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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
DontDIY · 05/01/2018 02:21

*Look for deeper meaning to mundane chit chat
*
Mundane for her, possibly. Not him. Every chat he has had with her, he has had an agenda.

Tell him to prove his story, or leave. He doesn’t get to decide what you do or don’t “nit pick” at anymore.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 02:23

They have a song? That's naice. 👍

MrsFoxPlus4 · 05/01/2018 02:24

Plant Lego’s and upturned plugs by the couch for him waking up, he’s a knob!

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 05/01/2018 02:25

Minimise, minimise, minimise. He’s spinning you the least he thinks he can get away with. Sorry, OP, even in this sanitised version...
He has deceived you.
He has lied to your face.
He has actively sought out a relationship with another woman.
Please don’t let him manipulate you into minimising it too.

nestletollhouse · 05/01/2018 02:25

So he's gaslighting you too. Really sorry op. He's lying through his teeth.

ohfourfoxache · 05/01/2018 02:29

I’m so sorry but he’s lying. So far he’s “sticking to the script”

Next he’ll tell you that they met for a drink but nothing happened.

Then he’ll say they kissed - but only once

Then they met a few times

And so on and so forth.

You might eventually end up with the truth, you might not.

If he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t have deleted the messages

FrancisUnderwood · 05/01/2018 02:30

That's bullshit. Don't believe him,

imyourgirl · 05/01/2018 02:32

If he had nothing to hide the first thing he'd have done was show you the messages!!

imyourgirl · 05/01/2018 02:33

Why do they fucking do this???? The gaslighting is by far the worst bit. It's so insulting and makes you doubt yourself. Bastard.

imyourgirl · 05/01/2018 02:35

End of the day, even if you take him at his word and it's the very best case scenario, he was still trying to meet up with her.

iggleypiggly · 05/01/2018 02:36

Request to see his phone bill, online or a printed copy. Big hugs OP what a bastard Flowers

princesspeach21 · 05/01/2018 02:36

Thanks to you OP.

If you really feel you want to see the messages, he may have only archived them and not actually deleted so you could check the archives.

Also, if there is any way you can get his new password or get him to cooperate you should be able to find the messages by downloading a copy of his Facebook data.

Unfortunately as others have said it does sound like he's feeding you a line Sad

imyourgirl · 05/01/2018 02:37

It's Facebook no? Deleted is deleted.

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 02:40

It is deleted I tried. And he's changed the password again.

OP posts:
frasier · 05/01/2018 02:42

Can you message the OW and ask for her side of the story?

(Is that sensible anyone? It is what I would do)

Even if they have concocted a tale, she doesn't know exactly what you know. No one does for sure.

frasier · 05/01/2018 02:46

He's changed the password again? And presumably on his email also?

I don't use the sort of language I need to describe him.

AmaraSas · 05/01/2018 02:47

Its not making sense

They havent met she refused and he sent her flowers with an hearfelt endearment on them

But they are work colleagues that just havent met out of work... but still the flowers

He deleted her chat as soon as you changed his password but claims they are mundane messages

I am sooo sorry OP he is guilty as charged imo. Its so hard when you have spent so much time with someone and given your life as you have him, i would tell him to cut the crap and ask him why, honestly and truthfully.

I lived with a man for 14 years and 6 of them were spent with him going to sex clubs and openly flaunting his cheating ways in front of me, i understand the pain, and a year after that ending i still cry, but i get stronger every day, dont let him control this, i understand how hard it is emotionally but you are strong, you are a woman and you are a mother, you can get through this and not only survive, thrive. -sending strength your way

vickymar · 05/01/2018 02:47

my heart breaks for you OP
stay strong darling, he’s a shit bag

BrokenBattleDroid · 05/01/2018 02:48

The trouble is, if it was flirting and they didn't meet, he'd want you to see the messages wouldn't he? Because without them it looks rather like a full blown affair. But he's conveniently deleted the only thing that might have backed him up.

So so sorry OP. Been there, felt like the bottom fell out of my world, and have come out the other side much happier than before. You will too. No rushed decisions, no letting him pressure you into anything. You will be OK again, honestly, but this next chunk is gonna hurt like heck FlowersFlowers

Opheliasgoldenwine · 05/01/2018 02:49

I'm so sorry OP, we're all here for you Thanks

mumof06darlings · 05/01/2018 02:53

In my opinion, if he is innocent, it's on him to prove to you that he is.

vickymar · 05/01/2018 02:54

I have been here OP, and he drip fed me for weeks and months and even now I don’t think I have the truth.

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 05/01/2018 02:54

Sorry they used to work together he left her place of work in May. He said he hasn't seen her since. So he says.

It's the flowers that at killing me. The flowers. The message. My whole body is aching. I can't believe this is happening to me. I feel like such a fool. He's made a total fool out of me and our life together. I've been posting happy family pictures on Facebook. Pictures of the two of us at a wedding recently. I feel sick again.

OP posts:
vickymar · 05/01/2018 02:56

i wanna give you a big hug OP :( Flowers

mathanxiety · 05/01/2018 02:56

He is only telling you what he thinks you know already and denying things he thinks you have no proof of.

Demand to see his phone, all texts, all emails, all photos.

Don't let him get away with patronising you and telling you you would only fixate on details Hmm.

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