 13:12

As someone else said, she didn't hold a gun to his head, he's a grown adult. If they decided to have some sort of relationship and sleep together, knowing they'd hide it from his Mum because; then they both made that decision and they both bear responsibility as such. She knew his Mum might be uncomfortable her friend sleeping with her son, he knew she might be uncomfortable about him sleeping with her friend. It makes them both look a teeny bit, I dunno, desperate/scummy/deceptive (harsh, I know but).

In any case now the issue could be anything from, as someone else said, he's still leading her on - hence her behaviour, or just that she's a bit bitter/jealous/uncomfortable about him moving on ... but you wouldn't be in this position if he wasn't someone who decided to shag his Mum's friend behind her back or at all.

Original poster
Shoulditellher1 · 06/01/2018 13:13

That’s good advice, thanks Freddie. I’m going to try and take a bit of a step back and not let her get to me so much. Hopefully she’ll move on too.

OP posts:
merville · 06/01/2018 13:14

(..because she (his Mum) might find it uncomfortable/inappropriate).

rothbury · 06/01/2018 13:16

I am really confused here. It wasn't actually an affair. It was a relationship between two consenting single adults.

Why do you think his mother needs to know about her thirty year old sons sexual history? I wouldn't be remotely interested and if you were my sons GF I would think you were really weird to bring it up. I wouldn't give a shit either and can't imagine why it would affect my friendship. I don't feel any hostility when I speak to women my DS has shagged - do other posters?

If your DP was young when this happened you might have a point, but a relationship between a 30 year old and a 46 year old isn't really noteworthy in any way.

Your boyfriend doesn't care if his mum knows, it's his ex who doesn't want to share the info. So you would be telling boyfriends mum just to spite the ex, yes? I wouldn't think much of you if I were in her shoes.

LexieLulu · 06/01/2018 13:17

Can you lessen the chances of you having to be in her company?

Tell DP you're uncomfortable around her and hope that he agrees

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 06/01/2018 13:17

You’re welcome :)

Meeting your OH’s ex (especially if they’re clearly still carrying a torch) can be difficult. Meeting them repeatedly and the ex being this rude obviously won’t make it easier.

But rising above it will make it obvious that you don’t care and feel secure about your relationship.

Arkangel · 06/01/2018 13:19

Yes, I admit I do have pangs of, not exactly jealousy, but definitely frustration and hostility towards her. Mainly because she is not very nice to me.

I think that's only natural. I can't say I know anyone who hasn't had a pang or two over a partners ex.

But if she's being horrible to you and your partner has already said he would take no issue in telling his mother anyway, maybe asking him to get involved to stop this might help the situation?

I think, putting myself in your shoes, I would rather not have someone be a cow to me and it affect my potential relationship with my MIL

FizzyGreenWater · 06/01/2018 13:20

If your boyfriend wouldn't actually be that bothered about his mum knowing, then next time this 'friend' acts like a bitch to you, smile and tell her to pack it in otherwise you'll drop contact with her and unfortunately have to tell his mum why.

Right now you are very kindly not letting his mum know about all this, but you've no interest in drama and you certainly don't have to put up with her being a bitch, so if she wants her private life to stay private and to stay in contact with you and your boyfriend - back the fuck off and treat you with some respect.